When I open my eyes, blurred shades of grey and streaks of white enter my vision, much to my bewilderment.

I squint my eyes at the four walls closing up on me as the whole room appears to be spinning round and round. The barrel of light from the only window at the top right hand corner of the room only worsens my splitting headache.

“What is this place?” I wonder, with one hand pushing against my forehead firmly and the other propping myself up from the ground.

“Why am I here?” I say with my eyes still half open as I stagger my way around the place, lose my balance, and fall back to the ground in a corner.

An excruciating bolt of pain strikes through my head as disoriented images begin to surface and flood my mind.

 

A bloodstained penknife.

A broken beer bottle.

Photographs which were torn, scratched, and disfigured.

A pair of almond eyes which spoke of fear.

Trembling fingers which struggled to grab the phone.

 

“Naeun.” I whisper your name softly as the loose fragments of memory fall into place, forming an ugly picture of the present reality.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I repeat the words over and over again as tears begin to fall on the ground, creating useless blotches of dark grey.

But words can never help. They will not erase the terrible things I had done to you; they will not piece together your broken heart, or bring you back to me, back to the time when we were happy.

 

#

 

I guess it all started back then when I came home in a foul mood after receiving the cruel message from my company. Having had a few bottles of alcohol before that sure wasn’t the wisest choice either.

“Myungsoo, Myungsoo!” You chirped happily, hopping over to my side with your little notepad.

“Look at this!” You said as you held the notepad up for me to see.

It was a picture of a haggard-looking house with broken windows and stained bricks, in an eerie setting with long overgrown weeds.

I frowned and said tiredly, “What’s this?”

“It’s the illustration I’ve been working on for a new horror-themed book. Is it good?”

I nodded dismissively as I stumbled into the bedroom.

“It’s alright.” I said as I collapsed onto the bed in fatigue and drunkenness.

 

#

 

I clenched my teeth in irritation as I browsed through the newspapers and internet in search of a new job.

Nothing, nothing, there was nothing at all!

I slammed my laptop close, crushed the newspaper into a ball and threw it into the bin.

I grabbed an outfit from the wardrobe and walked out of the door without even bothering to inform you, who were busy with yet another illustration assignment.

“I’ll just tell you when you call later.” I thought.

Yet when I reached the bar, I totally forgot about checking the phone. I simply ordered bottles after bottles of alcohol, drowning my thoughts and numbing my senses until I could hardly remember where I was and what for.

 

When I reached the door of our house, I was reeking of alcohol and too wasted to open the door by myself. I vaguely remember banging onto the door and collapsing onto the doorsteps.

You must have opened the door soon after.

When I regained a little bit of my consciousness, I was laying on the sofa with you right next to me and a cold towel on my forehead.

“Yah, Kim Myungsoo!” You shouted, “Do you know how worried I was? Why didn’t you answer any of my phone calls?”

“Ah, I forgot to check. Sorry. The place was really noisy and I didn’t hear the tone.” I muttered.

“Why on earth did you drink so much?” You whined and began to hit my chest repeatedly.

“Ah, why?” I groaned, flinging an arm towards you.

“Stop it, my head really hurts.” I said.

“I hate you drinking.” You said softly.

I didn’t say anything and just shut my eyes. You remained silent too, and I guess I fell asleep.

 

#

 

Everything began to go downhill after that. I indulged in alcohol everyday and just couldn’t seem to stop. It made me really bad-tempered and I don’t know why I did all the things I did. You looked unhappy everyday when I returned home from a day of drinking, and I wasn’t too happy about you wanting to interfere with my life.

 

“Just stop drinking, will you?” You exclaimed one night.

“What business is it of yours?”

“It’s not good for your body! And it fogs up your mind! Don’t you realize how you can’t think properly after drinking?”

“Are you saying that I’m not thinking properly now?”

“No, that’s not it. But I just want you to stop it okay? For me?”

“I’m sorry I can’t.” I said curtly and slammed the door as I went into the room.

 

When I walked out of the room to get a glass of plain water, I heard you crying really hard in the living room. The sounds worsened my throbbing headache and I got more annoyed.

“Stop it.” I said.

You didn’t budge and continued crying.

“Are you really that weak? I said stop it!” I hollered.

You had no response whatsoever and I simply returned to the empty room.

