Things are different once you grow up. The little things that used to make you happy aren’t that important anymore. We all move on. The little flowers in the garden don’t look all that pretty once you’ve grown up.

JiHo had always wondered what it would be. To go back to Seoul. The place he had left everything. His friends, family. His whole life.
Would his friend recognize him? Would his parent be happy to have him back?
These are the questions he asks himself every day.

Japan is different. It’s another life. He can’t say he doesn’t like it. It’s just different. He doesn’t think he had ever really made his own hole there. Never had friends like he had back in Korea. He barely goes out from his flat. Only to go to work. And even there, he thinks that it’s not really what he wants actually.
But why deny something you have. Would it be better back in Korea? Would if feel better to be back in a city he had left? A city he had run away from?

It’s been a long time since his brother had tried to contact him. Probably a year or even more. He doesn’t really remember.
So he’s a bit surprised when he receives a mail from TaeWoon one day.

‘Come back here. We need you.’

Nothing more.  He wonders for a second why would his brother send him a mail.
He sees his parents smile, and think that maybe it’s time to go back. To prove them that he’s not just a coward. That he can affront his own demons.

He takes the first plane to go back to Seoul the next day. Packing hadn’t been difficult. He doesn’t have a lot of things anyway. Most of them are valueless items he gathered through the years. His resignation mail is sent.
He only has to find his place, back in Seoul.

It’s weird. To go back home after all these years. To read Korean everywhere. To hear people speaking Korean around him. He had missed it. Maybe a little bit, now that he thinks about it.

His brother is there. At the airport. Looking a bit older than the last time they have seen each other. TaeWoon looks exhausted too. The bags under his eyes don’t go unseen, but he smiles when he sees JiHo walking to him.
‘Welcome home bro’ TaeWoon says as he hugs his brother tightly.
‘ Hey’

It’s quite awkward. The trip back home. They don’t really have anything to say to each other. They had never been really talkative to begin with.

‘Why did you ask me to come back here?’
TaeWoon glances at him and sighs, hands griping tightly at the steering wheel.  And JiHo can see that something’s not good.
‘Mom’s health isn’t good. She asked for you.’
JiHo looks at his brother for a moment, trying to grasp the situation.
‘What do you mean she’s not well?
- The doctor said it’s mainly exhaustion and stress. I don’t know what to think to be honest.
- Mom was always the stronger from all of us…
- I know JiHo. I just wanted you to be here for her.’
JiHo nods and looks at the city by the window. Things did change. A lot. 7 years is a long time after all.

Being home is even weirder than he had expected it to be. His father looks tired, and his mother barely has the strength to stand up and hug him. His heart squeezes and he tries not to think about why he had left Seoul in first place.
There is a little boy playing in the living room and for a short moment he tries to remember who it is. But the boy looks up and runs to TaeWoon calling for his dad, and JiHo realizes how much he had missed while he was away. YeJi comes out from the kitchen, a tight smile on her face and greet JiHo warmly. They haven’t seen each other in 7 years. Since his brother’s wedding. But she smiles at him and tells him to sit. That the food is ready.
He glances at his mother and sees the tender look she gives YeJi. He can’t help but feel a bit uneasy and out of place. But he tries to smile and eats the delicious food in front of him. He can’t remember the last time he has eaten something that tasty. But doesn’t say anything. It wouldn’t help for anything.

He goes out in the garden after dinner. A cigarette in hand. A lighter in the other. But can’t decide whether he actually wants to smoke or not. It’s weird how such little and irrelevant questions seems way more important now that he’s back.
He looks up to the sky. It’s summer. Around July if he can remember well. The weather’s nice, and he can even see some stars.
The door opens behind him and he turns to see his father walking towards him. They sit in silence for a moment. Both of them not sure about what they’re supposed to say.
‘ We’ve missed you, you know. Especially your mother.
- I know. I’ve missed you too’ he says, glancing at his father. ‘But I had to go. I couldn’t stay here.
- Why did you come back then?
- TaeWoon asked me to. I wanted to come back. For a long time. I was only searching for the good opportunity I guess.
- Are you going to see your friends? ‘
JiHo raises his eyes to the sky and sighs. He tries his best to keep his tears inside. There is no need to cry. Not here, not now. He hasn’t cried in 7 years, there is no need to do it now.
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for that for the moment.
- We see some of them sometimes… JiHoon stops by sometimes when he has time, to keep company to your mom. Such a nice kid. YuKwon too. He took care of LeUh a few times.’
JiHo nods.
‘It’s nice. If they’re happy.
- Happy doesn’t mean they forgot JiHo. You don’t have to forget to be happy. You have to live with it. You can’t let that hold you back forever.’
JiHo faces his father, smiling slightly.
‘It’s not that easy Dad. I wish I could.’

