Acceptance [ Re-Upload]

It had been one day since Yesung nearly experience a heart attack. He had heard people talk about experiences so shocking, that you are frozen in a moment and feel as if you experience it from a distance. That was the way he felt. It was like an outer body experience. He saw his body sitting there, he saw his face contract and he heard those words...he heard it all miraculously. He was aware that he was being extremely dramatic, but could only argue that it was a traumatic experience. If you had asked him what would be the most unlikely thing to happen to him ever, he would have probably said, for him to be cool and suave and fail free. He would not have even named their snarky maknae confessing to him as one of the possibilities; simply because it was so impossible that it did not even cross his mind as once in a lifetime sort of thing.

After Kyuhyun said those words he was dazed and confused but most definitely shocked. He was tempted to go ask the maknae if it indeed happened and was not some weird illusion,but had had refused to be in the same breathing space with Kyuhyun. Since the supposed confession, Yesung had avoided Kyuhyun like the plague. He was embarrassed at the thought of having weird delusions about the maknae. He could not meet Kyuhyun’s eyes. All thoughts of seeking verification disappeared when he thought about how impossible it was. Why even bother to ask about something that could never be real? At least now it was his very own private delusion. He could barely face Kyuhyun now, much less if Kyuhyun found out about it. He was sure he had imagined it. Impossible things did not just happen. He vehemently ignored all claims of his mind whispering ‘Stop being an idiot. It was real’ He was sure that is what happens to all crazy people. Their minds betray them into thinking their delusions are real. ’Stop it! You won’t make me a fool’ he fought back.

He was certain that Kyuhyun would never, not even in a million years, ever confess to someone like him. It was so outrageous that he was sure it was offensive to the maknae to even think about it, to have had  such a deranged delusion. Maybe he had finally lost his mind? He was always a little weird, but he never thought he was crazy, till he heard or though he heard Kyuhyun say he loved him. He had not even allowed himself to think about how he felt about the matter, so sure it was just a figment of his imagination and instead spent his time worrying about the state of his mind. He had been having weird thoughts lately. All of a sudden he had started to think of Kyuhyun as his. He should have seen the warming signs, when he starting the miss the younger irrationally or seemed to be calmed unexplainable by his presence. He had let all things go before, but now he realized that maybe they were symptoms of his insanity, which finally led to such a vivid delusion. He marvelled at how clear it was though, better than any dream. He remembered Kyuhyun’s shaky nervous voice, telling him about warm fingers and smelling like coffee and cinnamon, he remembered Kyuhyun telling him he was special and he loved him and he could even swear he felt Kyuhyun’s hand on his cheeks. He wondered if all crazy people had such vivid fantasies. ’Why are thinking of it as a fantasy?’ Wait...why was he thinking of it as a fantasy in all seriousness? Did he fantasize about Kyuhyun confessing to him? He was leaving that  one all alone. For now it was just a delusion.

Well he was wrong. It seems that he is often wrong apparently. He was content to think that he was just having some psychotic break. Whilst there was nothing good about a psychotic break, it was better than it being real, and also having his mind waving a flag of ‘I told you so’ triumphantly . He had successfully avoided the same air Kyuhyun could breathe all day, but had somehow failed to realize that Kyuhyun would have to join them for dinner. ’You are such a fail’ his tactless mind chuckled at his expense. The second Kyuhyun entered the room, it became tense on awkward. Yesung was pointedly trying to avoid Kyuhyun’s eyes, whilst the younger man was looking for a quick escape, all refusing to even look in Yesung’s direction. Kyuhyun though seemed jumpy and nervous. Yesung may have been avoiding his eyes, but for some unknown reason seemed to just feel the mood the maknae was currently feeling. That seemed to be a regular occurrence he realized. Even when he was not observing Kyuhyun or trying not to anyway, he would always just be able to know what was happening to the younger. It was a very strange phenomenon indeed .Probably another sign of his insanity he lamented. Instantly, he began thinking about what had caused Kyuhyun’s discomfort. Was something wrong with his Kyuhyunnie? That his again!

