++Complicated Lies Number One

“Jinyoonnie…”

The guy called my name with his sweet voice, he my hair with his fingers while his other arm was circling around my shoulder. I hummed as the answer and leaned my head on his shoulder, enjoying the first autumn wind.

“I love you, do you know that?” He trailed his hand down, reaching to my hand, entangling my fingers with his.

“I know…”I said, smiled at the question that sounded more like a confession.

“Shall we make this relationship to be known? I don’t want anyone to think that they can have you,” he said while bringing our hands up to his lips, and then pressed his lips on the back of my palm.

“How much I wanted everyone to know this, I won’t give you too much pressure, you know?” I opened my eyes and looked up onto his calm and lovely face that looked down at me with love, “I love you, I won’t mind as long as you know that.”

That guy, Kim Sunggyu, lowered his head down and placed a kiss on my forehead. He stopped for a while, letting me enjoy the feeling of his lips against my skin.

“This is one of the things I love from you, baby,” he chuckled softly against my forehead, “I love you,” he whispered before trailing a kiss down on my face and stopped on my lips.

“I love you,” I whispered back and tilted my head as he slowly kissed my lips.

+ + + +

“Please…Be mine?”

I gasped as his words. This guy, my childhood friend, aka my classmate, aka my best friend, Nam Woohyun, suddenly asking something that I could never answer to him.

“Wha..What do you mean?” I blinked my eyes a few times, cannot retreat my gaze from his deep stare.

“I like you…or to be exact, I  Love you,” He said without any doubt, “Will you be my girlfriend?” he took my hand, and that was the only thing he had to do to make my mind get clouded.

Sunggyu was the first thing that came into my head, then Woohyun and our friendship moments until now. I never really think of Woohyun as someone’s more than friend for me, but I can’t really say that I don’t feel attracted by him either.

My thought was so complicated that I just want to get away from him, from this place, from everyone.

I inhaled deeply and looked up to him, seeing his nervous face that he tried to hide, failed. A pang of guilt attacked my heart, but I can’t give the answer, not now.

“Woohyun ah, can you give me some…time?” I bit my lower lip and stared at him with hopeful eyes.

“Yes,” Woohyun scratched his head and flashed a dry smile. ”I will wait…”

+ + + +

“Sunggyu, help me, I don’t know what should I do now,” I sighed, rolled over in my bed and stared at the ceiling as I pressed the phone onto my ear, waiting for Sunggyu’s answer.

“…What’s wrong, baby?” Sunggyu asked, sounds concerned.

“Woohyun…he wanted me to become his girlfriend, and I’m already yours too, secretly,” I said, holding my breath as I wait for his answer.

“I know right…” Sunggyu sighed on the other line.

“What?”

“I can’t blame him either…judging from the way you talk and act around him,” he said. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, knowing that he’s right.

“I don’t know, it was my usual actions towards my friends though,” I palmed my forehead, feeling the tears on my eyes as I can’t find the solution. “I really can’t choose, Gyu… between you and him.”

“I won’t blame you…but it’s your decision. “ He sighed once again, sounded really hard to face this too, “I’m okay if you choose him over me, I won’t stop loving you even if you choose him… I don’t know what will happen, but my feelings won’t change, I promise,” he said.

“Why do I have to choose…? And why won’t you stop me?” I speak up after some time of quiet moments, feeling the tears have rolled on my cheeks, “Woohyun doesn’t know about our relationship and I don’t want to hurt him…or worse, to lose him.”

“You want me to stop you?”

“I will definitely stop if you stop me,” I answered right away, bits my lips in hesitation, “I don’t want to hurt the people I love, especially you,” I said, sounds like a whisper as I choked in my tears.

“As much as I want to, I can’t stop you,” he exhaled, “as long as choosing him doesn’t make you love me any less, it’ll be okay for me.

I blinked my eyes a few times at his words, will it be this simple?

“Really? You won’t hate me?”

“I love you okay? You will always be mine…secretly,” he said.

+ + + +

I looked out from the window and was day-dreaming all the times when I felt the desk next to mine moved. That’s Woohyun’s desk, and here was he, standing there smiling at me with no awkwardness at all.

“Morning!” He greeted me with his usual wide grin.

“Morning,” I flashed a smile to him, watching him putting some books on his desk and finally sat down. “Woohyunnie,” I called him.

“Yeah?”

“I will be your girlfriend,” I said in one quick sentence, doesn’t know if he can actually catch it or not.

He gave no answer, I slowly turned to him just to see him stared at me in awe. “It’s not okay?” I grimaced.

“NO! It’s a BIG OKAY!” he said loudly, then suddenly pulled me into a hug.

