I didn’t

I didn’t understand any of this

I actually still don’t

 

I tried to

Many times

In many ways

To get somehow

Someway

Sometime

To really understand your motivations.

 

 

 

But with no solution

Just failing

Again

And again

.

.

.

And back again

 

 

It hurts

Inside

Ouside

 

My brain

My soul

My heart

My body

 

 

Everything hurts

In a way nobody

And I mean it when I say nobody

Can imagine

 

 

As stupid

As hopeless

As pathetic as I sound

Cause indeed

I am

I always was

And always will be pathetic

.

.

.

.

I couldn’t understand him

What was he thinking

What was he trying to do

What was he planning from the start

Nothing

 

Even I had problems understanding my own self

My own thoughts

My own feelings

 

I felt as if someone else was inside me

I felt like an unneeded stranger inside my body

 

I tried hard to control my actions

My ideas

My words

But like always

 

Failure

 

I had enough

Enough of my pitchy self

Enough of him

Of the feelings he keeps causing me

Of the emotions I have inside for him

 

 

I know

I know well that I’m still not deep in

But still

I’m just

Just paper thin away

It’s dangerous

Too dangerous for my sensitive woeful heart

 I know I fell already

Getting attached to him

Nearly obsessed with his smile

His voice

His everything

 

 

I keep promising myself i'd forget him

But then he has

He has to comeback

Even after weeks since the last time we even said Hi

A simple Hi

 

Yet the morning I promise I’ll forget all about him

He will comeback

To haunt me

Haunt my soul

Haunt my heart

With that angelic voice of his

With that sweet smile of his

 

“Good Morning Donghae, How Are You Today? Oh hey how was your....."

 

And again he is haunting my mind

And all my thoughts of forgetting him

All disappears like flames in the dark

 

 

 

Many

And again many of the people knowing my “small crush” on him

They keep telling the same old thing everyday

Every minute

Every second

 

“why are you even interested in him? He is pretty much a little handsome, but come on even his personality is too cocky for you, he is a big show off, I mean seriously what are you thin-….”

I’ll just send unconsciously a dirty glare pointed at my friends

I’ll try hard not to show them how weak and  feeble I am

 

If only I was able to know what I’m thinking

What I’m feeling

Maybe

Just maybe I‘d finally get myself

Get what is going on

And why do I keep failing at forgetting him

It’s hard

Again I whine

It’s hard

And I had enough

Yet why am I now backing away?

It’s like he knows me better than my own self

 

He knows I’m a hopeless lovestruck puppy for him

I’m not in love

But I’m near to be

If he doesn’t stay away

I try to push him away

Yet nothing

Just total failure

Again

And again

 

 

 

I think I’m just going to end it already

I had enough I say again

And again

Why

Why

Why am I not able to hate him?

To forget him?

To omit him out of my brain?

 

He is even haunting my dreams now

Just yesterday

I dreamt of him being a jealous gentleman

My jealous gentleman

Telling the whole world that he loves only me

that nobody has right to even touch my hand except him

That he cares for only me

That he smiles for only me

Me

And only me

 

 

 

Then why

Why does he have to use me like this

Once being my handsome angel who takes my breath away

make my heart skip a beat no matter how i try to stop its harsh beating

I can’t remember even once of me caring about his appearance

I was all for his personality

I thought

I thought he was different

A complete different person

My unique person

But I was stupid

He was like all of them

i was so stupid

Stupid enough to believe he was the one

And my stupidity is just getting worst

i'm a fool

Why

Why is it like this?!

 

 

Finally

I told a friend

A very close friend I never thought I could trust that much

he gave me advices

advices I needed so bad

he keeps trying to pick up my broken pieces

yet nothing

nothing at all helps

cause I know

I know

I am just not worth it

He keeps calling me invaluable

That everyone would kill to be with me

 

But he's wrong

He is so wrong

I guess he is just blind

Actually too blind

Cause if I had just a small value

I wouldn’t be this depressed

Even depression, melancholy, all these words, can’t describe my “overload sadness”

I’m pathetic

 

But I will stop it all now

I should stop it all no matter what

Lee Hyukjae

You are nothing to me

 

 

 

“D-donghae?!......are you okay? Hey Hae! Oh God what's wrong?.....”

