After their radio show, Leeteuk and Eunhyuk go home the same way every night: tired, blank, and silent. Two hours of nearly nonstop talking is more energy-draining than most people think, and when done after an entire day of photo shoots, television show recordings, and dance practice, it is absolutely exhausting. Of course, the guests during the first half of the show are more often than not interesting and fun enough to take the tiredness out of the two idols’ minds, but when that second hour comes around and there’s only the two of them, fatigue and everything else that comes with it kicks in.

Neither blames it on the other, however. Although their one-on-one conversations run flawlessly and come almost without effort, the fact that they know so much about one another lessens their curiosity which in turn lessens their excitement towards those sixty minutes.

Despite that set-up which has run for years, everything changes that night.

After waving goodbye to their fans—a larger-than-usual crowd consisting of girls and one dragged-along boyfriend—the pair heads for the steps leading down to the indoor parking lot. Leeteuk is about to get into the front seat of one of Super Junior’s vans when he feels a slight tug on his jacket. He looks to his side.

“Hyung, let’s ride together,” says Eunhyuk with a toothless smile. “If you don’t mind, I mean,” adds the younger man when he sees the faintest look of surprise on his leader’s face.

As expected, when Leeteuk smiles his dimple appears. 

“When have I ever minded?” He gently pushes the door of the van close and follows Eunhyuk. Once settled in the shotgun seat, he buckles himself up and chucks his backpack in the backseat. Eunhyuk gets in and puts the seatbelt on before starting the car.

Eunhyuk navigates through the group of fans which has moved to the parking lot exit to bid them farewell for the second time. They hastily acknowledge them with Leeteuk waving and Eunhyuk nodding since his hands are on the wheel. They are on the road in a matter of seconds. The traffic in Seoul becomes light once the clock strikes twelve but Eunhyuk’s car is stopped by a red signal not long after they leave the vicinity of the radio station.

One and then two minutes of stillness and silence go by. Leeteuk finishes typing a message and sends it to Heechul. He looks up at the traffic light—still red—and turns to his companion. Eunhyuk is looking out his window, perhaps deep in thought, perhaps having adventures in another universe. Leeteuk watches the soft orange streetlights and shadows bend and curve upon Eunhyuk’s coat. He suddenly remembers something.

“Are you tired?” he asks in a soft voice. Eunhyuk comes back to reality and makes eye contact with the older man. “Can you still go somewhere else?”

“If you want to, hyung” answers Eunhyuk. “Did you…want to drink?”

Leeteuk shakes his head. “I’m not going to make you break your no-to-alcohol-forever pact with Junsu just for me. I thought we could do something first before going home. We’ll have to make it fast, though, since you might run late for your appointment tomorrow, and we both know how important that appointment is,”

“It’s not that important,”

“Maybe not for the likes of Siwon or Donghae, but for you and Sungmin, it is,” Leeteuk checks his phone. “12:15. Where’s the nearest convenience store?”

“There’s one in the next corner,”

“Good,”

The second the light turns green the car moves again, rubber against concrete resembling skates worn by an athlete against ice. Eunhyuk parks the car in front of the store before heading out and following Super Junior’s leader inside the small establishment. He has no idea what Leeteuk wants to do together but he doesn’t ask the other man or himself. There are times when questions are hanging in the air and it’s best to leave them there. Somehow, they’re like flowers in bloom that will wilt when answered.

That doesn’t make sense so Eunhyuk put his attention back on Leeteuk.

“What’re you looking for, hyung?” asks Eunhyuk when he finds the two of them in front of the section where the refrigerated beverages are.

“Pick anything you want in any number,” answers Leeteuk, receiving two raised eyebrows from the younger man. “Don’t look at me like that and choose. Get some snacks, too, if you want. Hyung will pay for everything,”

“…Do you happen to be mocking me for being a cheapskate?”

Leeteuk lets out a small laugh. “You know I love doing that but no. This… I don’t really get to do this anymore, right?”

“What don’t you do anymore?”

A microscopic smile, one that cannot be detected by a stranger or even one of their fans because it barely resembles a smile, plays on Leeteuk’s lips all of a sudden. Eunhyuk’s heart skips—he sees too many secrets, too many explanations, and too many unsaid things in that simple expression. A lump forms in his throat.

“Hyung…”

“Since we started hosting Sukira, I haven’t been a very good one, have I?” asks Leeteuk. He slips both hands into his jacket’s front pockets. “I was able to eat out with you or buy you little things during the first couple of years, but that stopped when we got busy,”

“You know I don’t mind,” says Eunhyuk. "And you’re wrong. You’ve always been a very good hyung and an even better leader, not only to me but to all of us in Super Junior. Please don’t be too hard on yourself,”

Leeteuk looks down at the floor, the shiny white tiles dull to stare at but he would rather get bored with them than have to face the other and be greeted by emotions he has often tried to prevent s from feeling. As much as they’re all human, Leeteuk wants it to be only him who will feel pain, sadness, and loneliness. It’s a selfish desire, a matter that had triggered a big argument within the group once in the past. Even so, Leeteuk wants nothing more but to protect the fourteen people he would willingly take a punch, a kick, and even a gunshot for. The moment the title “Leader” had been designated to him, it is that thought that has never left his consciousness.

