“You’re using her?”

“I cannot get over Seohyun.”

“But Jessica deserves better than this.”

“I know but I cannot let her go.”

“Do you love her in the first place?”

She could only shrug her shoulders. And the person eavesdropping into the conversation could literally hear her heart breaking apart.

She knew her younger girlfriend wasn’t serious over her. She knew that girl was using her to get over her ex but it was just too difficult to do so.

But yet, she allowed her heart to be broken again and again.

*

Jessica was so in love. She was too in love. She was blinded and completely relied on her younger girlfriend that she needed that girl to live.

It didn’t really matter that the girl was breaking her heart into pieces. She would give in all the time even it wasn’t her fault most of the time.

She made breakfast and put them on the dining table. Her younger girlfriend was still sleeping in their room. Jessica went into her room and stared at the sleeping girl. She wished that girl could love her a little bit more but she knew she would be asking for too much.

She was afraid that girl would leave if she demanded too much.

She grabbed her bag before leaning closer towards the sleeping girlfriend. She gave a soft kiss on her forehead.

“I love you, Yoona.”

She left immediately after that.

*

“Jessica, how long do you intend to be like this?”

Her best friend, Tiffany couldn’t stand watching her childhood friend suffering like this. Her own girlfriend, Taeyeon was with them.

“I love her, Tiffany.”

“You’re just blindly besotted with her.”

“Tiffany, she’s my everything.”

“You can find someone better.”

“You’re lucky to have Taeyeon. Cherish her, okay?”

“Baby, can you help me with Jessica?”

Taeyeon pulled her girlfriend closer to her and gave a soft kiss on her forehead. She smiled at Tiffany before hugging her by the waist. She then turned to Jessica and reached out for the girl’s hand.

“Tiffany’s right. You’re suffering too much. Why can’t you just let her go?”

“Taeyeon, I love her too much to let her go.”

“I understand but it hurts us too if you’re suffering like this.”

“Then what do I have to do, Taeyeon?”

“Either talk to her and be slightly demanding or let her go and open your heart to someone new.”

Jessica was perplexed.

*

Jessica drove to Yoona’s school. She parked her car and then sat inside. She was not willing to find Yoona because Yoona didn’t like her to be here in the first place. She didn’t want people to know that they are dating. She was worried that her university mates and lecturers would talk about her if they know she’s a lesbian. Only her best friends, Yuri and Soo Young knew the truth.

Jessica spotted Yoona and her friends. They were coming out from their lecture hall and made their way to the cafeteria. Jessica smiled when she saw Yoona. She loves that girl so much. Im Yoona was the only one who could turn her grey skies blue. But yet, it was the same person who could turn her blue skies grey again.

But it was not for long. The smile faded when she saw someone familiar in Yoona’s presence. Yoona’s ex girlfriend, Seohyun was with them. That girl was with someone new and Jessica could see Yoona’s facial expressions. They were dark.

She knew Yoona was jealous to find Seohyun with her new boyfriend. Seohyun left her because she thought it was wrong to be in love with a girl. She left Yoona; leaving the girl heartbroken. It was Jessica who picked up the pieces and put them back together.

But of course, it was just for nothing. Yoona was still pining for Seohyun.

And it kills Jessica all the time.

*

“Yoona, do you want to eat?”

Jessica asked the moment she heard Yoona walking in through the door. But that girl didn’t answer her and Jessica knew why. She saw what happened in school earlier on. Their bedroom door was slammed shut and Jessica’s tears fell immediately.

She then heard loud music from their room. Jessica sighed before dumping her food into the waste bin. She knew if Yoona was this upset, she wouldn’t eat at all. And Jessica’s home-cooked food would be wasted like that.

Jessica didn’t return to her bedroom; she took refuge in the guest room instead. She didn’t want to provoke Yoona further.

“Yoona, I’m right here.”

Jessica cried that night to sleep.

*

Yoona woke up to find Jessica missing. She was still in her blurry state as she looked around the room. There was no sign of her older girlfriend. Yoona frowned.

“Jessica?”

Yoona got out from the bed and went to the kitchen. There was not a single soul but the table was full of food. Jessica must have bought breakfast before leaving for work this morning. Yoona went to wash up and sat the dining table. She saw her favourite food. She sighed.

Jessica was doing her best to keep her happy. She did all she could to keep Yoona by her side. Honestly, Yoona was touched with Jessica’s efforts to help heal. But she was not doing anything to help herself; she was just attaching herself to Jessica. She clung on that girl for support but just couldn’t love Jessica the way she wanted Yoona to.

