Silent Dreams

Her mind morphed into fiction, transporting her to another dimension in her mind where she would sing her heart out in front of a big audience. She imagined smiles of pride plastered on their faces, accompanied by an exploding standing of ovation.

She would then take a ninety degree bow with a grin of genuine happiness after singing beautifully with feelings flowing, them evident in her voice. She has always wanted to deliver feelings from her voice, but sadly she could only accomplish that in her dreams. She has always yearned and strived to sing as beautiful as Lee Jeongmin.

There was something just so beautiful and wonderful about his voice.

He sang so well which gained the attention of the people in the town, acknowledging him as a talent from the gods. Some said he should be a singer, an idol with his blessed features. Some said he was too good to be an idol, it wouldn’t be deemed as justice.

Sojin thought he should stay and continue doing what he loved.

Whenever she fell into a deep peaceful slumber, Jeongmin would magically appear in her dreams with a bright smile that reached his mesmerizing brown orbs. “Come here,” he would say with a small gesture, “Sing with me,” she would then go towards him bravely and have a smell of his scent – of vanilla and honey. They would unite as one and sing a perfect dazzling harmony, anchoring their feelings into a duet song that was somehow engraved in their hearts.

It was only in her fairytale dreams where she could be with her role model and sing with him… or even sing. Her dreams were peculiar and far off – the fragments of her broken world and his perfect world didn’t fit like puzzle pieces in reality.

They didn’t match. Only in her dreams – anything could happen.

Only in her dreams.

He probably didn’t even know of her existence.

♥

It has been a long time since she had last stepped out of her house. The weather was extreme that Sojin had to cover herself up with four layers of thick winter clothing to blaze the freezing cold outside. She always preferred to stay at home where there would be warmth. However, she liked listening to the outside world and seeing the dazzling and pretty Christmas lights.

The heavy winter clothing hovered over her petite self, making it difficult for her to motion properly. Her silhouette appeared hilarious to her when she checked herself at the mirror. A little prayer was said in her heart before leaving the house – she prayed not to attract unwanted people’s attention and weird judgmental stares albeit already being accustomed to them.

It was a beautiful day – the snow was paltering down slowly from the skies, the pretty lights of the Christmas season daggled from high above, the lights sent her warmth. It would be a perfect day to sing . . . if only she could. She imagined Jeongmin singing a soft lullaby or a Christmas carol in his bedroom with a tender smile on his face. She hoped that he would enjoy this beautiful given day.

“Hi, welcome!”

A bubbly girl greeted her from the entrance of the supermarket, look who was excited for Christmas. Sojin’s response–a plain nod–was considered lifeless in comparison with the latter. Of course, the nonchalant expression on her face appalled the bubbly girl which left, despondent.

But what if she was really lifeless?

If she had to come clean, she was never a bubbly or lively person. Her personality was quiet and reserved – an introvert. Not many words would be exchanged within her group of friends but she didn’t mind. She preferred being silent to being hyper every time.

Her pair of ears was gifted with extreme sensitivity and she could easily pick up the commotion despite long distances. For instance, she could hear a baby wailing hysterically, a couple bickering over… milk (the girl wanted strawberry but the guy wanted chocolate), and a toddler asking her mother if she could get a bar of chocolate.

These noises, these chatters and these conversations accumulated to what Sojin would call life. These commotions gave out a vibe of life and she hoped that she too could be part of a pandemonium. But she was always off silent. Maybe she just had to accept her own self.  

From her corner of her eyes, she noticed two middle aged women gossiping loudly… about her. A sigh escaped from her chapped lips and her ears perked at their harsh judgments. “Rude,” “Spoilt brat,” “Teens these days,” were thrown at her but what could she do? Rebuttal wasn’t an option and so wasn’t defense. Thus, she has learnt to bottle them up–all the mean judgments, hurtful words and comments from the society–and keep quiet about them.

Some things were meant to be kept as a secret forever.