“Kyuhyun ah are you okay? You look like you have seen a ghost” Leeteuk questioned the maknae who was standing in the doorway, eyes fidgety, face at first in mild horror, then replaced by nervousness. Leeteuk did not know what was wrong with the maknae the last couple of days but his current nervousness was worrying the leader.

“I’m fine really. Just not hungry anymore” Kyuhyun basically stuttered, looking around the room nervously, eyes never going anywhere near Yesung’s direction, who was only interested in the maknae at the moment. Seeing Kyuhyun’s ruffled composure had made Yesung forget all about his embarrassment, to be replaced with single minded concern. He may be losing his sanity, but Kyuhyun always came first.

“Oh no you don’t. I don’t know what is wrong with you, but you are going to sit with us and eat, so I can keep an eye on you” Leeteuk instructed, voice firm. He had to make sure his maknae was well. Kyuhyun was worrying him to no end. The child was not scared really, but he had this nervous countenance, which worried Leeteuk. Kyuhyun was snarky and brash. He rarely looked nervous, not even when he did something wrong. What was happening to his youngest?

“Teukie hyung I swear I am fine” Kyuhyun reassured, looking at his leader with pleading eyes. He really did not want to be in the same room as Yesung. He was not ready for Yesung to reject him as yet. He had not much hope for a favourable outcome, seeing as Yesung was avoiding him all day, not that he had made any particular effort to approach the man.

“Kyu ah come sit with us. You have to eat” Leeteuk was about to inform the maknae that he did not buy his reassurance, not for one second, before he was beaten to speech by Yesung, who was another one that was causing him some concern. Yesung gently instructed the maknae, but for some odd reason sounded shy, and Kyuhyun just looked at Yesung in actual shock, and was that a blush forming? Seriously what on earth was going on with those two?

“Come on Kyu ah, come eat” it was Sungmin that spoke this time, having seen the maknae make no movement, looking almost frozen, cheeks oddly a faint pink. He as well had no idea what was going on, but was sure that it was something between Yesung and Kyuhyun. Both had been acting more odd than usual recently, today being extreme. He had notice Yesung darting in and out of rooms, hell bent on avoiding Kyuhyun, now he was inviting him.

Kyuhyun finally nodded his head, making his way to the table, taking a seat furthest away from Yesung, forcing Eunhyuk to move in order to do so. Eunhyuk did not appreciate the fact that he was displaced; put was willing to give way to the maknae, which was also causing the usually happy man, some worry. He did not know what was wrong, but was willing to do anything to have Kyuhyun near them so at least they could make sure he was not ill and not hurt in anyway. He would even say he missed the snarky remarks. Kyuhyun had been oddly withdrawn the last couple of days and it had caused him concern. His eyes shifted to Yesung and saw the older man with is head bowed, staring at his rice, as if it was the eighth wonder of the world. He realized that Yesung was another one that was oddly quiet recently. He had not heard his loud, bubbly laughter in a while, nor heard him tell stories about his movies or his turtles either. Really what was happening to them? Eunhyuk wished that they would be better soon, as he diligently placed pieces of vegetables onto the silent maknae‘s bowl, smiling his gummy grin at him, encouraging him with all his heart to eat.

Yesung was observing Kyuhyun, rather closely, all whilst trying not to look at him, if that was possible. Yesung was afraid to meet to his eyes, afraid that Kyuhyun would know he was crazy and having weird fantasies about him confessing. ’Would stop calling it a fantasy. It was a delusion’ he scolded his mind, only to have it meanly reply ‘Are delusions any better?’ He really could not argue that point, so instead choose to focus on his observing Kyuhyun without looking at him thing. Kyuhyun’s face was down staring at his rice, whilst Eunhyuk was saying something to him. Yesung watched as covertly as possible as Kyuhyun said something back with a small smile. He felt so much lighter now, for some unknown reason. He casually observed, beneath his fringe, the actions of the maknae, a small sigh of relief escaping when he saw the younger start eating, engaging in a small conversation with Eunhyuk. Whilst he had been determined to ignore Kyuhyun, all such thoughts were displaced by worry. He wondered what had the younger upset and hoped that all was well. He wondered briefly why Kyuhyun was avoiding his eyes, but dismissed it as perhaps one of God’s small mercies. He was grateful in way. If Kyuhyun was not looking at him, it meant that he could look at him. ’What sort of warped logic is that? His mind mocked him. To him it made perfect sense though. He could not look at Kyuhyun in the eyes, because he was embarrassed to face him, but he could not avoid him per say, because he longed to know that Kyuhyun was well and not sad. His embarrassment was apparently no match for his concerned. That settled it. He could avoid Kyuhyun’s eyes, but would still inquire as to his well being. He was sure sleep would evade him, unless he could reassure his mind that Kyuhyun was well.