WHY?!!! Why do you hate me so much you ing prick, you bastard?

 

“umm?! N-neh Hyukjae? Ah nothing j-just sick tod-…….”

“oh okay…..”

Then you just leave

And i

Hopelessly

With such anger

Such wroth

Such irritate

Such peeve

Such bleakness

 

keep Wishing

Being desperate for you to turn around

Not showing me your back while flirting with other girls

 

Why

Just why

Do you hate me this much?

If you did

Then why

Why did you choose me from all people that first day of English center?

Why did you give me false empty hopes?

It’s damn only your fault

Yours

And only yours

Since that day

That ty unfortunate day

 

Your eyes were glued to me

Only me

And I noticed your familiar face

Why did you follow me anywhere?!

Your class in school was next to mine

Last year

This year also

Your class in center was next to mine

Whenever I go out

I found you

Your face first of all

And I notice you of all

I am even scared I could even recognize your smell

This is wrong

And sick

And so wrong

And so ing sick

 

You came

I was with my female friend

And you came

She was prettier

All girls and guys around were better than me

Then why

Why me

You came

And touched tenderly my shoulder

Your eyes only glued to mine

I never knew you then besides that you were a new kid in my school

It was your junior year

And I was younger by two classes

And I just stared into your dreamy eyes yet looked down cause of my shy self, of my lack of self-esteem

I was near blushing when you chuckled a little

Your laugh was so sweet to my ears

I didn’t notice then what was with me

 

That’s why I despise myself

If only I did

If only I thought and solved my ideas

Maybe I would’ve fixed it all

Maybe I would’ve saved myself from your trap

Your dirty sly trap

 

“hey, umm..hi bro…can you help me find my class please?! I’m a little lost here…”

What if I was as new as you? knew nothing of anything?

Why ask me?

All teachers and workers were next to you

Why did you come to me

“oh yes of course wait her- hey aren’t you in our school?!” I said while pointing to me and my female classmate

And God how much I regret my question

 

“indeed I’m new in your school, your class is just next to mine”

“ahh well nice to meet you”

“nice to meet you too”

And again flashing that beautiful smile

It was beautiful to me

it's still beautiful to me

weird huh?.

 

 

 

i remember

so clearly that i didn't even give you second glance

i didn't care for you at all

you will always say hi

get closer to me

wink at me

touch my hand while caressing it softly

Sroke my hair a bit, or touch my shoulder

but i always cut our short conversations to even shorter with no interest

"Hey.....How Are you Hae?"

"good thnx and you?"

"fine so......"

"nothing, school um......"

and i just turn my eyes and look else where while my mind is flowding up the skies

you were just staring at my face

sighing, then just try to live up with the awkward tension around the air

 

 

i don't even know how

but our conversations got longer and longer

you told me many about you

and i told you some about me

i felt happy when you are happy

i felt sad when you are sad

when i saw you once near crying

i came up to you

up the school stairs

sat down next to you and listened to everything you say

how funny?! huh?

i can't even call myself a friend of yours

i'm just a stanger

you are Hyukjae

i'm Donghae

and we are stangers

who talk to each others

no matter what i do

 

 

 

and then you broke me more

when you got your girlfirend

a year older than you

you were all lovey dovey with her

flirting in school with no care

i despised her to the core

yet 

at the end

when you two broke up cause of studies and

i became good friends with her without even knowing how and when we came to talk

and you came back to me after months

oh by the way Hyukjae

i suffered from severe depression because of you

i cried myself to sleep do you know that huh?

did you care?

oh of course not

totally not

 

 

 

again

you cameback to mess with my head

oh you do so love messing with my head Lee freaking Hyukjae

you do so love to do that huh?!

 

you blocked my way down the stairs

infront of our middle and high schoolers

with no care of your reputation

with no care for mine 

you stood infront of me

our chests near touching

i could feel your minty warm breath on my face

i can even still remember the feeling

 

looking up i was met with your soft pumple rosy lips shaped in a sly smirk

seriously what were you thinking then Lee Hyukjae?

maybe something like

*oh there's Donghae lemme play with him a little hum.....that would be nice!*

 

i shifted to the other side of stairs to get away from you

you blocked my way again

letting out a low chuckle

"where are you going huh?"

trying hard not to glare up your eyes cause of all your ty teasing

"you do know that the place is pretty much huge no need to stand infront of me, Hyukjae"

"ahh oh well i love the view from up here, so i don't care i'll just stand here"

i should've slapped you hard at that second you jerk

i should've done it

screamed like a maniac in your face

asking why are you being like this to me

YOU LOVE MESSING ME HUH!

ughhh

 

"Donghae, you have sports today?"

