I met him last year when my right knee got injured in soccer. I was getting my therapy then when a boy with an old fashioned bowl haircut peeked inside the room, eyes looking nearly as innocent as an infant. I didn’t have the heart to ask him to get lost like I always do when interns or some reporters come to visit my room so I indirectly let him invite himself inside. He had this harmless aura around him that you would know he won’t be the bothersome type of person who comes for an autograph and do nothing but ask the obvious and flirt as if I wasn’t there for an injury.

He introduced himself when we were alone in the room and talked a lot of things instantly that only at night time he paused to ask what my name was. He’s actually older than me by two years, he just wasn’t looking one and acting one.

“I’m really sorry Minho-ssi!” He pouts and pleads with his soft voice and it was really hard to pretend not to forgive him so I gave in afterwards. It was my time then to get teased because he pretended to cry and I know he was, so I playfully offered my enslavement to him just to receive a reply I wasn’t entirely prepared for. My personal joke backfired and smashed on to my face too quickly.

“Would you really be my slave? I don’t want to be alone again.”  He asked with his hopeful brown orbs while I was left speechless until he left without a word. What he meant, I found out later when I started asking about him. It wasn’t really hard for me to know things when I have many things to trade for.

Jinki was diagnosed with an unknown system disorder that causes his body to shut down temporarily, leaving his body prone to other clinical illnesses. His parents left to work abroad in order to cover his hospital fees while he stays confined. He was an only son and he was home schooled when he was younger so he wasn’t able to make friends at all and had no other visitors besides them. Two years ago however, his parents stopped visiting him as well, only giving him mails and gifts on special occasions.

He was alone all the time. Even that day when I saw him crying inside the room, the moonlight emphasizing his tear-streaked face, he was alone. Watching him in that state was worse than feeling any injury I had the past years. It made my heart hurt just imagining him in that state every night.

“I, I was—“

“Shh…” I took his hands and gave him a light tug to embrace him, make him feel that he has someone now. He was stiff at first but he relaxed afterwards as he gingerly placed his arms behind me, hugging back and crying more. I only ruffled his soft locks until he was completely done crying and was already sleeping in my arms. I eventually had to set him to bed properly, tucking him in the blanket and placing the bed case up.

That was the night I decided that this person will never feel alone and it’s a promise.

It’s already been two months since I finished my rehabilitation but I always visit Jinki who in return always greets me with that eager look in his eyes, a bright aura and the sweetest smile that took a hold of my heart before I even felt it was taken away.

Today was different though, Jinki was sent to the emergency room earlier and I wasn’t expecting to receive the same greeting.

“Minho,” Jinki takes off his oxygen masked to give me the smile I always wanted to see. Only this time I had to reject it and return his mask on quickly because he didn’t look too well. He was paler than yesterday and it was hard to hide a frown because of it—He said he didn’t like me frowning.

“Did you play around again?” I asked him sounding like an older brother nagging his naughty little brother for playing outside without any permission. “Don’t pout at me. It’s yellow dust season, why would you go out?”

“I didn’t know it was the season of Yellow dust. I’m unaware of the time you know,” he spoke with almost inaudible voice but I was already leaning on his pillow, my ears next to his cheeks. “I used to love flowers but I think it hates me—“ he coughs and I stood up and turned him sideways, patting his back lightly. I gave him something to drink before tucking him back with his blankets

“Let's have a chat next time and just rest okay?” I told him and he nodded, squeezing my hand with his small stubby ones and I know it meant for me not to worry so I stopped and smiled on his way to reassure him I understood. “I’ll come early tomorrow. I only have afternoon classes so behave until then.”

He lifts his oxygen mask again but I didn’t stop him because I know he’s just showing of his toothy grin and I already missed it. It was something I enjoyed and reminded me of what people look like when they’re eating fresh lemons, crescent eyes and wide grin after the tangy taste. I find it ultimately endearing.

He falls asleep after I coaxed him to and that’s the only time I had the heart to leave him. At times like this it was just so hard to leave Jinki unattended so I never really left until the sun was down, bidding him a quiet 'see you tomorrow'.

 See you tomorrow or see you later. The fruit of my promise to him that I'll be there for  him, that I will be seeing him again and to reassure myself that Jinki is there, waiting for me.

 The next day, I came by earlier than what I’m expected to just to catch up with Jinki’s health but all I was given was the same dose of cold shoulder from the doctors. I understood for a fact that I’m not his guardian or anything and giving out information about Jinki is prohibited but they were alright with me visiting everyday with no questions asked as to why I am doing it. The nurses were the only ones who actually spoke to me about Jinki’s condition everyday but it had gotten too vague and more often clouded with shameful flirting at the end.