✉

The highest shelf of the music department caught her wavering attention and she tiptoed to reach for the particular item – in-ear monitors. She looked at the in-ear monitors in her hands, how she wished something as simple as this could help her critical condition. With it, she could hear herself clearer and belt out the highest and loudest notes that she could reach, but no, it wouldn't and couldn’t help one bit.

Pushing those uncanny thoughts aside, she shook her head and reminded herself that she still has to prepare for the surprise dinner at home. Minhyuk, her younger brother was returning from boarding school tomorrow night – Christmas’ Eve! She couldn’t be distracted like that.

With her earpieces stuck into her ears, she silently went around the supermarket hunting for the ingredients. Whenever she listened to music, it would embrace her, like the artists surrounded around her and sang to their fullest desire. One of her top Christmas wish was to sing, like the singers and idols she would see on TV, like artists recording and enjoying music, and like Lee Jeongmin who sang because he simply loved to.

Another reason she liked having music on was that people she didn’t know would keep their distance and wouldn’t try to hitch up a conversation with her.

Her trolley was full with the stuffs she needed and the only item missing was actually the main one. Recalling her experience at the ice cream shop few months ago with her brother, a smile played on her lips at the precious memories that left her heart fluttery. Desserts were always important – the number one in her list! Feeling achieved, she skipped to the freezer section in hope that they would have her newly discovered favourite flavour – chocolate mint.

Her fingers lingered on the cold icy glass door and ceased to drag them till she had reached the ice cream section. Just as she was about to open the glass door, a hand–so firm and strong enough to pull her away yet so soft–gripped onto the handle and opened the glass door.  

A glare was shot with her cold eyes and they followed the actions of the so called ice cream stealer – she had just come up with that name when he reached for the last tub of chocolate mint. From his huge fingers to his muscular yet skinny arms that built most of his body frame, her eyes tagged along and she shot daggers at his face.

That was until realization threw a brick at her.

The ice cream stealer was actually him.

Lee Jeongmin – the singer, her idol, her role model, the boy she admired.

She couldn’t believe her eyes – he was standing right in front of her eyes. She wanted to cry out of joy and anxiety.

Their eyes locked with each other and she stared into those wonderful eyes that she had dreamt of for the nth time just that day. A gasp urged to escape from her lips but when it did, no voice came out of her and all she could do was just look at him blankly, head cluttered with thoughts.

Sensing her stares, Jeongmin looked into her direction and immediately, he felt like the whole world had stopped. All he could see was her and everything else didn't matter at all. There was a very distinct aura emanating from her – it was a mixture of elegance and mystery. If people happened to stare closely at her, they would notice that behind those ordinary eyes of hers laid a story, a story yet to be told, a story that maybe she herself didn't even know about. He was still unaware of her identity or what actually created her to seem this mysterious and appealing but he was sure that he wanted to be able to answer all those questions of his someday.  

Then, he realized what he had done wrong–something a chivalrous and kind guy like him would deem as a sin– and exchanged a meek smile to her but her expression remained nonchalant. Seeing how she still had her hands mid-way to the glass door, he spoke while gesturing to the tub of chocolate mint ice cream.

“Do you want this?”

All of a sudden, the sweet dessert lost its importance in her heart upon seeing him. But of course, she still wanted it.  

Being the nice guy that he always was, he reached out for her hands, sending a thousand volts of electric currents down to her legs. He bit back a smile – what a way to get closer! He did a victory cheer in his mind.

“Then it's yours,” he said as he bent down to meet her eye level and handed her the tub of ice cream. He wouldn’t stop smiling and in any moment then, she swore his smile was blinding her. His smile was so genuine and dazzling – a kind she wouldn’t mind looking at for years.

Her heartbeat went erratic – crazy pounding and she found her cheeks blushing like mad. Her nonchalant act was soon going to fail.

Before she could make a fool in front of the boy she fancied, she grabbed the tub and swiftly released his grip off. Pushing her trolley like she was running for her life, she reached the counter quickly and paid for her items before he could even speak another word.

“That was kind of rude but she… wow,” he mumbled under his breath and scratched the back of his mind awkwardly, the smile on his face never leaving as he remembered how cute and mysterious she looked up close and how he had made her blush just by touching her hand.

