will you stay with me?" I asked as the night draws nearer. The sky was turning orange, to violet. A great division in the sky indicating the near end of the day. He knows the reason why i asked him that.

 

"I will.." He answered as he swiftly wrapped his arms around me, careful not to crush me, lightly but heartwarming.

 

I leaned back my head on the side of his face, cheek to his neck. Feeling every inhale and exhale he's doing. 

 

"I don't want to sleep..." I informed him as the supposed blinks lasts longer than it should be. My eyelids are tired. Wanting to just close.

 

I heard him take a deep sigh.

 

"I should take you back." he suggested but not moving. Maybe against the idea of departing.

 

"Ani... I want to stay here with you." I told him.

 

Long silence enveloped us as we watch the stars appear. Twinkling in the dark night sky.

 

"Why...?" he asked out of nowhere.

 

Frowning, I looked at him.

 

"Why does it have to be you...?" he asked. Pain evident in his voice.

 

I pecked his lips and faintly smiled.

 

"Maybe God has plans for you. More plans for you than he has for me." I told him and snuggles closer.

 

His grip grew tighter, pulling my jacket back up.

 

I wanted to stay like this. I wanted have these moments with him more in the future. I love how he makes me feel special... I... I just love him more than anything.

 

"We should go back. It's getting cold..." He said as he loosens his grip after I coughed.

 

I don't have a choice. I'm really feeling cold. Being out in the park that long really drained the hell out of me.

 

As we drive back, I look back how short our relationship was. 3 yeas. And in that short span of time, a lot happened. Things we can't even imagine.

 

In a few minutes, I'm back home, in my bed, resting. With him standing before me, ready to go.

 

"Text me when you get home." A request, but not really.

 

"I will." He assured me as he kissed my forehead. "I'll send you a message as soon as i reach the office. I have to finish something first. Plus Teddy hyung's asking me to drop by for final revisions for the album."

 

I nodded. Of course he has work.

 

"Good night Hunnie." He pecks my lips before finally leaving and soon after I succumb to sleep.

 

+++

 

About 70% of the day, I'm sleeping. By 3 in the afternoon, Jiyong's back beside my bed, fiddling his iPad. Fixing up his album or probably just playing.

 

Too engrossed with what he's doing, he didn't realize that I'm actually watching him. Examining him.

 

Since that day, he started shedding weight. From taking care of me to the stress from work. Dark circles form below his eyes. Almost as dark as Seungri's. Things I notice and feel bad for.

 

I used to run my thumb along them... But whenever I do that, he'll just come up with an excuse.

 

I sadly smile at the sight before me. Thankful that I have someone like him. Sad for I don't know how long I would still stay around.

 

"Hey," His deep voice broke my trance. "How long have you been watching me?" he asked as he leaned over to peck my lip. My chapped, dehydrated lips.

 

"Not that long." I replied as I sit up. "Album's done?"

 

He smiled. "Almost. We'll have the album cover shoot this week, then MV filming the next day."

 

I nodded. Acknowledging him.

 

"No girls in the video please?" I suddenly blurted out, hence making him laugh his heart out.

 

"Just Aimee." 

 

I pouted. Not that I hate Aimee and I don't trust Aimee. Its just that, he had a very sensual dance routine with her.

 

"Nothing PG13 Hun. Don't worry." he assured me.

 

Just like any other day, we spent the afternoon and early night together before I felt the bed pulling me back to its arms.

 

"I'll be back tomorrow." he promised as he walk to the door.

 

"Hun, no need. We can just call each other... I know you're busy."

 

He sighed. "I'll still try to drop by."

 

+++

 

True to the promise, he MV didn't contain anything sensual. It mirrored what Jiyong's probably feeling about what's happening to us. It has the same feel as Haru Haru and Lies blend into one.

 

His promotions started to pick up. We rarely see each other, but Facetime works it ways.

 

It was in the middle of his promotions and Bigbang's concert when the inevitable came. 

 

I was rushed to the hospital.

 

I pleaded my Dad not to tell him anything, not until he's back in the country.

 

My lungs are failing me. An oxygen tank became my buddy starting that day. And 80% of the day, i'm sleeping.

 

Dad never left my side. Not until Jiyong is back. But he's always there. I know. He's the only family I have left.

 

*~^~*~^~*~^~*

 

I missed her. 3 days of being away from her felt like eternity.

 

With bags of gifts for her from our trip, I prepare to exit the plane.

 

"Ji, Teddy's waiting for you at the VIP lounge. I have arranged your immigration stuff plus everything. Just go head there. Fast." My manager whispered as we walk out to the airport.

 

Confused, I head straight to where the ground attendants point me to. Different from where the boys are going.

 

I met Teddy hyung and he's anxiously pacing beside the car that was parked directly in front of the VIP lounge.

 

"Hyung." I called and approached him. "Waeyo?" 

 

He grabbed my bag and put it on the back seat of his SUV.

 

"Get in. Hanee's in the hospital since saturday noon." 

 

I immediately rushed in the car and frustratedly waited for us to reach wherever she is. 