“Kyu ah I-“  Yesung had up his embarrassment, determined to ask Kyuhyun if he was well. He waited till he saw the maknae walking back to his room to ask him quickly, head bowed. He had to ensure Kyuhyun was well, but that did not mean he had to look him in the eye. If he was being sensible however, he could have noticed the panicked look that came across Kyuhyun’s face the second he approached him, as well as the burgundy cheeks the maknae now wore. Kyuhyun however did not let him continue.

“Hyung. Please don’t say anything yet okay. Just think about it a little while longer. Just be sure” Kyuhyun begged, face burning, heart erratic. He had felt Yesung’s eyes on him from time to time, but was too shy and too nervous to actually look him. He had hoped to escape to his room, but Yesung approached him. Yesung looked embarrassed; refusing to meet his eyes. A man going to proclaim love would not look like that, Kyuhyun was sure. He did not know what he was hoping for when he asked him to think about it a little longer. He was probably just delaying the inevitable, but he could not bear to hear those words of rejection. He loved the man so very much; to know that such a great feeling is not reciprocated would be like dying. He did not think he was  wrong in wanting a bit of a respite, even if it would change nothing.

Yesung neck nearly snapped due to the quickness in which he looked up. Kyuhyun looked too caught up in what he was saying to see the various emotions that were coming across Yesung’s face. Yesung nearly died from shock a second time in two days. The words Kyuhyun was uttering sounded very familiar, almost the same thing as his weird delusion. Did that mean he was not having delusion? Even more importantly did that mean that Kyuhyun had confessed to him? He felt faint. The shock was too much for him then. It was one thing to be having crazy delusions, another thing for the impossible to have had occurred. His mind flashed back to the night before, the words Kyuhyun was saying, the emotion in his face, his voice, his hands. That meant it was all real. It was all real.

“I have to go” Yesung mumbled in one quick breath, pushing past the maknae, practically running to his room, closing the door behind him firmly. Kyuhyun watched in sated sorrow, taking it as a clear sign that things were just going to be awkward now. It was one thing to lose a possible love, another to lose a well built valuable friendship. Kyuhyun sighed and closed his eyes, trekking to his room, in slow painful steps. He was in for a long nights of what ifs and possible regret. He could only hope his blankets could warm the cold spreading through his body, but he doubted it could save his heart now.

Yesung threw himself on his bed grabbing his turtle plushie, holding it tightly in his arms. He was not crazy. He had not been delusional and having weird fantasies about Kyuhyun confession to him. Kyuhyun had actually confessed him. Their snarky maknae had actually confessed his love for him of all people. He smiled like an idiot then. Kyuhyun had actually confessed to him. CONFESSED TO HIM. Kyuhyun loved him. ’We get it. Kyuhyun loves you. You are such a girl sometimes’ his mind chastised. He could not care less. Kyuhyun loved him, he would let his mind know. Kyuhyun loved HIM! It meant that he was not some deranged psycho having weird fantasies about his dongsaeng confessing love to him. ’I thought they weren’t fantasies’ seriously, couldn’t his mind focus on the clear positives of the situation? Could it not let him celebrate the fact that he was not some psycho losing his mind and having delusion? He was well aware that he would never be normal per say, but not having delusions was most definitely a plus. Wait! If he wasn’t being delusional, and Kyuhyun had actually confessed to him, that meant that Kyuhyun loved him. That his Kyuhyunnie loved him? Not just loved him, but loved him enough to confess to him. Oh hell, what was he supposed to do now?

