“As you all may have heard that student Sungyeol Lee was found dead in his house last night. We have learned that Sungyeol has committed suicide. If anyone knows about this please do come forward and talk to us,” the principal announced.

Students could be heard whispering and crying. Some of the students crying were faking it. They didn’t really know Sungyeol at all. They didn’t know anything about him. They were pretending to get out of class. Myungsoo sat in his seat. It felt different without Sungyeol. Sungyeol was his best friend. He understood Myungsoo and never asked a question about why he was the way he is. Myungsoo did the same. He never asked questions about Sungyeol and that is why Sungyeol was gone.

Myungsoo was called by Sungyeol’s mother last night after it had happened. He rushed over there. He was greeted by a crying Sungjong. Myungsoo hugged him tightly. He knew that Sungjong was really close to his brother. Sungjong was talking to him, but Myungsoo couldn’t make out what he was saying. Myungsoo sat Sungjong on the couch and headed to Sungyeol’s room.

“Myungsoo,” Sungyeol’s mother said.

“Where is he?” Myungsoo questioned.

“He’s gone Myungsoo. He’s gone,” she cried.

“He can’t be gone. He can’t be. I just saw him,” said the boy.

Myungsoo gently pushed past the older. Ambulance and police were in Sungyeol’s room. The heavy stench of iron could be smelt. A police officer was standing in the way. Myungsoo pushed past him, but it didn’t work. Myungsoo was grabbed by the shoulders and held still.

“You can’t go in here sir,” the officer said.

“My friend is in there. I need to see him! I need to see if he is okay!” Myungsoo yelled.

“All that is in here is a dead body,” the officer stated.

“Please let me in,” he pleaded.

The officer didn’t let him in. How could Sungyeol do this to him? How could Sungyeol leave him so early? He said that they were going to be best friends until they die. He knew that Sungyeol didn’t lie. He just had other plans without him. Later that night, Myungsoo cried. He had cried out with all of his heart. He had cried for the first time in years.  He had lost his best friend and no one could replace him. He didn’t want anyone to replace him. Sungjong had dropped by to deliver a note that Sungyeol had left for him. Myungsoo took the letter, but never read it. He wasn’t ready for it. He wasn’t mentally, physically or emotionally prepared.

Everything that had happened that night made everything harder. Myungsoo woke up dreading going to school. He had to deal with people that felt “his pain.” He knew better than that though. He despised those people. They were the reason why Sungyeol was dead and not living. He left before he usually did. He stopped at the flower store. He picked out a vase and Sungyeol’s favorite flowers, white carnations.

“Is that for your girlfriend?” the cashier asked.

“No, for my best friend,” Myungsoo stated.

“She’ll love them,” said the cashier.

“I’m sure he will,” said Myungsoo.

Myungsoo paid for the flowers and left. The cashier was hitting on him and he knew it too well. He walked away without even caring. He didn’t care anymore. All he cared about was Sungyeol. He was at the point where he was going to tell Sungyeol that he loved him more than a best friend. He wanted to tell Sungyeol today, but that did not happen like he had planned.  He still hasn’t read the letter. He just couldn’t muster up the courage to. If he did, then he knows that his eyes would end up being puffier and redder than what they are now. He spent all night crying until he fell asleep.

When did Sungyeol started to change? When did Sungyeol started to feel like that? Why did Sungyeol think that he could just end his life already? Why didn’t Sungyeol talk to him about it? Why didn’t Sungyeol trust him? Thoughts drifted around Myungsoo’s mind. He unconsciously walked to his classroom and to his seat.  He placed that vase of carnations on Sungyeol’s desk right next to his. He was glad that he sat by the window for once. He sun shone on the flowers. Myungsoo smiled for a few minutes. He laid his head on the desk and stared at the flowers. He didn’t care about school now.

That was when the principal had announced that everyone that knew Sungyeol would attend a memorial for him. They would have it in the gym, where it was private and no one could come in. Sungyeol’s family was informed about it. They agreed to go. It was going to be afterschool that same day. Myungsoo skipped the rest of school and went home. Of course he would be back for the memorial.  He didn’t care about wearing something nice because all of his clothes were black to begin with.  He rushed to the flower shop and bought more carnations. He had the letter in his pocket. He was going to read it to everyone tonight.

Upon arriving, he was one of the first ones there. Sungyeol’s family was also there. Sungjong looked at Myungsoo with such sad eyes. All Myungsoo could do is hug him tightly and tell him everything is going to be okay. He couldn’t believe a word he was saying to him. He knew that he only lied because it was for comfort. He knew that everything is not going to be okay. Someone they had loved had passed away.

Myungsoo blamed himself for not doing anything. He told himself that he could have saved Sungyeol. He could still be alive, if he had done something. He could have begged Sungyeol to talk to him. He could have told Sungyeol his darkest secret in hopes that he could get his too. He was completely and utterly in love with Sungyeol, but never told him. He had to contain his urges to kiss him. He didn’t though. He just couldn’t do that to Sungyeol. He couldn’t take advantage of him. 

Getting lost in his thoughts, the memorial had started. The principal started talking a lot of nonsense. Myungsoo knew better than to pay attention to him. He didn’t know anything about Sungyeol. No one did except for him and Sungyeol’s family. No one in that room really cared about Sungyeol except for them. Everyone took turns saying nice words about Sungyeol. When Sungjong had talked, he talked about good of a brother Sungyeol was. His parents talked about Sungyeol being a good kid. Finally it was Myungsoo’s turn. He grabbed the microphone from Sungyeol’s dad. He cleared his throat before talking. He pulled out the letter and began to read it.

“Myungsoo,

When you get this, I will already be gone. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I wish I could have talked to you about it. I wish I could have found salvation in you. I wish I could have found a home in your heart. There were things we were both holding back and you know it. I knew from the beginning. You didn’t need to tell me, but I would have liked to hear it. I’m really glad to have met you and became friends with you. As much as it hurts, you will never have to worry about it. You would not have to feel the pain. I would not let you. You deserve better and we both know that. I heard them say that I was pathetic for being around you. I heard them say that I was only using you. I heard them say that I stupid to think that you would even look in my direction. Was I? I have nothing else to say except to take care of Sungjong and make sure he stays in the right path. Don’t let him end up like me. Don’t let him do the wrong thing. Myungsoo, take care okay. I will see you in another life.

With love and care, Sungyeol”

By the time Myungsoo had finished reading, everyone was crying. It didn’t even pertain to them, yet they still cried. He spotted Sungyeol’s parents and little brother. They were crying. They knew how close Sungyeol and Myungsoo were. Myungsoo was oblivious to the people talking about him. He wanted to find those people and hurt them. He didn’t though, for Sungyeol’s sake. He handed the microphone back to the principal and walked to Sungjong. He handed Sungjong the flowers and left. He went back to the class room. He sat in his desk and stared at the flowers. He cried. He cried until his eyes became too blurry to focus and his voice wouldn’t come out anymore. Tears dripped onto his desk. He didn’t wipe them off. He just kept crying.

A vase of flowers sat on his now empty desk. His desk was empty and no one sat in it anymore. It was so heartbreaking to know that someone so close could be gone just like that. The vase contained white carnations. White is...was his favorite color. It no longer had any meaning except to acknowledge the fact that he was alive and he was a student of this school.