“... I love you channie, I really do,” that was the last words Chansung heard before he decided to take a break from their current relationship.
As days passed by, they become further apart, usually Junho would call him every single day and wish they could forget about the past or even ask for forgiveness and everything will be back like always. Couple do fight, it’s a normal things but the pride as a man made Chansung blind to see how hard Junho try to persuade him and save their relationship. It has been a month since Junho had him on the phone. Sometimes he feel guilty to burst the anger on Junho even when it not his fault, Chansung admit he got one hell of ego and really a short tempered person.

“Godammit, I miss that smiling angel so much,” Chansung sighed.
“Why the hell I put my ego first before him,” he do regret his action and even for his favorite music that has been on for almost like forever has lost their charm by now.
Chansung lost interest in doing anything so he decides to scramble and messing his room before something catch his attention.  Junho’s tape was written on top of the tape and to his surprised he also found a journal about his lover.

“Ahh... What a nice voice,” Chansung put on the tape with Junho voice singing for him and almost forgot that he had it.
He still remembers that time when Junho decide to be a singer and the time when he sing for the first time in front of him and how amazing his voice could be.

“You really have a lovely voice,” was the first thing that came out from his mouth.

Chansung can see the little guys blushing hard and try his best to hide the embarrassment.

“No wonder a lot of people dying just to be with you,” he add and pull his little lover’s ear to do an experiment how red it could turn when he shy.

“Ouch.. stop that Channie its hurts,” he slap the hand. “It’s not true, you’re the famous one with handsome face there and thank you for the compliment,“he said that and give the best smile he had just for him.

‘Cute’ is the only word that can describe what Chansung thought at that time. While listening to the music Chansung look through Junho’s journal until he stop at a page that force him to start reading even that really not his thing. He recognized the date so much “11 Jan,” the day they met, Chansung realized.

January 11, 2009

I saw you taking a nap under the tree while listening to music. I never knew that I will fall in love with the most famous guy in the school. Its was a first sight love and I was unconsciously thinking that  how lucky  if I could be  that tree you were leaning at or even that headphone you were wearing, but it’s impossible and  I know the facts so clear. But I don’t wanna gave up, I don’t. “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!” I scream in my head. For god sake I was gather up my all just to take first step towards you. To my surprised you accept me into your life without hesitate, I know it’s just based on curiosity but with just that you already steal my heart for not rejected me and I don’t really mind if this relationship was just for fun to you cause I already grateful enough to be by your side and to get to love you. This will be the most memorable days of my life and I willingly to do anything just for you. FOR MY HWANG CHANSUNG.

Chansung could feel the freezing caressing his back as he leaning at a wall of his room. He never knew that it was his lover’s first love. With a loud sigh he start thinking how he ended up being with Junho, to be honest Chansung also love the moment the first time they look into each other eyes and will never forget that. That day the weather feels so cold at the moment but since he so tired he decided to take a nap before heading to class after lunchtime and suddenly he feels so comfortable and warm take place. Without conscious he grips the wrist that belongs to his savior who tries to loose himself from Chansung.

 “Sorry but do I know you?” Chansung ask that person.

 “I’m really sorry, I don’t mean any harm; I just thought you will catch a cold if you sleep outdoor and that why I lend my coat and I was......,”there were tears built up in little guy’s eyes as he try to defend himself with talking nonstop.

 Chansung don’t really pay attention to what he had to say but chuckle. His actions really stop that guy from talking and now he looks like he really gonna cry.

 “Did I really say something funny?” he said.

“no, it’s just you’re so cute that I can’t stop looking at you,” that guy blushing so hard that just made Chansung got goose bump and wanted to even more.

 “So, since you already calm down can I know your name little guy?”

“Junho, my name is lee junho,” and he just give the best captivating eye smile that Chansung never see it at other place.

So, when junho confess to him next, he don’t even need a second thought to say yes maybe it’s just based on curiosity but most of it cause he also feel the same as junho is.

Chansung look through the journal all over again and stop at certain pages and find himself smiling unconsciously. All the pages write about how happy they were, the fun things and the funny one.