“I’ve failed,” says Leeteuk very softly. “Once might be acceptable but I’ve failed thrice. I wasn’t able to convince Kibum to continue participating in Super Junior’s activities. I wasn’t able to discipline Kangin enough to make him stay away from trouble. Worst of all, I wasn’t able to sense that Hangeng had been suffering for so long…” He clenches his jaw in an attempt to stop the tears. “And now…you and Sungmin will be gone and I feel…I feel like I’m going to lose you, too,”

One intake of breath and Eunhyuk doesn’t waste time in slinging an arm over Leeteuk’s shoulders and pulling him outside. The cold air hits his face but Eunhyuk doesn’t feel it, not with a person so precious to him breaking down and he doesn’t know what to do. He takes the older man in a full embrace, listening to sniffs and whimpers first before saying anything.

“Don’t be scared, hyung,” says Eunhyuk, the other’s hair with one hand. “None of us who are still here will leave. And the ones who did…they will come back. You’ll see them again as one of us and they will tell you that you have never failed. They’re somewhere else right now, I know, but a leader fails only when he starts thinking about himself, when he does things for his personal good and you… Hyung, you’ve never even thought about yourself since we debuted, have you?”

Leeteuk cries harder at Eunhyuk’s words because he wants to believe them, deep inside he has never lost hope, but no matter how hard he tries he simply can’t shake the shadows off, not permanently. He feels responsible for every terrible thing that has happened to their group, so much that he feels traumatized by it all. Almost every night he gets paranoid thinking about who will quit next, who will take a different path from the rest of them, because if that happens he must have been lacking in something. He doesn’t want to be deficient any longer. He wants to fulfill all of the members’ needs no matter how difficult or unreasonable they are so that Super Junior will be as whole as it can be. With two of s about to be taken away from him for a good three months, maybe longer if things go well, he feels more pained than proud. Though he’s fully aware that it’s wrong to feel that way, he can’t help it.

Once your heart has been broken to the point that you feel there’s only a glass shard-sized piece of it pathetically thumping inside you, you’d do anything to keep it from cracking. It’s instinct. It’s self-preservation. 

It’s something that Leeteuk has gone against doing for more than five years, thus his suffering.

“Hyung,” says Eunhyuk, separating himself from his close friend. “If this is too much for you, I can decline being in SJM. Nothing’s been finalized anyway, so I can still—,”

“No,” says Leeteuk in a serious tone. He takes out his handkerchief and wipes his reddened nose with it. Then, he looks at Eunhyuk. “You can’t make decisions based on what I feel. This old man is just being a big baby. You and Sungmin will be in SJM and that’s that. But swear—not promise because promises are meant to be broken—that you will come back as a member of Super Junior. Is that clear?”

Eunhyuk doesn’t answer right away. Looking into the other’s eyes, he realizes how deep and intense Leeteuk’s love for the group and its individual members is. Where would they be without this man? How long could they have stood under another leader’s wing? Certainly nowhere, and not long enough to be remembered.

Eunhyuk smiles. “I swear to come back as a member of Super Junior…” He says. “…and I will stay as one for as long as hyung wants me to,”

“I’m asking for forever,”

“Did you want the afterlife, too?”

“The afterlife or the next life?”

“Both?”

“Both it is, then. I’m asking for forever, the afterlife, and the next life,”

Eunhyuk doesn’t have to think. The answer is almost too easy, automatic.

“You got it,”

Leeteuk’s laughter fills the air and Eunhyuk’s heart. It’s a sigh of relief, a scream for joy, a thank you speech, and a confession of undying love all rolled into one. In the years that Eunhyuk has been with the older man he has never felt more contented hearing that unique sound, the ultimate sign of Leader’s joy. He encounters it all the time whether they’re recording a television show together, travelling somewhere, or just hanging out in the apartment, but it usually lacks that quality of being genuine, heartfelt.

Eunhyuk silently wishes for Leeteuk’s happiness to go on even beyond eternity. It’s impossible, he knows, but he’s sure that if he stays in the group, if he listens to the members’ jokes instead of harsh criticisms, if he keeps thinking in terms of ‘Super Junior’ instead of ‘Lee Eunhyuk’, then their hardworking and enduring leader will have years’, even decades’ worth of smiles ahead of him. 

However, it’s not going to be an easy road ahead of them. There will be more accidents and mistakes and tears and heartache. They will gain more fans and even more haters. Still, when Eunhyuk looks at the very man that will lead all of them through the rain and sleet and storm, his fear subsides and is replaced by determination to keep following no matter what because when you give Leeteuk your trust he will give you everything he has in return, including his heart, including his very soul.

Eunhyuk leans forward for a moment to give Leeteuk a peck on the right cheek, rendering Leader slightly dumbfounded.

“Hyung, how about I buy you something?”

Leeteuk blushes, because of the cold or the kiss Eunhyuk can’t really tell. “Since when were you the hyung between us? But, more importantly, since when were you not a cheapskate?”

Eunhyuk lets out his gummy smile. “I’ve been the non-cheapskate hyung between us since right now. Aren’t you glad?”

“I’m glad…and scared,”

“I’m not Kyuhyun for you to be afraid of, Teukie,” Eunhyuk takes Leeteuk’s hand and pulls him back inside the store. “So…what can hyung buy for you, hmm?”

Leeteuk doesn’t answer right away but smiles again and tightens his hold on Eunhyuk’s hand. The warmth he finds in the other’s palm is enough to erase all his doubts. It is then that he is most thankful for having been made Super Junior’s leader…and for having been given the chance to be loved by fourteen of the most beautiful people on the planet.