He sat down reluctantly (suspiciously because who enjoys sitting with strangers?) before Doojoon and the tiny new boy, who had a soft pair of brown eyes and such an endearing smile, anyone would've fallen for it but Junhyung knew better. It doesn't matter if it's a male of a female because as long as he or she have such captivating features, Junhyung has learnt (although it still sets his heart to tingle) that he's one feet away before stepping over to the dangerous zone. 

Junhyung doesn't like him. He dislikes him because if there was a meter that measures one's social ability, Yoseob would be a full ten while he would be negative a trillion and negative trillions never like full tens.

“Doojoon-ah, how many ice cubes can you hold in your mouth?”

Because full tens like to make new friends, like to chat, like to laugh, like to ask weird questions, like to laugh again, like to smile and slap Doojoon's arm when he's looking stupid stuffing ice cubes into his mouth and laugh again till he can't find his belly button anymore.

“Junhyung-ah, look how stupid he is!”

Because full tens skip pass Junhyung-shi and goes straight into Junhyung-ah.

He look towards Yoseob and furrows his eyebrows because as stupid as Doojoon might be, he's definitely not the only one here because apparently, apparently and obviously dyeing blonde hair is a stupid decision too. It's stupid and he hates to mix with stupids because they are too noisy and chatty for their own good and right now, all Junhyung wants is to snuggle under the covers of his bed and hate the world. Hating how the world was cruel to him, taking every single piece of happiness away from his life and leaving him in this poor pathetic state.

All he wants is to continue building the walls around his heart, strengthening, protecting it from anyone who threatens to rip it apart.





Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed,



But he's still learning—he's still new at this so he isn't sure what to do when he's already tried everything yet nothing much changes. He threw Yoseob out and slammed the door shut, only to see him back on the couch the next day with the same stupid smile. And sometimes, sometimes when Junhyung sits on the grass in the backyard silently because his heart is suffocating, Yoseob would stay near the sliding door and wait.

He waits with a hammer in his hand because the walls around Junhyung's heart that gets thicker as each day passes isn't supposed to be there.

Junhyung doesn't know what to do, how to react, what to say because when Yoseob finishes his job—when he tears the walls down, he didn't leave like he was expected to. Yoseob sees the red pumping organ and he wraps himself around it, protecting and providing warmth with his incandescent smile.

So Junhyung smiles as well.

so you could open one that leads me to the perfect road.



"She’s with me because she wanted her ex-boyfriend to get jealous. Because she wanted him back, and she succeeded." Junhyung tapped his metal spoon against the bowl repeatedly, the clanking from the two silverware becoming the only sound that surrounded the heavy atmosphere.

“What a boring story.” Yoseob snorted.





I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.



"Junhyung-ah, do you know it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile?"

"Is that the reason why you don't frown?"

"No, that's the reason why you should smile more often."

"Yah shut up!" Doojoon throws a pillow towards the two. "Do you know I had to fight with the boy two streets down in order to rent this?"

"No," Yoseob throws the pillow back because Junhyung's waist is obviously warmer and nicer to hug. "I should've went with you to the shop, there are other nicer movies than these stupid autobots."





I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride.



"Junhyung-ah, do you think we can live without each other for a day?"

"No, you would die."

The blonde pushes him and crosses his arms. "Wanna bet?"

Junhyung doesn't want to bet because he knows that he's going to lose. Even for a day, even for a day without Yoseob would pull him straight back into loneliness and fear and insecurities because after so long without those feelings, he'd already forgotten how to build walls. He can't build anymore walls so if Yoseob were to step away for twenty four hours, his heart is going to be just as vulnerable for twenty four hours.

Learning to hold onto Yoseob is easier than building walls, anyway.





But then again, Junhyung never refuses Yoseob because, because well, who can?





"Okay." He purses his lips. "But only for a day."





Without you the days lengthen like a dead girl's hair.



He's happy—he's happy and relieved because he just survived the most agonizing twenty four hours of his life and all he needs, all he needs is the person who is supposed to be picking up his call right now.

Junhyung dials the number again, and when it's finally picked up and he was just about to scream and ask Yoseob to get his down here or else he's going to—

"Junhyung-ah." Doojoon's was on the other line, his voice laced with seriousness.





Like fingernails of the dead growing sharp like barbed wire, wrapped around my head.



He dashed into the ward, heart thumping at a speed he thought wasn’t possible, tears threatening to trip over his eye sockets. His mind was telling him that it was just a joke from Yoseob but when he saw the bulge on the bed, under the covers, and Doojoon weeping sorrowfully around it, he knew it was true.

Yoseob was gone. He was gone without a word, without any warnings, like a tsunami sweeping over all of him, leaving nothing but the cold lonely breeze and familiar depressing smell he used to be surrounded with. It was like his departure had Junhyung’s remaining life out of him. When Yoseob is gone, all the colours in his life had faded, and no matter how Junhyung tries, the house still reminds him of Yoseob. His smell still lingered on the bed, his clothes still hanged loosely in his closet, his presence still felt as Junhyung lay on the couch, tears coursing down his face like an endless stream of river.





"He was born with a heart disease, and he's already on the waiting list but his relapse came a few weeks ago and it's just, they couldn't find a suitable match for him in time."





So I love you because I know no other way.



Doojoon came back from the letterbox two months later with an envelope for Junhyung and he opens it—with heavy breaths and trembling fingers because it's not hard to recognize the handwriting on the front—and reads.

He swallows the lump forming in his throat as he folds the paper carefully back and slips it into his pocket before strolling to the kitchen.

"Doojoon-ah, what do you want for dinner?"

The other stood there, eyes wide open and feet frozen onto the ground because for two months, for two entire months, Junhyung hadn't been talking. 










Years later, on a warm breezy Saturday night, Junhyung sat down on the grass in his backyard garden, an envelope in his hand. He raises his head up towards the sky, searching around for what seemed like forever when he finally found what he's looking for.

'I wanted to tell you, Junhyung-ah. I really wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how it should be done. I don't know how happy should I be when I do it so that you won't be unhappy. I don't know how big my smile is supposed to get in order to make you think that it's okay, it's okay for me to go because you're strong on your own. 

I want you to be happy. I've always wanted to make you happy, to heal you, to make you move forward but in the end, it always seem like it's the other way round. Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for protecting me, thank you for letting me know that life is not as hopeless as it seems, thank you for showing me that in this cold dark world, there are still people who cares.

Junhyung-ah, you've lived a day perfectly without me. Can you do it everyday?

I love you, so much.'





He finds the brightest star in the sky and smiles.





It's not that I believe everything happens for a reason.





"Yoseob-ah."





It's just that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect, chaotic.





He believes that it's Yoseob, because the star had brightened the night sky, just like how Yoseob had brought the light into his life.





It's the universe's way of providing contrast, there have to be a few holes in the road.





"I love you more."





That’s how life is.





He knows that his heart had been broken again but it doesn't matter if Yoseob isn't here with his hammer because this time—this time he's strong enough to fix it himself.





Because to me, the best things in life aren't things.