She’s definitely one of a kind.

On the way back to her house, she suddenly decided to eat the tub of ice cream despite the weather. The abandoned park was the place where she would always seek for solitude. Slowing scooping spoonful of the minty goodness and putting it into as it slowly melted, she thought about her meeting with Jeongmin.

How? Wow.

She knew she was rude and inconsiderate, considering how he had generously offered her the last tub of ice cream. But she couldn’t talk to him because she would never be good enough for him so why should she even bother trying? There was no use anyway – he would always be too good, even as a friend.

“I'm not worthy for him,” she thought as she finished the last scoop of ice cream and dumped the tub into the trash can – dumping away her hopes of ever meeting him again. 

✹

He doesn’t even know my name.  

My feelings should stop – I can’t fall for him any deeper.

He’s too good. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to see him.

I don’t want to       c r y      over him.               He’s too nice and kind.

He sings so well, his voice is so beautiful and peaceful to listen to – I want to listen to his voice over and over again.

I don’t mind. I can’t stop.

Because I              l i k e      him so much.

He doesn’t like me.

Because he          s i n g s      so well, I want to be like him.

I can’t sing for goodness sake.

He           s m i l e s      so easily, nothing could ever pull his smile off.

I can’t never smile as bright as him.

He seems so        h a p p y      with whatever he has.

I hope his happiness would rub onto me. He seems so free and just genuinely happy.

I hope my              w i s h      comes true.

All I want for Christmas is to… be like him and be with him.

She loved writing on her notebooks, the felt black pen carving out fat cursive words of her inner feelings of melancholy. Could other people even comprehend what she was going through? A crush, an infatuation, how it would feel like when liking or admiring this guy whom she knew was impossible to even imagine with herself?

Her notebooks were of secrets, stashed in the box under her bed. No one knew about her notebooks and should anyone find out, then that would be the end. Her notebooks were things she would bring along to her deathbed.

Time was spent on writing about herself, her thoughts and feelings, her friends, her family and Lee Jeongmin. He was the only exception – being written the most. Carefully, she constructed every letter, every word, every sentence, every paragraph and every feeling she possessed for him.

However, despite how vividly she would describe about him, no amount of writing could even suffice because no combination of words and sentences could ever encompass just how much she yearned to be like him, to sing like him, to be as happy as him, to smile like him.

❋

She tried to be brighter, to be happier because of Jeongmin. She wanted to try and see a change in her dull life. Sometimes, there would be this growing desire to rewind time and go back to her childhood. There was a drastic change in her. She knew she used to be a bright and loud girl – screaming at the top of her voice to express her excitement for everything she witnessed. She would spend time singing nursery rhymes to her younger brother and they would both laugh at the slightest things ever.

However, people change – she changed the most.

Her younger brother, Minhyuk remained as that enthusiastic boy but dismally, she changed the most.

“Noona, let’s get some more of those chocolate and chocolate mint ice cream, please?” He pouted cutely with his aegyo striving to the very top. She could never resist her brother's charms but there was reluctance in her to visit the supermarket again.

“Even though I want to see him again.”

Those words were left unsaid.

Ever since their epic meeting that day, she has been avoiding that one place in fear that they would meet once again. If they do meet again, she would lose control of her feeble heart.

 “If you don’t want to bring me there, it’s fine but I would be so lonely at home… I’ll just go to my room – bye, I’m going up the stairs,” he jumped to his feet and took the first step of the stairs. “I’ll just go to my room and die of boredom and I–”

A sigh of disbelief escape from Sojin’s lips as she pulled her immature brother out the house and towards the place she has dreaded to go.

Stepping into the supermarket, her thundering heart skipped a beat. Will I meet him today? She thought anxiously as she walked to the shelves, her head turning of the opposite directions of left and right. Minhyuk was soon ahead of her tracks, skipping around the shelves in search for his chocolates.

“Noona! It's here! Why are you so slow?” He pointed at the aisle with his eyes glistening with contentment. Sojin rolled her eyes and ambled even slower to irritate him.

