If I walk, would you run?

If I stop, would you come?

If I say you’re the one, would you believe me?

If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way?

Tell me what to say, so you don’t leave me...

The world is catching up to you while you’re running away to chase your dream

It’s time for us to make a move

Cos we are asking one another to change

And maybe I’m not ready, but I’ll try...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Look.”

There was something in Zitao’s voice that Jongin couldn’t quite grasp what it was. He didn’t bother to look up from his phone, but a (not so) subtle nudge on his rib later made him shifted his eyes to the Chinese male beside him.

“Hm,” Jongin hummed lazily in reply.

 “I said look.”

The tanned skin male scrunched his face in distaste at Zitao because he was in the middle of playing Temple Run and he actually felt a bit bothered, but too bad the latter had his eyes someplace else so he couldn’t see the death glare sent his way. Jongin sighed in resignation as his character failed to turn left and dove for the cliff instead. Grunting, he followed Zitao’s gaze and spotted a very familiar doe eyed male walking into the restaurant. Jongin frowned.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Yeah.”

“You killed my character just for me to look at Kyungsoo?”

“Gladly.”

“I have to restart from the first level just because you wanted me to look at him?”

Zitao narrowed his eyes at Jongin. “He was staring at you.”

“Duh? We’re sitting together. Maybe he was staring at you.”

“Is Temple Run much more important than Kyungsoo?”

Jongin rolled his eyes and reluctantly turned his attention back to Kyungsoo. Their eyes met for a moment and Jongin felt himself pressing his lips together. Zitao was right, Kyungsoo was staring at him. But it might not mean anything. Besides, what he said was also right—they were sitting together, Kyungsoo probably was just staring in the general direction of their table and Zitao was wrong. The doe eyed male was on his way to their table when a random guy suddenly stepped in front of him to halt his movement. Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike and unconsciously putting his phone on the table. His eyes followed every movement they made, as if to prepare himself to move quickly if the stranger ever laid a hand on Kyungsoo...

Fortunately, whatever happened between the two men quickly ended and Kyungsoo finally reached them.

Kyungsoo’s smile looked a bit strained and Jongin realized he didn’t like it.

“Are you alright?” Jongin asked bluntly. “What did he want?”

The oldest of the three seemed a bit taken aback by Jongin’s question as he shrugged off of his jacket. “N—nothing...” He sat on the empty seat across Jongin and took the menu casually with an apologetic smile. “Sorry I’m late. Have you guys waited long?”

“Not really,” Zitao shook his head and glanced to his watch. “But it would be better if you order something that’s easy to make. The movie’s starting in about thirty minutes.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo said and browsed the menu with a slight pout.

Jongin noticed the male who had stopped Kyungsoo earlier took a seat in the corner. He gave the other man a glare when the latter stole a glance to their table—thankfully Kyungsoo had his back to the unknown male so he realized nothing. When the man stopped looking, Jongin leaned his back against the chair, only to have himself straightening up again the moment he noticed something was clenched loosely in the other male’s fist. He offered his hand and received a questioning look from Kyungsoo.

“Y—yes?”

“Is that a trash? Let me get rid of it.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo seemed awkward all of a sudden and his eyes dropped down to his hand. “It’s... I think it’s the—yeah. The male earlier—he gave me this, I think.”

Jongin frowned as he snatched the paper offhandedly from Kyungsoo’s hand. It was a napkin. Why would someone give him a napkin—oh. He flipped it nonchalantly, only to find that there was a number written on the back. Jongin snorted in irritation.

“...it’s a number.”

Zitao peered over in interest with his eyes gleaming. “Ooh. He gave you his number? Even though you two had just met? What a bold guy.”

“I—“ Kyungsoo turned crimson at the remark and cleared his throat. “Well, it’s not the first time... I mean, we have met a few times...so...”

Jongin went blank. A few times? Where the hell??

“Is that so? Are you interested, hyung? Maybe you should call him.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t,” Kyungsoo answered too quickly with his face still hidden behind the menu.

Jongin mentally agreed.

“Why? You haven’t even tried. Was he good looking? I didn’t get a nice view of him...”

“Hmm...I didn’t really pay attention. Maybe I’ll have this,” Kyungsoo mumbled to himself and looked around to call for a waiter. He waved a hand to catch the waitress’ attention who was standing by the entrance. She was spacing out until someone who seemed to be her manager scolded her and hastily walked toward their table. “Besides, I don’t believe in relationships, remember? It’s not gonna work out.”

“Oh, come on, hyung,” Zitao whined and clicked his tongue. “It’s been a while since you date. You’ll never know until you try, remember? And who knows, maybe he’s the one for you. Right, Jongin-ah?” The red haired male turned to Jongin for support.

Jongin didn’t answer.

“Yo, Jongin-ah.”

“Hm?” Jongin blinked nonchalantly. “What did you say?”

“I said—“ Zitao went blank at his reaction and facepalmed in response. “Nevermind.”

Kyungsoo sent Jongin a grateful smile and none of them said a thing after that.

Zitao was soon lost in his own world with his phone when the waitress asked Kyungsoo if he was ready to order—definitely checking on his boyfriend.

Kyungsoo puffed his cheeks, a bit confused of what to have, but in the end he decided to just order a drink because the movie was starting in less than twenty minutes. The waitress confirmed his order for one more time before walking back to the counter. Kyungsoo put the menu aside and propped an elbow on the table. His gaze went somewhere between Jongin’s hand and arm before unconsciously climbing up to meet Jongin’s black orbs. Their gazes collided again and this time, Kyungsoo smiled shyly.

