“Are you serious?” Kwan nearly fell to the ground when he heard he had made it through the final audition. The person on the other line laughed, waiting a moment before relaying the rest of the information to him.

“You’ll have to come back in next week for an official meeting; we strongly recommend you bring your lawyer for the forms. If everything goes well you could be training in Korea in a month. Congratulations.” Kwan released the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“Thank you so much! Thank you.” He stood outside the room his friends were still laughing in, trying to handle the wild stream of emotions scrambling through his brain. He didn’t have a lawyer. How would he tell his parents? These shadows passed quickly, fighting with little success with the indomitable joy radiating in every vein. He was holding the frayed edge of his dream with his fingertips, finally close enough to feel it against his skin.

Kwan touched his hand to the cool doorknob, turning it torturously slow for his friends in the other room. He kept his face cold and unreadable.

“Well?” asked Alex, a flickering smile sitting on his lips. Kwan grinned widely, his excitement exploding from inside.

“I got it!” His friends cheered, supporting him with congratulatory yells and glowing smiles. He looked at everyone’s faces, noticing the lackluster shine in a few friends’ eyes. They were happy for him, yet not happy at all. He sat with a smile, but felt suddenly cold inside.

Abruptly his life would change to something completely different. He’d be away from his new friends in college, his friends back home, his family, and his country. There would be nothing to hide behind, and he’d have to learn to live in an environment utterly alien to him.

“I don’t want to leave but…I have to.” Alex and Leah nodded awkwardly, trying to continue the supportive atmosphere being set around them like a weak defense.

“Of course. I’m really glad you got it,” Leah said. Even when her smile grew with the warmth of her voice he knew the sentiment was less than genuine. Later that evening they approached each other wordlessly.

“I really like you,” she said. “Why do you have to go? Don’t most trainees end up never debuting anyway? You said it yourself. Is this really worth all of the trouble?” He sighed, setting a hand on her shoulder and breaking the physical boundary between the two of them.

“You know I have to. This is the only thing I know how to do happily. None of the options here are right for me. I’m really sorry I have to go so far away, but I can’t stay either.” She nodded, looking at him with her dark hair falling to hide her face. He sighed, his hand warm against the curve of her neck. “I’m sorry.” She nodded, placing her hand on top of his.

“I know.”

*

Kwan waited an entire week before considering how he would reveal the news to his parents. As the date for his meeting with the company neared, it became inevitable. His hands hovered uncomfortably over the call button on his cell phone. Eventually he called, closing his eyes as though he expected them to explode the moment they picked up the phone.

“Hello?” His father answered, surprise in his voice. “Didn’t we talk to you this morning? Is something wrong?” Kwan shook his head before remembering they couldn’t see him.

“No, I’m fine. I’m great actually. I went to an audition last week and…”

“Didn’t we ask you to stop that? It’s not a reasonable thing to do with your life.” He sighed.

“I made it. They want me to go to Korea and train.” His confession was met with cold silence.

“And?”

“I need to go to a meeting with the company tomorrow. They suggested a lawyer since it involves a contract. I want to go.” His father let out an equally as exasperated sigh.

“Tell them you can’t take the offer! This is crazy.” Kwan felt the heat rising in his cheeks.

“I’m going whether you support me or not. I’d like it if you guys would support me and maybe say goodbye before I leave next month but if that’s not something you can do then I guess we’re done.” He spoke to his father with unnatural anger, the idea of sacrificing his hard work because of their doubts striking a nerve.

“I’m not going to pretend I like your decision. But if you’re going to do it, you’re going to do it right and you’re not backing out. You realize what kind of situation you’re getting yourself into, right?”

“Dad, I’ve spent my entire life working for this. I know exactly what I’m getting myself into and I’m prepared to deal with it.”

“If it’s what you really want, your mother and I will do everything we can to help you. I’m happy you’re able to do what you want, and that you got a position. But again, I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about this situation.”

“I know. Thanks for not disowning me,” Kwan joked, trying to bring a light into the heavy conversation.

