Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you Girl
Could someone tell me how can this be

 

We were lying on the hood of car, just basking in the sunset on top of the hill, that’s our favorite spot. We come here often whenever we have free time.  

The winds blows, a bit chilly I might say, but the person beside me keeps me warmth enough. Her hand claps with mine tightly. I look down at our hands, feeling happy as it fits perfectly.

“What’s going on in that cute little head of yours?” her husky voice hits my eardrums giving me a slight shiver.

I shook my head, returning my eyes at her face.

She’s perfect. Her cute pouty lips, her pointy nose and most of all, her eyes. Her mesmerizing black orbs that drawn me onto her. I lift my hand subconsciously tracing her eye lids, her nose and lastly her lips.

“You’re perfect you know that” I mutters under my breathe.

The woman in front of me chuckles.

“Sica-baby, you’re soo random” she says causing me to smile from ear to ear.

She fondles my hair whilst locking her gaze onto mine. With every I can feel my heart is about to burst out of my chest.

She leans closer to me, slowly…. And she stops a few centimeter from my lips. I could feel her y breathe and her alluring smells that I’m so crazy about.

“I love you Sica-baby” she utters before our lips mesh with each other, creating a very familiar sparks inside of me.

 

 

How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's to late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

 

“Jessie… you look pretty”

I snaps out from my day dreaming, and welcome by the sight of myself in front of the mirror, wearing a very grand wedding dress whilst the Tiffany looking at me from behind.

“I look… too much”

Tiffany tilts her head, keeping her eyes at my dress. She nodded after a few second.

“Not really your style but… I guess it’ll do” she reply with honesty in her voice.

I turn around and sit on couch while waiting for the time to come.

“Nervous?” she asks

I look at her and sighs a bit.

Am i? Nervous?

Truth to be told, I’m not nervous, at all. I mean, I could not feel anything. No sickness, no shakiness, no nothing whatsoever.

I’m supposed to have wedding jitters right? Today is my wedding day for goodness sake.

Today I’m going to marry the man of my dream…

Today I’m going to be someone’s wife

Today I’m going to be Mrs. Jaejoong…

No more Jessica Jung for me…

No more play time,

No more being dorky

No more…. Yuri??

My heart ache almost immediate by the thought of it.

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce

 

Then I remember the dreams that I always had…

The dream where I can be myself,

The dream where my dream comes true,

The dream where it was just me and…….

 

I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you
 

“You’re okay Jess? You don’t look so good?” Tiffany asks with her husky voice laced with worried.

I shook my head and granted her a small smile that I tried really hard putting on.

“Nae, I’m fine… really. You don’t have to worry about me”

Tiffany took my hand into hers, giving it a light squeeze.

“You know that you can talk to me about anything right?”

I nodded “I know Tiff, no worries”

Tiffany gives her a knowing stare, but after a few second, she decided to give up.

“Okay, call me if you need anything okay? Seobaby is just outside and Hyoyeon is in the next room”

I nodded for the umpteenth time that hour.

 

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say I should've grabbed you up and never let you go
I should've went out with you
I should've made you my boo boy
Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules
I should've went on a date
Should've found a way to escape
Should've turned a almost into
If it happened now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel

 

Am I doing the right thing now?

Am I on my right mind accepting his proposal?

Am I ready?

Am i….

Jessica NO! stop it… I shook my head furiously, as if the thought and my doubt would swift away… somehow.

The clock ticking and she haven’t show up.

I’m beginning to get worried. I look at the door numerous times, hoping that she would pop her head from the back of the door and whisk me away with her pearly smiles that I love so much.

Then the clock bell rings throughout the hallway.

The time has come. I get up from the bed and fix my veil. Seohyun come to the room and helps to set up everything. She gives her innocent smile, which I couldn’t help but to smile back.

“So, unnie, how does it feels?” She asks

“Feels about what Seobaby?” I asks her back

“Getting married” she smiles, stating the obvious.