Jongin had the napkin crushed into a ball in his fist.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo had been friends for a few years.

They met through a friend of a friend who also turned out to be their friends (the world was small, indeed). Jongin didn’t remember how they ended up being close. Before he knew it, Kyungsoo was already an important part of his life and was one of his precious friends. Very precious that it had become a routinity for him to walk Kyungsoo home after movies (or after any of their meetings, for that matter). Very precious that Zitao knew that Jongin hated it whenever random guys tried hitting on Kyungsoo (maybe it was also the reason why the Chinese male told him to look). Very precious that Jongin had always felt like he had to protect the doe eyed male from harm with all of his might.

Zitao waved them goodbye with a yawn before heading to the opposite direction.

Kyungsoo commented about the movie in excitement as they walked side by side to the subway station. The character was this, the plot was that, the scene was this, the main actor was that—Kyungsoo just couldn’t stop himself from talking. Jongin was used to it. He would always just give him a smile and listened to everything he said in silence. It was always nice to hear him talking—maybe because he had such a good voice. That must be it, Jongin absently thought. Yeah, that must be it. The taller of the two walked protectively beside Kyungsoo, keeping an eye on him just in case the latter tripped over something (it did happen once).

Even when they arrived at Kyungsoo’s apartment, Jongin would still be patiently waiting for the former as he fumbled for his keys before unlocking the door. Usually at this moment, he would feel something akin to disappoinment grew in him to know that their journey was done for the night. Sometimes, Jongin wondered if it was alright to take another route just for him to be able to spend a little more time together.

But the night needed to end and Kyungsoo would always be the one to say it.

“Um...,” Kyungsoo softly said to grab Jongin’s attention and he got it perfectly. “I had fun, Jongin-ah. Thank you.”

“I had fun too,” Jongin replied sincerely and fished his hands into his pockets. “Goodnight, hyung.”

Kyungsoo nodded in reply. The shorter male had his hand on the door knob already, but hesitated to move. “J—Jongin-ah...?”

Jongin looked up. “Yeah?”

Kyungsoo bit his lower lip. “I—“

Both of them got distracted from their thoughts as Jongin’s phone rang loudly in the still of the night. Kyungsoo smiled bitterly because he knew who it was without even asking. The male did his best to act normal and nodded obediently when Jongin motioned him to go inside and lock the door.

Kyungsoo sent him a final smile and mouthed a goodnight before disappearing behind the door.

It was when Jongin heard the door was locked with a click that he finally picked up the call. He looked blankly at the screen for another moment before answering and bringing the device to his ear.

“Hey, babe.”

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin didn’t really believe in commitment.

But his relationship with Luhan had been going on for two years.

It was funny because even though he didn’t believe in commitment, what he had with Luhan was exclusive. Jongin belonged to Luhan, Luhan belonged to Jongin and everyone knew it. Everyone acknowledged their relationship. Their friends thought of them as a cute couple, because even though Jongin was a few years younger, but he matched perfectly with Luhan. They even fit in every way possible.

Jongin was handsome, Luhan was pretty. Jongin was taller, Luhan was slightly shorter. Jongin was protective, Luhan was possessive.

Everything about them screamed perfection.

So why, didn’t Jongin believe in commitment?

The tanned skin male didn’t really understand why. Was he not serious? Maybe, but he wasn’t entirely playful either. Jongin had never (or at least never had the urge to) cheated on Luhan. The thought of finding someone new never flew across his mind. Luhan was perfect for him and that was all he needed. But the thought of going further for the relationship freaked him out. Everytime Luhan asked him what would become of them, Jongin would never be able to answer.

Because he knew Luhan wanted marriage while Jongin wanted none of that.

Sometimes, Jongin wondered if it would be better to act like Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo had stated it very clearly that he didn’t believe in relationships. None of them had ever asked why, but it probably had something to do with the past. To not believe in relationship meant he didn’t want to be exclusive. Jongin envied his resolution because at least that way, he didn’t have to worry about being rushed into marriage. But it didn’t mean that Kyungsoo didn’t try. Jongin recalled Kyungsoo going on a date or two with random people but none of them lasted.

At least not long enough.

Jongin selfishly thought it was good for Kyungsoo, because he didn’t want the older male to find someone so quickly.

Because Kyungsoo was so damn precious and fragile and he shouldn’t choose someone that wasn’t worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

A fight was always inevitable in a relationship.

The first time it happened, Kyungsoo was panicked.

Jongin came to his apartment looking miserable and helpless and Kyungsoo felt his heart breaking at the sight. And for the first time in his life, Kyungsoo thought that he hated Luhan. He hated the pretty male to hurt Jongin like this. But as he silently listened to Jongin’s whimpering about how Luhan demanded him to decide for their future while he wasn’t really sure with everything, Kyungsoo thought maybe the pretty male wasn’t entirely at fault. It was normal for Luhan to think that way.

Kyungsoo Jongin’s hair caringly, trying his best to soothe the other male. It was always like this. Jongin had Luhan. Jongin had a fight with Luhan. Jongin went to find Kyungsoo to take his mind off of Luhan.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kyungsoo wished he were Luhan.

Because if he were, he promised himself that he wouldn’t ask such thing to Jongin. Because he knew the male was afraid of commitment. Because he would never forced Jongin to do the things he didn’t want to do.

He wished he were Luhan because only that way, Jongin would look at him with such great fondness. Because only that way, he could call and demand anything to Jongin without any reason. Because only that way, Kyungsoo would be able to ask Jongin to stay whenever he needed him.

Sadly, he wasn’t.

He was just Do Kyungsoo.

