He was perfect. Stunning. Beautiful. From top to toe, everything was plain perfect. His hair set in such an awesome coiffure. His clothes which let me see his worked-out abdomen. His make-up was a little bit scary, but gave off this mystery and alluring feeling. All I could do in that moment was to stare and absorb this amazing view.  It was the best proof for me that I love him.  My body was like glued to floor, my eyes following his every movement, capturing every smile, every look he would send in my direction. That wasn’t only lust. I knew my feeling were too subtle and caring to be just a brutal craving for his body.

For a second I thought he could feel my eyes on him, but it didn’t stop me from staring at him.

“Ravi-yah. Don’t look like this on Ken, he’ll feel uncomfortable.” I heard a voice behind me. I turned to see who noticed my stare. Our caring leader came to me. Hakyeon always worry about everything a little bit too much, but this is what makes him such an amazing leader. He would notice the smallest  lapse from members everyday behavior and help. Me looking at our vocalist wasn’t daily event, so he had to react. Most of the time I love him because of this, but this time I felt like a child. He didn’t have to check on me, it was rather my problem.

“I was just amazed how our stylist changed him so much, he looks like a completely different person.” I answered with a smile. It was truth, Jaehwan was unlike his everyday appearance.

Hakyeon nodded, accepting my reason, and left, walking in maknae direction. Hyuk was alone, covered with his jacket, looking blankly into space. He was like this every time we are shooting photos for album or a magazine. He is exhausted and no one blame him for that. He is the youngest and he practice more than everyone. Even more than leader. Thanks to Hakyeon, angelic leader, he  gains determination and strength to work.

I asked him once why is he so hardworking, he replied “ I’m  the youngest and I joined later that you, so I took place which belonged for someone else.” I smiled sadly at how durable and  stubborn he can be I order to not burden other members.

As Hyukkie raised head to see who came to him, his face lightened by a genuine smile. N always can cheer him up, so my worries left as soon as maknae smiled.

Calmed, I came back to watching my cute Jaehwannie, who was about to finish his shoots.

I had to stop myself from coming closer and dragging him somewhere where we could be alone.  Instead of looking at the camera his eyes were directly looking into mine and melting my will right away. Ken took off his look off me, changed his pose and left me angry and craving for some feelings. His position wasn’t y at all. It was freaking alluring. With leftover of my sanity, I turned so that I wouldn’t see Ken. Looking at him was torture for me, especially when was trying to look attractive and y. He is damn good in modeling.

Luckily I quickly found free place to sleep on. I carefully joined two chairs and fell asleep on them in desire to end this day as soon as possible.

******************

The next day wasn’t any better from previous one. We finished shooting photos for an album, but there was still recording a music video. I was afraid of it more than of taking photos. On the day of recording I had to be focused on dance and perfectly lipsync.

It was obvious for me I would mistake something. And it actually happened. After being scolded by director, I cursed myself for not being able to think about anything than our main vocalist. I wasn’t even able to rap properly. Nor dance. Finally I managed to dance without missing movements. But just when I did everything correctly, everything had to be recorded again. Why? Because Ken turned to Hongbin instead of me and whole choreography got ruined.

It happened few times again, because of me and Ken. Maybe he had some troubling thoughts too? It would explain everything. Every, even trivial problem would distract him enough to redo his mistakes all and over again. That’s Ken.  Just when one of us have done his parts correctly, the other one forgot what to do. After correctly dancing for few times in various clothes, after two hours or so, director yelled “That’s okay. Let’s wrap up!” We all sighed in relief. Dancing it for uncountable times is not just tiring but works terrible for our motivation.  We all lost strength for recording our individual shoots. But we still had to do it.

After few another exhausting hours, we were allowed to come back to our dorm. Everything was done. Thank God. It was relieving for everyone, but I knew that one person wouldn’t be fully relieved. Ken was always a perfectionist and after any mistake on a stage or during recording, which happened only two times during our mutual career including today, he would polish choreography or memorize lyrics constantly every day until chance to show his perfection. Which was perfect even before.

Director took Ken on a side and started lecturing him about something. Probably his concentration during recording. Ken raised head and with new determination in his moves answered director. When Jaehwan came to us, he started apologizing to everyone, especially Hakyeon and Hyuk who were all sweated and panting after recording so many times. It was the most difficult for them, as a leader and guilty, (too much) hard-working maknae.

