Jong Kook’s point of view

It was a hot summer’s day, the sun scorching our backs as we stood patiently, waiting for the Pds to give us our instructions. We were filming for the 4^th year anniversary since Running Man first aired on National TV. To think four years ago, the show that brought me closer to Jae Suk, Suk Jin and Haha and introduced me to Gary and Gwang Soo, started on a day much like this one. That has helped me make a family who I can share both my happiness and sadness with. A family that I would not trade for anything in the world, not even for all the riches that could be offered to me. And also introduced me to the woman who has slyly captured my heart like the vixen she is.

The said woman was standing in between me and Jae Suk, her characteristic blank expression on her face. Despite the fact that she looked innocent and lady-like with that expression, we all knew that behind the mask was a tomboy that could best anyone with her intellect and strength. That is how she became the third most popular Running Man member and was given the title of ‘The Ace’ and ‘Gold Ji Hyo’ for having won the most gold prizes single handily.

She tried very hard during each episode, gave it her all as was the norm for someone who seemed to be at a disadvantage. Being surrounded by an all-male cast must have been difficult for her, especially during the first few episodes when she was trying to adjust herself. We watched as she became less feminine, turning herself into a boisterous lady so as to fit in. She needed this as to win missions when up against men who had physical strength on their side.

But it did not help to see her face drawn in jealously when a pretty female guest arrived on the show and Ji Hyo cast aside like a broken toy. When the cameras had stopped rolling we would all flock to her side to apologize for our behaviour in which she would lightly shrug it off. I thought that she was generally not bothered by the attention we gave to the guest, until that is when one day I caught her crying.

It was during our 118^th episode, after all the couples had been decided and like the idiot I can sometimes be I had left my phone in the trailer we had just travelled in. I was about to open the door to the trailer when I could hear the faint sound of someone crying, their sobs sort of echoing through the walls.

With a soft “I’m coming in” I hesitantly opened the door. I looked inside and there appeared to be no sign of anyone in the trailer until that is I looked at the very back. Huggled in the corner was Ji Hyo, her back to me. I could tell that it was her from the nametag on her back. She hurriedly wiped away her tears before facing me with a smile that did not reach her eyes.

I had noticed that for the past few weeks her eyes always withheld a sort of anguished expression in them, ever since the filming with Moon Geun Young-ssi and the birth of my weird love-line with her. An expression that ruined the loveliness of her orbs or the warmth in her smile as it seemed bitter and cold. She turned around to face me, a smile on her face though it was forced. It was then that I got a good look at her. Her cheeks were wet from her tears and her nose was a bright red. Her hair was out from its bun and hung in tangles, as if she had frantically run her hands through it, around her pale ash-white face. Underneath her eyes, as the make-up was no longer there, I could see rings or black circles that made her almost look like a panda.  

On the whole she looked terrible, as if she had lost days of sleep over a matter that troubled her. Even though questions about her welfare were on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be spoken, I knew from experience that probing into her personal matters did not end well. She was like a wild animal, one that was likely to bite when you provoked it. She would fight with her words, avoid your questions or just bash you until you knew to never ask about any personal aspects of her life. That’s why whenever we asked about her house her smile would drop, feeling threatened by our questions. It was better to just leave it for herself to ponder over rather than risk being disgraced on National TV.

I told her I had left my phone in the trailer and could clearly see her breath out a sigh of relief and relax her body before she offered to help me search for it. After a few minutes of intense searching we finally found it wedged underneath the bed that was on the upper level of the trailer. While I was checking for any missed calls or messages, we could hear outside the production team call out for us to film the next section of the show.

Ji Hyo practically dashed out of the trailer, as if wanting to avoid any questions I might ask. We carried on with filming and soon the production team signalled the end of the episode. I had wanted to talk to her about something but it seemed as if she feared anyone who she thought would ask questions about what was the problem as she quickly got into her van and left the set.

The next time we were filming it seemed as if there had been nothing wrong at all, as there was no pain or anguish in her eyes and her smile was as bright as the sun.

I suspected her tears might have been because of the fact that we were treating Bo Young exceptionally well compared to her, for I had seen the hurt look in her eyes when nearly all the cast had decided to sit with her. It made me feel guilty to know that I was also partly responsible for making her cry like this. I vowed to never make her cry ever again, as she turned to look at me with a small smile playing on her lips.

I’ve always been told by those closest to me that if I wanted something so badly, then it’s worth fighting for. They have advised me time and time again that if I don’t do something quickly then the thing that I wanted most of all on this world would be lost from me forever. Tae Hyun and Jang Hyuk have actually scolded me for waiting so long in confessing my feelings to her.

But my fear of rejection has stopped me from acting upon my emotions, paranoia from the many failed relationships making it hard to open up. I do not want to add another failed relationship to my already long list, especially when I have gone past the respectable age for marriage. They don’t understand how hard it is to finally tell someone, after years of keeping it a secret that you like them possibly love them.

And my one flaw, my one weakness, has prevented me from confessing to her and releasing my emotional baggage since the moment I first saw her as a guest in Family Outing.

It was in the later hours of the morning and we were filming in Muju for a horror special episode. We had been told that a guest would be joining us but we were not given details as to who it was. So we waited for the guest to arrive, chatting among ourselves, asking each other how the rest of our week had been. Then after a few minutes of mindless chatter a car from our production team pulled over near us. As we wondered who could be inside the side door opened. As it opened I smiled thinking about all the fun we would have, about the games we would do. The first thing I saw was a small, pale dainty hand clutch the door. The next were feet in trainers, feet that looked tiny. And lastly she peeked her head out from the van before landing lightly on the ground.

Her dark brown hair had gotten in the way and so she flicked it to the side, looking as if she were filming for an advert. The effect it had on me was surprising. It seemed as if the whole world had slowed down, blurred away into the background with her as the focus and my heart beating fast in my chest. She was simply stunning, so beautiful that it made me wonder how someone like her could even exist.

She had a small oval head and high cheekbones, a soft jawline and a tiny chin. Her skin was flawless as it was pale and she had a pert nose over her cupids bow. But it was her eyes and smile that really captured my attention. Her smile was sort of infectious in its expression as I could not help but feel a smile of my own carve its shape into my face. That smile made my heart beat faster and my cheeks grow warm.

It was her eyes though that really attracted her to me. They seemed to reflect her soul as they were gleaming with this odd light of excitement and happiness. They were as big as a doe’s and made her seem so innocent and pure. Just looking into them made me want to stare into them forever, do anything to prevent seeing her tears. There was no doubt that during those first few seconds of laying eyes on her, she had captivated my attention.

During the course of the day I felt so many emotions that by the time it was bed I was emotionally tired. For example I felt pride and admiration during the face-off between Ji Hyo and Hyori, in which Ji Hyo proved that there was something deadly underneath all that innocence. It also made me admire the fact that she was a strong lady, someone who could handle me physically and mentally.

She was also quite mischievous as she played a joke on me by shouting out that she loved me, a joke that at first made my heart flutter and my whole being feel as if it was as light as a feather with the amount of glee I was feeling. But then the sensation of having cold water thrown over me took place as I realised that it was not a sort of televised confession of love but a joke that held no significant meaning. My heart grew heavy with a sort of ache with that knowledge.

Ji Hyo was very hard-working, doing her best in scaring the teams who went through all the courses. No matter if the place in which she was hiding in was too small for her, she stuck by it and did what she was supposed to do. She seemed determined to do well for the show.

She also seemed to one of those types of girls who waited for the right moment to strike back at someone. For example Daesung had been making her do almost all of the tasks while he sat back and commanded her and Hae Jin with the threat that they would not be able to guest on the show again. But after everyone else had woken up, that’s when she got her revenge by saying all the things Daesung had said behind my back. I was deeply embarrassed as I didn’t want Ji Hyo to know about my past failure when it came to sleeping ranks.