The situation would always end with Jongin drifting to sleep in Kyungsoo’s arms and the latter wouldn’t have the heart to wake him up and tell him that what happened between them was wrong—no, it wasn’t wrong at all, because he was his friend and friends were always there for each other. So eventually, Kyungsoo just let him rested in his arms, and he took the opportunity to allow himself to touch Jongin—even just for a simple hug.

The doe eyed male had just turned off the television when he faintly heard knocking on his oak door. Kyungsoo tilted his head to a side and frowned at the clock. Who could it be? It was quite late and it was also raining heavily outside. Kyungsoo rose from the couch hesitantly and walked slowly toward the door. His mind flew to all of those horror movies where the main character received a knock on the door and when she opened the door there was nobody and then—

Kyungsoo cursed himself for such irrational thoughts.

Another faint knock was heard and he hastily reached to peek first before opening the door. The male held his breath as he recognized the person who was standing by the door. His body went numb at the sight.

“J—Jongin-ah?”

Jongin sent him an awkward, sheepish smile, the one that Kyungsoo understood the most. The only one that he had when he felt vulnerable. The one that clearly showed Kyungsoo as if to tell hiim that he needed him. Jongin was clad in a hoodie with his hands fished into his pockets and Kyungsoo could see that his face was soaking wet from all the heavy rain. The other male lowered his head unsurely and Kyungsoo hesitated.

Maybe he should push Jongin away.

“Jongin-ah.”

Jongin lifted his face to gaze at Kyungsoo. His black orbs contained deep, hidden sadness.

Kyungsoo felt his resolve began to waver because he wanted to just hug Jongin and tell him that the Chinese male wasn’t the one for him—but...no, not anymore. He needed to stop doing this and stopped hoping because everything was just too painful. Jongin loved Luhan.

But how could he do that, when all he ever wanted was just for Jongin to smile?

So Kyungsoo swallowed down all of his intention to push him away. Deep down inside, he knew he was going to regret it.

“...another fight?”

Jongin pursed his lips at the question and grimaced darkly. “I’m sorry...”

The answer broke Kyungsoo’s heart to pieces and he wanted to cry at him, to exclaim that he should just be brave and let it all away because he was obviously unhappy. But no matter how much he wanted to, Kyungsoo would never be able to say such cruel things, because Jongin’s life revolved around Luhan and he just wouldn’t ruin something so perfect.

While he was just a friend.

“It’s alright,” he whispered sadly. “It’s alright...”

Kyungsoo extended his hands to Jongin and the latter feebly accepted them. The weather was getting colder and with a swift tug, he pulled Jongin inside and the younger male obeyed obediently. Kyungsoo closed the door behind them and planned to head to his room to grab a towel—Jongin was obviously freezing—but Jongin’s sudden grip on his wrist stopped him. He felt his heart almost stopped beating from the touch.

“J—Jongin—“

Kyungsoo didn’t get to finish his sentence because Jongin had pulled him into an embrace and his face was soon muffled onto the taller male’s chest. Even though his skin was cold, but the way Jongin wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s smaller frame felt so right. The taller of the two buried his wet face onto Kyungsoo’s neck. The latter shivered slightly at the coldness, but he didn’t pull away.

“Hyung.”

It pained Kyungsoo to know that Jongin was this miserable whenever he had a fight with Luhan. He hated it.

“It’s okay,” he whispered painfully and slowly hugged back. “It’s okay, Jongin-ah.”

“I broke up.”

Kyungsoo sighed in a barely audible voice, because this was scripted. Everytime it happened, Jongin would seek shelter in his arms and he would gladly give it away for nothing in return. Sometimes he didn’t even know who was at fault anymore for doing such thing. Was it Jongin because he kept on coming to Kyungsoo whenever he had problems? Or was it himself because he couldn’t say no?

“Luhan asked me if I—and I—I just—”

Kyungsoo was almost tired because no matter how many times Jongin said it, they would always kiss and make up a few days later.

“I don’t want commitment.”

And Kyungsoo could only close his eyes as a silent reply, fighting the tears that were coming and tightened his hands around Jongin’s waist. Because only at moments like these that he was allowed to touch the taller male without having to worry.

“What should I do, Hyung?”

Jongin’s tone cracked slightly.

Leave him, Jongin-ah. Leave him...

Sometimes, he wanted to cry to Jongin the reason why he didn’t want to try.

He was afraid of relationships because he didn’t want to be in one that wasn’t with Jongin.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo was never hopeful because his hunch was true.

They would fall asleep together on Kyungsoo’s bed with their hands wrapped around each other. Most of the times, he would selfishly wish and pray before sleep that Jongin was still going to be there in the morning.

But it never happened.

When he woke up the next day, Jongin was nowhere to be found. Usually the male would leave a thank you note and Kyungsoo could only smile sincerely in return because he wished the reason why Jongin disappeared was because of Luhan. No matter how much he wanted Jongin to stay, he would never tell the other male. No matter how much Kyungsoo wanted to be in his arms badly forever, it would probably never happen. Because he was only there to be Jongin’s comfort and he wasn’t supposed to ask more.

Which was funny because Luhan got jealous of Kyungsoo sometimes.

It was also funny because Jongin never wanted to argue when it came to Kyungsoo. Whenever the pretty male brought Kyungsoo up as an argument, Jongin would scoff and tell him that Kyungsoo had nothing to do with this and that he should behave.

Or so Zitao said.

Because Kyungsoo had never really asked Jongin of what really happened.

