We were strangers. We didn’t know each other. We lived far apart from each other but maybe, just maybe, we might have passed each other without knowing it.

We were strangers. We didn’t know each other. Despite that, we knew the existence of each other. I saw you on TV, on stage, dancing energetically. You were wearing the oversized clothes and a pair of sunglasses. It was cool back then but now that I think back, I chuckled. Those were the times I was an ardent fan of yours, such a big one that my mother would do anything to stop me from attending your concert. You, on the other hand, didn’t know about me till years later. You said you remembered watching my first CM and thought I was pretty. You watched my movie debut too and was already smitten by me. I doubted your claim though.

We were no longer strangers. We were acquaintances. We were on the set of a variety show. I was still a fan of you, though not as ardent as before, but I still harboured a crush on you. You were shy. You didn’t even look into my eyes for more than 5 seconds whenever we talked. But those were precious memories to me. It was the first time I shouted my affection to you. You or others might take it as a joke, but it was real to me. As soon as the filming ended, we parted and didn’t meet each other for quite a long time but during that time, I kept remembering the way you looked at me, the moments you stole glances at me, the time you stood excitedly at one side and watched me dance horribly.

We were no longer acquaintances. We were colleagues. During filming we talked to each other. We got physical with each other. Okay, that was me. I hugged you, grabbed your legs, held your hands and arms, pulled your hair but you, you were always shying away. Every time I touch you, you get tense. You tried to distance yourself slightly from me but those eyes, they still looked at me the same way as before. During breaks when the cameras weren’t rolling, I was the opposite from what I portrayed in front of the cameras. I was quiet, reserved. Being the only woman among 7 men, I tried hard to adapt myself. The process was hard but made easier by friendliness and care from other members, especially you. Well, you don’t exactly excel in the term of friendliness, as you still distanced yourself, and barely had any conversations with me, but the care and concern you showed me were great. When I was troubled or unsure of what to do, you’ll be the first one to come to me, assured me, advise me and teach me. You’ll be gone as soon as you are done, but that was enough for me as I know you’ll be here when I need you.

We weren’t just colleagues. We were close colleagues. It took a lot of effort to get close to you, and I guess it’s the same for you too. I used to call you hyung. Well, I still do occasionally, just for fun. You were shocked at first, somewhat disappointed at the term I used but you reluctantly let me anyway. I had to. It was the only way to get close to you, to be your dongsaeng, like the other close dongsaeng you have under your wing. It took me a year before I was able to abandon the word hyung, and start to casually call you oppa. I like the way your expression changes whenever I call you oppa. I love the way you turn around when I called oppa, even though there were four other oppas around. You knew when I called for you and when I called for others. Oh, and did I mention before, my heart swells every time you called my name without honorifics. And that I got excited every time you said my name, because you’ll repeat the name over and over again. I lost count of how many times you said my name in one day.

We were no long a close colleagues. We were friends. You teased me. We bickered. You can be annoying at times but that just add to your adorableness. We had fun filming. We had fun even outside of filming. I didn’t usually go out to hang with other members after filming ended but it was still fun because of you. You’ll text me, and sometimes call me. You’ll talk nonstop about what happened during the day, about the conversation you had with other members during after filming get-togethers, bits of news about this and that, and then you’ll keep quiet, silently listen as it’s my turn to blabber away. This went on for quite some time but before I knew, before we knew it, we became…

What was it?

Best friends?

Family?

Lov… no, that wasn’t right.

We’re best friends. Yes, best friends. You’re the best male friend I ever had and I was your best female friend you ever had. We still talked a lot on the phone. We didn’t always meet up though, but we still knew what was happening in each other life. I usually hang out with our maknae, my drinking buddy. You always crash at that poor maknae’s place and spent so much time with him. When either of us were not with him, we’ll be on our phones, talking about him, ridiculing him, spilling his secrets, exposing what he said about us behind our backs. However, his secrets weren’t the only things that came out. My secrets too. My insecurities. My hopes, my dreams, my everything. I told you everything.

You did the same thing too. You shared everything about yourself, even your problems, and we’ll comfort each other, discuss, and tackle the problems together. But, there’s something about you that you hid from me. You hid it so well that it took me forever to figure it out completely. Or maybe that’s just because I’m the mong~ one. My other favourite oppa, my father figure, claimed that he saw it since the day we met. He said he saw the same thing in me too. I ignored him. Not because his claims were wrong or ridiculous but because he’s right. I lied when I said I told you everything. I had a secret I kept to myself, one that I never shared with you or anyone else. Okay, I lied again. My mother knew about. So did my sister and my best friend, a female one. However, neither of them knew how deep the secret was, how serious it was. The secret, the feelings I had, even I didn’t realise how huge it had become, till the day you told me your secret. The day however, was so far away.

