Addiction and His Name
Addiction and His Name[Addiction and His Name]
Kyungsoo never thought rooming with the younger boy would be such distraction to him. The first time he met Kim Jongin, he reckoned the meeting was three-plus years ago, the younger seemed so innocent, so harmless. And Kyungsoo’s thought began to falter when the company announced their debut then everyone began to work out and put attention on their appearances. How could an eighteen year old boy be a living paradox of iness and innocence?
Kyungsoo recalled the day manager-hyung showed their room. At the moment, Jongin was still… okay. By okay, I meant child-like and obviously innocent. Well, he still was. But the singer never realized his newly developed iness, combined with his to-die-for cuteness, would turn Do Kyungsoo’s world upside down.
The dancing machine was of course oblivious to those peculiar things Kyungsoo was experiencing every single time Jongin came near him. His actually-obvious blushes every time Jongin touched Kyungsoo’s hand, his actually-obvious stutter every time Jongin spoke too close to Kyungsoo’s face. The other members noticed; thinking it was Kyungsoo or Jongin who was a moron.
Suho, unexpectedly, was the last person to know. If Kyungsoo didn’t tell Suho himself everything by the end of last week, Suho wouldn’t know until someone told him. Sehun… well, yeah, Oh Sehun. He pitied and envied Kyungsoo at the same time. Pity, because Jongin was an exhibitionist moron (“He is not!” Kyungsoo defended, which Sehun only replied by rolling his eyes) and envy, because you know… Ehem. Not that Oh Sehun wanted to room together with a member of EXO-M in particular.
Baekyeol (as in Derp #1 Park Chanyeol and Derp #2 Byun Baekhyun) were the first ones to know. They caught panic in Kyungsoo’s eyes when Jongin came home from shooting teaser and just randomly taking off his shirt. And that delicious shocking scene was happening right in front of Kyungsoo’s face. Since that moment, they never stopped teasing the third member of Derp Squad. Although their teasing were quite obvious (“Do you guys think those stupid wolf-y whistles aren’t obvious?!”), Jongin never paid attention to them.
Everything was tolerable only when the six of them (or sometimes twelve) were together, but nothing was tolerable the moment Suho told them to go to bed. Kyungsoo felt like cursing their manager to put him together with a certain Kim Jongin in a room. A room which only had a double queen-sized bed, per se. Now everything felt so sinful.
Jongin was already sleeping when Kyungsoo came out from bathroom, throwing away every horrid thought he had in his mind and Kyungsoo felt his heart bursting from his ribcage. Do Kyungsoo simply couldn’t handle all the cuteness that was sleeping in that bed—it did his heart bad. Kyungsoo scooted closer to Jongin and took in his minty-peach scent, the scent Kyungsoo grew to love because of Jongin. The singer leaned in and fell in love with the younger boy all over again.
Jongin wasn’t perfect, Kyungsoo knew that. Jongin was hurt, he hesitated, he made mistakes, and he was ashamed of his badness. But the reason why Kyungsoo loved him was because Jongin was just Jongin. The person with the brightest light Kyungsoo had ever seen. When he was surrounded by that light, he fell in love, always fell in love, and never once he regretted loving Kim Jongin.
Kyungsoo hoped, even though Jongin wasn’t feeling the same way Kyungsoo did, he could understand it and still wanted to be Kyungsoo’s friend.
No. It wasn’t like that. Kyungsoo didn’t want to be hypocrite.
Kyungsoo hoped Jongin would like him back.
The singer found himself standing behind Baekhyun who was readinga fashion magazine on the couch. On his lap was a plate of fruit salad, half eaten. Kyungsoo hesitated for a second and then decided to do it anyway. “Baekhyun, can we talk?”
***
Byun Baekhyun sighed heavily after he succeeded locking his room door (and getting rid of a certain whiny, lisp-y maknae.) He plopped down onto his bed, crossing his legs and said, “So… Kyungsoo.”
“’Sup?”
“I’m not experienced with love,” Baekhyun admitted. “I never dated anyone before.”
“I know.” Kyungsoo groaned as he fell to the mattress, back first, his head collided against the bed post with a thud.
“We will be idols, Soo, in case you don’t remember,” the said boy nodded. “Regardless the fact we’re forbidden to date with anyone, we cannot and will never able to date another member from the same group as you. I’m not discouraging you, Kyungsoo, but you should know it’s 99% impossible.”
“Yeah.”
Baekhyun hugged his bolster. “Are your feelings true?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you love him that much?”
“Yeah.”