It didn’t surprise Kyungsoo anymore when he heard Jongin got back together with Luhan a few days later. Sure, the first time it happened, Kyungsoo felt betrayed and saddened by Jongin’s attitude, but after the second and the third, he somehow knew that he would never win the tanned skin male from Luhan. Kyungsoo felt content just by seeing the smile on Jongin’s face again, because that was all he ever wanted. Because he only wanted Jongin to be happy and Luhan was the only person who was able to make him felt that way.

Sometimes, Kyungsoo wondered if he would ever survive with his feelings for Jongin. If this kept on happening, eventually Jongin would give in to Luhan’s request. What if the pretty male asked to go on to the next step and he threatened to leave if Jongin was still not ready? Jongin probably feared commitment for now, but who knew? Maybe next week, next month, some time in the future, he wouldn’t be scared anymore. And who knew, by the time Jongin got married with Luhan, Kyungsoo’s phobia to relationships would fade.

Because he had to learn to accept the fact that Jongin wasn’t his.

Maybe.

Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationships, but it must have been obvious that he was lonely. He was hanging out with Zitao and Baekhyun that day at the usual cafe when the topic was brought. Jongin couldn’t make it (probably another date with Luhan) and Jongdae had an appointment with a friend, so that left just the three of them.

“Hyung,” Zitao started calmly.

“Hm?” Kyungsoo hummed in reply as he lazily stirred his milk tea.

“I think I have the perfect candidate for you,” Zitao casually said as he rested his chin on his palm. “And this time, please, please just give it a try.”

Kyungsoo’s jaw dropped as he stopped stirring his spoon. “...what...?”

“I’m trying to set you up.”

“You—you are trying to set me up?”

“Yes, I am,” Zitao snorted and rolled his eyes. “I’ve given your number to Chanyeol-hyung and if he ever called you, please just give him a chance or I will never forgive you.”

Baekhyun abruptly looked up from his drink and choked uncontrollably. Kyungsoo went panicked and patted Baekhyun’s back as an attempt to calm him down. When he was finally alright after gulping a glass of water, Baekhyun stared lifelessly at Zitao. “Chanyeol? As in Park—Park Chanyeol?”

Zitao stared back at him. “...yeah.”

Kyungsoo looked reluctant. “You know this Chanyeol, hyung?”

Baekhyun bit his lower lip. “I—yeah, I do...”

“He’s—he’s not a nice person?”

“He’s—“ Baekhyun paused and looked away. “He’s...alright.”

“So,” Zitao ignored the look Baekhyun had on his face and fixed his attention back to Kyungsoo. “You should try, alright?”

Kyungsoo pressed his lips together and his mind immediately flew to Jongin. What if this Chanyeol was nothing like Jongin? What if he wasn’t tall? Even if he was, what if he wasn’t tanned? Even if he was, what if he wasn’t cool like Jongin? Kyungsoo facepalmed at his own thoughts and mentally cried.

The atmosphere gradually changed and none of them said a thing after that.

Zitao looked satisfied with himself while Baekhyun looked terribly gloomy in his seat.

The Chinese male sent a knowing look to Baekhyun’s direction before sipping his drink, but maybe it was just his imagination.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo decided to just give it a try.

At least once. Who knew, it might just be able to take his mind off of Jongin.

Just like Zitao had said, he had given Kyungsoo’s number to Chanyeol and he didn’t remember how it began, but they started texting. They texted casually, too casually that Kyungsoo immediately realized that he had nothing toward the male—not even a spark. Chanyeol had called him once before sleeping to wish him goodnight and it turned out that the male had a deep voice, a nice laugh and a kind heart, but Kyungsoo wasn’t sure because Chanyeol...

Chanyeol wasn’t Jongin.

But when would he be able to move on if he didn’t try?

Kyungsoo told himself over and over again that he should. Zitao’s encouraging words for him to try replayed like a broken record in his mind and he sighed in defeat. Strangely, Jongin was the first thing to came to Kyungsoo’s mind the moment he said yes to Chanyeol, that yes, he was alright with dinner.

Chanyeol said he would pick him up at seven, so Kyungsoo willingly gave his address to the taller male.

He wondered if it was a good thing to do, to agree to something that he wasn’t sure of.

Was it too late to change his mind and tell Chanyeol that he couldn’t make it?

Kyungsoo sat on his bed with his knees brought to his chest. He rested his head in his arms, mentally feeling drained and exhausted for unknown reasons. Kyungsoo obviously had wasted more time that by the time he realized it, someone was already knocking on his door. He shot a glance on the clock and pursed his lips because it was already seven thirty.

Dammit.

Kyungsoo dressed up casually in a record time and threw one last look at himself in the mirror before stepping toward the door. He closed his eyes in distress, hoping that he would be able to act nicely in front of the stranger and opened the door.

No words could describe his feeling when he saw that it was Jongin instead of his date. Kyungsoo was a bit stunned and was at a loss of words of how to tell him that he needed to leave because his date—Chanyeol—would arrive any minute, but said nothing in the end. He took a step backward when Jongin invited himself to come inside the apartment and locked the door. Kyungsoo gulped because locking the door meant that he didn’t want him to leave. Jongin seemed to realize what he was thinking about and firmly spoke.

“You’re not dating that guy.”

Kyungsoo’s heart almost stopped beating at the firm statement. Instead of why, he was much more interested at finding how Jongin found out. “H—how did you...?”

“I just know. You’re not dating Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo gasped softly into his hand because he was sure Zitao would never tell Jongin about this. Deep down, he wanted to cry in relief because he actually didn’t want to date anyone other than Jongin, but of course he said nothing to counter the sentence. The male waited for another moment because everything was too much to take at a time and he wondered how such simple words was able to calm him down. Kyungsoo had never felt this happy before.

