Chapter 1
Breaking up with myself
“Jin-gyuk, we need to talk.” I sit down across from him at the lunch table. His smile is wide and inviting. I can already feel my heart sinking in my chest as I breathe out.
“Listen, Jin-gyuk, you’re a really great guy but I…I’m sorry but I can’t…be with you anymore.” I say the last words as a whisper. I look at him to see if he heard me. His smile is gone, and the look on his face changed from happiness to confusion.
“I don’t understand, Baek-hee,” He says to me, “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing, You did nothing wrong. It’s just that,” I stop myself, trying to think of a way to tell him or even if I should tell him. “It’s just that, I don’t have feelings for you.” I blurt out, the words sounding harsher than I have intended.
He sits there, stunned. He shakes his head. “No,” he says, “No, that’s not true.”
“Yes, it is.” I tell him, I know now that my voice has an extra sharpness to it than earlier.
“But why?” He says, I can see a tear appear in his eye as he turns and looks away from me. “Why don’t you have feelings for me anymore?”
“It’s not that, I mean, I tried to have feelings for you. I really did, but it just never happened. And you are such a great guy and an amazing boyfriend. I just….couldn’t.”
“That’s bull and you know it,” he says, almost yelling at me. His tone, angry and hostile.
“What are you talking about?”
“If you never loved me. How could you let me meet your parents? How could you say that you would want to marry me? How could you let me give you a promise ring? How you could….how could you have with me?” His voice cracks, and he turns around, with me only seeing his back.
“I gave you everything, Baek-hee,” he mumbles. I begin to cry. “How could you do this?”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him, I move up from the table and sit next to him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I touch him, my fingers brushing up against his arm, he moves away from me.
“I don’t understand, how? How could you tell me you never loved me? Like my feelings don’t even matter?”
“Jin-gyuk, I…”
“I don’t want to hear any of your excuses, Baek-hee. I don’t care anymore. Just leave me alone, if that’s what you really want.” He walks away from the table, his last words, ringing through the hallways. I could feel people staring at me. I hear their whispers. Did they just break up? What happened, did she cheat on him? I think she’s pregnant?
I could not take the harsh whispers anymore. I run from the table and out of the cafeteria. I run down the hallway. I run past the teachers asking me to stop. I run until I bump into Hye-mi.
“Baek-hee,” she says, “What’s wrong?” The words stumble out of my mouth as I choke on them.
“I…I…I’m….I’m…..I…in….,” Hye-mi stares at me. Her face seem is glowing. Her eyes twinkle as she looks at me with a frown on her face. She places into my hand. My heart races at the touch of her skin. I see people surrounding us as I stand there, looking insane. And Hye-mi, stands there with me, looking concern. She turns her head at all the people staring at us. He hair flies, leaving behind a sweet scent.
“What?” she says, giving everyone a cold look that would freeze you in ice. People just stand there. I let go of her hand and run. I could hear Hye-mi calling after me. I ignore her and run up to the stairs and up them.
I get to the door and open it and run outside. I get to the edge and fall to my knees. I sob to myself. My hands clenching the edge of the building. I could not live like this, anymore. I cannot take this. The breaths pound my lungs as the escape my body. My head throbs with all the whispers still lingering in it. Cheater, pregnant, cheater, liar, cheater.
I stand up and walk on top of the ledge.
“No,” I say, crying to myself, my hands fumbling through my hair. “I’m gay!” I say, out loud. I cry harder and harder.
“I’m gay,” I say, one last time before I fall and tumble over the edge. The ground getting closer and closer.
End
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