I stop for a while, thinking back the question. Not knowing what to say i turn to look at the sky from the window.

Today is a beautiful day. The birds were chirping, singing a happy song I presume. The sky was blue and the sense of calmness creeping over me. Especially by the thought of lying around the grassy field on top of the hill.

“Seo…” I trail

“Nae Unnie?”

“What does it feels like be with someone that you love?” I ask without looking at her.

I could feel that Seohyun was a bit taken aback with my question. I mean, who wouldn’t, this is my wedding day for goodness sake, I am supposed to be with someone that I love for this wedding to happen. You get what mean? Oh, great… I’m talking to myself again.

“What’s it’s like to be with Yoona?” I utter the name that Seohyun loves so much.

I turn around and welcome by the sight of a very blushing Seohyun, I couldn’t help but sniggers.

“Aigo, maknae… you’re adorable” I cup both of her cheeks.

“It feels wonderful Unnie… It feel magnificent” she mutters under her breathe “There is nothing that I wanted more than to be with Yoona after all the hardship that we have to faced”

I nodded “I’m happy for you Seo, and I hope everything is going to be perfectly well after this”

“I’m hoping for the same thing for you to unnie” Seohyun says slowly

There is something in voice that makes me saddened for a few second. What does she meant by that?

 

The wedding goes according to plan after that, the doves were freed as Jaejoong and I professed our vow and the exchange of our rings. And not to forget, the cold hard lips against mine.

I sits still on the chair and jaejoong sits beside me while chatting with his friends.

I feel stuffy and crowded. I never like or never plan big wedding for myself. Most girl would go for it, but not me. I love simple wedding. Not to much and not less than that. Perhaps I would have my wedding on top of the hill if I were ever given that chance. Wait, why am I still talking about that hills. Seriously, Jessica, you got to stop all this nonsense.

 

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there (sometimes I wanna rub ya)
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce (but tonight I wanna love ya)
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said its impossible to miss when you never had
Never, never almost had you (but tonight I wanna love ya)

 

Out of nowhere, I was welcome by the sight of a very attractive young lady who sits on the stool up on the stage.

The tanned skin woman never cease to make my heart pounds.

“Sica-ah, this song is for you”

Her husky voice fills up the hall and especially into my head.

Our song…. My heart breaks… the emotion that she conveys through the song was overwhelming. Does she… am i… I couldn’t even think straight at this moment. What I know is , I really should say something to her, anything….

I make my way down, and walk towards her. As I’m getting nearer, my heart skips a beat.

 

We dance in the middle of the hall, with our body press together. I could feel her heart beat synchronize with mine.

Now or never…

I told her that I wanted to sing her a song… and she nodded, which I’m so glad of.

“…Why is it just my love that is late
Why is it just my love that is hard
Although I'm right in front of you, although I'm right beside you
You were my whole world
I see only you
But when when I'm in front of you, I always look away…” 

[Taeyeon- ost]

 

I ended the song with crystals fall down my face. My heart ache soo much.

“Saranghae seobang-ah…”

That was it…..

The line that I wanted to say so much

The line that I have beed dreading to tell her…

The line that my heart speaks only for her…

Only for Kwon Yuri…

From the judge of her face, she finally knew,, she finally understand.

I couldn’t blame her… for being too oblivious

I couldn’t blame myself either for being stupidly slow when it comes to this…

Maybe we’re just two utterly undeniably stupid people who were very scared of rejection.

Are we supposed to end up like this?

With a broken heart?

Is it written in our book of life?

I wouldn’t want to think of it that way.

Jaejoong come at the wrong time, pulling me away from the love of my life.

I could see the hurt on her face and I’m sure she could see mine as well.

Before I lived my life as someone’s else wife, I pull her closer to me…

““Promise me, In another life… I would be your girl… and don’t ever let me go”

She closes her eyes.

Even though, I’d walk away a few feet from her, I could hear her voice

“I promise,,,”

And that was all it takes for me to smile.

Kwon Yuri, see you in another life….. Saranghae.