coincidences; seven days
Convenience Store
coincidences; seven days
(convenience store)
MONDAY
31st January
Myungsoo swallows a bunch of pills and dies, period.
TUESDAY
1st January, 3 years back
Su Ji moves into an apartment. It’s white and blank, just like her family’s relationship. Outside her door is a heavy envelope, containing enough money for a week’s worth of groceries, bills and personal shopping. There’s a letter promising a check once she gets a bank account. Su Ji thinks it’s funny. She already has a bank account.
Su Ji is hungry. She decides to go downstairs and see what kind of restaurants are around her neighbourhood. Her hunger gets the better of her though, so she heads to the first shop selling food that she can find. It’s a convenience store.
This is not an important memory in Su Ji’s life.
WEDNESDAY
9th January, still 3 years back
Today Su Ji is running late. She has forgotten that the only alarm she has is on her phone. This would be perfectly fine, if her phone wasn’t charging and switched off. Su Ji grabs whatever she is lucky enough to have left in her bag and heads off. Luckily, she remembers her wallet.
(There’s actually a lot of stuff in Su Ji’s bag because she hasn’t started on that assignment which is due tomorrow. She pretends it’s fine though.)
Because she is hungry and Su Ji does not often miss out on breakfast, she goes to the local convenience store and buys a small bottle of soy milk and a packet of chips. This is breakfast.
The boy behind the counter is in long sleeves, which is appropriate because the weather is very, very cold today. His hands tremble. It must be very cold in his store.
“Thank you,” is the first thing Su Ji murmurs that day.
(She’s actually forgotten her keys in her rush and ends up having to a call the landlord to borrow the spare key. She waits inside the convenience store, pretending to look at the vacuum sealed food. The landlord scolds her, Su Ji apologises, and if she’d been focusing, she’d know that the person who served her that morning has been smiling in amusement at her the whole time.)
THURSDAY
17th January, continuously 3 years back
Su Ji runs out of tissues in her apartment. She buys some from the convenience store.
(They’re cheap, so she buys five.)
FRIDAY
8th February, again 3 years back
Su Ji comes into the store in tears. The server (the same boy who’s served her many times before), asks her what’s wrong. Su Ji is such a frequent visitor to the store that she feels as if she knows the cashier personally. She tells the stranger about her life.
“My mum’s found out,” she sobs. The boy doesn’t really ask for anything more, so she tells the story in her own little way. Su Ji is easily distracted.
“My mum’s found out because today she and dad usually give me money but I forgot to remind them, just like how I forgot my assignment – the lecturer has given me an extension. I’m lucky, you know – there’s a girl in my class named Fei and she’s really nice. She let me copy her notes because I was falling behind. I think that was really kind of her. Today I need some fishcake because I think it’d taste really nice with noodles, you know? I should buy a new watch, that’s what mum said. Little Junhong is born on the 2nd of October; I need to remember that because I tend to forget to buy him a present. The last time I forgot he didn’t talk to me for the whole day.”
It’s not really related, but the boy nods anyway.
“I should write that on my hand, shouldn’t I? Here, I’ll buy a marker. I’ll buy some radishes too – how many do you think? Two? Three? I’m not sure.”
Su Ji leaves the store with a little too much.
“Thank you,” she says, “Thank you for listening.”
(What she should have said is, ‘are you okay?’)
SATURDAY
7th June, once always and foremost 3 years back
Su Ji has broken the sandals she wears around the house. In honesty, she isn’t very upset. Her scandals, the pink bunny ones, have needed a replacement for awhile now. The ears of the rabbits at her toes are no long white – they now resemble a grey tone. The pink which once shone is now fading away. Today she is determined to get started on her assignment – due a few days back – so she has little time to waste. The convenience store, she realises, has very cheap, simple sandals.
She buys them.
The boy is again in long-sleeves. There are wristbands on his left arm. His hair looks like he’s just woken up. The air-con must be really cold – perhaps it’s his uniform policy. Su Ji herself is in shorts. The weather’s very hot today. No one in their right mind would wear a long sleeve top.
