Jongin's dying off, slowly and silently.

There's a cure for his illness, he's been told. But he doesn't want to be cured.

Because he succumbs to the darkness he knows as life, and relishes in the pain he feels.

~~~

Sticks and stones may break his bones; words will always stab at his heart.

The words he hates hearing the most are the ones of concern, usually laced with a sort of underlying message. A message that never fails to remind him of how burdensome he is.

Maybe he's reading too much into things, maybe people really mean him well. But that's just the way it is for him; he can never and will never try to hear the sympathy and compassion that comes with statements like "everyone worries for you"

The underlying message that follows, flashes in big black letterings in his head,

"You're worrying everyone. You're a burden to them."

 Because no one at all, should ever have to worry for a nobody that he is.

Sympathy? He doesn't want it. Compassion? He's not buying any of that.

The world is cruel and he trusts only himself.

~~~

"You really need to learn to take care of yourself." His aunt tells him as she goes about her weekly routine of mopping the house floors and preparing food that would last him two days at least.

Jongin says nothing because somewhere in between the lines of concern, he hears the hint of exhaustion and frustration.

~~~

He's sitting or rather slouching against the sofa in his doctors' office, eyes looking beyond the strands of white hair on the nearly bald head in front of him. He's not really paying attention, he doesn't really want to either.

He's heard enough over the years and he doesn't need to hear anymore of the same thing.

A broken recorder, Jongin calls his doctor. Every visit to the hospital earns himself another round of reprimanding with the same "why haven't you taken care of yourself?", followed by his want to answer back with a "because I can't be bothered to."

As the doctor goes on about the need for him to ensure he has his health on track, Jongin continues to keep his focus on things that lie beyond the stained glass window of the doctors' office.

It's snowing outside; white flakes falling down and joining up with piles of snow as it hits the ground; the doctor's hair is white and falling too, Jongin muses.

The last few strands of white hair will fall soon;  Jongin thinks as he purses his lips and somehow he links that to the slow ticking of the clock as each tick marks the coming of death.

Death is inevitable, Jongin of all people would know, but instead of running from it, Jongin welcomes it with open arms.

Because he takes comfort in knowing that death will come for him soon; he doesn't have to look far and doesn't have to wait much longer.

~~~

He walks home from the hospital, making sure to kick snow over the trail of footprints he makes along his way; seemingly to erase every trace of his existence.

He shouldn't be leaving traces of himself behind. After all, it wouldn't be long before he's gone, traces like that would prolong his existence; make it harder for people to forget him and Jongin wants to be forgotten.

Jongin sees a boy with his friend scribbling their names in the snow and Jongin wonders how it'd feel like to exist like the two of them, to actually feel enough self pride to want to leave his name out for everyone to see.

But of course someone like himself, so lowly and burdensome, does not get the luxury of a high self-esteem; he bends down and scribbles, "I'm a burden" with his index finger.

~~~

Jongin mopes about everyday, wondering when his time is up. He’s sick of mundane routines and he wish he knew when he’d die, because then he'd have something to look forward to, but for now, he's living life seemingly like a wandering soul.

His aunt drops by again, this time a boy (not much older than himself, he thinks), walks in behind her.

He introduces himself as Do Kyungsoo, tries to make small talk to kill the awkwardness but of course Jongin doesn't relent. He's not that easy to crack.

Turns out Do Kyungsoo is a counselor of sorts, Jongin smirks out of mock amusement, because how absolutely surprised he is; it's not exactly the first time his aunt has done something like that.

His aunt grins as she tells him how Do Kyungsoo has helped many before and can probably help him too; there's hope for him, hurrah.

Do Kyungsoo smiles with pride and triumphant before he says something about needing to have a nice little chat with Jongin because based on what his aunt has told him, Jongin does not have the mindset of what people consider normal.

Of course not; Jongin muses.

No one with the mindset of normality would await their death. But Jongin doesn't like normal, so he settles for the abnormal, something different.

Ironically, something that makes him stand out from the rest.

~~~

Do Kyungsoo drags a chair across the hallway and props it right in front of where Jongin is seated, "eye contact is crucial in a conversation" he says, frowning with displeasure when he sees no sign of response from Jongin.

"Why don't we start with you telling me your name?" Kyungsoo asks, despite already knowing Jongin's name; he figures name introductions are a start to most normal first conversations and right now Kyungsoo wants to keep things as normal as they can possibly get.