The older frowned. “Can you stop saying ‘yeah’?”
Kyungsoo looked at Baekhyun and grinned. “Sorry.”
Baekhyun leaned closer and captured Kyungsoo’s hand with his. Kyungsoo squeezed it and smiled weakly. The look in Baekhyun’s face was unrecognizable. Kyungsoo didn’t understand why Baekhyun had that expression. It was heartbreak, longing and loneliness, blend together.
“Hang in there, okay? I know it’s difficult. If this feeling is important to you, hold on to it. Because when a time comes where you lose everything, you still have it.”
“Baekhyun, you…” Realization hit Kyungsoo like a brick was thrown to his head. “It can’t… be…”
The older singer just smiled.
“I still have you, I haven’t lost exactly everything.”
“How dare he hurt you?” Kyungsoo felt like ripping the meant boy in two. He hurt Baekhyun. A murder would serve him right.
Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s not his entirely fault. It’s mine. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with Chanyeol. I shouldn’t have fallen for him at the first sight.”
“But… you two look okay. You look fine.”
Baekhyun let out a cynical laughter. His voice cracked at the end. “Façade, Kyungsoo. He doesn’t know—and will never know—that I love him. And I have to keep smiling. You taught me that.”
Kyungsoo stared at their intertwined fingers then at Baekhyun’s pained face. Baekhyun’s hand started shaking. Kyungsoo squeezed it tighter. “Baekhyun… does it hurt?”
“A lot… More than you can imagine.”
A tear fell on Kyungsoo’s hand. His fear came true. Do Kyungsoo was stunned, because Byun Baekhyun was a tough guy. Those times when he was hurt, he’d stay strong. For himself. For everyone else.
“Baekhyun—“
The older stopped him. “Kyungsoo, don’t. J-just don’t talk a-anymore.”
It was pretty hard for Kyungsoo accepting the fact Baekhyun was crying. He was rarely seen with tears. The only thing Kyungsoo could do was hug him for dear life. Baekhyun had been strong, he always had. But not this time.
Baekhyun kept crying silently. Everything he could and wanted to say was done through crying. It hurt when he said those things. Unspoken words hurt even more.
“Don’t let go, Kyungsoo. Don’t let your heart be broken. Don’t give up on Jongin. Just don’t do things I did.”
The older of both singers passed out right after he finished the sentence. He fell to Kyungsoo’s embrace. The younger put him properly on the bed and tucked him in. Unknown by the two teenagers in the room, Park Chanyeol stood by the door step. His heart broke in million pieces.
***
11: 20 PM.
Kyungsoo couldn’t sleep that night.
He grabbed a pen from his drawer and wrote Kim Jongin on his palm.
11:37 PM.
Jongin hadn’t come home. He left early in the morning for the group’s 21st teaser filming. The bed felt cold and empty without pleasant warmth radiating from the younger’s muscular body. The warmth that would envelope Kyungsoo until the dawn broke.
11:41 PM.
Kyungsoo stared at the pillow Jongin always used. It did smell like him. The scent grasped his heart and slowly crushed it. Kyungsoo couldn’t determine if it was supposed to hurt him or make him squealing in joy.
Don’t let go, Kyungsoo. Don’t let your heart be broken.
I won’t.
Don’t give up on Jongin.
I won’t.
Just don’t do things I did.
I won’t…
The name on his palm crashed harder than any accidents.
11:49 PM.
Kyungsoo muffled his cries as he sobbed hard, messily on his pillow. He didn’t want anyone to hear him crying. He became addicted to Kim Jongin, but it slowly pained him. It was like addicted to illegal drugs—drives you insane at the beginning, and kills you in the end. Do Kyungsoo was no longer able to hold on. After all happened to Baekhyun, he didn’t think he could hold on.
He had to let go before everything was too late.
12:14 AM.
“Kyungsoo-hyung?”
That voice, yes, that voice.
The light wasn’t , but Do Kyungsoo knew who that voice belonged to. That voice was one he loved so much. That voice was one that would bring him happiest moments of his life. That voice was Kim Jongin’s.
The bed creaked as it shifted to the opposite of Kyungsoo. Kim Jongin cautiously sat down on the bed, wondering why his hyung was covering his face with pillow. His pillow. “Hyung…?” he called that name softly, knowing that his hyung had yet gone to sleep.
“Kyungsoo-hyung, what’s wrong?” Jongin’s voice came half an octave louder than it should be when he heard Kyungsoo sniffed. “Hyung?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Hyung, why are you crying?”