“It’s horrible leaving assignments til last minute, isn’t it?” For someone who has a lot of work to do, Su Ji remains talkative. “I mean, today’s such a nice day – I wish I’d done it sooner, so I could go out. Fei was right; I can’t just shove two weeks worth of work into a single day.”
(She does.)
SUNDAY
October, Bae Su Ji forgot to write the exact date, 3 years back
“Our shop is having a small raffle,” the boy explains, “It’s to attract customers. You could win a large model of Totoro. Will you enter?”
Su Ji thinks it might be fun. She visits the shop a lot, after all. Su Ji buys twenty tickets.
She laughs when she catches the boy’s confused glance. “I must seem weird, buying so many tickets, right? I’ve always wanted to win a raffle though.”
The boy nods. If Su Ji had read his tag she’d know his name was Myungsoo.
MONDAY
24th November, 3 years ago
Su Ji brings a big Totoro back home.
MONDAY
24th November, 3 years ago
Myungsoo has no money. His mother calls.
“Myungsoo?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
TUESDAY
11th August, 17 years before 3 years ago (20 years ago from present time)
Myungsoo’s little brother is born.
Myungsoo’s mother runs away.
“He’s different,” Myungsoo’s father says.
Myungsoo is very sad.
WEDNESDAY
8th April, 2 years ago
“Money won’t win my heart,” Su Ji says coldly. It’s the first time the cashier at the convenience store has heard her speak so icily. He knows her as a very bright, chatty person. Su Ji glares at the phone.
“Yes,” the voice on the other side says patiently. It’s her Dad. “But it’s the only reason you’d answer my calls now, isn’t it?”
Su Ji screams into the phone. It scares the cashier. “You’re the one who ruined our family!” Her breaths are uneven, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that.”
“Bae Su Ji, I told you – it wasn’t my fault. I just stopped loving your mother. You said so yourself – you can’t choose who you fall in and out of love with. Do you remember? That time you brought home that boy, Shin Wonho – that was his name, right? You told me those exact same words when your mother said she didn’t like him.”
“This is different,” Su Ji says stiffly.
“How, dear, how?”
“I didn’t create a family with him.”
THURSDAY
28th May, once 2 years ago
Su Ji is in a bad mood. Myungsoo learns that she is very scary when she’s angry.
“I wonder,” he questions softly, “Are we alone in this world?”
Su Ji thinks back to her parents’ relationship, her father’s new woman and the debt accumulating in her account.
“Yes,” she says stiffly, “We are.”
(That was the wrong answer.)
FRIDAY
5th June, back to 2 years ago
Su Ji buys seven packets of instant ramen and a new kettle to replace the old one Fei still hasn’t given back to her. She buys them from the convenience store – the same one she’s been to for over a year. Today Su Ji is in a good mood.
“Isn’t the weather hot?” she asks casually. Su Ji fans herself with her hand while the cashier politely nods. “Say, it’s such good weather – do you happen to have any plans for today?”
“Pretty much this,” the boy replies, gesturing towards the shop. He’s around her age. She wonders if he’s ever gone to university.
“That’s a shame.” She tosses a lollipop into the pile of ramen and her new kettle. Once she’s paid, she hands it to him. “A bit of summer for you,” she jokes.
The boy nods. If she’d been focusing, she’s notice that when his wristbands slide down his arm, there are red marks near his wrist.
SATURDAY
18th July, 2 years back
Today Su Ji types up her assignment.
This is, like most days, a very unimportant memory which her mind will soon erase.
(But she is happy, today.)
SUNDAY
23rd May, 18 years ago
Myungsoo sees red marks on his older cousin’s arm.
“What are those?” He asks.
His cousin says, “Battle scars.”
This interests the young boy.
“Who was the battle against?”
“Myself.”
MONDAY
22nd May, 16 years ago
The same older cousin dies.
This is a remarkable day in Myungsoo’s life (in a bad way).
TUESDAY
1st February
Su Ji receives a letter in the mail. It has all been carefully planned.
WEDNESDAY
8th July, 20 years ago
“I can’t take it!” Mrs Kim yells. Myungsoo’s sleeping. “I can’t take it anymore!”
She throws a bowl at the wall near her husband in anger. He doesn’t even flinch.