But what really engraved her into my heart was how she was so cute when dancing to 4minute’s Hot Issus and how shy she was when performing the dance three times, despite the comments she received. I thought she looked memorizing, all flowing hair and graceful movements.  

The past two days went by in a flash and it was already the end of the filming session. And I had made no progress in becoming closer to Ji Hyo. We were still casual strangers and would stay that way if I didn’t do anything about it.

As the production crew was packing up the equipment and the cast had gathered up, conversing between themselves and planning a dinner by the way Jae Suk shouted out foods he felt like eating at that very moment. Ji Hyo was not among the group so I searched around the set to see that she was talking to the PD in Charge.

Not wanting to disturb their conversation I waited for a few minutes, watching as she used hand gestures to get her point across with a serious expression on her face. The PD in Charge gave a shrug of his shoulders before attending to other matters and Ji Hyo made her way to her van that would take away from the set.

Thinking that it would be my last opportunity to get close with her before I would not see her again, an urge to talk to her overcame me and by the time I got my senses back I was running towards her and calling her name.

She spun around and I saw a flash of surprise on her face before it was covered by her blank expression. I stared at her for a few moments, out of breath from nervousness and the little run I had just done. I tried to say the words but it seemed as if there was a little stone stuck in my throat as the words would not come out.

I started to talk but I stopped myself as nervousness got the better of me. I watched as she tilted her head to the side a bit, looking like a little kid who was confused about something, a frown between her brow. I gulped. She was so god damn beautiful, looking at me like that. Why was she making this so much more difficult than it had to be? I tried again and rather hurriedly asked whether I could have her phone number. I waited anxiously as she wrote down her number on a piece of paper and with the promise to call later she was whisked away from the set as abruptly as she had entered my life.

It was rather hard at first to call her as I was afraid that I would be too nervous to talk to her. For the first few times I would call and immediately hang up. When she called back I would make up some flimsy excuse and try and make conversation with her, while beating myself over the head at some of the things I said as I thought it showed how hopeless or desperate I was.

We could not meet outside due to conflicting schedules much to my relief and regret as I do not know how I would have been able to cope going out with Ji Hyo and trying to act like the normal person I let people think I am instead of an awkward person who sometimes struggles to talk to people.

We did have a few phone calls here and there but they were ones often filled with strained conversations and uncomfortable silences. I would always be glad to end the phone call and to stop the embarrassment of my act and I could hear from the tone of her voice that she was glad too. After some time the calls became less frequent until it stopped altogether. I really didn’t have the heart to try and call her so I allowed this sort of distance to come between us.

By around the summer I was invited to be a member of a new variety show called ‘Running Man’. At first I was a bit apprehensive about joining, what with my serious back problems but after learning that Haha, Jae Suk and another good friend of mine Suk Jin would also be members I decided why not? Besides the concept of the show was really interesting and I needed something to do what with the end of Family Outing. So I agreed to join as one of the members, not knowing that this was to be my greatest decision.

It was the second filming session for Running Man and there was a sort of buzz among the cast, a restless energy despite the heat. I felt an excitement that I haven’t felt for quite some time, a part of me that was rearing to get on with whatever the PDs wanted. Just as we were about to continue with the show, the guests being Go Hara from T-ara and Chun Hee, we all saw a head pop up from the steps before we saw the rest of her.

That same heart thumping sensation and blurring the rest of the world happened to me again and I could feel my smile begin to falter, replaced by just a gape of awe. She seemed to be even more attractive with all her make-up on highlighting her features such as making her orbs seem even bigger and rounder. Or by making her lips look irresistible that I had to physically and mentally restrain myself from walking over to her and claiming her lips as my own.

I applauded her entry onto the show and couldn’t help but feel a venomous pit of jealously at how close she seemed to be with Jae Suk. It seems those two kept in contact after Family Outing ended. I don’t know what I felt but it was akin to despair and regret at having let us drift apart when I could have easily done something about it. But then again why bother when we had never been close in the first place?

I was always jealous whenever Ji Hyo seemed as if she was having the time of her life with Gary. I was always worried that there was something going on between them, even if Gary denied the very idea that he had feelings for her. Even if I knew that the two were being paired up to get views and high ratings it was hard to watch them interact that way.

My throat would tighten and make it difficult to talk let alone breathe; a fire spreading around my whole body; jealousy clutching my soul in its fiery grasp.  I would keep my eyes on those two, constantly observing as my mind would come up with a hundred scenarios where they ended up confessing their feelings or something silly. I guess I was paranoid but it was hard to not think like that when watching them, seeing them have so much fun when in each other’s company.

Whenever she was teamed up with me she seemed focused on the show, on winning the missions rather than just have a good time with me. I didn’t know whether it was to hide how uncomfortable she was when she was near me or whether it was because she genuinely wanted to win, knowing how competitive I am and how nagging I can become whenever I see things don’t go my way.

What I don’t want her to know is that my Commander and Coach characters help me concentrate on winning the missions for if I don’t force myself to work hard I would be spending the whole episode gazing at her and acting like a fool, letting the whole nation know that I have a thing for our Mong Ji Hyo. I would fumble over everything I would do, maybe drop something when seeing her smile at me or jerk with surprise whenever I felt the light caress of her touch against my flesh.

There were times when I had thought she felt the same way about me as I did her, saw when she gazed at me for too long or was exceptionally kind towards me. Sometimes whenever I was interacting with the female guest from the corner of my eye I could see her face sewn with jealously and her gaze alight with anger. Whenever she spoke to me she always seemed like a shy little girl talking to her sweet-heart, compared to how she talked to the other members with a sort of challenging tone to her voice.

But I didn’t want to get my hopes up over something that could turn out to be false, like the countless number of times this has happened to me in my past relationships. I wanted to be sure that she felt the same way, that she loved me and that she was crazy about me.

I wanted to subtly let her know of my feelings, maybe just ask for advice about a lady who looks a lot like Ji Hyo and make it seem like I’m really in love with this imaginary woman. I know that this tactic is really cliché but it works as not only would it make Ji Hyo think about the possibility of me dating but it also allows her to see if she has feelings for me by feeling jealously with the thought of loving another woman. These thoughts would drive her crazy until she has to come to the realisation that she loves me.

But my lack of confidence has halted me from making a move, from closing the bridge between us. And every second that is wasted by me causes me to lose her.

One day while I was just lazing about in my apartment, just thinking about Ji Hyo (because that’s all I could and can think about) and I came to the realisation that even if she didn’t love me back it would not erase my feelings for her.

“Yah! Jong Kook-ah are you even listening to me?!”  I was snapped out from my thoughts to see that the camera was focused had me and everyone’s gazes were on me. I felt an uncomfortable wave of embarrassment at having been caught daydreaming about the woman next to me and flushed a deep red when I saw the confused stare of Ji Hyo.

“Were you thinking of a certain someone Kook Jong-ah?” Jae Suk asked, with that smug smile of his. Some days it was quite hard not to snap back at him and today was one of those days. I had to bite my tongue to stop from firing back at him. He knew about my feelings for our Mong Ji, along with Suk Jin and Gwang Soo, and mercilessly reminded me of that fact. During the show he would tease me about Yoon Eun Hye and off screen about Ji Hyo. It was tiring, especially when I regretted my choices of the past.

Sure there was a time when I had genuinely liked Yoon Eun Hye, liked her almost as much as I do Ji Hyo, but my one mistake was to involve myself in a love-line with her. After the end of X-Men, I thought it would mean the end of being in a love-line and I had felt relief. During filming I had felt conscience of what I was doing, having to do things that would please the viewers, even if what I was doing made me feel slightly uncomfortable. But not wanting to disappoint my fans I carried on playing the love-line with her.

Yes we did date but it was short lived based on the fact that we had different interests, wanted different things in our lives and in our future partners. We were not as complementary as the whole nation thought we were, not the perfect match we allowed people to see. I was glad when I had come out of service, knowing that my relationship with Eun Hye had ended and that I was completely free of the love-line with her.