He thinks he’s quite lucky. That he didn’t bump into any of them sooner. It takes a few weeks before he meet JiHoon for the first time. And it had gave him time to think about how he should react if something like that happened. So he does as planned.
Feigned not to recognize the younger, which isn’t that complicated. JiHoon had taken a few more cm since the last time they saw each other.  He’s no longer wearing the big round spectacles, not a hoodie, and looks more sophisticated. A simple blue T-Shirt and jeans with sneakers. And a cap on his head.

‘JiHo?!’
The next step was to do as if he wasn’t sure about who was talking to him. In theory. But to see JiHoon in front of him. For real, is something totally different. So he just smiles, or at least tries his best, and the younger’s eyes lit up.
‘ Oh my god… It’s really you?
- JiHoon…’
The younger hugs him tightly, and he has to remind himself not to feel too overwhelmed too. It wouldn’t be good.
‘I can’t believe you’re here. What… What are you doing here?
- I’m back’
JiHoon gaps, and stares at him for a moment.
‘For real?
-Yeah… But… Don’t tell anyone. Please. I just… I still need some time you know.’
JiHo can see the expression on JiHoon’s face falling. His father was probably right. They’re happy but it doesn’t mean they have forgotten.
‘Of course. Well… I have to go or else I’ll be late but… Call me whenever you want… If you want to hang out or anything… You brother have my number.
- Yes. Thank you.
- The boys would be really happy to see you, you know.
- I’m not…
- They will Hyung, I’m sure of it.’
JiHoon’s encouraging smile makes his heart sink a bit.
‘It’s nice to have you back Hyung’ JiHoon says before he walks away, a smile on his face.

The walk back home feels way longer than usual. He has forgotten what he was supposed to do in town, and is now retreating home. Better.
Inside the house there is no sound. His mother was sleeping in her room, and everyone else was out. Probably working. All of them.
So he walks through the house silently. Looking at what has changed, and what is still the same. The frames on the walls haven’t changed. Some pictures were added on the buffet.
He takes the stairs slowly, no sure about what he could find upstairs. It used to be TaeWoon’s and his room, as long as a playing area that, he knew because LeUh had told him over dinner the first day he had arrived, was now his nephew’s room.
He had refused to go back to his room. Preferring the guest room in the basement. And now that he has to go back there again he’s a bit afraid. His mother had told him they hadn’t changed a thing. That it was still the same. A part of him wishes his parents had made something of this room instead of keeping it intact. Full of memories.

There are still the old posters he had hanged on the wall. His desk his cleaned up, and his books are all put in order on the shelf. It wasn’t that tidy when he had left. He can remember it very well. The books had been thrown of the floor, clothes scattered everywhere. He had only taken the strict necessary and had left.

He smiles seeing his old games tucked in a corner. His mother had probably put them there after they had renovated LeUh’s room.
He tries to avoid the pictures, the clothes, everything that could remind him, of why he didn’t want to come here in first place. But it’s like avoiding his shadow. Nearly impossible.
It’s a picture of his last year here, a few months before the accident that catches his eyes.  They’re all there grinning stupidly at the camera. All looking perfectly happy. Totally unaware of what was to happen after.
He sits on his bed sighing, and clutching at the picture in his hand. The tears are back and he tries to fight them. He does. Really hard. But he can’t. And for once he thinks that’s it’s probably okay to do so. Because no one’s here to judge him and nobody is going to ask him why he is crying if they find him like that. So he does cry. For all the 7 years he hasn’t. For the 7 years he has missed him.
7 years. It’s way too long.