She took a bite of her food and then stared blankly in the empty space. She loves Seohyun; she still does. But the other girl couldn’t return the love back. She has decided to move on with her new boyfriend; leaving Yoona green with jealousy.

Jessica was just convenient for her. She happened to come along; fell in love with Yoona and gave everything of her without asking for anything in return. She wanted to leave Jessica but she just couldn’t bring herself to do so.  Jessica would die if she did that.

Yoona was caught in between.

*

Jessica returned home after a hard day at work. Yoona was already home. She was watching television.  The younger girl turned and smiled. Jessica felt consoled.

“Hi Yoona.”

“Hi Baby. Are you alright?”

“I had a hard day at work.”

“Oh, I’ve cooked dinner tonight. Go and take a shower. We will have dinner together.”

Jessica was surprised. Yoona has never cooked for her. She stared at the girl with open. Yoona saw it. She got up from her sofa and went over to Jessica.

She placed her both hands on Jessica’s shoulders. She massaged them thoroughly.

“Why are you so surprised?”

“Nothing, I was just taken aback.”

“I didn’t have class today so I thought I should cook for you.  You’re tired, right?”

Jessica nodded her head eagerly. Yoona kissed her forehead before pushing her gently back into their bedroom. Yoona then prepared dinner for them.

Jessica was showering with a smile on her face. She couldn’t believe Yoona was doing this for her. This was the very first time and it made Jessica head over heels all over again. But unknown to Jessica, Yoona had a different agenda. The girl seemed to have decided on something. She couldn’t do it to Jessica anymore.

Dinner was served and Yoona treated Jessica well. Yoona cooked well and it was extremely delicious. They were intimate and it was almost like a fairy tale. Jessica couldn’t even suspect anything was not right because she was too immersed with Yoona.

But Yoona was waiting for the right period. She looked at the happy Jessica when she gave her a present. It was a leather band with the word “LOVE” on it. She put it around Jessica’s wrist and then kissed her on the lips.

Jessica blushed.

“Why are you doing so much?”

The older girl asked but the younger one just shook her head. She pulled Jessica closer and hugged her tightly before sleeping in each other’s embraces.

Yoona’s heart was aching when she saw Jessica slept in her arms with a wide smile on her face.

“I’m sorry, Jessica.”

Yoona left in the early morning.

*

Jessica went crazy after Yoona left.  Tiffany was really angry at Yoona for leaving Jessica just like that. Her best friend was dying slowly.

“Jessica, come and eat something.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You cannot do this. You haven’t eaten anything for 3 days now.”

“Why is Yoona doing this to me?”

“I don’t know, Jessica.”

“Haven’t I been treating her well?”

“It’s not you, Jessica. It’s just her. She’s not worth your tears.”

“I love her, Tiffany. I really do.”

Jessica broke down. She couldn’t take the pain anymore and Tiffany was agitated.

“Don’t think of her anymore.”

“Tiffany..”

“I forbid you. Do not mention her name anymore, Jessica!”

*

A year later

Jessica couldn’t move on so she just let it be. She just kept memories of Yoona hidden deep down in her heart. She just couldn’t get over that girl. So she gave up trying.

But she promised Tiffany that she would be happy. She would try to be happy at least for Tiffany’s sake. Taeyeon and Tiffany were never far away from her. Jessica sold her house and lived with them instead.

Things went well and Jessica adopted a little white Siamese cat. Jessica was in love with that cat because its face looked like as though he was wearing a mask. She got a male cat to keep her company. She named him Professor X.  She calls him X for short.

“X!”

There was a sound of a bell ringing and the cat bounced into her room. He went straight to Jessica and caressed his body against Jessica’s leg. She picked him up.

“How are you, baby?”

X purred softly. He nuzzled his nose against her cheeks.

“You miss me huh?”

“Of course, he does! He keeps lurking outside your room door. Last night, he tried to claw the door open.”

Tiffany came in and ruffled X’s fur. The cat purred in agreement.

“Aww, I’m sorry baby. I’m home now. Have you eaten?”

She let X down and the cat ran towards the kitchen. Tiffany shook her head.

“You’re pampering X too much.”

“He’s my only baby.”

“He was actually sulking when you were away. He refused to eat too.”

“My baby loves me too much.”

Tiffany rolled her eyes and Jessica gave her a quick hug.

“Thank you for watching over him though.”

“He’s a good boy. The only difficult part was when he refused to eat anything and sulked at the corner of the room!”

Jessica laughed. X was getting impatient. He waited beside his bowl. He demanded to be fed. Jessica took his food and poured into his bowl.