How wrong I was. Even to this day I’m still being paired up with her, despite the fact that I view her in a purely platonic way. I didn’t know it back then but being in a love-line really has many personal drawbacks. For instance people will not move on from the past, expect me to harbour feelings for her and for her alone. They will not allow me to move on and always bring up her name whenever I’m in fan meetings or having an interview. I’m sick of it, tired from being constantly paired up with her.

“Alright before we begin the mission your guest for today should be arriving on the set” said PD Hyo Jin. That got the rest of the cast in a frenzy, shouting all the girls who they wanted to appear on the show.

“Bae Suzy! Bae Suzy!” “Jessica! Jessica!” “Lee Yoo we miss you!” Soon they were yelling out every idol’s name. The only ones who didn’t join in were me and Ji Hyo. We glanced at each other, gave a hopeless look over our members fascination with girls who were half their age and just shrugged our shoulders and turned to look at the others and saw Haha and Jae Suk do their famous shoulder push, yelling out “Yah!”.

Once everyone had composed themselves, PD Hyo Jin then shouted out for the guest to enter. We all watched as from the left of us a person holding a fan to cover their face walked towards us. The person had the figure of a man yet had the graceful gait of a lady.

When the mysterious man got close to us he put down the fan and smiled at us. We all stood frozen in shock as we recognised him. It was Song Joong Ki, the baby faced boy that had quit the show in order to focus on his acting career, fresh out of service. The boy that we all had secretly missed as the show had lacked the brains or enthusiasm that Joong Ki brought to each and every episode he was in. We had all missed our little brother, especially Ji Hyo and Gwang Soo who had been particularly close to him.

When he had left the show they had fallen on each other, depending on the other for company and basically filling the void Joong Ki had left in their hearts. That is why Ji Hyo and Gwang Soo are so close that they could have easily been mistaken for siblings. Together with Joong Ki they were a trio. She had been very close with Joong Ki, as they both had been in the same film. That is why they were dubbed the ‘Song-Song Siblings’, where she looked  after him like an older sister.

After he had left it seemed as if she was confused on how to continue on with the show, knowing that her friend would not come back. She must have felt perplexed on who to talk to, for she was not as close to the rest of us as she was with Joong Ki. To her, we might have been considered as strangers.

But she crawled out of her shyness and fears to interact with either one of the cast members and soon became the daughter both Jae Suk and Suk Jin were proud of, the friend that Haha and Gary could hang out with and the sister for Gwang Soo to admire and look up to.

As for me I don’t know what she was. She blurred between the barriers of a sister, friend and potential love. Every day that I spent with Ji Hyo made me more confused on how I saw her, though I did know one thing. Whenever I was with her, I longed to touch her, to hold her tight in my arms and let the world crumble around us. I wanted to see her face before I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning. I wanted to see her clothes hanging in my wardrobe, the scent of her light perfume wafting off of them. I wanted to hear her talk about her day filming for her dramas and then spend an evening with her by watching TV cuddled together on the sofa. I wanted to do what all couples do. I wanted her to be my lover and if she wanted eventually become my wife.

 We all stood for a few moments frozen to the spot with shock before Gwang Soo ran towards him, yelling out his name.

That snapped us out of our daze as we all made our way towards him, pure joy at having one of our family members return to us. We surrounded him, patting him on the back and exclaiming at his now hardened body from all the training. The rest of the cast tried to ask him questions but only succeeded in talking over each other and Gwang Soo was left to side, crying at the return of the friend whom he considered the brother he never had.

I hung back from the rest of them, watching as Ji Hyo hovered near Joong Ki with an expression of disbelief on her face as if wondering if he was really there. Seeing her so close to him like, paying him so much attention, made my chest tighten with jealousy and a possessive feeling raise up inside of me. I wanted to drag her away and maybe punish her, though I know I could never bring myself to make a move that would view me as a bastard.

Still I literally saw red whenever a man touched her and it took my all to not go over there and yank his arm away from around her waist or arm. I wanted to beat the man senseless for touching what is rightfully mine. I wanted to yell out to the world that she was mine and mine alone, staking my claim on her. Whoever dared tried to take her away from me would feel my wrath.

Once everyone had settled down we continued on with the show, a restless excited atmosphere among the cast. We all fidgeted in our places, wide smiles on our faces. We felt an immense wave of energy, as if having Joong Ki back on the show chased away our fatigue. The PDs carried on with the show, introducing the concept behind the episode.

“Today’s episode will be a couple race. You will have to find the person who is your destined partner. During the missions you will be given a hint as to who that person is and whether you are paired up with your perfect other half and will also be given the chance to swap their partners. The teams who come in from fourth place to eighth will not be given this chance. At the last mission the couple who are the perfect match will be given an advantage above all the others. Your mission today: find my soul-mate!”

We gave a round of applause and started talking amongst ourselves. “Yah Ji Hyo-ah looks as if you will be paired up with Gary today” said Jae Suk, a grin on his face. “Oppa today is Tuesday so I don’t have to be paired up with Gary Oppa. Besides I want to be paired up with Joong Ki” Ji Hyo replied with a cheeky grin on her face and looped her arm through Joong Ki’s. Gary looked at her in fake shock and hurt and she in answer stuck her tongue out at him.

That statement wiped the smile from my face and made me stiffen as I watched Ji Hyo carefully from the corner of my eye. Even if they were friends, brother and sister, I knew once upon a time Joong Ki had feelings beyond that of a sister for Ji Hyo. If it weren’t for the fact that he had to quit the show and Ji Hyo seeing him only as a brother he would have already confessed his feelings to her.

Now I know it was silly, feeling jealous over something like this but my incapability to keep my emotions under check got the better of me and I felt my body raise a few degrees in temperature. Thankfully to take my mind off of what was happening near me the PDs started to put us into groups. Well I know one thing for sure. Me and Ji Hyo are not going to be paired up. Then hopefully Ji Hyo and Joong Ki will not be paired up.

“To divide you into teams we will be basically using the King system, where two sticks have the letter ‘K’ engraved. If two people have the stick with the letter ‘K’ then those two will form a team that they will have to be in for the rest of the day, regarded that the team are unable to win any of the missions.”

They passed around the sticks and we quickly hid them away from site, not letting anyone else look. Once everyone had gotten one, one by one we showed our sticks to the cameras. Everyone else apart from me and Ji Hyo did not get the King.

“Eeyy that is not fair” Gwang Soo exclaimed, pure horror on his face at the thought of having to compete against both Ji Hyo and me for the whole day.

“How could you put the Ace and the Commander together? They could easily wipe us out”

“I give up. All my hopes of winning this episode has gone out the windows”

“Hyung you will never win an episode even if you were as young as Gwang Soo”

“Yah Jae Suk-ah how could you say that?!”

I zoned out from their banter as I felt both a sense of happiness and dread rush through me. Happiness at the very thought of being near her, of being able to work together with her when it was a rare occasion. An exhilarating rush of joy at the very thought of being the one to make her laugh, to see her face drawn in the emotions of laughter.

But the dread overshadowed my happiness, dread at the very thought that I would have to be near her, that I would have to talk and touch her in a manner that would not give away my feelings when I was not ready to tell her. I wanted to wait for the right time, knowing that when I do finally confess it will be special and memorising. I wanted to bring tears of happiness to her eyes, see her orbs glow with a shine when she hears my words. I wanted her to be so happy that she would confess right away and jump into my arms, ready to start a life with me. But when it was the right time. Not now when I was still trying to sort myself out due to my sudden rise in popularity.

 “Look at Uri Hyung. He looks so shocked to be paired up with this man”

“Yah Haha-oppa, do you want to die?”

Haha just looked at her and laughed while Ji Hyo threw an angry look at him. Sometimes the rest of the casts’ comments towards Ji Hyo were a little hurtful like calling her a man. The cast generally saw her as a woman but not as the woman she was known for being, the y and beautiful, Mong Ji Hyo. Instead to the rest of the cast she was the little sister that everyone took care of. This is why they thought of her as anything but beautiful.