 “Eh? Hyung! What brings you here?” Minhyuk’s loud voice wafted through Sojin’s sensitive ears. Did he meet someone he knew?

“Hey! The guys and I were just bored so we went grocery shopping!”

That voice – that familiar soothing voice that she could surely recognized anywhere. With sneaky steps, she hid behind the aisle of drinks. Silently, she stole a peek at Jeongmin and Minhyuk, realizing that there were five other guys with them.

, it became more intimidating then. She didn’t want Minhyuk to start introducing her to them. That would be so embarrassing and awkward.

Her heart started to race, beating quickly non-stop and she patted her burning cheeks. She spun around, her back facing Jeongmin and five other guys. Who were they? Biting her lower lip in anxiety, she took small steps away from the aisle.

“Oh, noona is – hey noona, where are you going?” Minhyuk’s shriek grabbed everyone’s attention. She felt a pair of hands grabbing her gently and she shut her eyes forcefully.

“Don’t be shy – Jeongmin hyung is very nice. Wave hi,”

Wave hi? No.

Sojin wanted to dig a hole and bury herself in it. Minhyuk was obviously being so oblivious towards her objection. But since she couldn’t run away from this situation, she of course, waved a little hi and plastered a faint smile on her. The five boys greeted her with hellos and waves but Jeongmin stared at her blankly with an equally shocked face in front of her.

“Hyung, you know her?”

“Sort of – I saw her here yesterday.”

Soon, the five guys dispersed into singles or duos and Minhyuk left the two to have some quality time together, that’s exactly what he said.

“Hi, I’m Jeongmin! You are?” He offered her a handshake with that annoying smile played on his lips. She glared at his shoulder, wanting to run away and wanting her heart to stop pounding so hardly because it was starting to hurt.

His handshake was left neglected but he continued, answering her questions in her mind, “Minhyuk was a junior of mine at the boarding school. He’s a good kid.”

She nodded shortly and kept her distance from him. Her eyes wandered from the thousands of snacks and chocolates surrounding around her.

“Merry Christmas’ eve! How are you going to celebrate the actual thing tomorrow? I’m quite hyped up for it.”

His voice started to irritate her, she meant – how could it not irritate her? The way he made her stomach churn, the way his voice dazzled her, the way he made her want to listen to it forever. She wanted him to stop with the questions but she didn’t know how to tell him. Or maybe she just couldn’t.

She shrugged her shoulders casually at his question and took a step backwards. But him, being the stubborn guy that he was, took a step forward as well and minimized the gap between them.

“I think I’m annoying you… but I hope we can be friends!” He smiled wider, wanting to be less awkward with her. That nonchalant expression on her face remained unchanged and he was starting to become weary. She wasn’t responding well to him and he was starting to think that he irked her.

His smile faded and he sighed, unable to break the ice with her because she was being so stubborn. He walked towards her and grabbed her shoulders, something he himself too found astonishing. But his patience was faltering.

“Hey, is there something that I don’t know? I just want to be friends with you and you really-if you don’t want to, just say so...” he sighed again and she stared at him, blank as ever.

“Why aren’t you speaking…? Are you mute or something?” There was annoyance evident in his tone, he was just so frustrated.

What?

She stayed dumbfounded at his last question – how could he? She stifled a sob in, that nonchalant appearance faltering. That was the meanest and harshest thing anyone had spat at her. What hurt her even more was the fact that the statement was from the guy she liked, the guy she looked up to, the guy whose voice stole her heart away.

It was hard to believe that those words were voiced out by him.

Taking out her notebook from her bag pack, she could feel those eyes of confusion staring right at her. Oh, she brought her special notebook – the notebook where she would spend days and nights writing about him. Well, she felt pathetic investing so much time on it.

Yes, I can’t talk. I’m a mute since young. But that doesn’t mean that you can insult me. You don’t know me at all, you don’t know how I have to refrain myself from. I can’t speak and I can’t communicate with you properly. Do you care? You can’t just judge me like that. Stay away from me.

A teardrop fell onto the paper, smudging the last sentence on the word away. Mustering up all her faith and courage, she threw her whole notebook at his face, the significance lowering as well and ran away, away from him with her heart gnawing in agony. 