“He’s my only comfort, Tiffany.”

Jessica caressed his body carefully. Tiffany understood that perfectly. The cat filled Jessica’s loneliness with laughter and love but the void in her heart that was left by Yoona was still deep. It was like a bottomless pit.

“I’m just glad that you’re doing fine right now. I know you’re still thinking of Yoona but at least X kept you company. He’s becoming more like a human being rather than a feline.”

“He’s like a son to me – my bratty son.”

The two ladies laughed and X purred as well. He didn’t mind being called a brat. His favourite person was just perfect as she was.

*

“X! Are you alright?”

X caught the cold and he just vomited on Jessica’s sofa. Her bratty boy was sick. Jessica grabbed a blanket and wrapped around the feline. She took him to the vet and called Tiffany along the way. The girl agreed to meet her at the vet.

“X, you have to be fine, okay?”

Jessica was worried but X tried to comfort her as much as he could. He crossed over and cuddled in Jessica’s lap. Jessica smiled.

“You sure know how to make yourself comfortable huh?”

X just yawned at her before sleeping on her lap. It didn’t bother Jessica at all. She placed her hand on her baby boy’s back. X fell asleep immediately.

At the vet, Jessica grabbed a blanket and carried X closer to her chest. The feline was terrified at first. He was at a new place. Jessica registered him and took a seat near to the vet’s room. X was observing the room but sat comfortably on Jessica’s lap.

There were other pets at the place; huge dogs were jumping around its owner; a cockatoo with a broken wing and a rabbit with a chipped nose. X was a royalist. He just sat on Jessica’s lap; ignoring all the other pets like as though they didn’t exist at all.

“Miss Jung and X? You’re next.”

Jessica got up on her feet; X extended his claws and leaned against Jessica’s chest. His claws dug into Jessica’s flesh.

“Okay, relax baby. I’m here. Don’t be alarmed. I’ll take care of you.”

X purred softly. Jessica took her beloved into the room; only to be greeted with a familiar face that she had not seen for almost a year.

X hissed loudly at the vet while Jessica looked on and the vet was staring back at her.

“Jessica..”

“Yoona.”

They met again.

*

“What?! She’s a vet now?!”

Tiffany met up with Jessica after the visit to the vet. Yoon was professional enough to avoid any questions that are not related to X.  Jessica was just more concerned with X than with Yoona.

“What did she say?”

“I didn’t really ask anything and she only asked questions regarding X.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, then I left the vet and caught up with you here.”

“Jessica, how did you feel after seeing her?”

Jessica sighed. She knew her heart skipped a beat but X’s sneezes were more a concern to her. She didn’t really care about anything else.

“So you’re more worried about X than to even worry about Yoona?”

“Is that wrong?”

“No, that’s a good move.”

“I know you would say that and you know what?”

“What?”

Jessica ruffled X’s fur on his back.

“X left a souvenir.”

“What did he do?”

“He left a scratch mark on Yoona’s arm.”

“Way to go, X! You’re revenging for your Mommy, right?”

Jessica rolled her eyes.

“Tiffany, that’s mean.”

“Well, I heard pets can know how you feel and what you’re thinking inside. He must have felt your pain.”

“Yeah, yeah, Tiffany Hwang is still as evil as ever.”

“Ya, I’m just glad that Yoona didn’t try anything funny with you.”

Jessica shrugged her shoulders.

*

“Hi Professor X.”

Jessica was surprised when she saw Yoona at her doorstep. X was looking up as well.

“Yoona?”

“I’m sorry. I was just nearby.”

“How did you..?”

Yoona stuck her tongue out and scratched her head.

“I have your address at our clinic. I took it.”

Yoona confessed. She wasn’t proud of it. That was supposed to be confidential but she had a valid excuse.

“I’m checking on X. Is he feeling better now?”

Jessica picked X up and cuddled her closer.

“X’s fine. He has recovered I assume.”

“Yup, he looks better now.”

Yoona avoided looking into Jessica’s eyes. She was staring into X but Jessica had to know why she was here.

“What do you want, Yoona?”

Jessica finally asked.

*

Yoona slumped against her armchair. Her last patient was a cute rabbit who got its nose tip bitten off in a fight with a larger rabbit. But she couldn’t concentrate. Her mind was full of Jessica.

She misses Jessica. She really misses her a lot. And there was one thing Yoona regretted the most – leaving Jessica was her worst regret.

“What do you want, Yoona?”

Jessica knew Yoona wasn’t here; just to visit X. She was here for a reason which baffled Jessica greatly. She wasn’t ready for Yoona’s presence right now. Although she was happy to see her again but she was afraid that she might fall again.