March 17, 2009

Happy is the only word I can describe my feeling because you’re the best things in my life. We laugh together, spend time do silly things and even cry when something goes wrong.  I love  when  you feed my eyes with  your gleaming appearance,. I love you so much that I find myself always waiting for you . I love when you hold my hand and say I have the lovely voice on earth. I love it when you support me from the bottom of your heart, I do really appreciate it. The ways you say my name, I love them all and lastly I LOVE YOU AS HWANG CHANSUNG.

.

.

.

But the word don’t stop at that,, there’re more when chansung look carefully and he continue read.

I love you so much that I could die for you but do you really love me hwang chansung? Sorry for broken my promise by loving you is enough but right now I feel a little greedy by how I wish to hear you say I love you. I’m sorry for behave so shamelessly because I just someone who was ordinary enough to be by your sides and what I really good at is loving you with all my heart, HWANG CHANSUNG. I’ll start slowly and carefully, so wait for me.

With that last word, Chansung lost in thought when he just realized, up until not even once he ever told his lover about his feeling and how clueless he could be when Junho had been waiting to hear the words for ages but that not totally true cause he also remember the time Junho ask him the same question.

 “channie, can I ask you something?” ask Junho while fidgeting try to calm.

Chansung can’t help but wanted to tease the little Junho. “Sure, if would say I love you until I satisfied,” Chansung chuckle to himself.

 “Wha.... that not fair I wanted you to do the sam....” now Chansung can have burning squid when Junho was all red and can do nothing since he totally embarrasses himself.

Chansung loves when Junho try to hide his shyness and when he so clumsy or when he got nothing except depend on him and on top of that he loves Junho the most. But he will not admit it since he likes to see how long Junho would stand for the pressure and most of all maybe cause from his stupid pride.

Now he feels lifeless, he takes really deep breath and slump his body through the wall. Chansung feel so stupid and wanted to cry so bad that not even a single tear willing to come out from his eyes. “Even my body don’t wanna to listen to me, I guess, I’m really at fault here,” thought Chansung.

Chansung throw that book away at the corner of the room cause he cannot really except the facts but after a few minute he pick up that book back and start reading till the part that really caught his attention.

January 11, 2010

.

.

.

One year passed by blowing all the sad things in our memory. Now we already graduated and go to the path we’re chosen for. Within this time you lost your temper without reason, do you ever realize that? You stop calling me and we start getting in fight for small things. Finally you’re getting tired of me, I guess but I will never give up since I love you so much, I will do anything but don’t ever hate me I beg you Hwang Chansung. And yet today is another day I spent breathing in the scent you left behind. Do you remember what day is today? Do you know today is our anniversary? I guess not since I can’t reach you from morning until late that night. Do you know I prepare a dinner just for the two of us and I even prepare the gift. I forgive you, maybe you just busy. but Do you ever thought about how hurt my heart at that time when I reach to your apartment with all hope to celebrate our relationship just to be crush by a laughter of your voice that I love so much with some random woman. Do you ever wonder I cry all night long because of that? But you just never learn cause you just carelessly apologize the next day without even concern my feeling for you. Now I sure that it’s not you forgot about the important day but you just don’t care. Maybe it’s my fault for ever fall in love with you HWANG CHANSUNG.  And I still do.

“No.. I do care, it’s just I don’t ...”Chansung cannot continue with his line.

 The song that he plays had reached the ended list. Now the emptiness just took charge in his heart. How he really wishes to see Junho right now and shouted to him how much he love that smiling angel or how much grateful he is for gifted the best lover in the world but it’s too late. The guilt and solitude kill him.

Chansung flip the book trough all the page and stop at the last page. All the word he read by now made he grab the book even tighter. It’s the day when Chansung ask for a break in their relationship.

October 7, 2010

My heart feels insecure, our relationship just getting further apart without any explanation. You just came and now you wanted to walk away from my life. I never knew how you feel towards me but please don’t hate me. I know life is the cruel fact and it not a movie with the happy ending. I also know it was an ending when you wanted to break up with me but I’m just refuse to accept the facts. Say you love me I’ll walk away from your life in peace. Rather that sweet thing you just break my heart that day. Yet forgive me for loving you so much HWANG CHANSUNG. This will be the last thing I wrote since I dedicate this life just for you and without you everything is meaningless. Your love Lee Junho.