Kyungsoo flinched when Jongin’s fingertips touch the fabric of Kyungsoo’s T-shirt. The older awkwardly backed off and rolled over, so his back was facing Jongin. This left the dancer baffled by his hyung’s sudden action. Kyungsoo never did this before.
Jongin just sighed and left the bed to wash up and change his clothes. He came back later, hair dripping wet and fresh, but his eyes were totally exhausted. But his mind was racing by the thought Do Kyungsoo was angry at him. Well, it was a little bit illogical, because Jongin didn’t do anything to him except asking him what was wrong.
But the younger hadn’t given up.
“Kyungsoo-hyung.”
“Go to sleep, Jongin,” Kyungsoo’s voice was silky as per usual, but menacing at a weird way.
Jongin argued back. “I can’t if you’re being like this.”
“It has nothing to do with you,” Kyungsoo deadpanned.
Okay he lied. It had everything to do with Jongin.
“Alright, let’s assume it doesn’t having anything to do with me,” Jongin said, scooting closer to Kyungsoo who actually panicked Jongin getting closer and closer. “But it has something to do with you. You’re crying.”
“Jongin, please—“
The next thing Kyungsoo knew was one big, warm hand rested on his waist, and the other one was put under Kyungsoo’s head. Jongin inched closer, nuzzling against the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck. “I’m always here, hyung. I always am.”
Kyungsoo cried again.
***
It seemed like Kyungsoo did become addicted writing Jongin’s name.
He wrote it anywhere. On kitchen floor, on coffee table, on his book, on his bedroom door. On his flesh. On places Jongin couldn’t see.
Kyungsoo also loved to say his name. “Jongin” here, “Jongin” there, “Jongin” anywhere.
That name sounded perfect on his tongue. Do Kyungsoo kept saying that name every time he had the chance to. That name was like a testament to the reality of his existence, was why. Addiction, addiction; such a luring addiction, the dancer was.
Kyungsoo already forgot what happened the night before. He cried, Jongin came, and he slept in the younger’s arms. Well perhaps he wouldn’t want to remember, because if he did, he’d die from embarrassment. He didn’t have to remember that.
Kyungsoo looked up from his book and saw Baekyeol was attacking each other with popcorns. The duo was such dolts. Kyungsoo couldn’t even understand why Baekhyun was weeping his eyes out over Chanyeol last night and right now the singer was happily playing with the giant rapper. “It was a façade”? Okay, façade.
Probably it was caused by Baekhyun’s kindness itself. He didn’t want the other members to worry about him. Being evident about his broken heart and unrequited love to Chanyeol would surely break them apart. Chanyeol liked somebody else, and this person was a girl. The other members didn’t know who, but Baekhyun, being his best friend, could guess who. Well it was easy to read Park Chanyeol.
Even though Baekhyun was smiling and laughing until his tummy hurt, Kyungsoo was aware of the fakeness of his smile. Baekhyun was taught by Kyungsoo to keep smiling. But the younger didn’t tell him to smile sincerely. So Baekhyun thought it was okay to fake a smile. Especially in front of the person who (unknowingly) devastated him.
Kyungsoo just sighed and continued to read his book, sitting leg-crossed in the dorm couch, wasn’t aware of Jongin’s presence. When the younger rested his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, Kyungsoo slammed his book closed of shock. “Jongin?!” he shrieked. A tinge of blush formed on his cheeks.
“Hi, hyung,” replied the dancing machine sleepily. “Where’s Sehunnie? I don’t see him since morning.”
“A-eh, Sehunnie is filming our teaser with Yixing-hyung,” Kyungsoo stammered. His Korean sounded a little off because Jongin snuggled closer to Kyungsoo, now he looked like a clingy koala.
“Hey, Hyung.”
“Yeah?” He couldn’t be asking about last night, could he?
“I want to talk about something,” Jongin looked up, meeting his eyes with Kyungsoo’s. “Well it doesn’t concern me personally but I think it has something to do with all of us.”
“O-okay…”
“Come with me.”
***
They were sitting in a tree, yes a tree. They didn’t have any difficulties climbing a tree, but Kyungsoo almost fell from a tree when a bee past him by. Jongin laughed. He helped Kyungsoo later and got kicked in the shin by the singer.
“So what is this matter you want to talk with me about?” Kyungsoo asked, while trying to get rid of twigs that stabbed his head.
Jongin hesitated for a millisecond.
“It’s about Baekhyun-hyung… and Chanyeol-hyung.”
Did he know about them?