 

Damn it.

 

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone inform me about this yesterday? What happened?" I bombarded him with questions. My girlfriend was rushed to the hospital 2 days ago and no one informed me. Great.

 

"She asked us not to." he answered shortly and parked at the nearest slot  by the main entrance.

 

It was probably the longest 5 minutes of my life. Waiting for the goddamn elevator and walking to her room.

 

Her friend opened the door for us. TOP hyung's girlfriend.

 

"She's sleeping." She told us.

 

 I rushed by her side. Tube helping her breathe, IV on her hand. She looks so fragile.

 

"She had a hard time breathing but she's fine." Jiah shared. "Yongjun ahjussi will pick her up later at 5. She'll be discharged by then."

 

I nodded and sat beside her bed. If only i can, i'll cancel all my commitments until i know she's better.

 

Tired from the flight, i didnt notice that i actually fell asleep. I just felt a hand over my head, touching my hair. As if combing it.

 

"Hanee.." I called as i look up and saw her smiling.

 

" How was the concert?" she asked.

 

I kissed the back of her hand and teary looks at her. "Spectacular."

 

She smiled. Tiredly smiled at me. Then frowns.

 

"Wae...?" I worriedly asked.

 

"No take-home gifts?" 

 

I chuckled at how cute she was. Still thinking about souvenirs.

 

"I do." i told her and pointed the paper bags not far from us. "I got you your favorite chocolate, perfume and something from Thailand. Want to check them now?"

 

"Later.." she replied.

 

"How are you feeling...?" I asked to break the annoying seconds of silence.

 

"Tired... But good.." She then smiled at me.

 

I smiled back. Smiles that i would surely miss. I know, sooner or later, it will happen. I don't want to lie to myself, sugarcoat the fact that we won't be together for long.

 

Sometimes I do ask the heavens. Why does it have to be her? Why does it have to be us? Why now? 

 

This freaking sickness that's eating her body little by little was learned a little less than a year ago. It was on the latter stage. She tried all possible cure and medications, but it just tortured the hell out of her. Especially the radiation.

 

+++

 

"I love you..." I told her while watching TV with her. For the nth time this day.

 

She smiled at me and leaned her head on my shoulder. "I love you more..."

 

"How does Jinho sounds like?" I suddenly asked her.

 

"Cute name." She giggled. "Why? You're getting a new dog or something?"

 

"Ani... I'm thinking of our kids' names. Jinho, Hyunwoo." 

 

Silence filled us both. Worried, i checked up on her.

 

Tears were silently dripping down her face.

 

"Hun..."

 

"Sorry..." She murmured repeatedly. 

 

I want to ask why... But i know the reason why. We'll never have kids...

 

I held her tight, trying to keep pacify her a bit. "Shhhhh..." i cooed.

 

With her face buried on my chest, we stayed together that night.

 

I did not sleep. I was not sleepy. I just watched her. Probably too afraid to let her slip away in my sleep.

 

+++

 

"Jiyong, you need to sleep." It was Se7en hyung.

 

Its her last day of wake... And I never left her side. Only for baths and short breaks.

 

"I'm good hyung..." I told him with a bitter smile.

 

"You know her, she doesn't like dark circles on your eyes man." He then pats my back and proceeds to the area where most YGE artists are.

 

I know.. But i just can't... The last few days i'll be with her... To be literally with her. 

 

+++

 

I was fighting the urge to cry. I promised her I won't cry. I assured her that I wont have clogged nose today.

 

But as they lower her casket to the ground, I can't take it anymore... Behind my darkest glasses, my eyes are puffy, red and teary. I closed my eyes tight, for i don't want to see it disappear right before my very eyes. 

 

The tears I'm fighting not to shed run down both my cheeks. Silently weeping, silently uttering a curse. Not to her, but to the fact that she's really gone. 

 

Why? 

 

Why

 

Why?

 

Why?

 

I can't stop asking as I can't come up with any answer.

 

I grip on the stem of the rose that i'm holding. Never wanting to let it go. Never wanting to drop it in the deep hole in the ground with her casket as others do so.

 

I want to keep holding on to it... To her... To us...

 

My knees gave in. I slump to the ground and tears finally ran down nonstop. Still gripping on to the stem of the rose.

 

While they start covering the hole with more dirt...

 

+++

 

"How are you..?" Her Dad asked a week after the burial.

 

"Good." i answered shortly. I've been hiding in the dorm, not caring about almost anything. And I do visit her everyday.

 

"You don't look good son..." he said and then pulled something out of his bag when i didn't reply. "I was cleaning her room... When i stumbled upon this. Its for you." he then handed me her laptop. "I checked on it.. A note was on the screen. Telling me to give it to you."

 

Half heartedly, I reached for the laptop.

 

"Thank you..."

 

He smiled at me and held my hand. "Thank you for being with my daughter until the end... I know she's happy wherever she right now because of you..."

 

+++

 

I never had the courage to open the laptop... Too afraid to look... Way too coward to face the reality...