excuse you;;


if you ask kim jongin what he loves the most about kyungsoo, he'll go on a twenty-minute long narration that involves simple, unexpected things like this: how their bathroom smells like a tropical rain forest after kyungsoo is done showering, the first two minutes of kyungsoo's consciousness, the broadway-worthy performances in their kitchen because kyungsoo likes to pretend he's the main lead of a musical--along with the rattling pots and pans. but kim jongin won't just stop there.

he'll bite his lower lip and tell you about the nights kyungsoo hums jongin's nightmares away with his favorite lullaby. kyungsoo and jongin are off key, but still in tune. maybe they are. maybe they aren't. jongin would love to believe he's worth something to kyungsoo at least.

but no one, in the history of forever, has ever sat down beside jongin and asked him what he felt about the boy with wide eyes and heart-shattering smiles. no one. not that old man by the subway who keeps dropping change in the vending machine. not the little girl who clings to junmyeon's trousers whenever they visit the children's center for one of their volunteer work. not even oh ing sehun whom jongin baptized as his best friend after catching the younger in the bathroom, the echoes of luhan's name bouncing through the walls. not even park chanyeol who believes that everyone should fall in love, if not forever, then at least once.

so what does someone like kim jongin do?

they keep quiet. they clean up kyungsoo's space in the bedroom while waiting patiently because it's already two a.m. and their manager had asked for some private time with kyungsoo earlier. now jongin respects their manager as much as he does his mom, but this is ridiculous. kyungsoo should have been  here now. in their room. smiling that silly smile and singing a song jongin doesn't know the lyrics of.




about forty minutes later and jongin's patience has been worn thin, their door creaks open. jongin has never heard such heavenly sound in his whole life. all at once, the room began feeling like a room again. thanks to the floral aroma clinging to kyungsoo like second skin.

"why are you late and what did you do and do you know what time it is, young man?" jongin shoots  off questions after questions like the bullets of an armalite m-15 (he thinks it's a kind of gun that fires rapidly). he hears the clicking of a swtich and he sees kyungsoo bathed in silver light. his eyes would have basked in the silk-like look of kyungsoo's cheeks, if it wasn't for the tears racing down them.

rivers. there are rivers streaming from kyungsoo's eyes. each droplet washes jongin's worry and irritation away. he steps forward and wraps both arms around kyungsoo. words like hey, i'm here, fine, faith, strong diminishes kyungsoo's sobs into low whimpers.




"hy-hyung said that i should drop some pounds if i want to keep singing." kyungsoo explains later, when the hint of sunrise peeks through their window and he's more or less okay. "he showed me some pictures of my stomach that's been all over the internet. he says they don't want this."

"are you serious?"

"no, i'm kyungsoo." kyungsoo rolls his eyes even though, yes he's supposed to be in the pit of self-pity; rotting away in despair. he can never pass up the opportunity to with jongin. "of course i am. why else would i cry my eyes out at this unholy hour?"

"because you missed me, hyung? so bad you cried." a large pillow flies to kiss jongin's face. he laughs and kyungsoo laughs along before yawning. "you should sleep this off. we can't afford troubling hyung with dark eyes, too. you don't have to steal zitao's position."

/ - /

early mornings are for sunlight sleep-laden eyes. they're for limbs groaning to life before getting stretched to their full limit. mornings are supposed to be quiet and romantic. it's a concept kim jongin probably still doesn't get when he begins poking kyungsoo's cheeks with his finger (at least kyungsoo hopes it's his finger).

"pyururung. wake up. pyururung. wake up."

"the are you saying jongin." kyungsoo turns away, pulling his pororo-patterned sheets over his head. "leave me alone."

"we're going out for a run! yay!" and jongin just doesn't stop at the wrongly-timed enthusiasm. he continues spinkling kyungsoo's day with black pepper when he jumps in kyungsoo's bed and starts tickling what he hopes to be kyungsoo's side. covered in thick blankets, kyungsoo squirms like an abnormal earthworm underneath jongin's fast fingers. laughter hides in the folds of kyungsoo's hands cupped over his mouth, yet jongin still tries to let it escape.

"stop it. yo-you burnt barbecue!"

"hyung! come on! it won't kill you. let's shake off those muffins."