It’s stupid of me for not staying true to my feelings. That one feeling I had. You had. Our friendship, our connection, our own happy world burst in a blink of an eye, like a happily floating bubble being poked by a needle. A needle that I myself brought upon us. I was dissatisfied with my life. I was lonely. I had you, but on your face, there’s a big paper stuck on it with “BEST FRIEND”. I tried to take away the stupid label but every time I stretch out my hand to rip it off, there’s always something that prevented me from doing so. It’s either you backing away, or it was I who retreated. There’s always worries about this issue. I was afraid it was just my emotions jumbled up, that it wasn’t a true feeling. Or that what we felt toward each other wasn’t mutual. Or that people around us are fiends towards whatever we had between us. I gave up pursuing my feelings. I gave up trying to change your status as my best friend. I looked away. I sought comfort with another man. It wasn’t the same feelings I had for you but it gave me something different. A different feeling. A feeling of being looked at, cared, loved from a man, not a best friend. And I liked it. It gave me happiness, but it was temporary. The fake happiness that I foolishly gather tore me from the real happiness that I had before. You distanced yourself from me. You talked to me only when it’s necessary. You avoided touching me. You smiled at me awkwardly.

We were back to where we were before. Friends. Close colleagues. Co-workers. Acquaintances. Strangers. I didn’t know what you were thinking anymore. I don’t know what you’ve been doing in your life. I didn’t know what you did or talked to our maknae. It hurt me and I’m not getting any of this anymore. No way. Not after all the efforts I made all these years. The relationship I had with that man was brief. He knew it was coming so we parted in a good way. And me, I’ll get back what I lost, what I threw away. I’ll take it back the way I got it previously. Your hands, arms, your legs, your neck, your waist, I grabbed them. I grabbed them like I did before and I never let go. I sat on the chair next to you even when I saw someone else aiming for that place. I place myself in the spot next to you. I started conversations which you previously initiated. I texted you. I called you. I asked for tips for work-out, pretended that I was worried about my or thighs or tummy.

And we were back to where we were supposed to be. You dropped your defences. You stopped avoiding me. We had our long happy chats again. We hang out, with our maknae of course. You still kept a distance though. It’s a given as I didn’t tell you about my break up I had. After we became comfortable with each other again, I told you. I’m single. I’m free. I’m your best friend, like the one I was before. You received the news gladly. You were happy. I saw that in your eyes, in your smiles.

What happened, I didn’t regret it, at all. In fact, I was somewhat glad it happened because if not for that, we would have been in the same state forever. The thing that happened, even though it pushed us apart for a while, it brought us closer together. It was what I, the famous mong~, noticed. The high fives we had, they weren’t the same anymore. They were not simply a celebratory gesture where we slapped our palms together. They evolved more where the moment out palms hit each other, our fingers automatically interlaced and stayed like that longer than necessary. The eldest always complained we did it a lot while ignoring his extended hands. We couldn’t help it, our hands moved involuntarily. They really did. I no longer hesitated to extend my hand for you to grab and you, your hand no longer afraid to find its way to mine.

Do you know what my favourite moments are? It was when we hugged. More so if you’re the one who hugged me. The hugs we had, it’s no longer just two bodies getting close together, arms around each other and exchanging pats on the back. It became more intimate. Our bodies will become really close together, as if there’s glue that stuck us together, not letting us apart even for a few millimetres. Our arms will wrap around each other tightly. Hands no longer patting but grabbing at whatever we can, jacket, shirt, piece of flesh, anything that will hold us longer. Our cheeks will touch each other, sometimes our necks tickled by each other’s breath. Those brief moments were the ones I treasured the most. We were connected physically and emotionally.

By the way, can you guess my favourite moment of favourite moments? The best hug among all the hugs we had? It was when you back hugged me. It was sudden, chaotic, silly, but it felt good, like I was meant to be there being hugged and you were meant to hug me that way. I wish it lasted longer, minus all the running and tension. Ah, can I add somemore? More favourite moments. Aaa, I have too many precious memories, and all of them involve you being around me. Like when you suddenly lifted me with your two arms, like a groom carrying his bri- I meant, like a boyfriend carrying his sleeping drunk girlfriend to be- err, like a sad little boy carrying a dead rabbit to bur- ah forget it! It was those times when you lifted me, holding me gently while I wrapped my arms around your neck, resting my head on your broad shoulder. Again, it felt good, it felt right. No wonder other girls liked it.

But, these moments went on longer than they should.

Similar questions I had before threatened my time of tranquillity. I believed you were in the same state too.

What were we?

Best friends? We were more than that.

Family? Like you always claimed to be?

Or more? Something that we avoided for so long already. Something we both wanted but both were afraid of.

I was restless. You were restless. Things cannot stay like this forever or situation like before will happen again. This time, you were the one who took the first big step. Yes, it was the day you let out your big secret you pathetically tried to hide. It was the day I dug back my secret and accepted it honestly. With that big revelation, we finally found the answer. The answer we’ve been waiting forever to know. The answer that both of us are happy with.

We are more than just best friends. More than just a family.

We are… Oops… I almost said it. It’s a secret between us.

Only both of us know it.

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A/N: This fic is partly inspired by "Strangers to Couple" collection in SA thread in isubs ❤