“Don’t give me any ideas,” his father said back, a soft laugh in his breath. “No, you’re my son.” He said goodbye to his parents, feeling only slightly happier than he was before he called. To say the idea of change wasn’t scary would be an absolute lie. He was terrified, but thrilled to be entering this new universe.

*

Kwan and his father carried the last of the boxes out of his dorm room, stretching their arms when the moving out had finished. He walked back to the room, staring sadly for a moment at his empty side of the room. Alex walked in with a melancholic smile, extending his hand slowly to Kwan.

“Come back soon to visit, okay? We’ll watch for you!” Kwan laughed, taking his friends hand tightly in his.

“I doubt I’ll debut anytime soon…” It was Alex’s turn to laugh at his friend.

“Whenever you do, we’ll watch it online.” He smiled, pulling his friend’s arm into a brotherly hug. 

“I’ll miss you.” Alex laughed, patting him on the back.

“Just do what you’re supposed to do.” He waved goodbye one last time, saying goodbye to other friends as he passed their doors. Leah approached him with a sad smile on her face.

“You’ll come back sometimes?” Kwan smiled, extending his arms to enfold her in a tight hug.

“As soon as I have the chance, I’ll come home and visit everyone.” She laughed, standing on her toes to pat him sweetly on the head.

“We’ll cheer you on from here, okay? Korea isn’t going to know what hit them.” He smiled, saying goodbye one last time. She turned around to walk back to her room, but held her hand up high in a fist. “Fighting!” He laughed at the phrase, something he had explained to her early in their friendship.

“Fighting,” he said under his breath, and walked out the door as a resident for the final time.

*

“Be careful! Don’t get yourself into trouble,” his mother fussed, hugging him tightly but with an expansive smile on her rosy cheeks. He sniffed, holding back the tears welling in his eyes.

“I love you mom.” She smiled, letting him bend his knees so she could kiss him on the cheek.

“I love you too.” He turned around, surprised to see his own withheld tears mirrored in his father’s dark eyes. He shared the same sentiment with this father as he did his mother, hugging them once more before waving goodbye. Leaning down slightly to meet the eyes of his little brother Danny, he let him fall tightly into his arms.

“I’m going to miss you.” He laughed, patting his young teenage brother on the back.

“I’ll miss you too, Dan.”

“When you come back, I bet I’ll be taller than you.” Kwan sighed and laughed simultaneously.

“I’m sure you will.” He waved once more to his family before boarding the airplane, crossing one of the final gateways before he faced his ambitions directly in the eyes.

The flight was long and dragging. He listened to music softly for the entirety of his trip, mouthing the words silently under his breath. Next to him a businessman slept, the one on the end craning his neck to watch a movie. Kwan turned his head, peering out the thick window. The airplane was surrounded by the inky black of night, a single object floating through the universe in a magical fashion.

He woke up on the runway, the sound of flight attendants and passengers drawing him from the comfort of slumber.

This was the beginning.

*

Even after two weeks in the apartment he could barely afford, Kwan felt uncomfortable and out of place in the city. The first meeting with the other trainees was today and he felt the unsettling nervousness that had been present during auditions bubble to the surface once again. Picking through the clothes in his closet, he tried to find something that would set a good impression. He grew frustrated with his indecisiveness, eventually choosing regular sweatpants and the shoes he wore to the audition. Maybe if his clothes were comfortable, he’d feel the same way inside?

In trying to figure out the subway with his limited Korean, Kwan nearly missed his stop. He walked in front of the daunting building with his heart still racing from the panic. In the front door, he showed the pass mailed to him and was directed by a tall woman in black leather heels to a dance practice room. A few other people his age turned when the door opened, and he bowed politely to them before sitting down.

“Hey, what’s your name?” one of them asked quietly while they waited for the other trainees. Kwan paused, trying to form a grammatically correct sentence in his head. “Your name? Do you speak Korean?” the boy asked, his English almost as difficult to understand.

“Yeah. Sorry. I’m Kwan.” The boy seemed forgiving, smiling politely at him while giving his name.