Fix Me
Fix You
Kai never knew a hand could be so warm. He never knew a smile could be so radiant and full of life and he never knew that not everyone had to have an ulterior motive for being with him. The hand guiding him forward, away from the dark depths of his life, intertwines their fingers and the boy glances back to give Kai a searing smile.
Why me?
Kai couldn't understand how someone so beautiful, so perfect, saw something in him and wanted to take him away, embrace him when others simply used and disposed of him. Kai allowed himself to be led, hoping that he had finally found it. Happiness, and someone to share his bandaged heart with.
The small apartment reminded Kai of a little haven, pristine and clean and reminding him so much of the little male leading him. His eyes stretched over the expanse of the living room, where a long white couch dominated the space with a big TV taking up the rest of the space. Every ounce of the room was unspeckled and white, the light from the kitchen off to the side still luminous.
"Can you sit and wait for me?" The small hand Kai likes holding releases, leaving him aching for the simple touch, and points towards the couch. Kai is used to motel rooms and nights filled with pain as his body is abused, used beyond recognition, the money thrown at his face tearing his heart in two. He shuffles towards the white couch, cringing as he sat, afraid the dirt from his body will destroy the perfection around him. He had already left grime all over that small hand.
"Jongin, do you want anything to eat?" Kai looks towards the kitchen to see that small, beautiful male wrapping a snug apron around his waist, his big adoring eyes trained on Kai's sun-kissed skin, and he can't find anything better.
"You said . . . My name. My real name." How did he know? Kai was merely a shell, a name given to him when he was forced into this predicament, a , to put it lightly. Kim Jongin had lay dormant inside for so long, crying, begging for someone, anyone, to see him. Kim Jongin was not a , he was a derpy boy who loved to dance, on the street, in the shower, in the rain.
"That is your name. And its an amazing name." Kai doesn't think he deserves such kindness, especially with the profession he is in, but with such sweet words, he thinks maybe.
Maybe I can be happy too.
Maybe he can make me feel clean.
The little dining table is set, two plates filled to the brim with delicious kimchi spaghetti and wine glasses filled with simple apple juice. Kai watches the boy fiddle with his fork before peering up at him through thick, raven eyelashes that flutter prettily.
"So, tell me about yourself." He was the first to ask, instead of ing his shirt and pushing him against a filthy mattress.
"What do you want to know?"
"Why do you . . ." Why was he a ? Why did he become a ? All of the questions came to life in those big, expressive eyes.
"There is nothing else for me to do. I'm not good enough for anything but lying on my back," Kai murmured with contempt, his heart aching as he remembered how the men took advantage of him, of his innocence and his heart.
"And who told you that Jongin?" Those eyes simply willed the answer out of Kai, all of his trust falling on those frail shoulders.
"My mother. My father. My sister. The people that pay to use me." Kai mentally checked off each name, the fissure in his heart deepening.
"Do you believe it? Do you think your not good enough?" Instead of replying, Kai brushed the question away with a flick of the wrist and opted for filling his mouth with the food graciously prepared before him. It was delicious, utterly delicious, and Kai couldn't understand where his appetite came from. He usually never ate so much.
Forks clatter against empty dishes and Kai is asked to sit while the boy washes the dishes. He doesn't like feeling useless, unneeded, so Kai stands and goes to his side, warmth practically radiating from the small boy, and began to wash, his nimble fingers slightly shivering each time their hands came into contact. When the work was finished, Kai felt his wet hand taken, those fingers locking with his and leading him towards what he assumes is the bedroom.
Was this simply pity and lies? Kai shook his head, he didn't want to think of this date as nothing. It meant so much to him and he would not deny it. He was led, indeed, to the bedroom. A soft looking bed with a wooden bed frame and a dresser filled with delicate trinkets and bottles took up most of the space, and a closet slightly opened to reveal an array of color. He lost the fingers again, and watched the boy walk over and fall against his bed. Kai followed, but fear held him standing. He was afraid this was a lie, that it was all a ploy when he could have easily been paid at a disgusting motel. His chest tightened as he took a step closer, a trembling hand reaching for his tie. He loosened it considerably before those nurturing hands took a hold of his, and the boy shook his head, tugging Kai closer and pulling him onto the soft cushion of a bed.
"But, I thought-"
"No Jongin. I didn't bring you here to have with you. I'd never do that to you when all you really want is to be held by somebody, and loved unconditionally. If you let me, I'll be that person. I'll never hurt you and I'll never let you be alone." Kai stared. His mind had completely erupted into full panic. No one had ever told him they would stay, they would care. He was frightened and ashamed and he didn't think he was enough. He was garbage.
"But I'm broken." The boy pulled Kai close, an intimate embrace between the trying to love and the trying to be loved. Kai could feel his chest moving, each breath, the feel of their heartbeats moving in sync. They laid back against the snow white covers and Kai closed his eyes as a hand ran through his thick locks. It was a first among many actions Kai wanted to experience even more.
"Then I will fix you."
It was well into the night and Kai found himself holding Kyungsoo close, his chest pressed against the small boy's back. He could feel Kyungsoo breathing, a soft whistling sound leaving his full lips each time he exhaled. Kai, no, JONGIN, found it beyond words. He shifted his head closer to where he could sneakily breathe in Kyungsoo's honey-like scent and sighed. This, this was more then he had ever anticipated. He thought back to that question Kyungsoo asked him while they ate dinner.
"Do you believe it? Do you think your not good enough?" Jongin more then believed he was worthless, he was positive. After having the same words bashed into his brain or more than one account, Jongin let Kai take over. He let Kai feel the pain, the harsh hands all over his body, the disgusting words whispered in his ear as rough hands bruise his flesh. He let Kai take it, while Jongin hid, alone and broken.
"I don't think I'm good enough," Jongin mumbled in the silence, "I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you Kyungsoo, but," Jongin cradled Kyungsoo gently, smiling, "I'll keep trying until I am."
There was a sliver a smile on the sleeping boy's smooth countenance, the arms enveloping him giving him more than enough heat. He sighed as he slept, murmuring a 'Jongin' in his dreams. Jongin heard the whisper and hoped he too could dream of the boy hidden in his arms.
He would allow himself to be fixed.
By the boy who took his hand and held it close, refusing to break the bond no matter what.
By the boy whose eyes held so much emotion when they stared at him, large and inviting.
And by the boy that could smile and light up Jongin's world.
By Do Kyungsoo.
Finished editing .
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