“Calm down,” he says. It’s easier said than done.
“I can’t take it!” She shrieks. She clutches her stomach, fingernails sharp. “Why’d I give birth to him? Why, why, why?!”
Her hands grip the skin near her belly. Sharp nails claw and rip through the flesh. Myungsoo’s father grasps her hands tightly before she can do any damage. He loves her. He really does.
“It’s my fault,” she cries, “It’s all my fault. I created him – he was born in my stomach! It’s all my fault. I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry. Why did I do that? I’ve created a monster. I’ve created a horrible, horrible creature. I’m ruined everything!”
There are tears – hot, salty, painful tears. They flow down her cheeks. She struggles to speak.
“It’s okay,” he soothes, “it’s okay. It’s really okay.” His hands prevent her from hurting herself more. “It’s okay. We’ll still be a happy family. It’s okay dear, we can still do it. He doesn’t have to be perfect for us too. It’s fine dear, it’s fine. Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.”
He embraces her in a tight, warm hug, as if trying to reassure her. He’s strong, he can manage. He can be happy for the two of them. It’ll be enough.
(Myungsoo’s not asleep though. He hears everything – every single word said. He doesn’t know it’s about Moonsoo.)
THURSDAY
28th May, 2 years ago (this date should be familiar)
Myungsoo lies when he tells himself this will be the last time.
“We’re alone in this world,” he whispers.
The blade moves from his arms to his legs to his stomach. There’s blood on his bathroom floor – the tiles are no longer white. White, white, white – can something be white? Please? Relief, the weird kind, fills him when the blood drips off his body. It brings to him to higher places, brings him to a world he doesn’t quite know. Myungsoo continues. It feels better now.
The phone’s ringing. Myungsoo ignores it. He hasn’t gotten time to record a proper message.
“The person you have called is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep.”
The voice which follows is familiar – sickening even.
“Myungsoo, it’s your mother. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
FRIDAY
2nd October, still 2 years ago
“Good morning,” Myungsoo greets.
Su Ji gives him the best smile she can (it’s not very believable) and she buys a packet of honey coated crackers.
“Today’s my exam,” she explains, opening the packet immediately. She offers some to Myungsoo, who politely declines, “I need some comfort food. These are my favourite.”
They’re actually Myungsoo’s favourite too.
She leaves a post-it note on his table. A smiley-face has been drawn in a black marker.
(If Myungsoo was focusing, he’d know that it was the exact same marker Su Ji had bought from him the day she’d come into the store in tears.)
FRIDAY
2nd October, same day
Su Ji has forgotten Junhong’s birthday. It doesn’t matter though – she’s never seeing him again.
SATURDAY
9th February, 3 years ago
Su Ji’s dad packs up his bags and leaves. Su Ji doesn’t see her cousins ever again.
SUNDAY
15th November, 2 years ago
Su Ji wouldn’t remember, but that year the 15th of November was actually a Sunday. The convenience store, oddly, closes a lot later on Sundays.
(Work helps Myungsoo take his mind off things.)
“Unlucky,” she chuckles lightly. To Su Ji, Sundays are the best days. She buys another lollipop, handing it to the boy. It’s watermelon flavoured. “Here, for good luck.”
Myungsoo smiles. On his way home he passes by a black cat. How many years of bad luck did it mean again? Myungsoo can’t remember.
(His bad luck comes two years later.)
MONDAY
8th February, only a year ago
Would you like to go on a date?
Myungsoo crumbles up the note, scowling. It’s probably from one of those giggling teenagers again – the silly high-schoolers who don’t buy anything and scare all the customers away. They’re always there, whispering and giggling when he fixes up one of the magazines they’ve knocked off in their laughter. He sees them fluttering their heavily painted eyelashes and smiling with their bright, unrealistic teeth. They’re probably playing a trick on him – he thinks they do it for laughs.
He doesn’t take these jokes lightly.
(If Myungsoo had been focusing, he’d know that the person who slipped him the note not-so-secretly had actually been Su Ji.)
TUESDAY
16th February, 8 days after the entry before (1 year ago)
Su Ji walks into the store, wondering if the cashier has seen her note. She sees him a lot – she’s not sure what day he works though. Something about him interests her. She’d like to know him better. Today she comes in and buys a few lollies, wondering if he feels the same way.
