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“You got something to tell me, don’t keep it inside. Let it be heard,” I said.

He didn’t want to see me, he looked at different direction. I knew he was trying to avoid my gaze. He bit his lips. I let another sigh out, “I’m afraid that you will say it’s over—something between us. It’s the last thing I want to hear.”

He didn’t reply. I was wondering why he didn’t look at me, say that what I said was wrong and told me that we were okay. We were really not okay—something between us was shaking. I’ve known it since two weeks ago, since the day he forgot his promise to meet me in a café for lunch. He stood me up for three hours and I had to forgive his excuse.

“You fell in love with that coordinuna, didn’t you?”

He finally looked up to see me. Or to see my teary eyes, I tried to hold back all the tears and smiled bitterly, “I knew it, before you did.” 

“I’m—”

I took off my ring as if was an easy thing to do, I put it on the table and shrugged, “I wonder if you were thinking about me when I wasn’t around like I always thinking about you for every second.”

“Look, I can explain about the cancelation of our lunch date today…”

I cut his words, “I don’t want to hear more excuses, Changsub. I know you’re an idol, I understand why we can’t date openly and freely as we wish, I’m totally fine with all those things we couldn’t do since you’re a public figure. I’m okay with not get any call or text from you, I’m okay if we can’t meet for weeks or even months. But it doesn’t mean that you can lie to me…”

He ruffled his bang and handed the ring to me, “Put it back on your finger.” I shook my head, “Why should I?”

“Because we can’t break up this easily,” he answered, grabbed my left hand and put the ring on my finger forcedly. When I tried to took it off for the twice, he whispered, “Don’t do that, please.”

“The distance between us is getting wider, don’t you realize it? I’ve missed you, the old you. Although you are here next to me, I still missing you. I miss my Changsub…” I added.

He looked down. He did really think that we should break up, didn’t he? He didn’t fight me back as he didn’t try to save this relationship. He didn’t really want me to stay. Why didn’t he beg me to not give up on him?

Changsub did you really fall for that coordinuna?

I’ve been monitoring all the events of his group. I went to all the fansigns, fanmeets, even I cheered them up each broadcast music program they had. She was always being there—next to him. At first, I thought it because she was his personal coordinuna the company gave him. Of course she needed to be close to Changsub in order to do her job.

It wasn’t a big deal. Not since Changsub put our ring as chain of his necklace instead of wearing it on his finger. I was wondering why, and I heard it was because she asked him to do it, so she could put other accessories on him more.

He listened to that coordinuna so well. 

“I love you…” he suddenly said it.

I sighed, “You aren’t anymore. That woman replaced me, right?” Changsub whimpered, “Can’t you just once, stop talking about her?”

“Why? Are you going to defend her?” I asked.

He shook his head, “It’s not like that, it just not a good thing that you blamed her for this matter. It’s about us, don’t put her on our frame.”

“You are the one who puts her there, Changsub.”

He ruffled his hair again. I smiled bitterly, “You should monitor all the videos, and you will understand why I said that she already got a place on your heart.”

“She isn’t!” he insisted.

“Really?”

“You never try to trust me,” he replied.

I bit my bottom lip, “I’ve tried to. I might believe your words that you are not fall for her but you forget one thing, Changsub. I have a sense as a girl. I can tell that you look at her with those eyes that used to see me.”

He gasped.

“No matter how hard I tried to believe your words that you only could see me and that you would never fall for other but me, your eyes failed me. Tell me how to not trust my heart, Changsub, tell me, please,” I begged him, pulled his hands and held them.

Changsub held back my hands, “Trust me, she got nothing on you. It’s only your insecure feelings because we got no time to meet up and I was so busy to give you a call, I’m sorry, but this mistake would never happen again.”

“What about your eyes?”

“It just—”

“O, Changsub what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be upstairs and practicing?” a woman’s voice shocked us, and as soon as that he released my hands and got up from his chair. I turned my head to see her.

“Ah—oh, Nuna, I’m just… Uhm.. I’m going to buy a coffee…” he smiled awkwardly and walked to the counter to get a cup of Americano.

She looked at me as I let a harsh sigh out. I pulled my chair and got up. She stood on my way, I mumbled, “Excuse me.”

She didn’t move. I tried to hold back my anger and smiled, “Excuse me…” I repeated my words. She acted like she didn’t hear me and at the time Changsub got back with Americano on his hand, she put her hand on my shoulder, “You two should talk upstairs.”

I ignored her, took another way to move out the table because she didn’t move at all from my way. She got my arms and said it again—clearer, “You two should talk upstairs. People will notice sooner or later. Come on.”

