Should I do it or not?

Probably the hardest question I’ve asked to myself.

Yet is quite simple.

I don’t even need like a big thing. I don’t need a knife or a razor, even scissors for kids can cut.

Even a pencil can harm.

But should I do it?

Should I take a pair of scissors in my hand, pressed against my skin and dragged them to form a nice maybe shaky cut?

Does it really help getting the pain out?

Or am I going to hurt myself for nothing?

Not like I don’t hurt myself with constant insults against me every day… of course I don’t.

I just simply hate myself.

Every single part of me.

My height isn’t close to be average.

I’m not the most handsome guy ever.

I can’t sing that well.

My dance is good I guess… but not good enough.

It’s never good enough.

There is always, always someone that is better than me.

And I’m not even going to like the whole world and stuff.

I’m talking about the guys in my group.

There’s a better dancer, better singer, better rapper, better everything.

There’s nothing special about me.

I could probably leave this group and I bet no one will ever miss me.

I’m just a bother…

I’m a bother to everyone.

I’m not a good listener.

Neither I give the best advices.

Everyone thinks I’m way too clueless to even talk to me about their problems.

Everyone thinks I depend on someone.

Which is probably true.

But for once, for once I’ll like if someone else depended on me.

For once I’ll love to hear that someone needs me.

Not loves  me, I’ve heard that enough times.

But needs me, like I know I need people.

Staring at my reflection on the mirror I can’t stop but thinking everything were I at. Every single flaw I have, and I can’t see if I have any good points.

Yet another time I wasn’t good enough to have the solo.

Yet another time were I have to watch Eunhyuk as he dances alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Eunhyuk and I’m really glad he can show off he’s a great dancer.

But aren’t I good enough to have a solo?

Just for once…

I’m always as a backup for Eunhyuk but I never get my moment.

Guess I’m just over reacting, I tend to do that.

A single thing can set me off.

And then I’m sorry.

To myself and to everyone for thinking so lowly of myself.

Then again, nobody tells me I’m not useless and that I am in fact needed.

Nobody cares enough I guess.

It’s never enough…

As a single tear makes it way down my cheek, I bring the scissors up. Then I lightly placed them on my left wrist. Uncertainly I pressed a little bit further and then I dragged them from left to right.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel the release it’s supposed to give and I don’t feel anything else.

I guess I didn’t  even was good enough to cut myself properly.

But then I separate the scissors and I could see it.

It’s small, it won’t leave much of a mark, but it is there.

A single small red cut that drips blood.

I clean it.

And then I clean it again.

And again.

And again.

Until blood stops dripping.

I just feel more pain.

I just feel more stupid.

But what if I do it for a second time?

What if this one is deeper?

What if then I do another one?

And another one.

And another one.

I can hide them.

I know I can.

But I put the scissors down.

Afraid of my own thoughts.

And then I clean them and get out of the bathroom.

Slowly, hesitantly I made my way down the hall and out of the dorms.

I stay in the little hall that is used to either take the stairs or the elevator and I wonder.

Should I do it?

Should I go up to the last floor and just throw myself off it?

Or should I go down and talk with Eunhyuk?

He’ll listen right?

He won’t judge… right?

I can trust him…

Yeah I can trust him.

And so I choose going down.

It’s late and everybody is sleeping so I try to make the less noise as I can.

And then I reach Eunhyuk’s room.

I enter it and slowly poke at him to wake him up.

He stirs, he wakes up and then he sits down asking me why was I here.

“Do you need me?” I ask without hesitation and before I could catch myself.

Eunhyuk blinks at me in confusion. He stares into my eyes and I know he can tell I’ve been crying, even with just the dim light that the moon provided, I know my quivering voice gave me away.

“Of course I do Hae, why wouldn’t I?” he answers.

Lies, my brain yells. Lies, lies and more lies.

“Hae what’s wrong?” he asks as he tries to grab my wrists to pull me closer. I flinch a little when he presses on my cut.

He turns on the night stand lamp and then he rolls my sleeve up and he sees it. He sees the small cut I made. And he remains expressionless.

“Why?” he simply asks.

“I’m not good enough… am I?” I ask avoiding his question and he looks up at me like if I have told the biggest lie ever.

“Is that what you think about yourself? That you’re not good enough? You’re perfect Hae, I… I can’t understand why would you even think that” Eunhyuk starts and the pain in my chest lessen. “Why would you think we don’t need you? Do you know you make me the happiest person ever? Do you know how much I love you? Hae I need you, you’re my best friend, you’re amazing and of course you’re good enough! I don’t know what I’ll even do without you, we’re a team right? We’re Eunhae, you’re my half Hae, never doubt that” Eunhyuk said pulling me into a close embrace.

I cried against his shoulder and he hugged me tightly.

“I need you” Eunhyuk repeated again and again.

And the pain was slowly disappearing.

“Don’t do it” Eunhyuk said hugging me even tighter “Don’t cut yourself anymore, don’t hurt yourself anymore” Eunhyuk continued as he rock us both.

And I wouldn’t do it again.

Because I didn’t need to cut myself to make the pain go away.

I just needed Eunhyuk.

Just like Eunhyuk said he needed me.

And it was probably a lie.

But I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Someone needed me.

Someone finally needed me.

I’m not useless anymore.

Probably I never was.

I just needed someone to make me see it.

There’s a long way to happiness from here.

But just with the pain dying down is enough for me right now.

Is good enough.

Happy ending because I couldn't bring myself to write something more depressing.