Jinki’s been in the hospital for four years and no one has yet to tell me whether or not he’s improving or getting worse. I was already leaning on the latter since he has been confined for so long, but I still want to know details on how worse his condition actually is. His parents had yet to show up even now and even if he doesn’t say, Jinki looked like he already stopped waiting for them. His parents and his condition is something he talks about rarely and often times when I asked about it, he spaces out and then changes the subject. It was a clear line that states he doesn’t want to indulge in that conversation so I stopped trying for his comfort. My urge to know more, however, still remains even if it’s against his will.

After a lot of failed attempts to headhunt for people who’ll tell me more about Jinki’s condition, I headed for the fire exit and walked my way up just to compose myself a little before seeing Jinki.  After four flights, I heard a mumbling and up ahead I saw two nurses who just finished smoking there. I almost had the urge to tell them off but I heard one of them mentioning Jinki's name and I decided to follow them back inside the hallway instead. They seemed to be the assigned nurses in Jinki’s floor today and I thought eavesdropping wouldn’t hurt plus I decided to report those two from smoking afterwards. They smell like nicotine and I don’t want them around him.  

“The boy on third floor is Lee Jinki-ssi right?” the nurse with ill-fitting uniform tries to confirm, whispering quite loudly.

“Yeah, what about him?” the smaller nurse asked while going through different folders.

“I heard his attending physician failed to appeal to the head doctors. They knew about him paying the hospital fees after his parents apparently chose to stop the apparatus when he was in a coma.”

“Wait that was last year, right?” the smaller nurse slaps the other’s shoulder taking interest of the conversation. “Then the cards and gifts came from Shi—“

“Yes. It came from Shim sansaengnim. He’s paying for his fees and providing those gifts and pretending it was from his parents. The boy’s parents returned abroad to move on with their lives without him,” the other nurse scrunched up her nose, displeased. “Poor boy for having parents like them.”

“You betcha! Omo—Shim seonsaengnim!” the smaller nurse gasped and scrambles back to the nurses’ station as she sees a lanky doctor. She hugged the folder on her chest nervously and tidies up. The other followed behind her and stood up properly as they greet him.

“Why are you guys looking like someone just poured cold water on you?” the tall doctor laughed, holding his waist. “Gossiping is not allowed in the hospital by the way~”

“We apologize!” they bowed down and the doctor just laughed and walked away saying a few lines in English. “Don’t mind. Don’t mind.”

Apparently, I do mind so I approached the doctor when I found him at the cafeteria. He looked younger than any other doctors inside the hospital and he clearly looked amused with his food fit for four other individuals. I’ll get kicked out by the coach if I ate all of that or if I'm lucky I'll just get to spend a day long jogging.

I bought a bottle of milk and just sat opposite to him. His eyes trailed every centimeters of my face before smiling. “If you’re going to talk about him then save yourself from the effort,” The smile disappears from his face and ominous aura was abruptly present. He folded his arms on his chest examining me again. “From someone not related to him at all, why do you think I’ll entertain you?” he looked at me like he just read my mind and it almost seemed that way.

“I’ve been friends with him for months now and I’ll probably be for the rest of my life,” The doctor chuckles loudly but his aura didn’t change, he looks more cynical than humored. I just remained unfazed as he was. “But I heard something that will threaten my goal. This hospital wants him out and I know that with his condition he can't.”

He failed to stop his mouth from gaping although he had worked out on not giving any expression. I relaxed on my chair, leaning my head closely. “However, you’re the good Samaritan that wants him to stay here until he is well, am I right?”

He chuckles loudly again, “Do you actually think I’ll play such a role? You overestimate me young man, but aren’t you playing the same card as what you accuse me of?” He stops and directed his gaze on me. It made me instantly nervous just like in a rally wherein I usually find myself into for the first two minutes.

The doctor had stopped talking and made fists out of his hands, leaving a barely touched meal. He looked grimly at me but he avoided my gaze right after. “I’ll have to check a patient.”

It wasn’t a clue or anything but my initial reaction was to follow him and maybe that was what he actually wanted. I saw him enter Jinki’s room and as expected he did not close it and left enough space for me to hear and see what was going on inside.

Jinki had no mask on or whatsoever anymore and he stood up to give the doctor an embrace that made me dig holes inside my pockets. He looks happy, a different type of happiness from when he sees me and holds my hands before going to bed. They were also giggling a lot and there was not even a conversation yet.