 

#

 

When I returned home the other day, I opened a letter which informed me that I had failed my interview. I felt my emotions explode within me and I began wanting to destroy anything I saw.

I walked into your room and saw your notepad laying open at the page you showed me before, with the image of the run-down house. The more I looked at the picture, the more angsty I felt; the picture was like a prediction of my future, dark and gloomy. I found myself tearing away the page and ripping the piece into countless unrecognizable parts.

Just then, you walked into the room. You gasped in horror, looking at what I had done.

“M-myungsoo-ah, w-what are you doing?” You said as your lips began to tremble and tears began to fall.

I got startled for a moment by your reaction and my actions, but the suffocating feeling within me came back again all at once.

“I can’t stand looking at this drawing.” I said honestly.

You looked at me with watery eyes.

“I hate you.” You said and ran outside.

 

#

 

I stumbled upon your working table again and noticed a large piece of paper clipped on the drawing stand, carefully hidden in the narrow slot beside the table. It looked like an uncompleted painting.

I was about to pull it out for a look when you called my name.

“D-don’t touch it.” You stuttered.

“Why?”

“It’s a new project I’m embarking on. I’ll show you when I’m done.” You smiled.

“But I want to see it now.”

You creased your eyebrows slightly and shook your head.

“No, it’s meant to be a surprise. Besides, it’s still incomplete, so it’s not nice at the moment.”

“What is it that you can’t show it to me?” I couldn’t help but think. I disliked the idea that you were hiding something from me.

 

“Why are you back so late again today? And… what’s that you’re holding?” I frowned at the little box with a dark pink ribbon you were holding with both hands.

“Sungyeol wanted to pass me my birthday present...”

“But it’s been a few months already.”

“Yeah, he just came back from his work attachment in Japan.”

 “Stop meeting him so often. I don’t like it.”

“He’s just a good friend, Myungsoo.”

“I can tell he likes you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Myung.” You wore a look I really detested.

“Can’t you just promise me, Naeun?”

“Okay, okay, I promise.” You said and I planted a kiss on your forehead.

And that was the last sweet moment that we shared.

 

#

 

Months passed by and I was still unsuccessful in finding a job. I felt so useless and everyone seemed to be looking down on me. Everyone’s smiles transformed into hideous mocking expressions. My life was hell, and I guess I dragged you down with me.

 

“You’re still meeting Sungyeol, aren’t you?” I shouted at you in my drunken state once you stepped into the house.

“I’m not!” You retorted and grabbed the beer bottle from my hand, “Stop drinking so much, it’s making you imagine things. Why don’t you find a job, Myungsoo? Having something to do will keep your mind off things.”

“So you think I’m going crazy now, do you? You look down on me because I don’t have a job, because I’m useless, right? That’s why you want to leave me and go to Sungyeol right?”

“Calm down, Myungsoo, I never said that – ”

“But that’s what you think!” I exclaimed, grabbing onto your arm with great force.

“Myung, you’re hurting me…” You said with your soft voice.

I flung you towards the door and said, “Go! Go and find Sungyeol if that’s what you want!”

With that, I returned to the room and slammed the door.

I heard you sobbing again and it annoyed me to no end. I covered my ears with a pillow but the haunting sound refused to go. You sounded so pathetic that it enraged me.

“Your life’s not the one that’s in ruins. It’s me. I should be the one crying, not you.” Thoughts like that kept surfacing in my mind.

 

#

 

I don’t remember how or why, but physically abusing you became a habit of mine. Many times, there was no good reason. I hit you because I felt like it, because I needed a way to vent my frustrations. Gradually, your smile was being wiped away, and I was too busy struggling myself to even notice.

The house became a silent warzone and the tension was suffocating.

 

The silver blade shined invitingly on your working table.

Very soon, I saw red, and felt a sharp pain through my arm. It became a tingling numbing sensation and I wanted more. Streaks and streaks of red appeared on white and the sensation became stronger. I laid the blade onto my flesh and was just about to make another streak of red when you grabbed my tool away from me.

You stood there startled, with the penknife firmly in your hand.

“M-myungsoo… H-how… Why… Oh my God no.”

“Give it to me!” I screamed and made a move to grab the penknife. I snatched it quite easily but you grabbed at it again, this time foolishly wrapping the blade in the middle of your palms.