“...b—but...why?”

Jongin pursed his lips grimly and stared right into Kyungsoo’s eyes. “I’m just not letting you.”

Their gazes collided and both of them realized that they didn’t need any other reason.

That moment, Kyungsoo just knew that his heart would never beat for anyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin still belonged to Luhan and Luhan still belonged to Jongin.

But sometimes, Kyungsoo thought the younger male belonged to him, too.

There were times when they were together with their friends without Luhan, and Jongin showed everyone that no one could touch Kyungsoo. Although it would show simply as an affection from Jongin because he cared for Kyungsoo—the way Junmyeon did for everyone, but Zitao was no fool. He was no fool because it was the same affection he did to Jongdae, or the same feelings radiated from Baekhyun toward Chanyeol. Heck, it probably surpassed Yifan’s affection toward Junmyeon.

Zitao knew Kyungsoo was doing a great job from hiding his feelings so that their friends hadn’t suspect a thing. It was such a cliche, really, Kyungsoo being lovesick over Jongin who was dating Luhan (and nobody was doing anything about it). But would it be fair to Kyungsoo if he kept on welcoming Jongin into his arms when the other male clearly had someone else? He wanted to talk to Kyungsoo privately, but never really had the chance to. Because whenever they met, Jongin would always be around and it was hard to approach Kyungsoo without getting a death glare from Jongin.

“Oh no,” Jongdae whined.

Zitao looked up from the magazine. “What’s wrong?”

“I ran out of shampoo,” Jongdae said with his puppy eyes. His boyfriend only put on a blank expression and only nodded in response before shifting his eyes back to the astrology page. “Baby, would you please go to the nearest convenient store to get it for me...?”

Zitao sighed in resignation because whenever Jongdae used his sweet, pleading tone, he knew he had lost. If he declined then it would usually end with Jongdae sulking for a week and he hated it. “...alright.”

“You’re the best boyfriend,” Jongdae grinned as he threw himself to Zitao’s lap and leaned forward to kiss the taller male. “Who knows, something good might happen tonight.”

Zitao snorted into a smile but kissed him back anyway. “Like what?”

“Like there would be a discount, buy one free one,” Jongdae took something out of his pocket and handed him a piece of paper. “Buy some snacks too, okay?”

Zitao eyed the paper questioningly. “...it wasn’t just shampoo?”

Jongdae flashed him an impish smile before kissing the Chinese male once again.

So Zitao, for the name of love, went to the supermarket he frequented and took an empty basket. He glanced briefly at the list of things he needed to buy and walked to the said aisle. When Zitao was done (thankfully it wasn’t that much) and he was about to head to the cashier to pay when he spotted Kyungsoo. At first he thought it was just his imagination, that it was someone else, but then he took a closer look and he was right.

It was really Kyungsoo.

Zitao hesitated for a moment because it seemed like the older male was also all by himself. Kyungsoo was still staring at the stack of canned foods in front of him blankly, a hand on his chest and the other hand holding a half filled basket. Zitao decided that he would not waste this opportunity, so he stalked forward to greet his friend.

“Hyung.”

Kyungsoo’s shoulder flinched slightly as he turned to Zitao. His lips curved into a smile when he noticed who had called him. “Hi, Zitao.”

Zitao raised a hand in response. “Are you alone?”

Kyungsoo stared at him strangely. “Yeah...? I mean, who else would I be with...?”

Jongin, was what Zitao wanted to reply but he only showed him an apologetic smile. “Just asking, hyung. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Are you alone too?”

“Yeah. Chen’s at home.”

Kyungsoo chuckled. “It must be nice to be able to stay home and send your boyfriend out to do an errand for you...” He trailed off and absently took a can of tuna. Kyungsoo seemed to be lost in thoughts as he observed thoroughly at the canned food. Zitao opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure of what to say.

Silence descended upon them and after a few moments, Zitao decided to break it.

“I heard what happened with Chanyeol. I’m so sorry for that.”

Kyungsoo blinked. “What happened to him?”

Zitao frowned slightly. “You didn’t know?” When he received a headshake as an answer, he suddenly wasn’t sure if he should continue. Zitao cleared his throat awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “He, uh...he got together with Baekhyun-hyung.”

“He did?” Kyungsoo beamed at him. “That’s good!”

Zitao blinked. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo waved a hand dismissively and looked a bit relieved. “I mean, he didn’t show up...and I know I’m boring. Besides, Baekhyun-hyung will make a good boyfriend for him.”

“Chanyeol didn’t...show up?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Jongin did, though.”

Zitao’s head snapped back quickly to Kyungsoo. “Jongin showed up?”

Kyungsoo seemed to realize that he had made a mistake by mentioning the name and blanched. “I—I mean...”

How did he know?

“What did Jongin say?”

“He—he said nothing,” Kyungsoo stuttered and silently hoped Zitao would buy the lie. “He just—he just wanted to grab dinner but I told him I was waiting for Chanyeol...” Kyungsoo mentally panicked because he had never been the best at lying. He hated to lie. But there was just no way he could tell Zitao the truth.

Unfortunately, Zitao was able to see right through his lies.

“Hyung,” the Chinese male said quietly. “I think you should stop.”

Kyungsoo deadpanned. “Stop...?”

“You should stop doing this to yourself. Either you tell him or you stopped welcoming him whenever he has a fight with Luhan.”

Zitao said it so straight forwardly that Kyungsoo felt the words were like a hard slap on his face. Kyungsoo froze in his track and his heartbeat increased dramatically. Was he that obvious?