The other students around us gasped and start to whisper one to another, some even clapping and whistling.

“Yah…Woohyun ah, it’s embarrassing,” I said with heated face.

“I want to let everyone know that you’re mine,” he said, sounds really excited and happy. “I’m so happy, Jinyoon ah…I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too, Woohyunnie,” I smiled unconsciously into his hug.

+ + + +

That night, Woohyun sent me home. He stopped by my front door and kissed me there. I melted into the kiss and stared at him in awe as he backed up from me. His cheeks were blushing, and the next minute, he has run away. Such a cute boy.

“A Late night date and kiss already?”

I froze on my spot at the cold voice right behind me. I turned to see Sunggyu leaned on the wall, crossing his arms while stared to me with his cold eyes. The eyes that I don’t want to see the most.

 “He kissed me and he’s my boyfriend…How can I push him away?” I bit my lower lip and faced him, “and why are you here? This late?”

“I’ve always come to your house every weekend right? And by the fact that you’ve got a boyfriend now, I think I don’t have to come again,” Sunggyu scoffed, he didn’t look angry or what. His lips formed a smile, but his eyes don’t seem like it.

“I will just go home then, sorry to disturb your happy time,” he smirked, then walked passed me to go.

I snapped from my surprised state and ran to him, blocked his way by standing in front of him.

“I wanted to meet you…I always think of you all the day even when I’m with him, so I’m glad that you’re here…”

I expected him to pull me into a hug or give me a goodnight kiss before really leave. But instead, he looked down onto my eyes with those unreadable eyes of his.

“Just go with your Woohyunnie, don’t think about me anymore, don’t let me be a burden for your relationship,” he said.

I looked at him in, gaped. just when he wanted to go again, I pushed him back and hugged him. “How can you say that? You said that it’s okay for me to choose him over you? You said that you will still be together with me?”

“I’m fine with it, but how about Woohyun? He won’t be happy if he knows that, right?”

“That’s why I wanted you to stop me back then!” I snapped, pushed his chest away and step backwards, bits my lips to stop my tears to flow out. “I said that I want you both…but I can’t do it, right? Especially when you’re being like this! I can’t stand your coldness to me!”

Sunggyu stared at me for a moment, I can see his clenched fists on his sides, and it’s hurting me more. “I’m always like this…I couldn’t bring myself to say the thing I want to say back then,” he said, his gaze became softer, but sadness and disappointment could be seen clearly on it. “I don’t want to be selfish to make you choose me, Jinyoon ah.”

I bit my lower lip so hard that I could feel the metal taste on my tongue, but I don’t care, being in a situation like this is more hurting than any wound.

“Why can’t I understand you…?” I said with my trembling lips as I tried to muffle my sobs. “I wanted you to be selfish about me Gyu! I feel like you don’t want me when you told me to choose Woohyun back then!” I said, half-screamed to him.

“It’s my fault after all, that I can’t bring myself to look only at you,” I said bitterly, my view is all blurred with tears and I released my grip from him, turned back and run onto the street.

I don’t realize that there’s a car driving so fast to my direction until I felt my body rolled down on the street, choked in tears. I opened my eyes just to see Sunggyu on top of me, with teary eyes. I’ve never seen him crying before. Never even once.

“Jinyoon ah, I love you so much, I don’t know what would I become if you’re not with me,” He doesn’t move away from the position, he looked down on my face and I could feel his tears dropped down onto my cheek, “I don’t want my love to be a nuisance for you…”

I stared at his face and felt a pang of guilt and pain on my chest. I brought my hand up to brushes his tears away. “I’m sorry Sunggyu ah, I’m really indecisive…It’s my fault that I made things complicated like this…I hate myself, gyu, I deserve to be hated,” I said in between my sobs.

I was about to push him away and run when I felt something soft pressed hard onto my lips. Sunggyu kissed me. His kiss felt different from his usual kiss, it felt so desperate, and full of sadness.

He pulled back and stared deeply into my eyes, “You’re not allowed to say that. No one is allowed to hate the girl I love,” he said, helped me to get up from the pavement.

I hugged him as soon as I got into a standing position, I could feel my overflowing love for him, this is so frustrating : how I can’t choose between two guys that mean a lot for me.

“We are so messed up, we shouldn’t talk about these things in this state,” Sunggyu pulled me into his warm hug, as I sobbed onto his chest. “I love you, okay? Isn’t it enough?”

I nodded and pulled back, looked up onto his face. “I love you too, Sunggyu, and I want you to know this and not feeling hurt…or jealous again, please?”

He nodded and kisses my tears. For the first time, I’m feeling that his love for me is real.

+ + + +