Dad you gave me everything.

You spoiled me and taught me the ways of the world.

You taught me to ride a bike, how to build a fire, even how to bait a hook…

 You also taught me never to touch someone if they didn’t tell me to…

Do you remember that day? When you told me that, do you remember?

I was 11 and I tried to kiss a girl at school because I saw it on a movie... The principal called you at work and you came and got me. You told me "Son, people don't like when someone suddenly touches them. You have to make sure they want you to or else it freaks them out. What you see in movies? That’s not true. Movies lie."

But dad, do you remember that movie I caught you watching that day mom was at work?

There was a big scary man, and he touched that boy half his age. The boy told him to stop and he didn't... Did that movie lie, dad? I suppose it did. The boy liked that big scary man eventually.

Dad I don't understand. Why did he like it? It hurt... Dad it HURT.

Why would you do that to me if you knew it would hurt? Why did you keep touching me? You were supposed to be my role model. Is that what I'm supposed to grow up to be? And why did you choose then, that day? Was it because it was my birthday party? Was all the pain you put me through supposed to be a birthday present?

I wasn't even of age dad. Even if I wanted it, I wasn’t. Of. Age.

Do you feel any remorse, or regret? Do you feel guilty?

No one knew, dad. They were all enjoying the party.

Eating my hand picked birthday cake.

Drinking the soda I picked out.

Listening to my favorite songs, while I screamed for my mother.

You told me while we were at the store picking things out for the party, "This is a big day, son. You're growing up to be a fine young man." I was so proud to be such a good father's son. You kept reminding me of how well you raised me.

That I had 'kept it in my pants for someone special' because you made sure I would. I was so proud. But then I found out who you meant when you brought me to the basement. The cold dark basement that we kept meat stored in.

I can't believe I fell for it. You told me my biggest birthday present was down there so I followed you, just like I always had. I followed my father. Because that’s what sons do… don’t they?

I expected a car. Why would a car be in there dad? I was so stupid…

Would you believe me if I told you I didn't blame you at first? I still don't saddle you with the blame, not all of it. How long has it been? A few days? A week? Two weeks? Maybe it's been longer. But I still can’t help but feel like this was somehow my fault.

That entry ended and I realized then that my hands were trembling. My teeth were clenched and I slammed the book shut. I hadn't even made it to my house. I was about twenty feet from the edge of Taemin's unkempt yard, which I hadn't even realized was such a mess until then. I was too focused on him each time I had gone to his door, and as I checked behind me to see just where I had stopped walking, I chewed my lip until it bled, wondering what he was doing at that very moment. It’s no wonder why he didn’t want to be around.

This was what happened? That piece of he had as a father hurt him before he had even... had he said when it was that it happened?

Kiki's words echoed through my mind.

“But spring break happened and then he seemed to say everything. Bleached his hair, stopped signing his name, started wearing that god awful sweater, along with an eyesore of a bandage on his cheek…”

I ran home as the words kept playing through my head like a broken record, and when I rushed inside, I slammed the door, and hightailed it to my room, sitting on the edge of my bed to read the second entry.

Mom...