Unlike me who was always taken aback by her beauty. I always wondered how long I would continue feeling this way for her, this sense of awe whenever I looked at her, the increased beating of my heart whenever she looks at me in return. The slight buzz of electricity that runs all throughout my body when she touches me. And most importantly this need to make her mine alone, to protect her from all other men, whenever she dresses up such as for instance the 2011 SBS Entertainment Awards.

We were all lined up, smiling for the cameras and politely answering questions, waiting for all the members to arrive. Ji Hyo to say the least was being fashionably late to say that we were not the least bit annoyed that we were being held up was a bit of a lie.

I clicked my tongue in annoyance as a camera flashed in my face and I automatically changed my posture. I didn’t like being held up like this, preferred to be punctual and on time. It was all due to the upbringing I had had where I was taught that it was rude to hold up people.

So we stood there for a few moments, waiting for Ji Hyo when we hear this uproar of cheering which signalled her arrival. We straightened ourselves before she came rushing in, seeming a bit flushed at having been a few minutes late and the cheers that she received upon her appearance.

I don’t know about the others but I was completely frozen in surprise and in astonishment when my eyes lay upon her. She looked stunning in her dress that clung to her body in a way that showed the shape of her figure without being too inappropriate, which reached her knees and bared a delicate shoulder, and her hair and make-up made her look like utter perfection. I felt my jaw unhinge in shock as the world slowed and blurred out of focus. It seemed as if the woman from my dreams had appeared in front of me as she was everything I had imagined my soul-mate to be. In short she seemed to have been made for me, a piece of me that I didn’t know I would meet in my lifetime.

She smiled charmingly to the cameras and waved in a lady-like manner. She was going to stand in between me and Haha but not wanting her to stand near him I moved into the gap and made her stand in between me and Suk Jin. I got a whiff of her perfume and it smelt of something sweet and tangy like a citrus fruit. Even her scent made me want her in both a physical and emotional sense. I sorted myself in my trousers, feeling uncomfortably tight in places I wish not to say. My body felt hot, a few degrees above my normal temperature.

Ji Hyo affected me in so many ways that it was kind of exhausting to continuously feel all these emotions at the same time. It did not help that some nights I would not sleep well, haunted by thoughts about her, thinking up so many scenarios with her. I would shake my head, roll over and try and sleep but to no avail. My mind would not give into the sweet unconsciousness of sleep.

Overall this woman was going to be the death of me, if I continued to lose sleep and have mini heart attacks whenever she looked at me.

The whole evening I could not help but keep looking at her, my eyes drawn towards her and no matter how hard I tried to look away it was as if some force was preventing me from doing so. It was fascinating to watch her, to see her jitter about like a little bird as she mingled around. To hear her laughter, ringing loud and clear over the chatter of celebrities, whenever someone said something particularly witty. To see her smile a dazzling smile whenever the press took her picture or when she was complimented for the way she looked.

She seemed to be more beautiful than even the most precious gem, her resemblance towards that of a pearl, a simplistic beauty that grew on you the longer you looked. I made sure that no one was making her uncomfortable, constantly watching for any signs of unease. But there was no need to worry. She handled any comments with a calm demur that refuted the statements towards her.

Whenever I saw her shuffling in her feet I made it my duty to rescue her, interrupting her conversations with a flimsy excuse before dashing her away, leaving behind their confused expressions. We when we had put a good distance away she said a hushed ‘thank you’ looking slightly flustered by the sudden attention of the opposite , of the guys who hadn’t  given her a second glance before her fame.

Fame was a funny thing. It was both a blessing and a curse. By those who didn’t have fame they considered it a blessing as fame gave you privileges that helped you live a life of luxury, of feeling satisfied with your accomplishments and the fact that everyone recognises you because of that.

To those who have fame it is considered a curse as there are certain limitations of things that you can do. For instance you would not be able to enjoy a day out by yourselves or with your family if a camera was trained on you, taking photos of you and making you feel burdened by the way you have to look; of what food your holding in your hand; if your hair looks fine; if there is food in your teeth. Stuff like this is always on the mind of the celebrity, of making sure they live up to the society’s expectations. 

This in turn represses the people who are viewed as having the ‘perfect life’ of living the dream. What people don’t understand is that the entertainers would give anything to just be normal again, to feel the s of society slip away.

With these thoughts we headed to the next location, a mall that was surely to be crowded with fans who wanted to see the members up close. I reminded myself that I needed to act appropriately so to not create a scandal that would most likely ruin Ji Hyo’s acting career before it even got off of its feet. Knowing how much she loved acting it would be cruel if that aspect of herself was harshly taken away from her. She would be depressed and empty and struggle to survive past this ordeal.

I could not live with myself if I was the cause of her desolate smile or the dead look in her eyes, the light having been smothered out. I would rather not have to feel the guilt of knowing that I had ruined her life than trying to deal with it. No one should ever try to shoulder that burden, no matter how strong they are emotionally and mentally.

A concerned hand placed itself on my forehead and I jumped from both the surprise contact and from the electricity and heat that was emitted throughout my body. I turned to see worried brown eyes and a frown. Ji Hyo was sitting to my left and besides me was Joong Ki. I looked around to see that everyone was looking at me with concerned faces.

“Jong Kook-ah are you feeling ok?” Jae Suk asked tentatively as if talking to an animal that could strike at any given moment. With a quiet “I’m fine” they resumed their conversations though I did see them exchange glances.

“So Joong Ki-ah who did you miss the most while you were away?” asked Suk Jin to Joong Ki who was sitting on my right. Joong Ki without any hesitation answered “Ji Hyo noona” while looking at Ji Hyo. Hoots of surprise and of tease sounded in the coach while Ji Hyo looked back at him in shock.

I felt my heart sink a little at the very thought that I had another competitor for Ji Hyo’s heart in the form of my beloved dongsaeng’s. I didn’t want to be so cruel to Joong Ki, to take away the one person he liked. I knew of the times he had tried to give his heart to someone, wore it on the sleeve of his T-Shirt. Only to have it stomped cruelly in front of him.

I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain or suffering, would rather have that pain directed to me than anyone else. Ji Hyo must have seen how quiet I was being as she placed a hand on my arm. I looked up to see her gazing intently into my eyes, as if trying to read what was on my mind. I turned to see that Joong Ki was engaged in a conversation with Gwang Soo, catching up on each other’s adventures.

I looked back at her to see that she was looking out of the window, watching as the scenery whizzed by. It gave me time to study her closely, feeling my eyes being drawn towards her. She seemed to have a calm and peaceful expression on her face, as if looking at the countryside made her feel better. A soft glow was within her eyes and a faint smile on her lips. She looked breath-taking with that expression on her face and I had to remind myself to breathe. Seeing her like that, so stunning with her no make-up face and summer dress made it hard for me to not make it seem as if I was affected by her.

Being this close to her was enough to get my heart beating at a hundred beats per minute, my palms to sweat from nervousness and my stomach to squirm in edginess. I pondered how on earth could I hide the fact that I had fallen head over heels in love with “The Ace”?

A few minutes of chatter and we finally reached the mall and outside there was a huge crowd of citizens who had come to see us as we did the missions. We disembarked from the coach and lined up next to our partners, waiting to hear what the first mission was.

Once Pd Hyo Jin had gotten our attention he yelled out the instructions over the cheering of the crowd. “You see the mall behind you? You, in your pairs, have to piggyback your partner while looking for three couple items. The items you pick have to be within the top five otherwise you fail the mission. The first couple who reaches back here gets an advantage for the next mission and will also be given the chance to swap their partners as well as a clue to their true soul-mate. If the foot of your partner touches the floor you have to go back to the beginning and start again”

We all prepared to start the mission and yet I could not believe my luck. Ji Hyo was the lightest out of all the members, than even some of the guests who had featured onto the show such as Kim Suk or Sae Yoon. Just thinking about their heavy bodies on my back while having to run made it pulse in a resonating ache at the very thought of my past struggles.