It was impossible for Sojin to fathom that Jeongmin had actually made that mean comment. She never imagined him being so rude and direct. She has always thought of him as a dream but when reality started to kick in, she realized that her dreams and reality were literally two worlds apart.

✹

Finally, 25th December arrived – Christmas. The occasion was meant for everyone to be spending the time of their lives with their love ones. Seeing everyone feeling loved and treasuring one another was just beyond beautiful.

However, what was Sojin doing instead? She was at home, staring blankly out of her frosted glass window with her door shut locked. It had already been a day – herself locked within the four ivory walls and no interaction what so ever. Minhyuk was worried but she couldn’t help it – not knowing how to explain her brother or what to do in her life anymore.

Lee Jeongmin has always taken a big portion of her life: he was her driving force, inspiring her to endure all those harsh comments made herself shrink smaller and smaller each time. However, a dream or thought of him would send her heart pounding hard and strong again and no one could ever replace that now empty space in her heart. 

She didn’t even know why she admired and fancied him so much. They had only shared a small interaction during the two meetings. She didn’t even know much about him.

But maybe it was because of her dreams – he would always be there, singing so beautifully. Maybe that was what captivated her. He was just so perfect. She knew she sounded stupid, having fallen for a guy who appeared in her dreams. But she couldn’t turn away – her liking and admiration for him were prominent.

“Noona? I know you are in there and I won’t question you anything okay? I'm worried – worried about you… I just want to see my pretty noona happy okay?” Sojin heard him but remained silent, not even budging a single inch. “Noona…?” Minhyuk called out softly again, this time knocking on the hollow door several times but still no reaction from her.

There was a tugging at her heart, crying out for her to unlock the door but her conscience didn’t relent. Her mind was in a clutter–there were so many questions left unasked and so many things she wanted to probe about–so she just stayed under her covers and looked out of her window. Her knees clutched closed to her chest, listening to her brother's words as she sobbed silently and thought, “At least someone cares about me.”

She didn’t know why she was shedding tears, this would just add on to her list of questions left unasked.

“Noona, I'm going to go out with the guys, but please be careful – don't do anything stupid and at least eat something? I left some breakfast outside. Oh, and Merry Christmas, Noona!” She heard staggers, hesitance evident in them. She was making Minhyuk worry so much and guilt was beginning to stab her in her chest.

As soon as she heard the main door downstairs shut softly, she looked down the window just to be sure he has left but what caught her attention wasn't that – there was a particular boy who retreated from the group and walked back towards her house. She couldn’t really decipher what he was doing and her view was obstructed but she caught a sad smile – a mild smile and her heart ached for whatever silly reason.

She didn’t like seeing him sad.

His silhouette appeared smaller as he walked away from her doorstep and she jumped from her bed to look at him clearly as he walked away with his head down. Her heart pounded loudly, ready to jump out of her chest. Something was missing.

His dazzling bright smile.

And she realized something.

Not only did she like him as a role model, she also loved him so much that a day without him felt like she was dying, like a part of her was missing. Her hand clutched hard at her gnawing heart.  

“I-I love him,” she choked on her sobs. She rushed out of her room at her fullest speed, only to open the door to face disappointment. The street was empty – they had already left. 

Guess she was a tad slow.

But she noticed a white teddy bear sitting by the small steps, a red scarf with white hearts surrounding around its neck. Beside it laid a pretty rose and a blue envelope with her name Sojin engraved on it.

Wow was her first reaction. Then, she started to shiver, her teeth chattering. She forgot to throw on a jacket before coming out. She needed to go in soon before she could get a frost bite. Picking everything up gingerly, she brought them in slowly with care, as if they were her most valuable things and went up to her room. 

Were all these Christmas presents… from him?

Her hands started to shiver again, not because it was cold but because of excitement and anticipation. She slowly opened the envelope first and out revealed a hand-made card that was simple yet nice, just the way she liked it. 

Her heart skipped a beat before she could even open it. But she hesitated, what if there was something mean in his card?

She could care less.