“They looked fine, as per usual, but… something’s off about Baekhyun-hyung,” Jongin said, Kyungsoo eyed him. “His smile doesn’t seem right. Something’s wrong, I can tell, but I couldn’t figure out what and why. You’ve been Baekhyun-hyung’s best friend, other than Chanyeol-hyung and the rest of us, so I think you know what his problem was.”
Now it’s Kyungsoo’s turn to hesitate. Should he answer? Should he not?
“You know who Chanyeol is fanboying over, right? Her.”
Jongin’s eyes widened in recognition. “Yea—wait. Don’t tell me Chanyeol-hyung is dating her?”
“No, not yet,” Kyungsoo shook his head, as if he was assuring himself than Jongin. “That’s what matters.”
“What’s the connection between Baekhyun-hyung and this—“ Jongin trailed off. Kyungsoo just nodded as Jongin threw a disbelief look at him. “Impossible.”
Kyungsoo shrugged, “You were asking me what his problem was, and that was his problem.”
“I occasionally heard Baekhyun-hyung crying in the bathroom, or in his bedroom. I thought he was just missing his family. So I didn’t pay much attention to him, because we all are. And one day I saw Baekhyun-hyung and Chanyeol-hyung kind of drifting apart. It wasn’t that obvious, but I noticed. Maybe only you and I did.”
Kyungsoo pondered on what Jongin said. Maybe only you and I did.
After a long, uneasy silence, Jongin spoke. “Is there anything we can do to get them back? I mean, not putting them together in—err, I mean, dating—but well. Yeah. You know what I mean.”
Kyungsoo chuckled slightly at Jongin’s sudden awkwardness. It was cute.
“I don’t think there’s any,” Kyungsoo sighed. “Baekhyun was already… devastated. He couldn’t look at Chanyeol the same way again. He was… doomed, sort of.”
“What will happen to EXO if they—“ Jongin couldn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t want to imagine EXO’s disbanding. “What w-would happen to us?”
Kyungsoo patted the younger’s head.
“They won’t, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispered. “It won’t happen to us. They may be the craziest idiots you’ll ever see, but they’re both grown-ups. Everything will work itself out, somehow.”
“So… if Baekhyun-hyung was crying because of a certain somebody, were you too?” Jongin’s bluntness made Kyungsoo’s heart dropped. Kyungsoo stared at the ground while Jongin was staring at him, waiting for an answer. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t feel like to.”
Kyungsoo bit his lip.
“I was thinking. And mainly it’s because of Baekhyun. Like you said, he’s my best friend. I’m worried about him.”
“You might did think about him and it occupied at least 75% of your brain,” Jongin nodded, “but the other 25% made you cry. Who is this 25%?”
Kyungsoo blushed at the question. Jongin tilted his head to the side, leaning closer to Kyungsoo.
“Err it wasn’t like that…”
“Liar.”
“Am not,” Kyungsoo defended. “You’re just a kid, you won’t understand me.”
“Uh huh,” Jongin challenged, sarcasm thick in his voice. “Which part of you I do not understand?”
“Everything,” Kyungsoo huffed, blushing even harder.
Jongin laughed. Kyungsoo punched him in the arm when he laughed louder. The older of the two buried his face in his hands, cursing Jongin in every language he could speak of. The last of Jongin’s laughter vanished.
“Thank you, Hyung.”
Kyungsoo looked up from his hands. “What for?”
“I can finally understand what you actually want to say,” Jongin hopped off—Kyungsoo shrieked because it was three meters from the ground level. Jongin stared at Kyungsoo, whose mouth was still gaping (he was shocked because Jongin was just so damn reckless, hopping off from that height, didn’t he understand the risks of getting his ankle injured?) , and smiled at him. “I think… the two of us… what you want to tell me… is the same thing I want to tell you too.”
Jongin ran back to their dorm, after which Kyungsoo felt his heart stopped beating.
***
“OH MY GOD,” Baekhyun exclaimed, “Kim Jongin did not just tell you that, did he?!”
“He did, Byun Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo hid his face behind a pillow. “Do I have to say it again for the rest of my life?”
Baekhyun squealed like a little girl (Kyungsoo covered his ear, because Byun Baekhyun and squealing and his high-pitched voice and his singing ability was just destructive to your ears), bouncing up and down in Kyungsoo’s bed. “OMG, Kyungsoo! You—you! Holy , it’s mutual!”
“We don’t know yet,” Kyungsoo sighed, throwing his head back. “You know that kid is a prankster, who knows he was actually pulling a prank on me?”