“You’re not here for my cat, isn’t it?”

“You got me.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Yoona was nervously rubbing the nape of her neck. She fidgeted around too much as Jessica stared at her. Yoona wasn’t too sure if she was allowed to say it.

“I’m here because of you.”

Jessica knew what Yoona wanted to say next and she didn’t want to hear it.

“Please, don’t say it.”

“Jessica..”

“You don’t have the right to say anything anymore.”

“I’m sorry.”

“The day you left me behind was the day you threw my heart away and I don’t intend to take it back anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I was so stupid back then.”

“You didn’t look for me, Yoona.”

“I wanted to but I wasn’t too sure if you would take me back.”

“And what makes you think that I’d take you back this time?”

Yoona bit her lower lip. Jessica has changed. It was not the same Jessica anymore.

“I just wanted to see you again. I couldn’t stop thinking of you after your visit at my clinic. I know I don’t deserve to be with you again and I’m not asking you to take me back.”

“Okay, you have seen me. You can go home now.”

Yoona never thought Jessica could be cold like this.

*

“Dr Im, there’s someone here to meet you.”

Someone intruded Yoona’s trail of thoughts. She turned to find her nurse waiting for her instructions. She nodded.

“Let her in.”

“Sure.”

Yoona adjusted her white coat and put away her stethoscope. She put her files away and turned off her computer. Someone entered her room and Yoona greeted her without looking.

“Can I help you?”

“Yoona.”

Yoona looked up to find Jessica standing there; looking at her.

“Sica?”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

“Are you leaving soon?”

“Yup, I’ll pack up a bit.”

“I’ll wait outside.”

Yoona was still stunned by Jessica’s presence.

*

Yoona drove up the hill and parked her car near to the peak of the mountain. The view was beautiful but Yoona’s heart was pumping rapidly. Jessica was extremely quiet throughout the journey. The older girl got out from the car and Yoona followed suit. They made their way to the bench situated nearby. Jessica sat on it while Yoona stood not far away from her. Both were staring into the sun set; it was such a beautiful view.

Yoona nervously kicked the fallen leaves near her shoes. The silence was awkward and Yoona wondered why Jessica wanted to meet her. She had to ask.

“Is X okay?”

“Yes, he’s fine.”

“Okay, that’s good to know.”

“I’m here to talk about us.”

Jessica went straight to the point. Her cold voice was seeping into Yoona’s heart; it pained her further but Yoona knew she couldn’t blame anyone but herself.

“What do you want to talk about, Jessica?”

“I need to know something. You have to tell me the truth.”

Yoona nodded.

“Have you ever loved me in the first place?”

Yoona was glad Jessica gave her a chance to explain herself. She turned to where Jessica was sitting and stood in front of her. She then slowly knelt down in front of Jessica – the latter’s eyes were on her all the time.

Yoona stretched out and grabbed her hand. She moved her thumb in a circular motion on Jessica’s palm before lifting it up to kiss Jessica’s hand.

“I’ve always thought that I loved Seohyun. You were there for convenience sake.”

Jessica’s mouth twitched but Yoona quickly held Jessica’s hand with her both hands.

“But when I left you, I felt empty. I realized I couldn’t do anything. I started missing you and then it struck me after a long time – I love you. I was in love with you all the while. I just took you for granted because you were always there for me.”

“Then why didn’t you look for me?”

“I don’t think I deserve that.”

“You know how much pain you have given to me?”

“I know, Jessica. I know how much I’ve put you through. I wanted to see you badly but I couldn’t do it.”

“So why now?”

“I’m not asking for anything, Jessica. I just wanted to meet you and talk with you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me back again. I really want to be your friend again.”

“So you’re not putting any hopes on us anymore?”

“It’s all up to you, Jessica. But if you take me back, I promise I’ll love you well.”

“I may not love you as much as before.”

“It’s okay. I’ll do the job instead.”

“What?”

“I’ll give you everything.”

Jessica was staring into Yoona’s eyes. Her heart softened when she saw tears b in Yoona’s eyes. She knows she still loves this girl but she wasn’t too sure if it was sufficient to reconcile with Yoona again.

“You don’t have to decide now. Like I’ve said, I want to be your friend again. Let’s take things slow, okay?”

Jessica agreed.

*

It has been months since Yoona tried to repair her relationship with Jessica. She tried her best to bridge their souls together but Jessica was still cautious of her.  Jessica avoided any forms of skinship and she drew a line between them. Intimacy was out of the question too.