Clearly he doesn’t.
Su Ji pays distractedly, disappointed by her rejection. She doesn’t stare into his eyes, paying a little too much and leaving before she can receive her change and lollies.
She didn’t need them anyways.
WEDNESDAY
14th April, simply a year ago
Since the 18th of February (Su Ji’s good at remembering the days she’s been rejected), this is the first time she’s entered the convenience store. The boy smiles.
“Haven’t seen you in awhile,” he says.
“Yeah,” she replies. Her response is hesitant.
He doesn’t seem affected though. Did he even get her note? Or has he just assumed it was better for them to be polite strangers? She buys a cheap 30cm ruler (her one seems to have broken) and pays the boy the exact amount in cash.
Her father’s back to paying her bills (her school fees, her life).
“Can money win over your heart?” she wonders out loud.
Myungsoo thinks about his mother, her runaway, his brother, and his father’s preventable death.
“No,” he decides, “but it can certainly try.”
THURSDAY
6th May, one year too early
“How do you know where I live?” Myungsoo narrows his eyes, staring at the woman in front of him. His voice is sharp and abrupt – so much that it makes her flinch.
She stares at him helplessly, “Dear.”
“Go away,” he says coldly, “I don’t need you.”
He leaves the door open however, hoping she’ll try a little harder. She follows him in; watching as Myungsoo opens the bottom cabinet of his kitchen loudly, pulling out a large cardboard box. He stocks it with important items – with cooked chicken and rice and toys and a few pears as well as a plastic container full of typical kitchen utensils. He slams everything into the box loudly, picking it up and closing the door on his way out. His mother follows him again.
It’s funny, because when he was little he used to dream of following her.
Myungsoo walks out of the apartment, nodding curtly to his 50-year-old neighbour. He acknowledges her presence once, turning around just as he closes the building’s door.
“I don’t think you’d want to come,” his words are sharp, “I’m going to visit your other son.”
She immediately withdraws. Myungsoo scoffs. He knew she’d be like this, but it doesn’t stop him from trying.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers finally.
He scowls. “Sorry isn’t good enough.”
FRIDAY
6th January, 16 years ago
“Hey Dad?”
“Yes son?”
“Why did Mum leave?”
Myungsoo’s brother is next to him, quietly mumbling to himself. He’s brushing his fingers against each other, occasionally giggling when the sensation tickles. Myungsoo looks over to his father. There’s a newly bought pot plant between his legs. They’ve just been to his uncle’s place, and as a present, Myungsoo’s received a small orchard plant. He feels special.
Mr Kim’s eyes don’t leave the road. “Sometimes, people can’t handle the fate they’re provided with.”
“What do you mean Dad?”
“You’ll understand in time. What I’m trying to say is your mother couldn’t understand Moonsoo’s condition. He’s not like other boys you know – he’s special.”
Myungsoo nods. “Isn’t everyone special?”
“Yes, but your brother’s a little bit more special than they are.”
Myungsoo’s lips form a pout. “Aren’t I a little bit more special?”
“Of course you are son – we’re all special. Sorry, I seemed to have used the wrong term.” Through the rear-view mirror, Myungsoo catches a small quirk of the lips. His father continues. “There are just different types of special, and sometimes people can’t accept and understand how these different types of special are.” His father nods at his own words. “Your mother couldn’t understand Moonsoo’s type of special, so she ran away from it.”
Myungsoo nods, not quite understanding. “How come you didn’t run away?”
“Because I love you both, and that was more important than whether I could understand Moonsoo’s type of special or not.”
SATURDAY
24th July, one year ago
Su Ji buys a red bean flavoured ice-cream from the convenience store. She opens it there too. The lollipop she buys the cashier is strawberry flavoured.
Her phone rings just as the doors part for her. She steps outside before she answers the call.
“Su Ji?”
“Yes Dad?”
“I hurt you, didn’t I?”
