He saw him at the top of the stairs and Jongin felt his insides begin to melt. He’d seen Lu Han walk down the same set of steps since he was seven but he was still not used to emotions that had swirled in his chest ever since he turned fifteen-- when he realized that he was in love with his best friend. Lu Han's eyes were bright with excitement and his lips were spread wide into a smile that went straight to Jongin's heart as he stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting.

Lu Han's gaze caught Jongin's and the former's smile grew wider, warmer as he took the first step down. Jongin's eyes traveled from Lu Han's crown of golden hair to his shiny black dress shoes. His usually unruly mane was slicked back to reveal a smooth forehead, straight brows and soulful almond eyes. Jongin's heartbeat quickened as his eyes traced the gentle slope of his nose and the soft curve of his pink lips. Lu Han was breathtaking in a well-fitted black tuxedo over a crisp white shirt, his skin glowing with anticipation for the night ahead. Jongin's lips quirked into a small smile as his gaze fell on the white bow tie around Lu Han's collar.  He remembered the remark he made last week, when they were shopping together for tonight's senior prom, about how black bow ties were overrated. The shorter boy rolled his eyes at him, spouted the merits of a black bow tie but, much to Jongin's amusement, ended up buying the white one instead.

Lu Han took another step down and the lights played on the planes of his angelic face, reminding Jongin of one night in seventh grade when Lu Han slept over at his house, four doors down the road. It was near midnight and Jongin's room was dark. They were hiding under the covers with only a small flashlight between them. Jongin hooked his thumbs together and spread his other fingers to form the silhouette of a flying bird against the sheets, going on and on about his dream of becoming a dancer, while Lu Han watched the impromptu show in fascination. There were mentions of making it big on stage and Jongin pursuing fame all over the world. Lu Han made the lamest shadow-bunny while talking about wanting to be a singer, his words a curious blend of apprehension and hope. Jongin felt a need to reassure his friend and himself but they were young and had yet to fully appreciate the fears of the future. So they slept, and Jongin forgot nearly everything else except Lu Han's face, half hidden in the shadows, as they held hands and promised that no matter what happened, they would always be together.

Lu Han went down another two steps and Jongin's mind wandered to five years ago when they thought their friendship was at an end. He was lying face down on his bed, shoulders heaving with each sob as he felt a sense of betrayal so profound that it was actually painful. He just got back from Lu Han's where he shouted at his friend when he told Jongin they were moving away. He said a lot of hurtful things he did not mean, angry words that brought Lu Han to tears. Jongin ran home, barely watching where he was going. He was mad and hurt and afraid because if Lu Han went away then what would become of Jongin? Who would defend him when the others for his dark skin? Who would he share ice cream and afternoons with? Who would he run to when he was feeling down, whose shoulder would he lean his head on? In Jongin's mind it was Lu Han's fault for being so kind and precious that Jongin found it impossible to live without him. He didn't say goodbye and locked himself in his room the day Lu Han and his family left. That was the most depressing summer of his life.

Lu Han playfully wobbled on his toes as he descended another step and Jongin shook his head at the other's antics. He looked at his small feet, far too small for an eighteen year old boy, and realized that he would recognize them anywhere. He recalled the moment, a year later after Lu Han left, when they were the first thing he saw as he bumped into him on the way to school. Recognition flooded him as he looked up into Lu Han’s timid smile and Jongin could finally breathe again. There were no other words, save for a hey and a how have you been, but for Jongin it was enough. Lu Han was back and everything was alright.

Jongin's eyes went to Lu Han's hand as it grazed the polished wooden railing, a slight quiver evident as his fingers skimmed the surface. He loved that he knew Lu Han enough to tell that he was nervous as he took the last three steps to reach the end of the staircase. He was fifteen and they were lying on the roof of his house, watching the night sky, when he realized he was in love with him. It happened when he turned his head to point out a stray star and he saw the moon reflected in his best friend's eyes and he knew, he just knew, that he wanted to spend every day of his life with him. They were young and possibly immature but the love he felt wasn't. All he needed was for Lu Han to fall in love, too, and then life would be perfect.

"So how do I look?" Lu Han asked teasingly, turning around with his arms widespread, waiting for an answer even though he knew he looked beautiful. Jongin leaned close, brushed his lips against the delicate skin below Lu Han's ear before whispering, "You look perfect." And in this daydream, Lu Han would reach for him and give him a proper kiss for his sweet words and tell Jongin he loved him.

"So. How do I look?" Luhan asked teasingly and Jongin shook his head to clear it. He pasted on a rakish smile and answered. "Ugly, as usual."

Lu Han swatted at his arm. "You ."

Jongin opened his mouth, thinking that now was the right time to tell Lu Han how wonderful and amazing Jongin really thought he was. But harsh reality intruded when the tall boy beside him spoke first. "Lu Han."

Then Jongin watched as Sehun leaned close to Lu Han and did everything Jongin wished, hoped, dreamed he could. He watched as Sehun gave Lu Han a soft kiss on the cheek and Lu Han gazed at him with the tenderness Jongin wanted for himself. He looked away when Sehun pulled Lu Han closer, closed his eyes when they exchanged I love yous.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to prom with us? We still have time, and we could always be fashionably late," his best friend said with a laugh.

"No. I'd rather go home and rot instead of watching you two being all lovey-dovey and face on the dance floor, thank you very much." Jongin said with all the mock disdain he could muster. But some well-hidden desperation must have crept into his voice because Lu Han touched his shoulder. "Jongin?"

"What? Go now, you two." He smiled and willed all the heartaches away as he waved them off. "I'll be fine, Lulu." Lu Han frowned because Jongin knew he absolutely hated being called that.

He stood there as the couple walked toward Sehun’s parked car and for a second Jongin felt a crazy urge to snatch Lu Han back to him when his best friend looked over his shoulder and gave Jongin a little wave. Jongin found himself scrambling for more memories he had shared with Lu Han, trying to remember at least one significant moment in his life that could serve to relieve the gnawing pain now blooming in his chest. But there were no more memories left to recall, to take refuge in, and Jongin briefly wondered if it was even possible for someone to feel this empty.

He was eighteen when his best friend did fall in love, but it wasn't with him.