I am Kim Hee Chul and until now, having gone through all the troughs and zeniths of my life, I consider myself quite experienced. I can put on various kinds of façades easily. I can suavely mesmerize my screaming fans and make them swoon with my cute juicy facial expression. I can endure the immense pain and tiredness of practicing perpetually for more than two days, and immediately head towards an entertainment show filming place. Life has trained me into a being which is unimaginable for the same Kim Hee Chul ten years ago.

Oh yes my fans may be so crazy over my cute, a bit haughty, cat-like, seducing and devil-may-care image that they are unable to, or refuse to see something much deeper, something inherent, something not purposely put on to gain popularity. You can’t see that I am lonely and emaciated inside. You can’t imagine the most inhumanly days which I have gone through. You don’t understand how I struggled to overcome my puniness and frailty so that I can transit into the Kim Hee Chul today. And after all the hard work when I am finally able to overlook my achievements, you don’t realize that there is a strand of bitterness melded in my glory.

The bitterness… Well, this may be the most intricate feeling which I have ever tried to depict.

 ***
Ten years ago, I was just an anonymous boy, plainly dressed with a pellucid pair of eyes.WhenI first reach Seoul, I stood outside the train station, stared at the flashing neon of the unknown city, somehow startled and lost. In retrospect, there was a fresh aura exuded from the 18-years-old me. The aura has probably waned by now. It is …inevitable.

Very quickly, a middle-aged man clad in a decent suit approached me and genially introduced himself. Overwhelmed with uncertainty and excitement, I knew that he was the manager in charge of all new trainees but I didn’t really hear his name. But his friendly tone and soothing beam did clear much of my angst.

The long view over the city leaved me with a most splendid image. My humble silhouettewith luggage, however,leaved not even a faintestimpression to the fast-changing city.

I was brought to an apartment block, which is apparently chosen to be the trainee’s dormitory due to its low rent.  The staircase squeaked at our weight as we climbed up the 7^thfloor. The lobby was small and permeated with the moldy smell of dust. The summer night’s humidity drenched my cotton shirt. Climbing up the floors, I knew that I am approaching my future step by step. The future, which latent possibilities as well as impedances lay on the way. I adjusted my breath, suppressed my uneasiness and tried to imagine how my roommates would be like. The manager seemed to read my mind, “They are all nice people, don’t worry.”He turned to me and said in a relaxed tone. I nodded gently, accelerated my steps.

The door opened, the manager tilted his body to allow me to enter before him. I briefly glanced at the apartment. Simple furnishes in a bland beige tone, tailored to suit the rudimental needs of the tenants. No ornaments, no decorations. Light bulb of low voltage dimly lighted up the empty living room. Entire apartment is environed in reticence except the lowered volume of the evening news showing on TV.

“Guys, come out. Didn’t I tell you your new roommate will arrive by today?” Manager yelled with subtle displeasure. Moments later, a tall guy of about my age strode out of   the bedroom.

“Where are YunHo and JaeJoong?” Manager was now patently displeased.

He slightly shook his head and stammered to exposit something. His Korean was incoherent with a strange pronunciation. Unlike my local Kangwan Do dialect, the way he spoke made it apparent that he was not Korean. After he had a few futile attempts of trying to exposit something, the manager shook his hand, took out his phone and dialed a number.  

“Hi, my name is HanKyung.” He said quickly in a smooth cadence, looking slightly abashed and uneasy in front of me.

That was when I took close look at this intriguing guy. Standing 1.8m from the ground, an ineffable aura besieged him. His black hair was a bit too long and out-of-style, but it added a tint of tenderness to his clearly defined face. His appearance was naturally seductive without many blemishes. His muscles were well-trained with a healthy sheen. He looked at me and gave me an impeccable warm beam. I felt my heart pounding hard at that very moment, but it is ephemeral.

 I reached out my hand and tried to be easy. “Kim Hee Chul.” I cheerfully said and stared into his eyes. A subtle blush swept over his face and he subliminally tried to avert his eyesight. I was not surprised. My feminine appearance earned me admirations and infatuations from guys since I was in junior high. Even my closest buddy found it awkward to stare at me boldly.

His nature respond, however, brought a tinge of queer bliss to me. I was environed in a balmy pleasure for that entire night.

And HanKyung, you can hardly imagine how desperate I am now to keep a vestige of the 18-years-old you in my memory. Time has obliterated so many things. A taciturn inevitability changed us thoroughly. If I could ever presage the future at that time, I wouldn’t hesitate to hold you tightly with all I have.