“How—how did—“

“You’re hurting yourself, hyung. You need to tell him that you love him.”

“I—“ Kyungsoo whispered in disbelief. “I can’t—“

“Then push him away.”

“He’s—“ Kyungsoo brought a trembling hand to his mouth. “He’s a friend, Zitao—“

“A friend who’s not in love with you.”

Kyungsoo gasped into his hand at the remark and took a step back. Tears were starting to form in the rim of his eyes as he stared at Zitao. He wanted to protest, he wanted to be angry at him for being so mean, but he knew what Zitao said was right. Everything was right.

Jongin wasn’t in love with him and he knew it. He had always known it. Then why did he keep on clinging to the false hope?

“Don’t,” Kyungsoo was pleading and warning at the same time.

Kyungsoo knew that he wasn’t the one Jongin fell in love with. He wasn’t the one he had a relationship with. Kyungsoo wasn’t the one for him.

“I have to,” Zitao sternly said. “Leave him.”

But no matter how hurt it was when the truth was shoved bluntly into his face, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to let Jongin go.

He didn’t even want to try.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

A few days had passed and Kyungsoo had been locking himself in his apartment.

The doe eyed male wished spring break would be over soon, because then his days would be packed with schedules and exams and it might help taking his mind off of Jongin. And whenever his mind flew to Jongin, he would realize that it had been a few weeks since the last time the tanned skin male came to his apartment—which was good, because that meant everything was alright with Luhan. Zitao and Baekhyun had been calling him to get him out of the apartment, but he had always declined.

Because if they hang out, it would mean meeting Jongin and he just didn’t want to at the moment.

There were times when Kyungsoo felt he wouldn’t be able to make it, but he told himself he would last. Just a few more weeks and then he would probably forget about everything.

Days turned to a week and a week turned to two in a blink of an eye.

Kyungsoo definitely didn’t expect Jongin to be standing outside his apartment when he took the trash out that night. His whole body went numb and he wished it wasn’t too late to turn back and pretended he saw nothing, but it was too late. Jongin already spotted him and it would be very awkward if Kyungsoo turned around...

Jongin was leaning against the wall and Kyungsoo tried to act casually even though his hands were trembling.

“J—Jongin-ah?”

Dammit Kyungsoo control your voice.

Jongin gave him a gentle smile as he detached his back from the wall. “Hi, hyung.”

“What—what are you doing here?”

“I—“ Jongin paused for a while. “I just wanted to check on you...”

“I’m alright,” Kyungsoo replied quickly.

“Really?” Jongin seemed unconvinced. “I mean, you’ve been avoiding us lately...are you that busy?”

Not them. Just you.

“I’m glad you’re okay, though,” Jongin continued. “I came here this past few days, but I just—“

“This past few days?”

Jongin stopped talking and his expression went nonchalant. “...yeah.”

“You mean this past few days,” Kyungsoo said and his voice was trembling. “You came here and you didn’t...even knock at my door?”

What am I to you?

Jongin sighed softly. “I’m sorry, I thought—“

“Am I a substitute to you, Jongin-ah?”

Jongin went blank. “What?”

“Do you only come to me whenever you have a problem with Luhan?” Kyungsoo said flatly like he was strong, even though his soul was screaming inside. “So when everything’s alright, you just...can’t come to me...even just for a chat...?”

Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it?” Kyungsoo lifted up his chin to stare straight at Jongin. His eyes were full with unshed tears and deep sadness waved his entire body. He needed to know.

“You’re not a substitute,” Jongin said as he took a step closer. “You’ve never been.”

“Then what—“

“This.”

Jongin shut him up with a kiss.

Their lips were sloppily pressed together because Jongin didn’t get a good angle and Kyungsoo wasn’t ready at him lunging his way. Kyungsoo let out  a muffled sound and almost stumbled backward, but Jongin s an arm around his waist and steadied both of their positions. Jongin refused to let go of his lips and continued their kiss.

All of Kyungsoo’s strength was drained with just a simple kiss and he held on dearly to Jongin’s arms. He didn’t know how long had it been since their lips touched and since when his eyes had closed. All he knew was that Jongin tasted sweet and Kyungsoo could smell his favorite cologne lingering in the air. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Jongin finally pulled away, but their faces stayed close. Kyungsoo felt everything was spinning around but it didn’t take him very long to know that he wanted Jongin to leave.

Because it was wrong.

Jongin had Luhan.

“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo weakly cried as he pushed Jongin away with both of his hands. “Just—just leave—“

“No, hyung, please, listen to me—“

“Please, just leave—“

“I won’t leave until you hear me—“

“I’m not Luhan, okay??”

Kyungsoo never thought he would be able to say something so cruel like that.

Jongin was paralyzed for a moment at his words. He looked very shocked with what Kyungsoo had exclaimed and slowly took a step back. All of his efforts to grab Kyungsoo closer vanished instantly and the younger male sent him a hurtful look. “...what?”

“I—I’ll never be able to win from Luhan, won’t I?” Kyungsoo whispered painfully as he hugged himself. He maintained a safe distance between him and Jongin. Kyungsoo felt awful. What was it that he felt? “Why—why did you even kiss me?”

Jongin snorted in disbelief with his eyes widened. “What?”

“Who did you think about?” Kyungsoo’s eyes were teary and if he blinked, it would surely fall to his cheek. “Did you think...I would be like Luhan?”

It took Jongin at least a minute to register what the older male had said. He pressed a hand on his face and chuckled bitterly to himself. “Do you really despise a relationship that much? I’m just—goddammit, I’m not that low, hyung...”