“No, you broke up my family and broke Mum’s heart. Those things hurt me.” She stares up at the cloudless sky, sighing. How long had it been since she’d held her mother’s hand, smiling next to her father while her younger brother laughed at the size of her head? How long had it been since she stared up at the same, cloudless sky, wishing for nothing more?
She remembers the way their relationship started to break, like threads slowly falling apart. She remembers when her Dad’s smile was real and when he wasn’t always on his computer. The last picnic they’d had, when her whole family pretended they were okay – when they pretended they were happy.
(Su Ji thinks that at that moment, on the picnic, she’d convinced herself that they were a happy family. It hurt more because she had.)
SUNDAY
16th July, five years ago
Myungsoo’s father stops breathing.
(He’s been dead for awhile, but his body just keeps on taking in oxygen. That’s meant to mean he’s alive, but Myungsoo’s not sure anymore – if someone is no longer the person they are, are they really living?)
MONDAY
9th August, one year ago
I’m happy today, Myungsoo decides.
(He doesn’t remember this.)
TUESDAY
7th September, still a year ago
“Is it possible to smile when you’re sad?” Su Ji hears as she slides a small can of grass jelly across the counter. She looks up towards the cashier. Today it’s still unusually hot for autumn – she thinks the drink will cool her down.
“I think it is,” Su Ji says. She looks straight into the cashier’s eyes, watching the way they stare back. There’s little emotion in them – only a void of nothingness. Surprisingly, he’s still in a long-sleeve button down shirt, despite the hot weather. “If you want the people around you to think you’re fine, you’ll pretend for them.”
She buys another lollipop.
“Smile more,” she says. She forgets to add, and mean it.
WEDNESDAY
10th November, continuously a year ago
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Su Ji’s mother shrieks into the phone, “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
Su Ji’s in her apartment now – the one that’s still as white as it was when she first moved in. Her house has two kettles now, because Fei has returned the one she borrowed, and there’s nothing much in her house but sketches and designs and fabric. Su Ji’s studying applied design.
Her mother’s voice almost costs her the assignment worth 50% of her final mark – almost. The scissors narrowly miss the high tea inspired dress. Su Ji puts them down before she hurts herself. She repositions the phone, sitting near her kitchen bench.
“I wanted to protect you,” she says quietly.
“By keeping this information away from me?!” Her mother’s hysterical now. “By keeping the fact that your father was cheating on me behind my back away from my ears? Tell me, Su Ji, how on Earth did you think that would help me?”
Su Ji doesn’t know how to respond.
“God, you’re so stupid!”
She hangs up at this. She closes her phone angrily and stares at the wall opposite her. She stares and tries to blink away the tears. It hurts, hearing this from her mother. It hurts a lot. Su Ji doesn’t talk at all that day. She forgets about her assignment and the dress she’s worked so hard on. Su Ji’s frustrated and angry and tired. When she does decide to get up, the pins and fabric samples and threads fall from her lap. She slides the door leading to her balcony, throwing the expensive hair pin she’s never taken out of her hair down the fourth floor. It’s her Grandmother’s, a gift before she died. Su Ji regrets it instantly, but only after she hears the satisfying thud it makes against the pavement.
Su Ji sobs against the balcony, hoping for a better day.
(Today she decides that no, you can’t smile just because you want someone else to be happy.)
THURSDAY
18th November, a year ago
Myungsoo notices that the hair pin in Su Ji’s hair is no longer there. He doesn’t dare to ask though. There’s something fake about Su Ji’s bright smile.
(If only he focused on other things, like the way Su Ji smiled only for him.)
FRIDAY
31st December, a year ago
“Make a wish, sweetie.”
An old woman in a red scarf and black skirt smiles at him, her hands clasped together. The stars twinkle in the sky, pretty like a young girl’s dress.
Myungsoo declines politely. “My wishes can’t come true.”
SATURDAY
25th December, only a year ago
“Merry Christmas,” a boy says.
Su Ji turns around, trying to give him a smile. She feels distracted today. “Merry Christmas to you too.”
It doesn’t feel like a very happy event.
She tries to forget everything by going out with her old high school friends, smiling and laughing and trying to push all the bad thoughts as far away from her mind as possible. Min, a girl who used to be her best friend, tells her that her dad will pick them all up and drive them home respectively.