"i will castrate you in your sleep tonight. i swear by the eye bags under zitao's eyes." kyungsoo threatens after getting out of bed. jongin grins at him, and kyungsoo looks away because jongin's smile is doing some kind of weird thing to his chest. sort of like being held at gunpoint, except that this feeling is pleasant and addicting and you can't wait for the trigger to be pulled.






alright, so maybe mornings were created for light runs beside the han river, too. maybe mornings were blessed with delightful breeze to feel against your cheeks and lazy strangers to shoot smiles to because they look like they need it more than you do. kyungsoo, panting as air swims in his lungs, looks at jongin beside him.

"i guess you were right about the light run thing." kyungsoo painfully admits, hating the glint in jongin's eyes when he raised the hood of his jacket. they're jogging in an easy pace. jongin makes sure to shorten his strides as to not leave kyungsoo alone.

"i'm always right, you just never give me the chance." and he winks. jongin ing winks and a fraction of a second later, kyungsoo is scraping the ground clean with his face. concrete is sharp and painful against raw skin, kyungsoo can tell you that. but jongin winking with his eyelashes trapping sunlight between them is able to cause kyungsoo's heart to do somersaults, he can also tell you that.

instead of asking are you okay, like a normal, compassionate by stander would, jongin points at kyungsoo while releasing chuckles to close the distance between them. "how cute can you get?"

shaking arms support kyungsoo until he's fine to stand up on his own. he bites his lower lip and blinks until he's sure tears won't fall. "go away from me."

"why? because you tripped when i winked at you?" jongin shakes his head and abruptly snorts. "do kyungsoo, taking the phrase i fell for you literally since 1993."




that same day, their manager gives them an hour's worth of lecture about being careful of scratches on the face and 'please don't punch your co-member again on the cheek because the way they laugh irritates you.'

/ - /

it's junmyeon who notices it first, just like he always does.

junmyeon is always quiet, but they all know he's keeping secrets behind pursed lips and thumbs-up signs before they go on stage. junmyeon fades in the background, but he knows how many spoons of sugar baekhyun likes in his tea, knows that jongin doesn't sleep until kyungsoo's back home safe, knows what happened to the bottle of chocolate icing when sehun and luhan locked the kitchen. and now, while kyungsoo is sulking in front of the television and jongin is in their bedroom blasting some upbeat music, junmyeon has a vague idea of what's going on.

"does this have something to do with you losing weight?" junmyeon asks straight to the point, charging through the throw pillows in the couch.

kyungsoo pries his eyes off the dancing bright lights from the television. he raises an eyebrow. "how did you know about that?"

"you've been spending lesser time cooking. our secret junk food stack in the cupboard is still full. plus you're always sweating for whatever reason."

kyungsoo offers a slow smile, secretly proud and bothered by the little things that junmyeon notices. "are you sure you aren't the korean sherlock?"

"for all you know, i might be. now how are you feeling?"

"bloated."

"we have practice tomorrow, right? so friday will do. come with me this friday afternoon. i know something that will make you look and feel better. mentally and physically."

/ - /

kyungsoo should have known better.

he should have caught the stench of the words mentally and physically two days ago. if he'd been alert enough to see through the thick veil of his mediocrity, he would have not been here. along with kim freaking jongin who decided to tag along because he's bored in the dorm. these two should have been at home, crying over krong and pororo with a bowl of too-hot popcorn that will burn their tongues. or in some kind of charity center, helping cute little kids.

anywhere but here.

here is an olympic-sized swimming pool where splashes of water are all over the place. luckily for junmyeon, kyungsoo and (mostly) jongin, there are only a handful of people here. kyungsoo stares warily at the bright blues of the pool. "are you sure we should do this? people might recognize us."

"don't worry. i've been coming here every friday and tuesday and so far, no one caused a ruckus." junmyeon calms their irrational fear and begins making his way towards a buff man (complete with the eight-pack and traditionally stupid face only buff men can sport). kyungsoo and jongin shares a look before trailing behind junmyeon.

junmyeon introduces them as jongin and kyungsoo, my close friends and mr. kang, my instructor. mr. kang gives kyungsoo an elevator look and by the time his eyes meet kyungsoo's, the latter knows that are going to go down from here. it doesn't help that junmyeon slides off the towel wrapped around his waist, showcasing some (here it goes) bright-orange briefs.

that's right. bright. orange. bright orange.

not subdued orange or normal orange or orange orange, but neon orange briefs. the kind of orange that are draped over traffic enforcers and traffic cones. the kind of orange that belongs to convicts. the kind of orange found at the end of a highlighter. jongin covers his surprise in coughs. kyungsoo's wide eyes betray his disapproval.

