It hurts, it really really hurts. How does Woohyun even cope with it? How does he spend every day of his life being so close to Sunggyu but not being able to hold him, to kiss him, to love him. How can he bear the thought of Sunggyu not even wanting him back? I’ve never understood this. Even as I asked him how he dealt with the pain, he could only pat my shoulder and tell me that if I loved the person enough, everything else no longer mattered. But I’m selfish, I’m possessive and jealous. I don’t like seeing Sungyeol with anyone else and even though I may seem indifferent, I am anything but.

He leans in and whispers to Dongwoo, holds Sungjong’s arm, laughs with Hoya and all the while I stand by the side and let my emotions rip through my chest and leave myself bleeding, raw and open for Sungyeol to see. He never does though (or he acts like he doesn’t) because his eyes are always elsewhere, ignoring my gaze and pretending I’m not staring right into him. I can’t help but hate the other members, even Woohyun whom I know is in love with Sunggyu and has no interest whatsoever in Sungyeol. But it’s the way Sungyeol acts that gets my emotions all fired up, the way he teases me, yet lets everything burn black as he ignores my feelings.

The thing is, is that I can’t be straightforward with him and tell him I love him, no- that will ruin everything. I know he doesn’t see me that way, made it clear on multiple accounts. I can feel it, feel the rejection as he pulls away from my touch, goes blank faced when I call his name, or when he tries to slip away from being anywhere near me. So of course it hurts, hurts so much that everything burns numb and scabs over with dried blood. You can’t get someone like Sungyeol to ever love you, he has to all on his own. Either he loves you or he doesn’t. I know he loves me, but it isn’t the same love that I want- that I need from him. He’ll never want me in that way anyways; never see me like that. I know I must disgust him, that I must infuriate him, annoy him, scare him, sadden him. Everything I do is for him and everything I do affects him.

I can try and try to claw my way into his heart, but I know it’s too much - that I’m too much - and I know that he likes his personal space, but I can’t help it. Not when he’s so close and just within reach, not when I can push him against a closed door and tell him how much I love him and kiss him raw and hard and deep and taste every bit of him and intake every scent of his and just have my lips against his. Feeling, touching, tasting, it’s all I’ve ever known and all I want to do to Sungyeol. It’s all Sungyeol doesn’t want from me though.

It’s all cold and bitter where something warm and beating use to be. I can’t remember how it felt before, if before even felt any different. It just hurts now is all. Because Sungyeol is my best friend and my bandmate and he treats me different from the others. Because he loves me as his friend and cherishes me as his friend and wants me as his friend. There is nothing else I can do but be his friend and as he pushes and pulls me, I feel even more dead, but nothing in the world can ever stop me from loving Lee Sungyeol, even himself. All I can do is love him and all he can do is pretend nothing’s different from the happy front we give everyone.

And I can’t help but love Sungyeol even more because no matter how much I want him and push myself on him, he doesn’t ever want to stop being friends.