Su Ji kindly declines, saying she’ll get back herself. She doesn’t want to see another happy family.
(If only Su Ji had been focusing, because then she’d know it was Myungsoo, the cashier, who’d wished her a Merry Christmas.)
SUNDAY
2nd January, surprisingly present time
“You’re open quick,” Su Ji quips. She tosses another lollipop into her pile of crackers. “Six am too – your boss must be really diligent.”
My boss is dead.
Myungsoo smiles, “Yeah, he is.”
Su Ji hands the lollipop to the cashier, just as she always does. His fingers brush against hers, and if Myungsoo had been focusing, he would’ve realised that there was a small blush on her face when they did. It’s become a habit, for Su Ji to buy a lollipop every time she enters the store. He bids her a good day.
(If he’d been focusing, he’d know she’s hoping that wish is only for her.)
Myungsoo laughs when she leaves. There’s no humour in his voice.
“Dad, she said you’re diligent. She was right, wasn’t she? You looked after me and Moonsoo after all. Pathetic, useless me, and hopeless, stupid Moonsoo – it was a wonder you didn’t go mad sooner.”
MONDAY
10th January
“Hey Moonsoo.”
The teenager turns around, his smile growing wider.
“Myungsoo,” he says, “Myungsoo.”
Myungsoo chuckles, ruffling the younger boy’s hair. He gives a nod to the nurse, who excuses herself quietly. Myungsoo smiles, “Have you had morning tea yet?”
Moonsoo stares at his fingers, watching in amusement as they shake with his hand, “Not yet.”
“Pear or cheese then?”
“Cheese!”
Myungsoo nods, reaching into the cardboard box he’s brought. He pulls out a slice of plastic cheese, chuckling as his brother eagerly grabs it. Moonsoo smiles.
“Do you remember what to say?” Myungsoo teases.
“Thank you!”
He nods, “Good job.”
At the end of his visit he catches sight of his mother. She stands outside the home, as if unsure whether she should enter or not. Myungsoo scoffs.
“Don’t even bother,” he says, “We don’t need you.”
His mother’s trembling hand holds up a letter. Myungsoo can recognise the round, thick handwriting anywhere.
“Your dad made me promise.” She tells him.
“My dad also made you promise that you’d be with him, in sickness and in health. Tell me now, where did that go?” Myungsoo laughs when she can’t respond.
“Myungsoo I-“
“No, you don’t! You’re not, you’re not sorry, you don’t care and you’re just useless. Go away. I don’t need you – we don’t need you. Not anymore Mum, not anymore.” Myungsoo shakes in anger. He can’t stop. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I was born – I’m sorry Moonsoo was born. I’m sorry you couldn’t take it and I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough reason to stay. I’m sorry I killed your husband and I’m sorry I made you run away. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry; I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
Myungsoo walks away from her, and he doesn’t look back. (She doesn’t deserve to see his tears.)
TUESDAY
18th January
Su Ji is the last customer to come. She comes in late because she’s forgotten that there’s no more (instant) food in her cupboard and she needs dinner. Su Ji buys some packaged udon and gives him a lollipop.
“For good luck,” she says again.
That night Myungsoo can’t take it so he goes to the bathroom again and starts cutting because it feels so good when everything else doesn’t. He feels the blade against his wrist, and he can’t help himself anymore, even when he’s said he wouldn’t. And then there’s blood, lots of it, dripping onto the tiles he’ll have to clean and against the shirt he’s going to have to throw away (again). Myungsoo can’t think because this is the only thing which helps him breathe when everything else is choking him.
(It’s the first time he’s cut on the exact same day when Su Ji gives him a lollipop.)
The 18th of January is a Tuesday.
WEDNESDAY
19th January
Myungsoo thinks about last night.
No one understands.
WEDNESDAY
19th January
Su Ji stops going to the convenience store because she has an exam on the 31st and for some reason going to the convenience store distracts her.
(Maybe it’s the cashier, but he changes all the time – doesn’t he?)
THURSDAY
27th January
It’s the longest Myungsoo’s gone without seeing the girl in the convenience store. He’s not sure anymore. His days aren’t very interesting.