kyungsoo and jongin are in loose swimming trunks (in normal blacks and blues, mind you). and for the first time in the history of mankind, kyungsoo is grateful for the tiny flab on his belly because he never would have witnessed junmyeon's orange mind him.






the surprise doesn't just end in the briefs.

kyungsoo's eyes morphs wider and wider until he feels like they're going to pop out of their sockets and plop across the pool. by each second, the more that kyungsoo wants to get locked inside a room so he can vent out all the chuckles growing inside of him. he wishes he was as impolite as jongin who laughed carelessly when they're asked to line up in the pool and a bunch of wrinkly, old senior citizens joined them.

not to mention how jongin gasped when mr. kang said, "alright, so for today's water aerobics lesson, we have some new participants. let's welcome them, jongin and kyungsoo."

toothless grins and lined foreheads fills kyungsoo's vision. every eye must have been trained in their direction in order to nourish the growing reds growing in kyungsoo's cheeks. junmyeon i will kill you. i swear by sehun's lisps. i will kill you for this. 







"wasn't that refreshing? oh gosh i can still feel the burn." junmyeon's voice is loud inside the car. jongin and kyungsoo are quiet. jongin because, well, he's pretending to be asleep in order to lean his head on kyungsoo's shoulders. and kyungsoo because, well, he's trying to distract his train of thought before that train hits junmyeon's stupid face and stupid neon orange briefs over.

"excuse you, the only thing that burned was my pride." kyungsoo muttered and jongin bites the inside of his cheek to stop the smile on his lips.

/ - /

as far as jongin can remember, he's been in this love-hate relationship with kyungsoo ever since they met each other. when he was seven years old, he thought he'd love someone who can follow the movement of his limbs. someone who knows his little habits and loves him for it. but we never get what we ask for. weeks tumbled into months. months stretched into years. in between the shoulders of his audition for SMent and their debut performances, jongin fell in love with kyungsoo.

now kyungsoo can never get their dance choreography right the first time. kyungsoo isn't too aware of jongin's quirks and he never shows appreciation for them. however, he cooks the best kimchi spaghetti that has ever graced jongin's stomach. kyungsoo can beat jongin in every game they play, but will purposely let himself lose because he knows how much jongin loathes losing.

and sometimes, this is enough: the casual brushes that left goosebumps in its wake, the 'how are you doing' calls every three p.m. when they're not together, and the this-is-almost love looks exchanged.

but kyungsoo is too much sometimes. there's a point where being friends and group mates aren't enough for jongin. too cute, too y, too dorky, too funny. kyungsoo is too much of everything jongin can't have.

"you're getting thinner, kyungsoo hyung." sehun says as he leaves the living room and into the room he shares with the newly-arrived luhan.

"don't encourage him," jongin blocks out kyungsoo's ears with both hands. "he might slack off on his exercise."

"excuse you, jongin." kyungsoo gets up from the couch and does a pose. "i'm y and i know it."

they've always been the different sides of the same coin. jongin goes on with the charade, pretending his thumb and index finger is a camera that snaps with every different pose kyungsoo makes. twin smiles are plastered in their lips. and there it is again--the this is almost love look. jongin wishes that please, just this once let kyungsoo have a clue. there's only a certain number of unfulfilled desires a heart can hold. jongin doesn't want his to burst, leaving thick blood to drip down his rib cage.





"what are they doing?" kyungsoo's deep voice gets lost in the vines of sehun and luhan's groaning, loud despite the thick walls.

"burning some fats," jongin grins. "we should try it, too. i heard helps you burn calories."

"maybe next time."

"did you just pull a kris on me?"

kyungsoo sticks a tongue out and that's it. jongin has never seen anyone look so perfect under normal, dull fluorescent light. so perfect he just has to close the gap between his lips and kyungsoo's lips and let their flesh do the talking. kyungsoo smells like a garden. jongin closes his eyes and wonders if kyungsoo can hear his heart as it hammers its way out of jongin's chest. or maybe kyungsoo can taste the mint on his tongue (he just popped a mentos a few hours ago, you see).

either way, jongin spends half of his time kissing kyungsoo, and half of it praying kyungsoo won't pull back or run away just as he's been doing these past days.