You retracted immediately from the pain and shrieked. I pointed the penknife at you and cried, “Go away!”

“Stop it, Myungsoo!” You shouted with tears streaming down your cheeks. I hated seeing you look so pitiful.

“Stop crying!”

Your tears continued flowing like a broken tap as you cried softly, “Don’t do this to yourself.”

“Of course you can say things like that. You don’t know anything at all!” I threw the penknife aside and wiped the photo frames off the table. I sliced the blade through the photos, jabbed them and tore them, destroying evidences of the moments of happiness we used to have.

“People say that love can overcome anything. Lies! All lies!” I exclaimed as I tore up the photos.

You didn’t stop sobbing and just kept shaking your head as you stood in a corner.

“Shut up!” I hollered, and then grabbed an empty beer bottle on the ground and flung it towards you. It hit the wall and broke into many scattered pieces which flew in all directions.

You flinched as the glass shards pierced your skin.

“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” I asked abruptly.

You looked taken aback by the question and didn’t give an answer straightaway.

“As expected.” I scoffed as I walked towards you, oblivious to the many glass shards on the ground.

“Of course,” I said as I grabbed your shoulders and made you face me, “because I’m nothing now. I’m nothing to you either!”

You shook your head strongly and cried, “That’s not true!”

I pushed you forward and you fell backwards onto the ground with tons of scattered glass shards. Your head hit the wall hard and dark red fluid began flowing out from the sides, dripping onto the ground from your hair.

You closed your eyes for a moment and shook your head in an effort to keep conscious. You sat up straight and reached your hands out to the phone on top of the table.

“What are you trying to do now?” I said.

You didn’t reply but continued in your feat, shifting yourself closer to the table. Your trembling fingers found the phone and scrambled all over the handset, trying to pick it up.

My head began to hurt really badly even as I felt faint. Your image became distorted as I fell onto the ground. I must have knocked onto the drawing stand, because then the large piece of paper, the one with the painting you kept a secret from me, fell onto the ground.

I could only see a blur image of the painting but I could tell it was a young man.

I began to get angry, thinking that you had feelings for another man, until I saw the message in your handwriting at the bottom left hand corner.

Happy 25^th birthday, Kim Myungsoo!

Something stirred within me and I squinted harder to see the picture clearly. Momentarily, I had a clear view.

It was me. The painting you had been working so hard on; it was for me. And yet I was suspecting you of infidelity all along.

 

I looked over at you. Your face and lips were pale, flushed of any colour, life draining away from you. Your trembling hands tried to maintain a grip in the phone handset as your murmured into it.

“Manwondong… A-avenue twen... ty… one… Apartment… thir-thirty…” You struggled to say, your little voice hardly getting the message across.

I grabbed the handset over from you and you gave a weak scream.

“Manwondong, Avenue twenty-one, Apartment thirty-six!” I screamed into the phone.

“Okay, okay I got it.” The calm voice on the other hand spoke.

“May I know what’s the report about?” It continued saying.

“R-report?” I stammered.

“Yes, this is the police station. What did the lady want to report?”

“I… report…” I muttered incoherently as my headache began to act up, “Naeun…”

“Mister? Can you hurry up? What has happened to the lady?”

I perked up at the mention of you.

“Ah, right, please send an ambulance over quickly!” I exclaimed, caressing your face which had become scarily pale, “And about the report… It’s domestic violence. Come, arrest me!”

“Okay, firstly, you should call for the ambulance separately, and secondly, can I confirm with you that you are turning yourself in now?”

“Yes, yes, come and arrest me!”

With that, I hung up and called the ambulance.

“Hurry up!” I screamed over the phone, “There’s so much blood, and she’s so freaking pale… Won’t you freaking hurry up and come over now?”

“Okay, calm down sir, we will send an ambulance as soon as possible.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down! Just hurry up!” I screamed into the phone then threw it aside.

Then, I carried you out to the sofa and laid you down, hoping that it would slow down the loss of blood.

“Naeun, Naeun, oh my God Naeun… I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…” I said with a quivering voice as I sat down on the floor beside you.

I glanced at the room which was now in a mess, stained with red, with glass shards everywhere.