I knew that I could easily win and have minimum damage done to my back. A sense of ease filled me at the knowledge at I could very easily win the mission. But also a sense of nervousness stirred within me as my stomach churned in that nauseous way when you feel anxious about something.

I didn’t know how I could run, let alone stand, with Ji Hyo on my back. She would be impossibly close to me, closer than she has ever been. And the very thought made my skin tingle, parts of my body growing sort of numb at the sensation that ran throughout my body. I jumped up and down from the spot, trying to shake off the feeling so that I could concentrate on the mission. I wanted to win this for her, for us, and maybe also catch her attention towards the man who has been yearning for her for years.

I proceeded to do some stretches, bending down to place my hands on my knees. Then two small, soft hands were on my back pushing me up and down. I didn’t have to look up to see that it was Ji Hyo. I could tell from the size of her hands and the heat that radiated from them, spreading through the palm of her hand to my heart and ensnaring it in a fiery grasp that caused it to speed up its regular rhythm. I bit the inside of my cheek to supress a groan at the feel of her hands on me.

That sprang to mind other places where she could touch me and I felt slightly embarrassed by where my thoughts had taken me. Her mere touch undid me in a way that was most unsettling, especially when I was someone who liked to be in control of things.

I straightened up and prepared to carry her on my back, bending down so that all she had to do was just jump onto my back. She placed her hand on my shoulder and then lightly hoisted herself up. Once she was comfortable she wrapped her arms around my neck.

I didn’t know how exhilarating it would be to have her soft front against my hard back. Her softness made her seem even more fragile and womanly, something I was aware of all the time since coming to know of my feelings for her. Delicious warmth swept through her front into my back which made my stomach stir and my knees grow a little weak at the softness of her flesh.

I shook my head to force out the feeling of need for her body. It would do me no good, pinning after her like this, and I did not want to disappoint her. Around us the groans of being under the weight of something heavy sounded which brought a smile to my face.

We all lined up, our partners on our backs and when the PD blew the whistle we raced down the path. Jae Suk was with Haha and he seemed to be struggling to carry his little brother, his teeth gritted behind his smile and his legs wobbling under Haha’s weight. Gwang Soo was trying his best to keep Suk Jin on his back but the Big-Nosed Hyung kept slipping off, almost strangling him in the process. Gary seemed to have no problem carrying Joong Ki, though he did seem a bit conscious of piggy-backing a guy who looked better than he did.

Curses were yelled out around us, which brought laughter to the crew and crowd watching as it did to me and Ji Hyo. I could feel her body quake with her laughter and could hear it over the cheers; her laughter in that deep, velvety way that made me want to listen to it for hours and engrave it to my memory.

“Hyung pali, pali!” shouted Haha, in that annoying childish voice of his. Jae Suk bit his lip to refrain from maybe hitting Haha and just responded by saying “When you lose some weight maybe then I will go faster”. Haha’s answer was an exclamation of anger “Aissh”.

“Wanko Hyung what are you doing?! Hold onto me properly! Hyung you’re starting to strangle me!” which caused Suk Jin to try and shuffle up Gwang Soo’s back. But it was difficult to do that when Gwang Soo’s back was long and with him running at a fast pace. Plus the fact that Suk Jin was the weakest member on our show this resulted in Suk Jin losing his grip on Gwang Soo’s shoulders and toppling to the ground on his back with Gwang Soo standing over him, a look of pure disbelief on his face. The PD then told them to start again which resulted in a little brawl between Suk Jin and Gwang Soo.

In my head Suk Jin’s theme tune played, mixed in with Gwang Soo’s own theme song. I then turned my attention towards Gary and Joong Ki, hearing Gary yell out for the people to stop taking photos of him and Joong Ki. He seemed to be slightly embarrassed by his ‘average’ looks compared to Joong Ki’s flower boy face. He ducked his head and tried to hide behind things, making him look like a clumsy spy.

But I could not afford to focus on what the other teams were doing. Turning my head away, I picked up my pace, Ji Hyo’s squeals of joy ringing in my ears. That was another thing that attracted me to her, her seemingly fearless nature. She dared do things that nobody with a sane mind would do. We all admired her for her bravery, something that was needed on a show like Running Man which delighted in ripping screams from our throats.

We made it into the mall, the sheer size of it almost making my eyes pop open wide and my mouth gape a little. It was massive inside! How in the hell were we supposed to find three couple items that ranged within the top five in a mall this size? I stopped for a moment, looking around to see where we should start.

Seeming that the ground floor mainly consisted of restaurants and café’s we made our way to the elevator, Ji Hyo urging me to go faster. As I raced by the citizens I could hear their cooing.

“Kookie look here”

“Look at Song Ji Hyo-ssi. So pretty”

“He’s so handsome in real life, any girl would want him. Eun Hye would be lucky to have him as a husband”

I had to shake my mind at that last comment. I didn’t understand how people could still ship me and Eun Hye, hope that we would miraculously resume our relationship when they knew deep down that our relationship had been doomed from the start. But it was no use pondering over it so I made my way.

The other members were lagging a little so we had a clear lead. But you didn’t know when that lead could be taken. Better to be careful than arrogant.

As we entered the elevator, clustered tightly into the tiny space, I started to feel a little ache develop in the lower region of my back. It wasn’t bearable so I didn’t pay it too much attention. But what I did mind was the fact that Ji Hyo was clinging tightly onto me, trying to make some room for the personal VJs.

Her soft front was crushed against my hard back, the feel of her flesh against mine causing me to nearly go mad with need. I had resist the strong urge to touch her, cameras filming be damned. When I breathed in I could smell her, her unique scent of sweet and tangy citrus fruits that made me addicted upon the first whiff. Her scent was engraved into my mind and heart. She was my drug and there was no hope for me.

Then she placed her chin on my shoulder, near my ear. Her breath tickled my ear and stirred my desire to kiss. It wouldn’t be impossible for her lips were close enough that all I had to do was turn my head to the side and kiss her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that, not ready to let her know about this heart that beats only for her. So I stood rather stiffly, breathing in short breaths to avoid smelling her scent, my hands balled into fists to stop myself from touching her in an inappropriate manner.

The ding of the elevator rescued me from doing anything (not that I had the courage to do so) and I rushed out into the sea of people buying consumer goods. I weaved in and out, mumbling apologies as I bumped into some people.

Ji Hyo pointed to shop that looked promising, tapping my shoulder to gain my attention. I made my way over to the shop, feeling as if I was saving a princess from villains and seeking refuge in a village. Relief swept throughout me when I entered the shop, finally away from the sea of people.

The store seemed to specialise in clothes from the top brands, the clothes oozing of high prices. We wondered around the store, looking for items that might make it into our top five couple items until our eyes laid sight on a pair of T-shirts that seemed to be couple tees.

They were white with black writing that said “addicted to her” and “addicted to him” with the picture of a couple smiling happily together on each T-shirt. It was also for a reasonable price, about 25950 won for the pair of them.

Ji Hyo grabbed both of them and I rushed to the cashier. We made an effective team. She was the brains and I was the brawn and speed. Soon we had three items; the couple T-shirts we had bought earlier, a pair of rings that Ji Hyo had fallen in love with upon setting eyes on them and lastly a photo of us together doing a silly pose in a photo booth.

When the picture had come out, I was struck by how much of a couple we looked like. The picture showed how comfortable we were with each other (at least that’s how I tried to appear), no signs of unease in our smiles or eyes.

We made a mad dash to the exit dodging people who were walking in our path and just desperate to make it out first and to finish the mission. By the now the dull ache was turning into a throbbing ache that seemed to sap my strength the longer I piggybacked her. It was not that she was heavy, more like my back was in terrible condition from the crazy exercise routine from yesterday in my attempts to remain fit and to forget about the woman I was carrying on my back.