/ - /

"this isn't good enough. i don't think i can be enough. i'm just so fat and repulsive." kyungsoo is talking to the man in the mirror. the man who's shirtless with a flat stomach, an imaginary crown of thorns encircled on his head.

two days before one of their scheduled interviews and kyungsoo's already on edge; swallowing all the pills he can, adding ten more reps to every exercise, twenty more minutes of jogging in the morning. more water and some fruits, but still nothing. running a hand down his stomach, kyungsoo wants to know where all of this is heading to. will the drops of sweat form into a puddle on concrete? is that it?

jongin remains quiet at the end of his bed, both knowing and not really knowing what's spinning in the ferris wheel of kyungsoo's brain. he gets up, walks to kyungsoo and wraps both arms around kyungsoo's waist. they look at each other through the mirror and jongin admires how he's much taller than kyungsoo.

out of instinct, kyungsoo pries jongin's hands off. "don't touch me."

"why? i thought we were, you know. whatever we were." jongin is thinking about their couch-kiss last week. kyungsoo's blush tells jongin he remembers it, too.

"no. i mean, yeah we were, whatever we are. just don't touch me like that."

"why?"

"because i'm fat." it's a whisper and it deafens jongin.

"who told you that?"

"hyung, fans on the internet, some friends i know. me."

jongin stays still. then he starts humming kyungsoo's favorite song. almost blue, if jongin remembers correctly and it's sung by some indie band kyungsoo is crazy over. he embraces kyungsoo again, watching kyungsoo's eyebrow raise in the mirror. jongin loves kyungsoo the way you fall asleep; slowly, then all at once.

still humming, he sways their bodies together; slightly to the right, swinging to the left. "i love your hair. even if it gets hard to control and resemble a forest when you wake up."

jongin untangles his hand and runs it through kyungsoo's hair, kissing the back of kyungsoo's neck. "your cheeks. they amuse me because they're just so.. stretchy."

and jongin traces the outlines of kyungsoo's jaw as he moves it to face him. he plants small kisses on kyungsoo's cheek, as if he's god and kyungsoo's cheeks are galaxies where stars can be planted carelessly. "and oh god your shoulders. they're so strong, hyung. they can carry any weight laid upon them. i've been watching you, hyung."

using his tongue for a pencil, jongin traces a line from kyungsoo's left shoulder to his right. bodies still swaying to a tune only they know the rhythm of. "and your stomach-come on, don't tuck it in-no, don't remove my hand over it either. this little insecurity of yours got us to places. if it wasn't for this belly you're ashamed of, hyung, we wouldn't have danced in a pool along with old people. we wouldn't have seen junmyeon in his highlighter-orange underwear. if it wasn't for this, i wouldn't have seen you cry for the first time and think holy balls, i am a little more in love with you."

at this, jongin writes i love you from kyungsoo's chest down to his hips. through teary eyes, kyungsoo looks at jongin in the mirror.

"so," jongin holds kyungsoo's shoulders, turning him around until they're facing each other. "if you feel like you don't like yourself or you're repulsed, just remember that i'm kim jongin. and i like to dance, but i also have a lot of words and i'm romantic and i'll never get tired of being romantic. and i guess that what i'm trying to say is this; there are probably a thousand and thirty-six ways to say i love you, but i'm more than willing to try all of them out."

/ - /

if you ask do kyungsoo what he loves the most about jongin, he'll shut up. he'll be thinking of things like this: waking up next to jongin and kissing him with the mouth of morning, jongin allowing kyungsoo to step on his foot whenever they slow dance. then he'll be too lost in his own world to remember your question.

but no one, in the history of forever, has ever sat down beside kyungsoo and asked him what he felt about the boy with coffee-eyes and slick lips. no one. not mr. kang whom they visited every once in a while to join their exercises just for fun. not the little boy who wondered why jongin and kyungsoo once wore bright orange underwear in the swimming pool. no, still not park chanyeol who believes that everyone should fall in love, if not forever, then at least once.

so what does someone like do kyungsoo, uh, do?

they remain loud. they end up belching along to some rock song jongin developed deep feelings for. they keep on humming jongin's lullaby even after his heavy lids have already gave up to the clutches of sleep. because yes, it's actually like this; jongin is a song that kyungsoo doesn't understand (and might never understand) so he keeps on singing jongin every single day. sifting through the lines and breaks, melodies and chords, trying to grasp any meaning.

kyungsoo accepts that understanding jongin might take a long time (if not forever), but it's okay. kyungsoo will try to decipher jongin for as long as the music plays, autumn leaves fall, junmyeon attends his water aerobics class, for as long as the boy with coffee-eyes keeps on looking at him, trying out all the ways of saying i love you.

f i n.