Jessica was aware of what she was doing. But she couldn’t put her trust entire only Yoona. She knew she was suffocating the poor girl with her insecurities. Still, Yoona didn’t complain and Tiffany was getting tired of Jessica’s hesitations.

“Why did you go back to Yoona when you’re insecure?”

Jessica kept silent.

“If you cannot love her anymore, then don’t do this. You’ll only hurt her and yourself more.”

“I thought you told me to be careful?”

“Yes I did but you’re getting paranoid now. Yoona was just out to buy lunch but you had to fight with her over it.”

Jessica was guilty of that.

“If you cannot love her, then don’t be with her. Don’t drag it anymore.”

Jessica stared at Tiffany. Her best friend was right.

*

“Yoona, I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t think I can love you the way I used to.”

“It’s okay. You’ve tried your best.”

“Let’s break up.”

“Okay.”

*

Yoona left Seoul for good after Jessica decided to part with her.  Jessica was upset that the girl left but she knew it wasn’t the same anymore. She couldn’t break Yoona’s heart like how the girl broke hers.

She knew it was going to be unfair if she continued to hurt Yoona like that. But before Yoona left, Jessica gave her a CD. It was a song that Jessica wanted to sing for Yoona but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Jessica, I’m leaving for UK next month.”

“Alright, you have to take care of yourself.”

“Thank you for giving me a chance to love you even thought it didn’t work out.”

“Yoona, I hope you’re not offended by this.”

“No, I’m not. I’m actually happy that you’ve given me a chance and still remain honest with me. I let you go with a big heart. I hope you’ll find someone better than me, Jessica.”

“Yoona, honestly speaking, you’re still one of the best for me. I loved you sincerely. But I just couldn’t put myself through it anymore although I know you’re no longer the same anymore.”

Yoona just nodded her head. She didn’t really blame Jessica for her heart break. At least she tried.

“Yoona, I have a gift for you.”

“Huh?”

“I meant to give you a long time ago. But I didn’t give it to you because I couldn’t bear with the thought of living my life without you.”

“What is it?”

Jessica took out the CD and put it in Yoona’s hands.

“I sang a song which sums up everything that I felt inside.”

“Thanks Jessica.”

“Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will.”

Yoona was staring at the CD for a long time.  She took it out and played it on her hi-fi system. The introduction was rather soft and gentle and then she heard Jessica’s voice.

It was melodious and definitely, endearing. But the song lyrics were painful. Yoona cried when she heard the lyrics.

 

Baby, Don’t Break My Heart Slow – Vonda Shephard featuring Emily Saliers

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you say
Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

(Chorus)
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken do you mean
Do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

(Chorus)
Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye(goodbye)
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

(Bridge)
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

I was believing in you

(Chorus)
I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

Don't love and lie 
I'd rather hear the the truth and have to say goodbye 
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know 
But baby don't you break my heart slow
Baby don't you break my heart slo

*

Sometimes love wasn’t meant to be,

Sometimes love made a fool out of us,

But if we’re destined to be together,

No matter where we are, we’ll still meet each other.

*

3 years later

Jessica went to France for a holiday. Tiffany and Taeyeon tagged along but they went on their separate ways. The couple has officially married each other and adopted a girl from the orphanage. They named her Sulli.

Jessica went on her own to give the couple some family time alone with Sulli. She was fine being on her own. It wasn’t her first time though.

Jessica was visiting the museum; she loves architectural buildings and definitely enjoys a little bit of Western culture.  She was wandering from place to place. She didn’t have any destination; she was just taking her own sweet time.

Suddenly she heard a familiar song. It was the song she sang for Yoona. She searched for the voice. It was too familiar. She started running when she realized the sound was becoming more crystal clear. It just showed that singer was just nearby.

She was stunned to find Yoona strumming her guitar; singing to a small audience in a park. She stood at a corner; not within Yoona’s view and listened carefully to her voice. She was taken in by Yoona’s voice. The audience was clapping loudly after she was done.

“Thanks everyone. That song reminds me of someone I love so dearly. It has been so long but I just couldn’t get over her. So I could only sing this song whenever I miss her. Anyway thank you for listening!”

Everyone nodded their heads and even shouted some encouraging words for Yoona. Jessica was still watching her.

And then Yoona turned.

Their eyes met.

Yoona was stunned.

Jessica didn’t wait any longer.

Honestly, she couldn’t forget Yoona either.

She ran towards Yoona and jumped on her. Yoona grabbed her tightly before wrapping her arms around her waist.

And time stopped when their lips met.

It was celebration all over again. They don’t need words.

Only love.

*