I didn’t have a clue as to where the other members were but I hoped that we were the first ones there. We got the elevator again and I subtly moved Ji Hyo higher up my back to make sure that her weight was not on the spot that ached.

After a few moments the ding of the elevator signalled that we had reached the ground floor and I dashed out of there, summoning my remaining energy for the final spurt towards the exit. Over my characteristic roar I could hear Ji Hyo encourage me by saying “come on oppa we are not that far now. Pali oppa, pali. Come on we are so close to winning”. I will win this for us, for you Ji Hyo with that thought I sprinted towards the Running Man banner where the production crew were waiting, their looks of shock almost making me laugh.   

We reached the banner and when I heard the words “mission completed” I collapsed to the ground, panting heavily like a dog. The ache had turned itself into a pain so bad that I thought I would lose consciousness from it.

Above me Ji Hyo’s face was drawn tight with worry, constantly asking whether I was alright and if I needed anything. My throat was too dry to answer her questions; my brain unable to form sentences due to the pain and my tongue having grown slack inside my mouth. Soon paramedics arrived on the scene and changed my back plaster and massaged my back. Slowly the pain ebbed away until it disappeared altogether.

I sat up to see that the other members were gathered around me, worried expressions on their faces. A hand was placed in front of me, small and slender. I clasped her hand and she hoisted me up, showing her caring and helpful nature.

After I assured everyone that I was fine, we continued on with the filming though the whole crew kept a watchful eye on me. Me and Ji Hyo were the first ones back which meant we had won the mysterious advantage for the last mission. Groans were heard from among the members, looks of hopelessness on their faces. We were given an envelope and were ordered to not look at it until the final mission.

The remaining envelopes were then distributed among the other members and unsurprisingly the Easy Brothers were the ones who came in last. After a few comments about their ineffectiveness as a team we left the cheering crowds and made our way to the coach.

I sat at the window and waved to the cheering citizens as the coach drove away, mindful that everyone’s gazes were on me. With a comment that I was tired (which wasn’t a lie because I felt exhausted) I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes, trying to dodge their questions.

It seemed to have worked because before I fell into a blissful abyss I could hear them talk about what they had bought at the mall.

I must have been asleep for about thirty minutes because when I awoke we were still on our way to the next location. I tried to sit up but a foreign weight on my shoulder prevented me from doing so. I looked over and felt my eyes bulge in shock as Ji Hyo’s head was resting on my shoulder, breathing heavily, her lips slightly parted.

She looked so innocent and pure, sleeping with her defences down and I felt my heart tug in longing as I watched her sleep. Seeing her like this made it really difficult for me to stick to my vow of just silently loving her.

She nestled her head on my shoulder bringing her closer to my lips and I felt my heart pound in my chest. She was so achingly close and here was a chance to fulfil one of my deepest desires. I glanced around to see that everyone else was practically passed out, louds snores erupting from their mouths.

I took a deep breath, my blood pounding in my ears, and leaned closer until only a millilitre or so was between our lips. I stopped to make sure she hadn’t woken up before planting my lips on hers. Even though the kiss was brief it affected me so much. Electricity had sizzled my nerves, making me sensitive to everything. It felt as if my soul recognised hers, recognised my soul-mate. Her lips had been soft and firm underneath mine, stirring my heart and body. I had wanted to kiss her for longer but refrained myself from doing so.

It was wrong of me to have taken advantage of her like that. I realised that now as shame swept through me. But I could not find it within myself to regret what I had done. At least one thing I had been beating over in my head had been done. The only problem was the fact that my feelings had changed. It made my love for her increase in intensity and it pained me at the very thought of separating away from her.

The coach rode on as I thought about my personal dilemma, my demise seeming imminent.

We arrived at the next location and as Ji Hyo stirred from her sleep I tried to seem normal, seem unaffected by our brief kiss. I watched as she stretched and scratched her head before looking outside the window to see where we were. Instinctively I flinched but thankfully she didn’t notice, just too preoccupied with looking outside the window. I told myself to snap out of it otherwise she would notice something strange. Even though she was blank most of the time doesn’t mean that she didn’t see things. I suspected she took note of things that happened, filed it away in her mind to ponder over at a later date.

The coach was parked outside of what looked like a school and as soon as we had disembarked we were told to change into the school uniform. We all begrudgingly went to the changing rooms too tired to even talk.

After a few minutes we all felt human again with our teeth’s brushed, our hairs combed and our faces washed we continued on with the filming. The PDs then explained the next mission.

“For this mission you will be doing the Peppero Kiss challenge where two opposing teams will be participating. The one with the shortest peppero stick will win the mission”

“Ey I’m not doing the peppero kiss with Suk Jin Hyung”

“Yah Gwang Soo-ah how are we going to win the episode if we don’t complete the missions?”

“Suk Jin Hyung what makes you think you’ll win the episode today? You’ll probably end up being the first one eliminated from the race!”

“Race Start!” (everyone said this while Suk Jin fumed silently)

When I had heard what the mission was I could not help but stiffen in shock at the very thought of Ji Hyo’s face close to mine, her big eyes looking into mine, watching as she got closer to me. I blushed a deep red and was surprised when no one seemed to notice. The others were commenting on something Gary had said.

“Ji Hyo-ah I’m sorry to say this but I’ve given my heart to Joong Ki. We are the new Monday couple. I have been captured by his charms. Come Joong Ki-ah let’s do the peppero kiss and show the world our love”

“Yah Gary-ah I cannot believe you could switch so easily from one Song Sibling to the next”

“Ey Hyung aren’t you being a little too harsh on Ji Hyo noona?”

“I’ve already logged off from her for this season”

“Gary Hyung I’m sorry to say this but I don’t see you in that way. I’m going to have to reject you”

“Yaish!”

Ji Hyo was laughing her head off, her lips turning blue at the lack of air and her breath coming out in little coughs. Automatically I started patting her on the back to help her breathe. I realised that I could not stop myself from these sorts of interactions with her that I naturally acted like that around her.

I was doomed and there was no hope of salvation for me. I did not know what would happen to me if Ji Hyo started dating. And if she eventually got married.

We prepared for the mission, chattering excitedly at the thought of all the funny moments that would be filmed. Unfortunately me and Ji Hyo were the first ones to attempt the challenge, after having been ruthlessly nominated by the other members.

I picked the longest stick possible as I did not want our lips to touch and be broadcasted on National TV. I mentally winced at the thought of the outrage our image together like that would cause. Ji Hyo would be harassed by citizens, especially those who shipped Ji Hyo with Gary. Her career would go up in flames in front of her very eyes. I would not be affected as much as Ji Hyo would for in a society where men were dominate the men in the relationship were not as heavily judged as the women.

I could not do that to her, could not bring in all this hate for the sake of my love for her. She already had enough hate from people who either disliked the fact that she was not making their dreams come true by dating Gary or blamed her for the show’s seemingly low ratings (which I found very ridiculous). No matter what she did she received all of this hate that followed and watched her like a hawk. But she never lost that smile of hers.

She also did not let the flames of citizens affect her performance on the show. Ji Hyo always made sure to do her best which resulted in her winning most of the episodes single handily. I guess she did this to prove to the public that all the hateful comments and rumours that were being spread about her were not true.

As I prepared myself I happened to gaze into two round brown orbs, filled with a sort of excited light within their depths. What could that possibly mean? Did it mean she was excited to do the peppero kiss mission with me? Did she enjoy torturing me in this way, taking pleasure in watching me squirm from unease and the heavy knowledge that I should be careful when I interact with her? Did she know how painful it was to have her so close and yet so far out of reach, to know that I had to act proper around her without stepping out of line?

It was a burden on me to have to constantly remind myself that I had to touch her in a certain manner, had to talk to her in a certain manner. That I shouldn’t stare at her for too long, control the fiery jealously within me whenever I saw the male guest handle her in an inappropriate manner.