“I don’t want to.” I emphasized all the words to her.

Changsub stayed silent. I sent a slight gaze on her, “Why don’t you just go around him all day long and let go off me. I don’t have time for a like this.”

“Wow you’re pretty rude, not like what Changsub has described,” she said. I rolled my eyes, “Like I care? I’m living for my happiness not to please you.”

“Dammit, why are you so hard to deal with?” she groaned. I took a look at Changsub, “Did he tell you that I’m easy?”

She pulled me and dragged me to upstairs, and put me and Changsub in one room—with her too. I leaned my back to the chair and refused to face Changsub. She lifted one of her eyebrows, “You hate me, right?”

I didn’t reply.

“You hate me because you think that I was the one who asked him to take the ring off from his finger, don’t you?” she asked me again. I hushed, “Not even your business, whether I hate you or not.”

“Of course it becomes my problem because I got my image bad in your eyes. Well, I don’t really care about my image around people but I do hope that I have a good image—at least to you,” she added.

I shrugged, “Why?”

“Because you said I dress Changsub so good, I have a good sense to make Changsub looks fine, I do my job well done. I’m not going to lie, but it flattered me, thank you,” she said. I choked, “I said that?”

She nodded, “Changsub told me.”

I took a look at Changsub who was avoiding my gaze. She continued, “He also said that you have a weird on his forehead, that’s why I tried so hard to get him a hair style that exposes his forehead. After I did it for Cube Concert last time, he said you loved it so much. You were so thankful, he said.”

“But I—” I tried to explain what was the real situation, that I never said those things. I never praised another girl in front of Changsub—not even once, except Changsub’s younger sister. 

Changsub shook his head to me. I looked at him. She smiled, “He lied, I know.”

He was shoked, either did I.

“Changsub kept bragging about how good you are, he wanted me to see you as a great girlfriend so I won’t tell the CEO about the relationship. Even though Hong sajangnim probably would allow him to date, but he sure would make it difficult since the group is still a rookie. Yes, he succeed built your good image to me, but I think he forgot to build mine to you and you ended up hating me because of my job around him.”

She giggled, “Both of you didn’t see each other for almost two months, right? So why don’t you spend your time together, instead of fighting and asking for split up?”

I didn’t reply. Changsub was biting his straw.

She leaned her back to the wall, “I shouldn’t jump into the picture, I know, but I can’t help to say it before you judge Changsub further. Even more for thing he never did.”

“What?” I finally asked.

“That cheated on you?”

I rolled my eyes. She heard it all, the conversation between Changsub and I. She sighed, patted Changsub’s shoulder and saying, “See you later.”

I wanted to stop her and asked her to explain me more but Changsub closed the door and he pulled a chair in front of me.

“I want to know, who ever told you I’ll let you go, the only joy I’ve ever know? I will never let our love die that easily, you should’ve known that, right?” he started to speak.

I refused to face him.

He took my hands, “About the eyes you’ve talked about, I’m not sure but from where did you jump your own conclusion?”

“I don’t know, a video where you covered a sad song and you kept looking at the different direction instead of the camera and I heard a woman’s laughs. It just…. Felt so weird...” I said looking at him.

He giggled, “It was her.”

“I know—”

“It was her holding the tablet where I put your face as the wallpaper. So I basically was looking at you. Not her,” he added. I couldn’t believe it, why would she do that?

Changsub put my hands on his chest, and I could feel his heartbeat. It was faster as he said, “She challenged me to sing a sad song with a thought of breaking with you. It was hurt, just so you know, even when if I only think about it.”

“Tell me about the ring?”

He ruffled my bang and smiling softly, “I lost weight, including the fat on my fingers. I was afraid if I keep wearing our ring on my finger, it probably falls and I can’t imagine if I lose it.  So I put it into my chain.”

“You are lying.”

“Don’t you ever try to kill me again by saying you want to break up with me, okay?” he whispered. I moisten my lips. He pecked my left cheek and said, “She was a good coordinuna, when the other coordinunas were about to scolded me because I went out too often—yeah, I did it because I had to meet you and the reason why I came late today was because the coordinunas and I argued each other and she was on my side. Please don’t hate her.”

I looked at him, “Did I say that I hate her?”

“No.”

“Yes, I’m not.”

He smiled, “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry…” I said. He shook his head and kissed my forehead gently, “I love you, and please don’t ever doubt it.”

“I love you too…”

 

 

 

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because no matter i tried to give up on him, i always have one reason to stay.