It’s TaeWoon who finds him asleep on his old bed. He doesn’t really know what time it is. Just that outside the sun has set and he can hear his father laughing downstairs.
‘You’re okay?’ TaeWoon asks as he sits next to him.
‘I’m fine.’
They stay silent for a while. Both of them glancing at the picture on the bed, from time to time.
‘I saw JiHoon today.
- Oh…
- He grew up nicely. He looked ok.
- Yeah, he’s… he’s okay.
- They’re all okay… right? ‘
TaeWoon looks at him with a questioning look
‘I mean… None of them did stupid things? I mean… After what happened…
- No. It took some times for them to recover. For all of them. Some more than others… JiHoon was the most affected. We thought for a moment that he wouldn’t make it, to be honest. But he’s fine now.
- I should have been there.’
TaeWoon sighs and rests a hand on his knee.
‘You had to do your own things. But… Yes. JiHoon could have done with your help. He needed you. So did all the others. But the past is the past JiHo. What you did won’t be changed.
- I know… I wished I could though.
- JiHo…’
TaeWoon’s voice was nearly a whisper, and JiHo looked up at him.
‘You have to stop living in the past. You won’t be able to change anything. Face the reality. Kyung is gone; nothing will be able to bring him back. ‘
The tears were back, and for a moment JiHo thought that he was going to throw up. That’s how he realized that after 7 years…. He had never been able to grieve. Never. He had never accepted the fact that his best friend had died.
‘I want you to start living again. Go out, see you friends. They need you as much as you need them.
- They…
- They WANT to see you JiHo. Do you know how many times they come here to ask mom if she has some news from you? All of them JiHo. ALL OF THEM.’

JiHo doesn’t really know what he’s doing to be honest. He remembers sending a message to JiHoon asking if he could gather the others, without telling them that he was back. But now that he’s in front of the address JiHoon gave him, probably the younger’s new place, he’s not sure at all about what he’s doing. If he’s doing it right.
He looks up at the sky. He doesn’t have a lot to lose he realizes. If this doesn’t work… He could still fly to another country and starts all over again. New Zealand maybe. Kyung had always wanted to go there.
He knocks on the door, heart rushing. He has some trouble breathing, and he’s pretty sure he looks about to faint. But the door opens and JiHoon is grinning like crazy, hauling him inside the apartment, and crushing him in a tight hug.
‘It’s good to see you Hyung. Come on… they’re all in the living room.’

They’re all there. Just as JiHoon had promised it. And there are some new faces too… but he can’t blame them. They had all the rights to make new friends. 7 years is a long time after all.

MinHyuk and YuKwon are sitting next to each other on the couch. MinHyuk’s arm over the younger’s shoulder, both of them engrossed in what seems to be a soccer match on TV.
TaeIl is sitting on a tool bar, a pretty girl next to him, chatting and giggling.
HanHae is on the balcony, probably smoking with what seems to be a girl in a summer dress.
There is also a guy a bit younger than JiHo, who walks to JiHoon as soon as they enter the room, whispering something in the youngest ear.

And then there is JaeHyo who comes out of the kitchen, a beer in hand, and who catch sight of them the moment they come in, before anyone else. JaeHyo froze and his expression goes from happy to totally unreadable, and JiHo can feel his heart aching.

JaeHyo is still as handsome as he remembers. If not more. The older’s hair isn’t that long anymore, but cut shorter and styled in a beautiful way. His fashion is as good as ever, JiHo realizes.

‘Everyone look who’s back!’ JiHoon cheers and everyone does look up from wherever they are.

YuKwon let a little squeal out and tugs MinHyuk’s arm, whispering something to him. Probably asking if he’s not dreaming.
HanHae is already crushing him in a hug, laughing and cursing at the same time. And JiHo thinks it’s not that bad, so he hugs back.
TaeIl is silently tearing up next to them, and JiHoon is hugging him laughing.

They all look happy to see him. All expect JaeHyo who hasn’t moved. Eyes hard on him. It takes him a moment before he can walk away, escaping on the balcony. And JiHo excuses himself from the others.