Sojin, firstly Merry Christmas! I'm sorry for being such a jerk yesterday… I never knew about your condition. Therefore, I said things I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry for exploding at you, I am really regretful for saying something that mean to you… I’m not that kind of guy – I do understand your feelings. I hope you’ll forgive me. But it’s okay if you don’t, I mean I was really rude yesterday.

And… I read your notebook – every single page and thank you so much for admiring me. Your writing is so beautiful. You could really become an author or journalist. I’ll read all of your works! I was blown away by the way you described me. It’s really beautiful and I really appreciate it.

I’m still very sorry about yesterday.

But do you still want to be friends with me?

I hope we could.

Thank you for everything, Sojin.

I can help you fulfil your dream to sing.

I know this is a really cliché way to tell you but…

I like you.

Do you want to go out with me? Forget about the friends question.

-        Lee Jeongmin.

The world stopped. Time stopped. Her heart skipped a beat. Her wish came true.

Nothing could erase that smile off Sojin’s face. She smiled too widely that her cheeks began to hurt. Then, she realized that she hasn’t smiled this way for so long. It felt great – everything was perfect then. Her appetite returned and she gobbled down her cereal within seconds. The text reply from Minhyuk made her grin even wider and she felt this fuzzy feeling in her chest.

She threw layers of winter clothing on herself, still with that smile plastered on her face. She felt warmth in the comfort of her happily beating heart. Jeongmin liked her too! What more could she ask for? At first, the confession was appalling. Why would he like a mute girl?

She carried the teddy bear and pressed on its tummy. Jeongmin’s acapella would echo from the bear and she felt the fuzzy feeling in her chest again.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is

You

His melodious voice echoed in her mind and a blush reached her cheeks because it felt like he was really here in her room. She could listen to him speak or sing all day. In her heart, she sang with him.

Her dream really came true.

“I hope you had read the letter first because then, you wouldn’t be confused,” he let out a chuckle. “I like a girl who writes about me secretively, who writes so beautifully, whose heart is so innocent and genuine. From the first time I met you, your eyes gave off a different feeling and I was already captivated by you. You didn’t speak and you were oh so mysterious. And I want to know more about you and learn about your likings and dislikes. Then, we met again. I think it’s fate. The next day – on Christmas’ eve. I shouted at you and you threw me your notebook. I read it and I fell in love with you. I am still very sorry for shouting at you. Do you forgive me? Now, I wonder – will we meet again on Christmas…? I love you.”

♥

A knock on the door and she was met with him – her dream. She looked down, blushing madly. There was a gasp from the latter and she giggled silently.

“We meet again! I’m guessing you had already received your gifts?”

She looked into his eyes and nodded. On his lips were plastered with what she deemed as the most beautiful smile she has ever laid her eyes on. Of course, she returned the smile back and he ruffled her hair playfully. He had no idea how much she loved how he ruffled her hair.

“It’s good to see you smile.”

She handed him a thin notebook and he smiled, knowing her answer to his question.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams, you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

You’re always in my dreams, and I have always dreamt and wished to sing with you or even be with you. You’re my rainbow who appeared into my life after the rain, smiling through. I am happy that I kept on believing my dream – because now, it really came true. As long as I keep on believing, my dreams will come true and one day, I will be able to sing with you. Merry Christmas and I love you too.

THE END 

hi, myungbaekisses here. it's finally christmas and i'm really sad, today has been an upsetting day for me. but i still hope you enjoyed this fic bcs yeshyesh and i have put a lot effort and thinking during these past days and our time zone differences oh damn, so troublesome >.< and did you guys see the cinderella reference at the end? i am a genius okay bbyong won't dwell on this any longer... 

Yeshyesh here!:) how was your Christmas? I didn't have any presents this year:( but! I received the love from readers!:) the gift of love!:D LOL I'm so lame. Anyway enjoy and please check out This Christmas - a Christmas fanfic that I wrote as well:)  yeah the time difference was horrible, I'm in America and she's in Singapore:( I have to wake up early and sleep late and so did she, please comment and sub more if you liked it!:) 

-yeshyesh