Kyungsoo refused to look at Jongin and sobbed softly to himself. He waited for anything, anything, but nothing came. All he heard was the sound of footsteps fading away. Kyungsoo braved himself to look up and when he did, Jongin was nowhere to be found.

“Jongin,” he sobbed in exasperation. “Don’t leave...”

If his heart was broken badly before, this one was even worse.

Kyungsoo’s heart shattered into million pieces that he wasn’t sure if he would  be able to make it whole again.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

They stopped seeing each other.

This time, it was for real.

Kyungsoo was starting to hang out with Baekhyun and Zitao again, but there would be no Jongin anymore. He finally met Chanyeol and his hunch was right, Chanyeol looked perfect with Baekhyun instead of him. Kyungsoo had never seen the latter in such a wide smile before—Chanyeol must made him really happy. He caught Baekhyun sent him an apologetic stare which made him confused, because there was nothing to be sorry about. It wasn’t like he liked Chanyeol or the other way around...

Not seeing Jongin for the next few weeks made Kyungsoo calmed down a little bit. He took it as an opportunity to heal his heartbreak, his eternal wound. Slowly, but surely, he tried to get rid of his fear of relationships because there was just no way Jongin would be his. Kyungsoo let Zitao and the others introduced him to a few guys, but whenever they asked him out, he backed away. He realized that he wasn’t ready. That he still needed some time. That his heart was damaged severely that he had no idea how to heal it.

How could he, when Jongin was all he thought about?

Kyungsoo sincerely wished Jongin would be happy forever with Luhan.

“It’s such a shame they broke up, though,” Baekhyun said with a slight pout. “I mean, they look good together...”

Kyungsoo didn’t really pay attention to what Baekhyun and Jongdae was talking about. That day, Zitao was the one who couldn’t make it because he still had his class. He was resting his chin on the heels of his palms when Jongdae replied.

“Yeah, but Luhan seems very happy with his new boyfriend now...”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened at Jongdae’s words and immediately straightened in his seat. “Did you—did you just say Luhan?”

“Yeah.”

“He—he has a new boyfriend?”

Jongdae nodded. “His new boyfriend is the same age as Jongin, though...”

“What? How—how long has it been since they...broke up...?”

Baekhyun looked thoughtful as he pressed a finger on his lips. “Several weeks ago...? A week or two after me and Chanyeol started dating, I think...”

Kyungsoo froze in his track. Several weeks ago...?

“Why—why did they break up...?”

“Same reason, I guess,” Jongdae grimaced. “That Jongin doesn’t believe in commitment...”

Kyungsoo wished he would hear any other reason but that. Disappointment seeped into his heart and he tried to act casual like it was no big deal. Jongdae and Baekhyun soon dropped the subject and talked about something else, but it wasn’t that easy for Kyungsoo. He couldn’t stop thinking about it because several weeks ago meant that the timeline fit the time when Jongin came to his apartment.

Why did he kiss me...?

Kyungsoo was so confused with everything and with what he felt that he didn’t even realize that tears were already streaming down his cheeks. Jongdae was the first one to notice and his eyes widened in surprise as he leaned forward to grab Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“Kyungsoo-yah, what’s wrong?”

Baekhyun turned to him before reaching out for a pack of tissues in his bag. “Kyungsoo-yah?”

Kyungsoo sobbed helplessly into his hands and only had the strength to shake his head as an answer.

It pained him to know that Jongin would probably never change. That he would never believe in commitment. That Kyungsoo never had a chance to win his heart, even after he broke up with Luhan.

“Hey,” Baekhyun whispered earnestly as he wrapped an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “It’s alright. It’s alright, Kyungsoo-yah...”

Kyungsoo’s shoulders shook roughly everytime he in deep breath and inwardly pitied himself.

Funny because he was used to say those soothing words to Jongin, and suddenly he was the one who was showered with those.

Kyungsoo honestly didn’t know if he was going to be alright.

He just wanted to see Jongin.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

A few weeks had passed like a breeze.

If he thought everything was going to be alright as simple as a magic trick, he was definitely wrong.

Kyungsoo had never felt this empty before.

He was about to go to the university when he noticed it was raining that morning. The doe eyed male stared at the pitter patter on the windowsill absentmindedly because it somehow reminded him of Jongin. It reminded him of everything, especially of his bad break up and his hidden face underneath the hoodie on the rainy night. It brought a bitter smile to Kyungsoo’s face and tears were threatening to spill over, but he managed not to. It had been a while since it happened and he told himself he wouldn’t cry ever again. Kyungsoo put on his jacket and his hand was already on the door knob when he heard someone knocking.

Kyungsoo swung the door opened without thinking.

“Hi.”

His eyes widened at the sight before him.

Jongin was clad in his hoodie and a pair of dark jeans. He still looked the same—handsome, charming and calm—except the fact that he looked even more miserable than the last time they met.

Kyungsoo gripped the door knob so tightly that his knuckles went white. His lips shivered slightly because he didn’t know what to say, and what made everything worse was that he wanted to run into Jongin’s arms. Because the male in front of him was the only person who would make him feel better.

“H—hi...”

Jongin pressed his lips into a thin line. “Can we talk for a moment?”

Kyungsoo’s breath became ragged and his face turned pale. It was weird because all this time, he wanted to see this person badly but when he was already standing before his eyes, he became scared. Jongin noticed the sudden change in his eyes and quickly pulled him into an ambrace.

“I swear I want to just talk,” Jongin whispered desperately. “Please...don’t push me away this time...”