The temperature is quite nice outside but he can’t help but shiver.
‘I’m sorry’ is the first thing he says as he steps out on the balcony, leaning on the rail not far from JaeHyo.
‘You think… What do you think JiHo…? I… Just… I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say. 7 years. 7 ing years JiHo. You left. You left us all, without a warning or anything. And nobody had any news from you. And... Now…
- I’m sorry.’
JaeHyo looks up at him, eyes bright and a sad smile.
‘If only Sorry was enough… You weren’t the one that was hurt when that happened you know. We were all in horrible states. All of us. But we never left. Never. We sticked together and helped each other. JiHoon was in a ing bad state too. You know that? The worst of us all. He was too young when that happened. And… Kyung and you, JiHo, were everything for him. He always joked Kyung was his mother and you his father. Imagine what happened when he lost both of you. Have you ever thought about that? I’m not even talking about me here. I’m talking about JiHoon. Pyo JiHoon. ‘
JiHo sinks slowly on the ground, head in his hand.
‘I know I ed up. I shouldn’t have left but I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t bear to watch at you guys. Cause I’m the one who was there. I was the other one in the car. It shouldn’t have been him JaeHyo. It shouldn’t have been him. He couldn’t… I couldn’t… how could I face you after that? Because… it’s my fault that everything happened. And… For those 7 years... I thought I had gotten over it but… I can’t JaeHyo.’
He was sobbing now, tears rolling down his cheeks.
‘I can’t do it. He was… my best friend. My brother.  Everything I had.’
He could hear JaeHyo sigh next to him. And it felt like hell for a moment. As if everything he had been running away all these years were coming back right now. All those 7 years coming back all at once.
‘You had us JiHo. We wouldn’t have ever let you down. I would have never done that. And you know it.’
JiHo looked up at his friends. JaeHyo wasn’t better than himself. Eyes puffy and red, and sobs raising his chest.
‘I’m so sorry.’
He scrambles back to his feet, and walks closer to JaeHyo. Observing the other even though tears were blocking his view.
‘You look great Hyung. You always to look so awesome. When I’m right here… totally lost’
JaeHyo looked up, trying to hold his own tears, and cracked a chuckle.
‘I’m… not. I’m not okay JiHo. I’ve… spent the past 7 years hoping you would come back. I’m not awesome. I’m stupid.
- But I’m here now.
- Yes. Yes you are.’
JiHo hugged JaeHyo tightly. Head resting in the crook of the other’s neck. Breathing the scent he had missed all these years.

All the memories came back.

Their first kiss during his last year of High School, during a party that MinHyuk had thrown. JiHo had observed JaeHyo all night, amazed at the beauty of the other boys. And it was when JiHo had not-so accidentally bumped into JaeHyo on his way out of the kitchen and that the older had catch him by the elbow to prevent him from falling, that JiHo had had the courage to kiss JaeHyo. It had been a bit awkward, and really not that great. But it was their first.

He remembered the time he had introduced JaeHyo to Kyung, as his boyfriend. The face Kyung had pulled had been so fun that both JiHo and JaeHyo had burst out laughing, and Kyung had sulked all the evening. That and a little bit of jealousy, JiHo had thought.

There was also the time JaeHyo had first told him he loved him. When JiHo had left for the first time for the whole summer in Japan. JaeHyo had spent the night over. And he had whispered it in JiHo’s ear in a rather seductive way that had had JiHo kissing him hard.

He also remembered JaeHyo’s face when he had opened his eyes at the hospital after the accident, still unaware of what happened to his best friend. JaeHyo had looked like a ghost. Eyes blood shot, sobbing uncontrollably, biting his already bruised lips, and clutching at JiHo’s hand tighter than usual. JiHo should have realized at this moment that something was wrong. But he had just woken up, drugs from the pain killer still in his blood. And he had cracked a bad joke about JaeHyo being a crybaby and that he should stop crying like that since he was awake.
It was only a few minutes later that the doctor told him for Kyung. He had rushed back home, and refused to see anyone for days. Staying in his bed, refusing to eat and only leaving his room to go to the toilets.
On the 4^th day after his comeback home, he had backed his bag with a few clothes and the strict minimum. Had taken all the money out from his account, and had flied to Japan. Without anyone knowing.
He had come back just a few days to attend his brother’s wedding about a year later. The boys had been there too. None of them had talked to each other. All still mourning their lost friend.

All that comes back at once, and JiHo thinks he may not be able to leave JaeHyo’s embrace ever again, so he clutches tighter.
JaeHyo kisses him softly on the temple, and he sobs.
He pulls away a second to watch JaeHyo’s face. It’s still beautiful as ever. Even with tears all over the face.
He kisses the older. It’s not much more than lips on lips. But it’s a secure feeling. To know that JaeHyo’s here, not pulling away. So he presses a little bit more, and JaeHyo kisses back, hands grasping at JiHo’s shirt.

‘I’m not letting you go ever again’ JaeHyo manages to say between two kisses, and JiHo nods.
‘I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never run away from you again. Never.’