Never. Forgive.

The last of the husky voices spits those two profoundly simple words as the draping stethoscope approaches the end of my bed, asking me about the usual and checks them against a board. Like the nurses that pass and pass¹, she leaves too –passing with pronounced slowness, lips move but words reach me in epic slowness, like ships sailing across the horizon in their grey caps². They will all be gone after the next meal – after sunset, when the warrior within me will awake – to slay the monsters under the bed and my mind will continue to fight the demons in my head… But all along the voices invade.³

I turn to the window not too near, the tulips that a familiar stranger sent this morning, still fresh. They are too red, they hurt me. Breathing and blooming, eating up my oxygen⁴. This is not the life want, to be watched like I have never been before, with stranger faces hovering around… And all along these voices in my head, they are too hard to change. They just hate me⁵ – and make me hate myself.

Open the windows. Let me breathe.

Claustrophobia cascades. I stab the steel spoon into the white mess and land my feet upon white marble floor. The coldness stings, but living is the priority. I shuffle towards the transparent frame, beyond which, is the mystery I came from. My fingers make their marks on the clear glass. I place a fugitive pressure against the panes. They creak and give way, the wind rushes at me. I look down and beyond – The sea greets. I feel the sky yet closer now… It is time to say goodnight, even the moon hides its light… Only the now changed gentle cooing of the demons in my head…⁶

Closer to freedom.

References:

^1,2,4, Adapted from Sylvia Plath’s “Tulips”

^3,6 Adapted from LadyMaybeBaby’s “Lullaby Baby” (http://www.thepoetsanctuary.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34197)

⁵Adapted from P!nk’s “Try”