Kyungsoo put a hand on Jongin’s chest as an attempt to push him away, but he didn’t have the strength to. He relaxed after a few minutes and sighed softly against Jongin’s chest. Jongin could feel the older male nodding in his arms and lifted up his chin with a finger to meet their eyes.

“I met Luhan today.”

The tanned skin male could feel Kyungsoo stiffening in his arms and shook his head as a sign that he needn’t worry.

“He looked extremely happy.”

Jongin’s thumb brushed over his cheek and Kyungsoo closed his eyes instinctively.

“I asked him about his new boyfriend and he said they are engaged,” Jongin snorted into an amused smile. “Isn’t it funny? We had two years of relationship and I’ve never been ready. And then we broke up, and he found someone new in such a short time—someone he barely knew—and they already planned to get married.”

Kyungsoo held his breath. Not because of Luhan getting married, but because...they broke up. They really broke up. He tried to open his mouth to say something like why or how, but the only thing that was able to get out was, “Maybe...maybe they’re meant to be.”

Jongin smiled. “Maybe.”

Kyungsoo felt his heart thrummed loudly against his ribcage.

Jongin sighed and pressed their foreheads together. “But you know what’s more funny?”

Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat. “W—what?”

“I asked him what it feels like to belong to someone...to be committed to someone,” Jongin said quietly as he pulled away and swept a few strands of hair from Kyungsoo’s forehead before resting his thumb on Kyungsoo’s lips. “And he said it is wonderful. And he said that one day, when I feel it, I should hold on to that person.”

Then you should, Kyungsoo wanted to answer, but nothing came out.

“But that’s the funny thing. I had felt it the moment I saw him. I held on to that person. I held on to that person so bad that I wouldn’t want to commit.”

Jongin lowered his head to level himself with Kyungsoo’s gaze.

“I committed myself to you, Do Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo’s throat went dry.

“The reason why I wouldn’t want to go to the next step because I was afraid I would lose you. Everytime I break it off with Luhan, my mind would immediately fly to you, and this incredibly huge feeling I have toward you. But then I would remember that you don’t believe in relationships and it just stopped me. I know I was selfish for thinking that way, but the last time I fought with Luhan, I just realized that you are the one for me and no matter how much you hated relationships, I think I would be alright waiting for you until you’re willing to try...”

Kyungsoo looked up weakly and his expression was a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

“M—me...?”

“I want to be with you so badly, hyung. The fights with Luhan were just an excuse so that I could... I could have some time alone with you.”

Jongin bit his lip nervously and his black orbs reflected hope.

“If I ask you...no, I beg you to please believe in me...to give me a chance...will you say yes?”

Kyungsoo was overwhelmed with happiness that all he could do was sobbing in reply. “Is—is this real...?”

Jongin smiled and brought their lips together in the sweetest kiss. “Does it feel like a dream to you?”

Kyungsoo’s heart fluttered at the strange sensation. Their lips met once again, and this time, he didn’t want to push Jongin ever again. “A dream came true, yeah...”

Jongin raised his brows and chuckled lightly in return. He took Kyungsoo’s hand in his and laced their fingers together. Jongin stared at him fondly before trying again.

“Will you give me a chance? Will you try it with me?”

Kyungsoo felt so precious under the solemn gaze Jongin gave him.

“Yes...,” he cried happily. “Yes, Jongin-ah...”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin had another fight with Luhan and he really couldn’t take it anymore.

Luhan should really stop bringing Kyungsoo into all of their arguments and blamed the other male, because seriously he had nothing to do with their fight.

So they broke it up. This time, for real.

Jongin was about to go to Kyungsoo’s apartment because the only thing that could calm him down was Kyungsoo’s sincere smile and Kyungsoo’s warm arms. He liked to be hugged with those tiny, thin arms. It was the only thing that could dissipate all of his anger. And no matter how much Jongin wanted to stay badly forever in those arms, he never let himself because Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationships and he just wouldn’t want to hope.

The tanned skin male met Baekhyun on the train station and the latter looked awful.

“Hyung?”

Baekhyun looked up to him and Jongin could tell that something was wrong. “J—Jongin-ah...”

“Are you alright?” Jongin frowned and put a hand on his shoulder.

Baekhyun opened his mouth but nothing came out. The male dropped his eyes to his shoes unsurely. “I...I don’t know.”

“What’s bothering you?” Jongin asked again because he hated to see Baekhyun like this. Even though they weren’t that close, but they were still friends.

Baekhyun smiled wryly. “Chanyeol...and Kyungsoo, I guess.”

Jongin’s mouth went dry at the mentioned names. He instinctively grabbed Baekhyun’s arm and caused the latter to gasp in surprise. “What’s with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, hyung??”

“Th—they’re going out on a date,” Baekhyun stammered in fear at the sudden change of attitude from Jongin. “I think—I think it’s tonight...”

Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike and grimaced. “They’re going out on a date?”

Baekhyun forced himself to smile and tried to drop the subject when the train arrived. He adjusted the strap of his bag. “Are you going?”

Jongin shook his head. “You go ahead, hyung. I got a phone call to make.”

“S—sure,” Baekhyun replied nervously and walked into the train. He waved a hand to Jongin’s direction and noticed a phone was already pressed against his ear. “See you.”

Jongin waved back at the older male. He waited patiently until his call was picked up and spoke without preamble.

“Chanyeol-hyung? I saw someone very suspicious trailed behind Baekhyun-hyung in the train and I think you should catch up to him very soon if you don’t want him to be hurt.”

He disconnected the call after that and snorted smugly to himself.

“Serves him right. No one shall date Do Kyungsoo other than me.”