With the peppero stick in between us; the camera rolling to capture this scene; my heart pounding in my chest and everyone’s curious gazes on us. Ji Hyo started biting in a sort of aggressive manner, whereas I was more cautious. Soon the stick was short enough that our noses seemed to be touching so I tilted my head a little in order for it to be easier to continue biting. Ji Hyo also tilted her head and carried on biting the stick.

Her lips were so close that I could feel their butterfly light touch caress my lips, ghosting across the surface and concealing the pleasure that would be felt when I kissed her. Not that I would do that.

While I was thinking that I unconsciously continued eating the peppero stick not noticing the fact that Ji Hyo’s lips were getting ever closer.

A firm pair of lips touched mine and I recognised the pair of lips mainly because of the fact that during our brief kiss on the coach the feel of her lips had been engraved into the chamber of my heart that was dedicated solely to her.

The kiss was more electrifying than the first one, thrilling my soul into a buzzing mass of nerves and melting me with the fire that spread within my body. The kiss affected me on a more emotional level, a sense of this being right rushing through me. I suddenly wished we had done this sooner. Damn all the people watching. They were not important and frankly I didn’t really care what they had to say or what they thought. What was important was the fact that I was connected to her in a way that they would never understand.

My lips were melded to hers, wanting to keep the connection between us. She gasped, opening for my tongue to slip into the peppero stick forgotten and eaten between us. The cavern of was soft and the taste of coffee and chocolate hit my taste buds and I instantly grew addicted, even though I had vowed years ago to never drink coffee or eat chocolate. This was how crazy I was for her, that I would do all sorts of things for her. My tongue hers, a duet in a sensual dance.

Her hands that had been on her side, slowly made their way up my back to my head where she ran her fingers through my hair. It sent shivers down my spine and it caused me to kiss her again with returned fervour.

Someone cleared their throat and that broke the seemingly magical moment between me and Ji Hyo. We abruptly broke apart and turned to look at our audience. It was almost hilarious how everyone had the exact same expression on their faces, all of them with bulging eyes and hanging jaws. It was so funny that a bubbling laugh erupted from my chest and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing. Because there was nothing funny about being caught kissing your co-worker when you’re at work.

“Ji Hyo-ssi what is the meaning of this?” said the Head Writer, confusion clearly on her face. I glanced at Ji Hyo to see that she had her blank mask on to hide her emotions. But in her wide eyes there was as if someone had lit a fire in their depths and had cleaned a window, clearing the surface to properly see through. Through her eyes I could look into her soul; a raw glow of attraction towards me and a sort of need or longing to kiss me again. But that was covered up by a blanket of mortification, of humiliation at having been kissing in front of staff and most importantly by a co-worker that everyone paired her with.

She turned to look at me and seeing that I was looking at her a flash of anger swept through her eyes and I thought I saw her grit her teeth. It was too fast for me to see, could only feel the stinging blow of a slap on my right cheek, the sound resonating in my ears. My head swung to the right, my hair falling into my eyes. I looked through the strands to see that Ji Hyo was gazing at me with a furious expression on her face, her hands balled into fists, resentment and humiliation in her orbs. Tears started to develop in her eyes, threatening to overflow, tears of anger and sadness.

I brought my hand to touch her, to comfort her but she shrank away from my hand. It stayed there hovering in the space between us, the space that signalled the end of our platonic friendship. With a sob that made my heart lurch in sadness for her, she rushed out of the room without a backwards glance at any of us.

I was about to say something but the words would not voice themselves, would not flow out from my lips. I drew back my hand and looked down to the floor, shame filling my whole body. I could not believe I had done that much least in front of my fellow cast members. Especially in front of Gary who had come to me, asking me about what I would do if I was in a love-line with Ji Hyo. He took being in a love-line with her seriously and I thought it was down to the fact that he had a crush on Ji Hyo. I didn’t have it in me to try and snatch her away from my dongsaeng but this was not what I had in mind. I wasn’t sure how I would face him, knowing that our friendship was in tatters, the trust between us broken and never the same again.  

Also this was not how I imagined letting Ji Hyo know of my feelings for her. I wanted her to gradually know about it, to get used to the thought that I love her. I didn’t want to have to burden her with the sudden knowledge that I have been secretly admiring her for these past few years. I had wanted her to have time to think about her own feelings towards me. Not have her make a hasty decision which she might regret in the future. And then leave us both broken-hearted with a relationship that can never be mended.

Another feeling started to blossom within me. A sense that I didn’t want things to end this way with her rushed through me. I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I did not want to lose a valuable friend, even if it meant that she would never see me as anything other than an older brother. It was better to be friends with her instead of not having her in my life at all. I would not run away from the problem and I would not be a coward. Instead I would face it head on and be my character ‘The Commander’. With a determination to make things right I dashed out of the room after Ji Hyo, not minding the questions that were being asked behind me.

I looked down the corridor, trying to figure out which way she went. Knowing how she worked, I guessed Ji Hyo would have wanted some open space. I asked the staff who hadn’t been in the room where the roof was and ran past empty classrooms. I climbed up the stairs, feeling a slight burn in my calves and sweat making my shirt stick to my body.

I burst through the doors, my eyes scanning the roof to see if whether my predication had been right. I squinted my eyes from the sun and could just make out her figure leaning against the banister. Hesitantly I made my way towards her, cautiously watching in case she would take a swing at me, as if she was a wild animal that would have no qualms in harming me.

When I was behind her I inhaled deeply to calm my pounding heart. Nervousness was making it go crazy for I had never done this, never had to really express my feelings to a woman. I had not confessed like this, had not felt this intense need to tell someone what I really felt before it was too late. With her it was as if she was my first love, the nervousness I was feeling taking me back years ago when I was younger. But unlike back in those days I knew that if I didn’t do anything I would never be able to move past it.

For Ji Hyo was definitely the one for me. Even though it took me a while to realise it she did mean everything to me. She was my soulmate, my other half. I did not know what I would do if I lost her, in both a romantic and platonic way, was not sure if I was able to handle that.

As if sensing that I was standing behind her, Ji Hyo slowly turned around. Her body was tensed and there was a wary expression within her eyes as she blankly looked at me. She seemed closed off from me, already putting a distance between us. It was up to me whether it would stay that way.

“What is it Jong Kook oppa?” she said emotionlessly, her voice devoid of emotion.

“I just came to see if you were alright”

“As you can see I’m fine. You should go back to the others and explain what happened. I’ll follow you shortly” she said in a curt manner and turned back to the railing of the roof.

Frustration was growing inside of me. This was not going to be easy, getting her to hear what I had to say. She was commonly known outside of the show as being a hot-headed and stubborn woman whose ears were closed to other people’s opinions when she had made up her mind. It took a huge amount of energy to hear anyone out.

But I was not going to let this go without a fight. I grabbed her arms and twisted her around to face me. At first her eyes had widened with shock before being ignited with fire. I braced myself for her struggling and was utterly surprised when she calmly asked “what are you doing?” with a hint of steel to her voice.

This kind of Ji Hyo was more chilling, unpredictable and difficult to read. I could not read the emotions in her eyes or her face. Just like a calm demure that hid away her emotions like a cloud hiding away the storm that would surely be coming.

“I want you to listen to what I have to say”. I was not going to let this slip just because she had decided to not listen to me. “It was a mistake oppa. A mistake that should never have happened. Now let me go”

When I made no move in freeing her from my grasp she said in a voice made of stone and through gritted teeth “Let. Me. Go”

With my hands still trapping her and with clenched jaws, she started to struggle. She thrashed from the right to the left, even trying to reach my hair and yank it from my skull. When she couldn’t get her hands on my hair she resorted to punching and pinching my biceps, the pain of her nails making me yelp.