“It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have vented my frustrations on you. You must hate me now. You must really hate me now.” I thought as my vision became blurred from tears. The throbbing in my head resurfaced and the sound of my own sobbing began to get drowned out as I fell unconscious by your side.

 

#

 

When I woke up, I was on a stretcher in a room with nothing but two chairs, a table and a glass panel.

Not long after, a man walked in and sat down on a chair.

“How are you feeling now?” he said.

“I’m fine. My head kind of hurts, but I’m fine.”

“Do you still remember turning yourself in through the phone yesterday?”

I closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts before saying, “Yes, I remember.”

“Can you repeat it with more details?”

I proceeded to give my account, and then said at the end, “Arrest me, please. You can even send me for rehabilitation. Arrest me!”

I didn’t want to continue hurting you any further. There has to be an end to this.

“No worries, sir, we will put you into rehab. We will discuss further about your sentence.”

 

#

 

And so that’s how I arrived here. In this lonely cell without you. I deserve to be separated from you, but my heart hurts so much from missing you.

It’s been four days already and nobody has come to visit. You haven’t come to visit.

Of course, I shouldn’t expect you to. How many would still love someone who hurt them like that? It’s perfectly normal if you hate me now. Perfectly normal.

Unknowingly, tears begin to fall yet again. Out of boredom or longing, I scribble on the ground with the fallen tears. I write my name, and then yours, and then add a heart shape in between. I draw a crack through the heart, and then smear the whole scribble away.

Who am I kidding? I don’t deserve your love any longer. All I’ve been was a jerk to you.

 

“Inmate 231, you have a visitor.” The monotonous voice of the prison warden breaks through my thoughts.

I follow the prison warden obediently, and there you are, with your head still bandaged and fine cuts all over your arms and legs.

I scramble over to the seat and touch the glass panel, but I cannot reach you. I yearn to touch you, to hold you in my embrace, but all my hands feel now is the coldness of the glass panel.

“Naeun… Naeun! Are you okay now?”

“I’m still living.” You say.

I hang my head down and say, “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Myungsoo-ah.” You call, and I look at you. Your gaze pierces through the glass panel and into my orbs, but I cannot see what emotions you have hidden in them.

“We made a promise to each other 3 years ago. Do you remember?”

I don’t say a thing, but slowly recall that moment of happiness.

 

#

 

It was drizzling but we didn’t care at all. At that moment, we didn’t have a care for anything in the world. It was just you and me.

I remember reciting as I held your hands, “I, Kim Myungsoo, take you, Son Naeun, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. I will hold your hand and walk with you, through mountains or valleys, come rain or shine.”

And then I placed the ring through your finger and we smiled so brightly at each other. I bent forward and placed my lips on yours, and though it wasn’t the first kiss we shared, it was exceptionally sweet.

“Son Naeun, you’re now mine!” I proclaimed proudly as I carried you up and spun you around.

You laughed even as you screamed for me to put you down.

That bliss was something I wouldn’t forget, ever.

 

#

 

“I remember.” You say, bringing me back to reality.

I don’t even realise how my eyes have become watery again from the memory. Guilt keeps tugging at my heart because it was me; it was me who personally destroyed our happiness.

“Myungsoo, I can’t deny that I’m disappointed with you.”

I simply nod quietly.

“But you’re already having your punishment now, so I won’t hold it against you.”

I nod again.

Then, you stand up to leave; you’re going to leave me.

You turn around and I bit my lip. I should have been mentally prepared for this, but why do I still feel so scared? Why do I still long for your affection, deep down inside? I must have been lying to myself, when I said that I could do without you. Because at this moment now, I realise I can’t.

I open my mouth, wanting to call out your name, but nothing comes out, only air.

And then you speak again.

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you.” You say, back facing me.

And that is enough, more than enough for me.

Tears begin streaming down uncontrollably again, and I wish I can hug you in this instant, but I can’t.

You turn around and give me a smile, and that is all I need to gain confidence in life again. I return your smile and nod strongly.

I let you down, but you haven’t forgotten our promise.

Because here you are with me, and you have always been, holding my hand and walking with me, even as I stumble through this dark valley.

Here you are with me, when I need you the most.

Thank you, Naeun, thank you. I wish I can tell you that everyday. And I love you, too.

 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. - Ephesians 4:2

 

A/N: Please do give me your valuable comments ^^ I like to know what you guys think :)