“So how is our Jinki?” the doctor smiled in a way that made him look even younger.

“Okay. I feel a little dizzy at times though and my vision is getting blurry too,” Jinki spoke solemnly about his health that he never discussed with me in details. “The yellow dust… I heard increased my risk… Are you here to give me a check-up?”

“Yes. I don’t have a choice, do I?” the doctor teasingly remarked.. Jinki gave him an amused smile. “It actually did. You had an asthma attack yesterday and fainted. You should’ve really called my attention when you went out yesterday, Jinki-ah. You’re becoming quite rebellious, aren’t you?”

“I am not,” a bitter laugh becomes audible from Jinki. “I just realized that I wouldn’t change my final goal...”

Silenced ensued and the heavy atmosphere had me wanting turn away. I almost felt like I need not to see this anymore and my decision to listen through it was actually a bad idea.  The doctor's face instantly lost all confidence it once has.

"You know I don't like it when you say things like that, Jinki-ah."

"I don't like it either Changmin hyung..."

"Then don't say it."

Jinki frowns as I the doctor drops to his knees, sobbing loudly while hugging Jinki’s waist. 

“W-we've come this far already... W-why do you want to give up now?” he chokes and he looked instantly tired. It's as if he aged that very moment. I saw Jinki giving him a sympathetic look but Dr. Shim was too busy to hold on to him like his life depended on Jinki instead of the other way around.

 “I’m not giving up, I’m just finally accepting it and we both know there’s not much time left. I’m already satisfied, hyung. I already met the person I thought will be impossible for me to meet and I... I’m in love with him.”

“I know,” The doctor said calmly standing up and wiping his tears as if nothing happened. It felt like someone pressed the skipped button or my head had stopped functioning and missed something. “I heard he's good-looking.”

Jinki nodded quite enthusiastically. My ears started burning for some odd reason. “I met two beautiful people in four years. Minho beats you to it though,”

“That damn bastard. I thought I was the only one.”

Jinki giggled but his smile disappears too soon, pools of tears replacing them.  “But ours is an impending tragic love story and it won’t last long. I won’t. I’m not stupid. I really hope I was. Eventually it has to end and I’d be selfish if that end was just mine. I can't let Minho feel how I felt when I got left behind.”

Jinki sobs were loud and I thought my eyeballs will give out as I held back my own tears. I had to bit my hand from all of it. I already knew Jinki had been keeping something but I never knew that it was about giving up. I never knew he had also stopped trying because we talked about the future. What was he talking about now?

“He’s here Jinki…”

I did not hear anything that moment and was busy feeling my chest ache like it was about to explode. Only when Dr. Shim had pulled me in and pushed me inside the room I’ve returned to my senses.

I met with Jinki’s shocked face and I really think mine wasn’t that any different. We were both in tears, chapped lips and red eyes. When the doctor left and shuts the door behind him, not one of us bothered to look at his way and just kept staring at each other, engulfing fear, silence and tension.

Tears are still heavily flowing on our cheeks and I didn’t know what to say or where to start. Eventually, Jinki decided to break that silence.

“You heard all of it?” he asked first, wiping his tears away. He looks instantly composed like what his doctor did earlier.

“I heard many things.”

“You've heard enough then, it’s time for you to go. It’s almost nine.” Jinki says as he returns to his bed.

“I’ll wait ‘til they drag me out of here. While they aren’t, tell me what you’re talking about awhile ago?”

“I thought you heard everything?” his voice sound annoyed and it made me feel a little angry but not enough to shun me.

What followed was a conversation that was foreign to my ears and made me feel like I was talking to a completely different person. Jinki’s eyes where distant and uninviting and his smile was nowhere to be found. His replies where either short or filled with sarcasm and I never hated Jinki for talking until now.

“I don’t need your pity.” Jinki chides.

“It’s never a pity. You of all people should know that.” I replied swiftly but he did not show any response to it just a low clicking of tongue as if to mock me.

We never really fall into an argument and it’s probably because we never talked seriously about things. We were too cautious of what we say to each other, carefully picking only the right ones. We talked a little about childhood and then scrutinize them by making fun of it because they were a thing of the past and we told ourselves we already moved on. We also talked about future and hopes as well that we both exaggeratedly describe. What will happen to us years from now? What we’ll be doing? Only now I realized that we never actually met in present. We were either going back to the past or skipping towards the future.

