I closed my eyes in pain as I recalled the words you told me over the phone awhile ago. “He was with someone, please just leave him…. How much longer are you gonna cry stupidly?” I was so mad at you. You never liked him from the start, why should I believe you? You’re lying or maybe you just got it wrong. I know you’re just looking out for me but perhaps you just mistook him for someone else. There’s no way he would do that to me. You didn’t talk for awhile and you tell me finally, “Sure you’re right.” Your voice laced with hurt and sorrow.

The tears kept pouring but this time because of you. I’m sorry. I really wish you understand how I’m feeling. You think that I don’t know? I know he cheats on me. He’s the only person I know who can bring me to my lowest, to my knees. But he’s also the man who can lift me up, higher than the soft clouds in the sky that we would stare at from the window of my room after talking for hours.

You visit me a few days after, a bouquet of flowers in your hand, your face contrite. You apologized for your words and I accepted it, letting you inside our home. You walked around, glancing at the paintings I did. Brushing your fingertips over the soft of black and gray over the roughened canvas where I poured out my feelings for him both in happiness and in sorrrow. I noticed your eyes landing on a photo you took of me displayed on the mantle and the pained look that fleetingly crossed your face. I wanted to wrap my arms around you and take all that pain away but I know I couldn’t. Just as much as you can’t take the pain away that I feel whenever he cheats on me. Instead I distract you with words, telling you how I’ve been for the past few days since we last talked on the phone. My voice falters when I hear your quiet sigh as I told you about how he brought me over to the rooftop of the building we live in because he wanted to slow dance under the stars with our hearts beating as the only music. I joke around just to make the awkward lull in the conversation disappear. You grin but then it didn’t reach your eyes like how it always does. It never did, after I got together with him. After we fought for a week when I got so furious at you for telling me that he’ll only hurt me. He will only break my heart and lie to me. “Your friends all know him well. Why don’t you listen to us? Why are you the only one who can’t see when it’s so obvious?”

“I really love him, I think he’s the one for me.” I can still remember the resigned look in your face when I simply told you that in retaliation, as if telling me that you don’t know what to say anymore. They say love is blind, maybe it is since I know that you’re just as blind as me.

You once told me that I deserve so much more. I deserve expensive cars, pretty clothes and luxurious restaurants. You told me that I can never have that with him. It was never about the money. All I wanted was him and at the end of the day maybe that’s what I really deserve. I deserve the fake smiles he would give me while we talk, his hand touching my cheek and hair. The look of pity he would give me hurts and deep down I know you’re right that he must be thinking about another girl but there are moments. Moments where he’s different towards me, his smiles are genuine, his touches loving. I can still recall the day he saw you and I, talking in that coffee shop one afternoon. He was furious. Funny isn’t it? He, of all people, would get mad at me for supposedly cheating when in fact, that very same afternoon I was telling you pointedly that I love him and that I will never leave him.

“I’ll treat you better for all of the tears that you’ve dropped.” What are you saying? Why are you doing this? Please don’t. “You don’t have to go through this on your own, you can share the pain you’ve experienced on your own before.” No, it’s not supposed to be this way. “Just look at me please. Why can’t you see that I’m the one for you?” What have I done? “I don’t care even if you don’t leave him. Just be with me.” 

What have I done to this beautiful man? He is but a shell of who he was before? I told you, you’re as blind as me. I don’t deserve you. Someone much more special does. Someone who will show you the world just as you promised me. But I don’t want that. I want you by my side. Forever. And so I accept, tears streaming down my face. I’ll be with you while I’m with him. I’m selfish, just like him. I don’t want anyone else to have you. You’re blinded by me just as I’m blinded by him. And I apologize to you silently for the hurt I know I’ll put you through as I closed my eyes when you wrapped your arms around me in elation.