"yeah i do-"

"play good okay, make me proud"

you smirked again, winked and went up after staring me up and down one last time

 

what the hell Lee Hyukjae? what's wrong with your brain?

what's wrong with mine?.

what are you doing to me?

 

 

 

And now I noticed all details

Why

Why were you this specific with me

Why

am i overreacting? looking into things too much?

just why

And now

 

Now you found better right?

Always glued to those sisters

 

Do you know?

Don’t you know?

i'm not making any sense now right?

but still

don't you know that those two "es"

That those two hurt me so damn much

One of them is my classmate

And her words

Her dark mean words were like a sharp knife to my heart

Yet you didn’t care

“hey did you noticed something; haha Donghae is so hopeless, I mean he on purpose waited then pushed himself on Hyukjae, like trying to get his attention, wahh so malicious, not cool, he disgusts me”

 

 

wahh i'm disgusting now huh?

nice record Donghae

nice record

when

When did I ever….

I never…..

Did

Or

Thought about that

How

How could she say so?

 

And again

After three months of depression last year

I again

Cried hard for you

In class

In home

 

 

I hate myself

Because of you

Yet

Why

Can’t I learn to hate you more?

Why?!

 

 

I don’t get you

Are you like a psychic spirit coming just to haunt me?

Or Are you like two souls stuck in one body?

Once someone

Then next another

Opposites!

I feel such dizziness

You will be the death of me one day

One day

 

 

Stop it all

Please

Stop

Stop

 

“oh Good Morning Hae, how are you?.........take care of yourself okay? for me!......."

I want to learn how to hate you dude i'm serious!

 

 

"Hi, How Are You?, Good? A Little Better?..........." 

And that was our last longest conversation

 

 

 

I’m stupid

I know

I’m pathetic

I know

 

I’m not worth it

I know

 

Be happy with those girls

themselves up all around you

then pretending to be the "innocent nice sisters"

i hate them both

i despise them

so damn much

add you in the list too

 

You like their attention huh?!

The spot light?!

oh well you!

 

 

Just please

Leave me alone

I’m trying to

 

I’m doing a progress

 

One way or another I am

 

Atleast I don’t think much about you

 

And me writing this right now

Seriously helps me calm down

 

I wish I would burn your picture

Burn your everything from inside my head

 

Take my heart out

Toss it around

Step on it

Beat the out of it

 

Then just cut all the already broken unfixed pieces!

 

 

If only I could

I’d be happier

No feelings

No worries

No you

No more pathetic Donghae

 

 

I did a progress

But then you had to keep watching me

With those blank expressionless eyes

even my friends notice how you stare at me

what is up withall of this, a complicated mess!

 

I can’t understand you at all

What are you

What are you

 

What am i

 

“Dongh-…..”

And I pretended not to hear

Turned around

And flied away

 

You are heartless

You are felonious

You are evil

You are pernicious

You are wicked

You are my killer

You are my very first real crush whom i might of love

Maybe love is a strong word to describe all this because i still didn't surrender completely for you

Maybe love IS really a very strong meaningful word to define what I feel inside this cold ,dim-witted and moronic heart of mine

But still

 

You are my first

Why do I have to be this sensitive

Why

Why am I myself

Why am I not another stronger person

 

I lack everything

Confidence the most

I’m a wacky  big haywire

I hate myself

 

this is now your senior and last year

wahh imagning the day you go and i'll forget you finally

i wish i would

atleast i won't see your face every morning

 

Because

I hate

The fact

That I can’t bring myself

To forget you

To hate you

To not care about you

 

Lee Hyukjae

My Criminal

The Killer of my sensitive ticklish goofy heart!

 

 

Forget!. Lee Donghae........Froget Him....

 

 

 

I just got this idea

And I HAD to write it

It’s a big fail I know

But yeah I just wanted to write it

Thank you guys <3