“I also… have fallen in love with you, Jinki—” his eyes widens a little but was quickly replaced with a frown. I bit my lip to hide any disappointment but I ain’t going back with my words. If he pushes me away, I won’t give a damn. “—and now that I know you feel the same way, I won’t let you push me away.”

Another wave of silence ensued shortly and I watched how his cold expression defrosts into sheer bitterness and remorse.

“Minho, I won’t last long,”

“I don’t care,” I inwardly wince at my words because I do care. 

“You have a bright future ahead of you,”

“I know that,”

“You’ve wasted enough time here with me,” Jinki walks a little closer towards me with a smile that looked nothing but pain. “It’s time for you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I grabbed his thin wrist gently and he looks up with that hopeless gaze that I wanted to remove so bad. “The time I spent with you was never a waste Jinki, so let me stay by your side…please.”

I feel my body shake and crumbled on the floor, his pair of shaky hands holding onto  my shoulder. We were both a crying mess and we had not yet concluded anything. We just threw ourselves in a pool of uncertainty and we’re drowning helplessly unable to get back to the surface.

“I’m sorry, Minho-ah...”

He’s the first one to stop crying after we picked ourselves up. We ended up on his bed and my arms were wrapped securely around him without any intention of letting go. I was still a sobbing mess and all my words were stuck in the back of my throat while Jinki decided to carry a conversation he never truly spoke off comfortably with me.

“I puked blood last time and I never puked blood before. I felt so scared I run out of my room aimlessly. I ended up running towards the fire exit and then I felt my breath hitching. The nurses who were chasing me pulled me in but I already inhaled the air outside and it knocked me out.”

“I should’ve gone earlier.” I spoke weakly and he shakes his head to strongly disagree.

“It’s my fault. I panicked.”

 “It’s not a fault. It’s natural. I do that a lot when I was younger,” I started, tracing smooth circles on his back. “Back then I thought strawberries were actually poisonous and I ran away everytime I see one.”

“That’s stupid.” Jinki says amused, tucking his head closer to my chest.

“Where you this mean all along?”

Jinki only smiled and  stayed quiet, listening to my heartbeat. It lulled him to sleep shortly and I took that time to trace his beautiful features and memorize all of him inside my head. My tears starts falling again, realizing greater fear of Jinki disappearing in my life. "Don’t leave me…" 

The next day was rather sunny, I found myself sleeping on an unknown office and I quickly stood up and looked around. I stumbled on someone from behind on my way out.  “Morning lover boy,”

Dr. Shim’s face appears and he let me sit back down the empty bed before returning to his working desk. He eyed me and like the first time we met he seemed to read my mind again. “I took you out of the room last night and snuck you in my office. Jinki won’t forgive me if you get pulled out the cold, breathing the harmful air of yellow dust or get kidnapped by a random nurse.”

I smiled but stopped when I felt my jaw tightened a little as if I’ve been on an odd position the whole night. I looked at the doctor but he just turned away, sipping a cup of coffee and lifting another cup infront of me. I walked slowly to get it from him and sat closer to his desk.

“How is Jinki’s condition?” I took the courage to ask, knowing at least now he had the right to know.

“Worse.” Dr. Shim bluntly says, biting his lips and I did the same thing.

“He told me he puked blood.” I stated, feeling like he needed to know that.

“So he did,” he scribbles something on a notepad, moving the rest of the folders on his desk away. He slams words on the keyboard like a machine and I was about to compliment him but it wasn’t the time to be doing that. “His kidneys and liver are failing him. His lungs had lesions from yesterday due to an allergic reaction. His heart is working twice as much as before, trying to get enough blood to his body.”

He sounded like he was listing a grocery list but those information were vital and he made me familiar with it so I would understand.

“He doesn’t have much time left and that's the only thing I can say to you,” the doctor stated finally looking at me. He hands me pieces of paper from the notepad he had beside him. It's a simple bucket list of trivial stuff to do but what it entails didn't fail to bring me helplessly back to tears. I was wary even seeing the end of that list.

“Those are list of things Jinki wanted to do—His personal wishes. I copied some important things I think he really should do and relisted them for you hoping you know what to do now." Changmin, despite the pained expression looked serene. "Last night, Jinki told me his last wish.”

“W-what is it?” I sobbed, wiping away tears.

“Read it yourself.” He sips his coffee again. “After you’re done crying, leave the room. I have a patient in 10 am.” he walks out and I stared intently at the end of his blue notes.

I wish to  die peacefully Live.