My frustration at her refusal to listen to me grew until I thought I would explode. I shook her furiously and roared at her, the dominate beast in me satisfied to see her stiffen and her eyes wide in fear, any hints of anger long gone.

“Now listen to what I have to say” I said as softly as I could, now that I had her attention. I took a deep breath, not quite believing that I was finally able to tell her how I really felt about her. I didn’t know how she would react but I had at some point come to the conclusion that no matter the outcome of my confession I would continue to love her. If she rejected me then that was it for she was the only one for me. I loved her with all my heart and soul and I could not marry another, could not keep pining after something I could not have. I could not hurt someone; cause any suffering to a woman if I held on to my unrequited love. I would rather remain single until I died than cause anyone that type of suffering.  

My brain scrambled to think of the right words, nervousness causing it into a panicked and desperate search for coherent sentences. Then when nothing good could be thought of my mouth just blurted the truth bluntly.

“I like you, maybe even love you. I have liked you since Family Outing. But our time together on Running Man has caused me to fall in love with you”

At first she looked at me in disbelief before her shock was replaced with that calm expression with a certain fiery glint in her eyes. “I never thought you would pull out a joke like that but I guess I thought wrong about you. I thought you were better than that. Do you think I actually believe you oppa?”

I tried to show that it was true, tried to show what I had hidden from her for all these years. But she seemed closed off from me, refusing to even look at me by gazing at the side. Having no other choice I drew her into my arms; hand around her waist and on her back to keep her in place, her head against my chest in order to hear my beating heart. The organ that not only seemed to beat for me but for her as well would continue to beat for her until its last beat. For she has taken control over it like a storm would over the land it terrorizes.

She shook her head, as if to refuse the very fact that my heart had went into a frenzy by the fact that she was so close. We seemed to fit like two jigsaw pieces, as we stood there listening to my pounding heart, our souls becoming one.

“To be honest I have loved you for a long time now. I just haven’t had the courage to confess to you. I was always so worried about not having my feelings returned for I was not sure of whether you felt the same way for me. To you I might just be a reliable oppa but to me you are my everything. You are my motivation to do well for my career. You’re my happiness, always bringing a smile to my face. You’re my partner, always making up for my weaknesses and on a whole making me a stronger person. You’re my friend, the one who can make me laugh and who I can be myself with”

“When I first started to notice my feelings for you I tried to fight it. I was not sure as to how to interact around you without revealing my feelings to you when I was not ready to confess to you. I tried to avoid you but it was as if my heart was being stabbed by a knife and my soul acquiring a hunger for you. Then when that didn’t work, when I couldn’t lessen the intensity of my feelings for you I caved in. My resolve had been weak from the beginning and had crumbled from the madness of being away from you”

“I tried to subtly tell you of my feelings by only looking at you, calling you beautiful and pretty. Holding hands with you and back hugging you. But I did this all without the knowledge of what you truly felt for me. I thought you might have liked Gary, could see that you seemed relatively close with him. I could not bear the sight of you two together like that, would want to wrench you away from his side and stake my claim on you, so overcome with jealousy that it was difficult to concentrate on the show. You seemed to have no problems playing out the Monday Couple love-line with him. And he had once come up to me, asking for advice on how to perform a love-line properly. I had thought at the time he really liked you and did not want to mess up otherwise the show would be affected.”

“I realised I could not take you away from him. What would that make me, a man so selfish that I took away my dongsaeng’s happiness? This is one of the reasons why I do not expect my feelings to be returned. You know what just forget this ever happened…”

My next words were broken off by a pair of lips passionately kissing me. My eyes widened as big as they could to see that Ji Hyo was caressing my lips with hers. This was just as intense as the one that we had just shared in front of everyone, that same hazy happiness that made my head reel with joy, my heart pound with love for her and my blood stir with excitement. But it also felt a little different, as if she was pouring her own feelings into the kiss making it that much sweeter and heavenly. The kiss told me of how she really felt for me, that she also loved me just as much as I did.

We broke apart for our lungs needed air and stood there, panting and looking deeply into each other’s eyes, my lips buzzing from the contact and my body feeling as if it were floating on a cloud.

“Oppa you know you talk too much” Ji Hyo said to me, a small smile playing on her lips. All I could do was stare at her in shock, my brain unable to process the fact that she had kissed me.

She giggled after observing my shocked expression before saying with a gentle smile on her face “I love you too Jong Kook Oppa”. She said the words I never thought I would hear her say to me. Pure happiness and love for her exploded within my chest and I was unable to say anything as my throat had constricted itself. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would burst out of my chest, too overcome by bliss.

“I have loved you for a long time as well oppa. I just did not want to confess because I thought you were still pining after Yoon Eun Hye. No one can deny the fact that you two were perfect for each other and you really looked as if you loved her so much. I did not want to burden you with the knowledge that I also love you, could not confuse you like that. So that’s why I never said anything even though it meant that I was hurting inside. Even if there was a part of me that hoped you were over her I did not want to take any chances. I did not want to ruin the friendship that we have between us even if it meant at the expense of my heart.”

“The relationship between me and Gary is nothing more than friendship. I know he had a crush on me but soon died out after the love-line was introduced to the show. He had been pressurised by the audience to show that he liked me that somewhere down the line his interactions with me were fake. He then told me that he saw me as nothing more than a friend and then apologized for shackling me in a love-line that I did not want to participate in anymore. But for the sake of the show I continued on with it.”

She looked down at her feet, as if suddenly guilty. “I did not know that I was driving you away by playing a fake couple with Gary.” Her gaze was back on my face, the love in her eyes intense “Let me reconfirm this: I do not see Gary as anything more than a friend.”

“Well I’m not pining after Yoon Eun Hye. I never really loved her as much as you. It was more like a crush that convinced people that I was in love with her. Even I believed it for some time. But I soon realised that I wanted different things from my partner, things she could not offer me nor did she have. And the same was it for her. So we broke it off and I thought it would all be forgotten, not knowing people would still ship us together after ten years.”

“I hated how everyone kept on pairing us, not allowing me to move on and date freely, always expecting me to play out the part of a man who longs for his loved one when the one I was longing for was not her was someone else who was in front of me the whole time.”

I took her head in my hands, caressing her left cheek with my fingers, looking at her as if she was a precious pearl that was beyond any price.

“I love you Ji Hyo, only you. If members of the public are unable to accept that than to hell with them for I do not care about their opinions. What only matters is the fact that we love each other. The only thing is that I’m worried about the possibility of a scandal ruining your career, especially when it’s only just begun. This is why I suggest we keep our relationship a secret from the public until we are ready to expose it. How does that sound Ji Hyo? Are you ready to be in a relationship with a guy like me?” I said with a hint of fear in my voice, staring at her earnestly.

Her smirk widened into a smile before nodding enthusiastically, her eyes looking as if they were glimmering with tears of glee and adoration. I kissed her again, knowing I would never get enough of her lips for they had become my drug, the very thing that kept me alive.

After what felt like a thousand years later a member of staff came onto the roof and after having caught us interlocked in a passionate kiss awkwardly announced that they were going to continue with filming. As I entered the room with Ji Hyo’s small hand in my big ones a chorus of questions were directed at us and I threw a knowing smile in her direction.

At the end of filming I offered to take Ji Hyo home which she gladly accepted. I drove down the practically empty road to Ilsan, occasionally glancing at her to see that she was asleep with her head leaning against the window. I looked in the side-view mirror to see that there was a smile on my face, a smile that showed how cheerful I was at having my feelings returned. I felt content and warm inside, giddy over the fact that she loved me.

Mixed in with our victory as ‘True Soul-Mate Couple’ where we won a pair of couple rings I was over the moon. It seemed as if Lady Luck had been smiling down on me.

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Finally done with this fanfic! You would not believe the amount of rewrites and lazy days this fanfic took but here we are finished. Sorry it took me a while and sorry if things are a bit muddled. I’ll probably correct it later. Thanks to those who have subscribed and commented. You guys are the best! J