Jongin says nothing; of course he doesn't, and instead turns his gaze to the picture framed up on the wall; a picture of himself with his parents and grandmother.

Kyungsoo eyes follow the direction of Jongin’s gaze and so he decides to use the framed up picture of Jongin’s parents as his starting point instead.

"Your parents?" He speculates casually, not realizing the change in Jongin's expression.

Jongin nods but doesn't say anything, he doesn't feel the need to. Yet.

"Are they out at work now?" Jongin stiffens with the question and his jaw clenches together, much to Kyungsoo’s ignorance.

"They're dead." He says with a balled fist.

Kyungsoo seems surprised at the new revelation, his aunt hadn't mentioned it before.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." He sputters awkwardly, not really knowing how to deal with situations like these ones.

Jongin chuckles darkly with a raised brow, he's more amused than sad; why should he be sad? Death is part and parcel of life after all and it wasn’t like his parents had treated him well enough for him to actually feel the need to care.

"That's okay. Doesn't bother me.” Jongin says and Kyungsoo purses his lips; that's possibly the saddest thing he's heard today.

Kyungsoo studies Jongin’s features for a few seconds, taking in every curve of his face. The way his heavy-lidded eyes seem vacant; empty, the way his mouth pulls into a thin line of nonchalance; Jongin attempts at the face of expressionlessness, but the pain he feels is evident in his eyes.

Jongin’s eyes are no doubt the windows’ to his soul. Kyungsoo stares into those eyes of melancholy and almost instantly regrets it because he can see and feel just how much Jongin has been suffering and how long he’s been holding back on his emotions. Jongin’s dark and wounded soul scares Kyungsoo and he isn’t so sure anymore if he wants to be the one to peer into Jongins’ heart and set him right again, but what scares Kyungsoo the most is how Jongin's living without the will to live.

How on earth do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?

"If you found out you only had an hour to live, what would you do?" Kyungsoo questions impulsively, somehow already knowing the answer.

"Sit and wait." Jongin replies shortly, not a hint of expression on his face.

"What is life to you then?" Kyungsoo tries again, hoping to get a better response out of Jongin; but of course he's disappointed.

"I don't know. Is it supposed to mean something to me?" Jongin answers shortly, albeit seriously, shifting in his seat and avoiding eye contact with Kyungsoo’s own pair of scrutinizing eyes.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Jongin ponders hard on Kyungsoo's question. What is life to him?

Jongin doesn't know, he doesn't think he even really cares. But something about the look on Kyungsoo's face makes him feel perplexed, though he isn't sure why.

Is it wrong to feel the way he does?

 

"It must for you." Kyungsoo blurts out before he can stop himself and Jongin stares blankly, his brow raised only slightly.

"To live like that, I mean." Kyungsoo mutters lowly, pausing and drumming his fingers against his right temple.

"If one would even call that living." He adds on softly, not really wanting Jongin to hear him but Jongin does anyway and Kyungsoo is surprised to hear a soft laugh coming from Jongin.

Jongin's laughter stuns Kyungsoo, it creeps up to him, spreading a pretty shade of pink across his cheeks, and sends a warm fluttery feeling around as he feels his heart thump wildly against his ribcage.

How could someone with such a beautiful laugh seem so lifeless?

Kyungsoo finds it a pity.

Jongin smiles wryly, unconsciously his lips as he eyes Kyungsoo cautiously. Jongin has never really been a cooperative person, he imagines Kyungsoo must be feeling slightly irked at his lack of response. It's not like he enjoys making life difficult for others’; he just doesn't feel the need to process unimportant answers in his brain.

Whatever, Jongin thinks. The more irked Kyungsoo gets, the faster he leaves.

A few questions and non-answers later, Kyungsoo gives up; just as Jongin had expected.
 

Kyungsoo stands up and sighs. "It's a pity."  He says hesitantly, before he wraps his scarf tightly around his neck, grabs his bag and walks out the door without a promise of a return.

~~~~

Jongin lies on his bed, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars he stuck onto the ceiling. The stars don't catch light that well anymore, the colour's are fading away. They're dying; Jongin laughs at this.

Everything fades away, everything dies off. Jongin doesn't understand why it's such a big deal to others.

Maybe he should try to enjoy life a little more; the thought pops up in his mind but vanishes as soon as it does because Jongin can and will never find something to enjoy in his life.

At least he doesn't think so yet.