He wonders what it’d be like to take his life.
FRIDAY
28th January
“You killed him.”
Myungsoo’s words are short and simple.
His mother looks at him in horror, as if she’s known all along but didn’t want to admit it to herself. Her eyes are worried, they’re panicked and it seems she doesn’t know what to do. Myungsoo stares at her.
“You killed him,” he repeats.
“I didn’t, I didn’t mean too.”
“But you did.”
She closes her eyes, nodding in confirmation.
There’s a silence between them. The only thing Myungsoo can hear is the tapping of fingernails against the plastic separators.
Myungsoo sighs. He feels empty.
“He ruined our life Myungsoo,” she says softly. It’s his mum, he’s coming to realise. “He ruined the life we could’ve had – just you, me and your father. It would’ve been fine if he wasn’t born. We would’ve been fine.”
She looks over to him, looking for confirmation.
Myungsoo simply shakes his head. “No, Mum, it wouldn’t.”
He puts down the phone, ignoring her scared eyes from behind the glass screen. Visiting hours are over, and Myungsoo’s never coming back.
(He cuts himself again, because it all hurts and his mother just killed his baby brother.)
SATURDAY
29th January
“Is that all?” Myungsoo asks.
The man nods. He hands over the few coins needed to pay for the little bottle of soy milk. He then leaves.
(Surprisingly, this is a memorable moment in Myungsoo’s mind.)
SUNDAY
30th January
Late at night Myungsoo tries to list the reasons he has for living.
He finds none.
MONDAY
31st January
There are so many things Su Ji could remember about Myungsoo, but the one she does is what he does today.
TUESDAY
1st February
Dear Su Ji,
I think you might wonder who I am – you don’t know, do you? My name is Myungsoo, and I’ve been serving you for the past three years at the convenience store you love so much. I don’t know why I’m writing to you, since we barely exchange words, but I think you’re the only one I can consider a friend.
It’s funny, because we were nothing close.
I want you to know that my reasons for doing what I did are actually logical. You know, really, I think they make a lot of sense. You see, I have nothing more to live for. My father is dead. My mother is insane and jailed. My brother has been killed by my mother and my friends have moved away for better things. I don’t have qualifications – my Dad died before I could get my degree. I had to support my brother. I have no future – only a convenience store and a past. Do you see now? There is not one person who could care if I am dead.
I’m nothing. Just a waste of space – I inhale and consume too much oxygen. There’s no reason for me to stay.
My actions, I see now, will have no affect on anyone. Who really loves me now? Who really cares? I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or trying to justify my death when I am already dead, but I guess I just wanted to write out my feelings.
I want you to know that you’re probably the most important and exciting thing that’s happened in my dreary life at the convenience store. I want to thank you for the little bits of your life you’ve shared with me, even if they were accidental. I’m glad you told me.
I have little important memories about you – they’re probably all jumbled now, but I know you have been a very kind figure in my life. The moments we spent together are rather forgettable, but your lasting impression, however, was not.
I cannot recall what you’ve done, but you’re a very, very important person.
Thank you,
Myungsoo.
Su Ji reads his letter three times.
(If only he’d seen her note, if only he’d realised the one wanting to go on a date was her. If only they’d grown closer and became better friends so that he would think of her a reason to live. If only he’d realised how much she’d loved him. If only she’d realised who he was. If only she’d tried harder, she’d done more – if only they’d gotten closer.
If only they’d been focusing.)
Today, she starts cutting herself. It makes her feel better.
WEDNESDAY
32nd January
Su Ji tells Myungsoo that he’s not alone and she hugs him. He likes the way her warmth makes his body feel the same way. He hasn’t felt like this in awhile and neither has she and they’re both pretty broken but they’ll make it out okay.
They date today.
(The funny thing is that 32nd of January doesn’t exist.)
(A/N: Thank you for reading this far! I hope it wasn't too confusing/boring/word vomite-esque for you all. Some of this is based off real life, most of it isn't though. I hope you all have a good day I was actually serious this is about a convenience store. Thank you Nina for being there. Thank you, Mum, Dad and Angus, for teaching me acceptance through experience. Thank you all for reading, really. This was quite long.)
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