“Kids, go to your dorm and sleep as much as possible. Upcoming week will be really tough for you. Good luck!”  director came into our dressing room and tried to help with his speech. We all answered with a loud “Yes!” After he left, Hakyeon got up and repeated what director said but this time I felt more motivated than any best speech anyone could say. He has magical powers, really. He is the only person, excluding our CEO, who can motivate us and make us want to practice more.

***********

Just as we reached dorm, Jaehwan disappeared in our sleep room. It was heartbreaking for me. I hate seeing him sad, angry or frustrated. Because it was difficult for me to look and couldn’t do anything for him. Not being able to comfort him in any way.

I quickly occupied bathroom before everyone to be able to help my love even if only a little. In no time I prepared to sleep and left for our sleep room.  There was no one because everyone always try to get into bathroom after me. I sneaked into room and as silent as I could I opened my futon placing it next to laying, fragile body of Jaehwan. He wasn’t fragile in general, but for me he could broke anytime just by a summer breeze.

Ken wasn’t sleeping, that was one of little things I knew for sure. Usually he talks during sleep, and talking to him is always like a real conversation. But this time he was breathing deeply, trying to imitate sleep. I smiled to myself thinking how cute was, that he didn’t know even this about himself. I came a little closer, almost hugging him from behind. He kept breathing slowly and deeply.  Finally after hesitating I managed to wrap arms around his waist pulling him close to my chest.

“What are you doing? I heard from him, while he was wiggling in my embrace trying to face me and make me let him go. Pfff, he wish. I noticed his offended voice is really adorable.

Instead of answering him I responded with another question. “ Why are you sad? Something’s troubling you?” I asked in a concerned voice.

He stopped moving in my arms and laid head on one of them, but said nothing. So, I guessed correctly.

“You can tell me whatever you want. I’ll be here to listen to you and help you as I can.” I confessed sincerely. And waited docilely for his reaction. But all I got was silent silence. Silence which pierced my heart with its painful needles. With closed eyed I laid there , with my arms wrapped around boy I loved with my whole heart, waiting for sorrowful truth.

My eyes opened just as I heard silently sobbing. I immediately turned him, so I could see his face. Quivering lip, puffed, watering eyes and red cheeks were enough for me. I pulled him into my embrace whispering nonsense to just say something trying to calm him down. Even a little.

I felt cold palms through my shirt clutching material between fingers. Faint words were heard through heartbreaking sobs.

“It… is…all b-becau-cause….of y-you…” I froze. Is that really was me? For real?

“Because… you were… distracting me… all the time… It was your fault. “The last sentence he said meeting my eyes, looking into mine with a clear blame. I squeezed him in my grip smiling sadly. Unfortunately it worked in the opposite way too.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I whispered in answer.

“How could you? You destroyed all my efforts put into today recording! Why were you staring at me so much?! I thought I would faint! And I couldn’t recall any line or movement I have problem with. Thanks to you I had to rely on others!” Ken continued to blame me for every mistake, but I couldn’t do anything. And I didn’t want to.

Ken was right. He wasn’t the only one victim here, but he still was right. He affected me as well many times during recording.  But I couldn’t tell him that. I wanted him to release all the anger he had inside and calm him down. I just smiled at him for nth time and said simple “I’m sorry.

When he remain silent I added “Will you forgive me?”

“Moron” Ken said while entwining his hands on my back again and lying head on my shoulder.

“Can I say something?” I asked still hesitating as hell.

“Hmm? What’s that?”  He mumbled in my neck. My heartbeat speed up like ten times and I stopped breathing for a second, so I instantly felt dizzy. After I started breathing again I thought that he quickly calmed down, from blaming me for everything that happened today, to cuddling and slowly falling asleep on my chest.

“I like you… like… really like… not like a band mate… but like a…. like a…” I was lost for words. “Like a…”

“I like you too.” I heard correctly? “You like me?” I lifted him so our eyes were at the same level. “Really?

He dropped his eyes and moved his head, it looked like a nod. Almost straightaway his palms came back to their place on my back and he hid his face in my chest. I managed to get to see his sparkling eyes and crimson cheeks before he did. I felt accomplished, I made him happy.

Calm and happy like I wasn’t in a long time I squeezed him and pulled him on the covers along with me. He smiled at me, but quickly covered himself cutely embarrassed.

We both heard door creaking and four people chatting joyfully. We let each other on our places under our own covers imitating sleep just like Ken tried to do earlier.

Members haven’t even looked at us. They were as loud and cheerful as they would be if we were be  chatting with them.

I smiled in complacence wishing this day to be start of beautiful and, hopefully, the longest relationship ever.