Baekhyun shook his head. “You fool. What kind of prankster would tell you such unfunny thing?”
“Well, pranksters like a sassy, narcissistic moron named Byun Baekhyun and a certain creep who is currently sleeping in your room?”
The older rolled his eyes. He shook Kyungsoo’s shoulder vigorously. “You have to confess to him immediately! Why wait?”
Kyungsoo groaned. “The only chance I got is when you guys, sans me and Jongin, are leaving to the company tonight, which means in two hours.”
Baekhyun’s response was a tad weird. “I’ll be right back.”
Kyungsoo raised his eyebrow. “What are you doing?”
“Getting hidden cameras placed in the dorm. What else?”
“BYUN BAEKHYUN GET YOUR STUPID BACK HERE! BAEKHYUN! I WILL MURDER YOU, YOU —BYUN BAEKHYUN!”
***
Kyungsoo was alone at the roof top, lying on his back, his eyes never left the dark sky. Tonight he would be confessing his undying love (said Baekhyun) to Jongin. Well he didn’t tell Jongin that he wanted to meet him at the roof top, but the younger would find him somehow. Maybe the feeling was really mutual. Kyungsoo couldn’t stop smiling.
He was thankful he didn’t choose to let everything go. He was thankful he didn’t have to regret it later.
The others were already leaving thirty minutes ago. Suho, like a leader should, told him to be careful and don’t forget to cook for himself and Jongin. Sehun, being the only person other than Baekhyun to know Kyungsoo’s scheme of confessing to the dancing machine, said good luck and that he was expecting a reward for supporting Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was odd; he didn’t seem to hear what Suho said to him before leaving and his eyes were gloomy. Baekhyun just smiled to him and whispered, “I’m glad you do what I told you to.”
Kyungsoo closed his eyes, feeling as night breeze brushed past him. There was a faint smell of melting cheese, dry pine, cigarette smoke, various flowers, and wet ground. Suddenly a strong minty peach smell assaulted his nose. Kyungsoo cracked his eyes open.
“Hi, Hyung.”
“Oh, hey.”
Jongin sat beside him, legs crossed, head tilted up. “What are you doing up here? I thought you wanted to rest for tomorrow’s recording?”
“I need fresh air,” Kyungsoo answered. It wasn’t a lie, though.
Jongin smiled. He hugged his knees and stared at the sparkling lights of Seoul city.
“You’ve probably heard this,” Kyungsoo started. “My parents divorced when I was 11. I was young and impulsive, but I understood easier than any child would. My mom and dad started bickering when I was ten; I remember the first snow fell in that year when they started bickering. Soon, the bickering turned into real fights. I understood that they had a problem. Children would fight when they had a problem with each other, wouldn’t they? I wasn’t afraid that time. I thought everything would be alright along with the time…”
“…then they decided for a divorce. I didn’t understand.”
Jongin stared at Kyungsoo. The older kept his eyes shut as he continued the story.
“It was the aftermath of their divorce that scared me the most. Two people who were in love with each other turned to perfect strangers in the end,” Kyungsoo exhaled. “I could never understand why relationship, why love, has to end. Then if I love a person, we would end like that. For years, I had that thought. I was scared to love someone. Every single time I felt myself being drawn to a person, I would immediately pull away and go, not even bothering to look back. I was scared. I was scared I would lose that person someday…”
“…But one day. I couldn’t pull away and go like before. I just couldn’t. It was unexplainable, it was abrupt, but it was… the happiest moment in my life. I thought: this is it. It’s him. It’s not gravity anymore keeping me to the ground, it’s him. But it’s wrong. He’s a guy, so am I. It’s just wrong. It shouldn’t be this way. But I keep feeling this way.”
“The more I felt it was wrong, the more I love him. I love him too much that I risk everything. The fear didn’t vanish, it still existed. But what could I do anyway. I already fell. The question now is… where will I fall to? To his arms? Or to the ground?”
“You don’t have to fall.”
Jongin wrapped Kyungsoo in a hug. His muscular arms secured Kyungsoo’s lithe body, his chin rested on the top of Kyungsoo’s head. Kyungsoo was—Kyungsoo just—oh God.
“You’re in my arms already.”
Do Kyungsoo couldn’t determine which one was right: Kyungsoo kissing Jongin or Jongin kissing Kyungsoo. Because he thought Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin didn’t belong to the same sentence. Well, screw that. The fact that Do Kyungsoo and Kim Jongin belonged to each other was important than anything.
[end]
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