They had been doing this for quite a while.

Midnight meetings after his long schedules in the day, where he would tell s off that he is going to the gym at the central district so that they won’t wait for him for the night. Sungyeol would then buy their favourite brand of alcohol and snacks from the convenient store nearby his dorm, or maybe fresh sashimi from Noryangjin market as per requested but very rarely. Myungsoo sometimes would question him about the receipts every forth day of the week but just frequently there would be receipts in the pocket before the pants were being threw into the washing machine. Eventually with weird explanations here and there he acknowledged Sungyeol’s traces.

Sungyeol punched the pin number and pulled down the door knob after the swift familiar tune rang which the brain had even ignored, he slipped on his slippers by the doorstep yawning as he walked into the house placing his phone on the top of the rack. The lights in the living room were dimmed and there wasn’t any presence of another person in the house, he shrugged it away as he dragged his feet loudly towards the kitchen and roughly placed the alcohol in the refrigerator and the remained stuffs in the plastic bag on the table top simply. He collapsed on the sofa, staring into the pitch black TV screen where he had zero intention of even turning it on. Sungyeol looked at his watch, slowly his attention loitered along with the lights of the buildings in Seoul outside of the house as silence swallowed him bits by bits. He fell asleep.

When he came back to conscious after he fainted it was only 1.30a.m with another person on his lap chewing on dried squid, watching random documentary on the TV and muted. Bright light flashed he squinted his eyes as he cringed and stretched, looking around the house inhaling deeply feeling the jaw on his knee moving upwards and downwards consistently. As he lowered his hand down and positioned it by her waist, she shoved a chilled beer into his palm then slowly she turned towards him and having her face buried in his stomach. Sungyeol caressed her hair habitually whenever she does that, as she held onto the corner of his t-shirt and repeatedly rubbing it.

“When did you come back?” He took a last huge sip from the can as he took out a cigarette from the tin floral box that she got it for him when she was at Japan.
“I was inside the studio just now, you didn’t even bother checking.” She jolted her head towards his stomach casually as he choked on his own smoke.

Sungyeol and Kishi were friends since childhood up till university adulthood, and then she witnessed all his hard work done until he became a member of the idol group Infinite, and still witnessing his hard work wanting to get recognized. From trainee period until his debut days, everyone thought she was his close cousin sister because she was like his shadow, his ghost. They were clingingly responsive towards each other, sending encouraging messages or any funny jokes through their chatting mobile app. He was already numb to all the criticisms and the words used to humiliate him for being useless in the group, but every time when she started saying something about them there would be a fresh bloody wound slashed upon his skin.

“The moment you confess would be the end of us, Sungyeol,” She circled his waist with her arms as she mumbled away with her face against his stomach. “What’s the damn point of us being together? We can’t be together until the end anyway.” She tightened the inexistent gap between them as she breathed steadily.
Sungyeol inhaled sharply as he pressed the last bit of the cigarette on the can, he tugged on her arm harshly and dragged her up. “God damn it woman you just answered your damn question.”

“So don’t do it,” She smiled at him, “the both of us know anyway so why bother saying it out.” He wanted to slap her face at the moment because it was really intimidating especially her damned face with that damned smile, but when tears came off and her thumb drawing lines over and over on his cheek gingerly he lost it.

They knew each other too well.

Whenever Sungyeol reached their dorm Myungsoo would be the only one waiting for him, even though it meant sleeping on the couch for the night. He goes to her every alternate night if he could manage, or sometimes if he is in good mood he would just visit her place the coming night as well. But he stopped going to her for two nights, because he hadn’t sort out whatever he was thinking, about her, about them. The night when he went to her she actually changed her password, and she wouldn’t answer his calls as well. When she picked up his call and he started blabber whatever was on his mind.

“God Kish I was about to call the damn police I thought you were ing dead, are you even at home right now? you why the did you change the damn password without telling me god damn it. I bought your stupid bean paste soup ok just open the god damn door and let me go---”
“Lee Sungyeol.”
“What? Woman, listen, just open the doo—”
“You didn’t reply to my messages and you expect me to let you come in and me all over?”
 “Listen, if this is all about us going out to the public, ok, fine, I’ll stop just let me go in and--”
“No.”
“ you and your bean paste soup woman,” He dropped whatever he was holding on the floor and he flipped over the welcome mat by the door. “you know what, you have a damn spare key underneath the mat, stupid.”

He was thrilled when the keycard could access to the door’s security system and the familiar tune rang, he had never been so happy in his life to hear the tune ever after she had moved into this apartment. He got a sobbing lady dashed into his hug instead of an angry one sulking in the couch, he was baffled and dazed at whatever was in his arms but reflectively he caressed her hair. They exchanged breaths and entangled their limbs right outside on the floor before they could even reach the bedroom. He had her in his embrace as he caressed the back of her head, with a tinge of beer taste lingered in his mouth.

“Why were you crying?” He whispered timidly, afraid that it would trigger her tears again but she just rubbed her nose against one side of his deep collar bones. “Ok, then listen, about us, you know what we jus--”
“No I don’t care. So what if we’re out in public and so what if we aren’t? This whole thing has no point, Sungyeol,” Instantly she had the boy’s mouth clamped tightly.

“Now that we, no actually it’s just you, have a damn goal of having us publicized and let’s say you’ve achieved it then what’s next? Another damn future achievement of us breaking up and moving on? Long story short, I’ll never have you for long even though nothing would happen to the both of us, we, our relationship isn’t going to live long after moving on from this level. If we could move on from here, this position of me getting used to you not caressing my head, you could move on from anything, moving on from us, from me. Accommodation is terrifying, Yeol, I really hate it. And you already know, that I won’t precipitate or sacrifice this friendship just for your selfish desires, because this friendship is the only thing we both have left, there’s no more high school or uni classes or anything,” She hugged him tighter, as she nudged him to lower his head down with her chin for a kiss. When he wanted to talk but she started talking again, which made him hissed under his breath. “God woman you’re so ing annoying.”

“It’s just like fitting in for everyone but yourself so that you’re normal but actually you’re not. No one could possibly move on from whatever they start loving and pouring effort to maintain its loveliness, whoever the said they have moved on with it those are just bull,” She blinked her eyes at the slowest speed she could and adjusted her body into a better position. “Accommodating is a try hard process, Yeol. It’s either you fail the damn thing, get depressed and mourn over it, that’s when people start thinking you’re ing useless and an idiot for not moving on, or supressing everything so that it became a damn sediment and go all unconscious over it until some tard mentions it and you’ll start reminiscing the god damned past. No one gets over anything, I don’t want that to happen to me,” She slowly opened her eyes and stared straight at the lights outside of the window before everything from her view with his shoulder blocking one of forth of the window frame became out of focus, lights bokeh shimmered all over the curve of his shoulder down to his gleaming arm which was encircled tightly over her.

“Just with the thoughts of not having you, it’s so bitter to the point that I would bite my tongue off.”