Tears rolling down his cheeks, Chansung can’t help but cry so hard that he almost screams. That day, he remember that day so well, the days he accuse Junho for cheating on him even he know that he has been assaulted. He knows the truth but the anger really manage to control his mind and action.

“I’m sorry channie, it’s not my fault, believe me,” Junho cry so hard to plead Chansung to believe him.

 “Stop with that faking cry, I never knew you such a and don’t ever call me channie you disgusted me,” the anger burst.

“But... “Junho shaking so hard cause he terrified of the result that will come from this fight. He begs but Chansung cut the speech with the final word.

 “I hate you and I never love you Lee Junho,” Chansung spurt the final word without looking back while Junho just die from the shock.

From a far Chansung could hear Junho say “i love you channie, I really do”.

Even if he wishes for the time machine to ever exist to go back in time to fix everything, it’s just too late. Even if he regrets his action it was too late. He just said the killer word to his lover or his ex- lover by now. Chansung don’t take any second to waste when he rush to the door with the journal in his hand to find his master. Just when he reaches the door the bell ring wanted to be open. How much that time he wish it was Lee junho who was coming but it’s just some random delivery boy. “I’m sorry but our services got some technical problem, this letter should reach to you yesterday. So once again I apologize for any inconvenient, sign please, “ask the boy. Chansung just don’t care about what that boys wanted to say and finish what he has to do and start opening the stuff since its belong to someone he loves.

January 10, 2011

Dear channie,

 My love I know you hate me by now but please I wanted to see you one last time before I gave you up since you hate me already but I never gonna stop loving you. You will be my first and my last one I promise. Meet me at the place the first time we meet, 10 am in the morning. Please I wanted to see you cause I hope you will be my savior this time. Even if you don’t coming I understand, but let me clear one thing I’m sorry for loving you HWANG CHANSUNG.

YOUR LOVE,

Junho

Chansung saw a lot of traces of tears in that letter and it break his heart so much, suddenly he realizes about the meeting. They should meet 10 am in the morning and he just got the letter. Chansung look at the watch and it’s was 9.50 am, the terrified feeling conquer the situation for what will coming next. With that he dash out from his apartment to see his lover, “wait my Junho I’ll come for you, just wait for me,” that was Chansung thought as he run through all the traffic without concern about anything around.

10.02 am in the morning.

When he got at the meeting place everything was just a mess, it was too late. Nothing can describe what he just saw. Chansung got to his knee and cry all his might.

 “Why... why don’t you wait for me,” he screams.

“Don’t you love me, or you don’t believe in me anymore, it’s just two minutes late, two minutes and you were gone from my life,” he mashed the ground but it was no use.

 Junho just gone to other world.

“Please god brings him back, I’m begging you, I love him so damn much don’t you take him away from me,” he cried so hard. Chansung just run to Junho to bring him down from the place he hung up himself.

“ hey wake up, I’m here for you, I love you, I will never ever leave you, please give me one more chance to prove myself, please open your eye my little Junho,” but he can’t feel any breath came out from Junho and that was time he knew that Junho has leave him alone in this cruel world.

 “Why? Don’t you trust me, I came to bring you home, it our anniversary right, do you really thinks I forget, and you want me to say I love you right? I’ll say it as many times as you want but please open your eyes, “nothing really came out from that lifeless body, and Chansung cannot do anything but regret for the rest of his life.
 
He can see a smile on Junho's face as he predicted the time like this will finally come.  By that thought alone made Chansung's heart hurt so much that he willing to die.

 There were no tears left and for Chansung's  last respect for Lee Junho,he kiss Junho's fore head and said “ A person like you has faced many hurts; don’t carry anymore tears just rest in peace and as a promised I’ll love you for the rest of my life, your love Hwang Chansung.”

“I’m sorry.”