‘Figure out if you love him as well, you idiot’His mind frustratingly advised. Yesung was not pleased to be chastised by his mind, but he could accept that it had a point. His mind replayed his delusion...No, not delusion, but Kyuhyun’s confession. Ahhh! Kyuhyun confessed to him! ‘Seriously can you remember that you are man’ Right! He closed his eyes and replayed the words over again in his mind, the memory filling him with soft warmth. He remembered, Kyuhyun’s cute rambling voice, his nervous eyes, his pacing back and forth. He enjoyed the moment for a second, then he remembered Kyuhyun’s hopeful question: “I guess I just wanted to know if you loved me too?” .That was the question now, wasn’t it. Did he love Kyuhyun as well?

He remembered standing on that stage looking into Kyuhyun’s eyes, promising him he would think about it, that he would acknowledge it. He had known at the time that something was changing, that it wasn’t the same anymore. Kyuhyun wasn’t just a dongsaeng. Kyuhyun had become something strange, something foreign, something new. By just making that promise he had admitted not just to Kyuhyun but himself, that whatever he was feeling was not just normal, was not just the feelings a person had for a dongsaeng. He had vowed silently to think about it, to contemplate its meaning, yet had failed to do so. He could add it to his ever extensive list of fails. He would admit that he was sometimes easy going and by nature a relaxed person, but that did not mean he was an idiot. He knew where it could all possibly lead to. He may not be the most experienced romantically, but he remembered that all consuming high school crush all those years ago. In a way it was similar, but he dared not even think it was something like that. He had assured Kyuhyun that it would be alright, that all he had to do was think about it and deal with it in his own way, yet he failed to do so. Why couldn’t he have just allowed himself to think about it? ‘Because you’re a coward’. He sighed. He couldn’t disagree. Even all that, he had not even allowed himself to really think about what Kyuhyun was exactly to him. That was about to change .He was going to have to at least think about now.

He remembered when Kyuhyun joined the band. He welcomed him as best as he could. He was not the type to show actual distaste, unless severely provoked. He remembered the unsure kid standing before them awkwardly, not knowing where he was supposed to go or be. He knew that Kyuhyun felt the judgements they were all making, all looking at him with critical eyes. He bears the shame to this day, of not being more welcoming, of not being more kind to the new maknae. In his defence he had the most to lose. He was the lead vocalist; Kyuhyun was a direct threat to him. Kyuhyun showed him exactly how unfair the world was, yet he could not hate the comparatively lanky, awkward teen. He had to be the hyung, he had to show some care. Little by little everything just fell into place. Kyuhyun stopped being the new threat,  instead turned into their band new maknae. He was not just awkward anymore, but witty and playful. He could not claim that they were exceptionally close, but they were close enough. Kyuhyun had just fitted himself perfectly into Super Junior as if he had always been there, as if he was always meant to be there. He supposed Kyuhyun as that way with his life as well. He was hesitant at first, for good reason, yet Kyuhyun wormed his way in, little by little, softly softly. Before he realized it, he wouldn’t know life without the snarky little demon teasing him about something. He often wanted to strangle him, yet always found his murderous thoughts being squelched comically by the outpouring of adoration he would feel for the maknae.

He had come to realize that Kyuhyun was no longer just the new maknae, but he was his dongsaeng and he cared about him especially .In a blink of an eye, Kyuhyun had become one of his favourite dongsaengs. It’s not to say that he did not love all his dongsaengs, because he truly did. It was just that he would feel a different comfort level or kinship to some more so than others. It was like him and Siwon. He just had a better understanding with Siwon, than he had with someone like Sungmin. He supposed that was just how life worked .He could freely admit that Kyuhyun was not just a dongsaeng, but a favourite dongsaeng that he treasured, almost above all else, well to be honest, above all else. He often felt that Kyuhyun understood him best. It was not as if Kyuhyun was exceptionally kind or caring. Siwon was much more caring and protective, truthfully speaking, yet he has frequently felt the sly maknae was the one that understood his moods best. Kyuhyun didn’t have to say anything, or even if all he did was tease and mock, he always felt better, felt as if someone truly understood. He would freely admit that Kyuhyun was perhaps his favourite dongsaeng.

‘Is Kyuhyun just your favourite dongsaeng?’Honestly couldn’t his mind give him a second to breath? Did it think was easy to think you are a delusional psycho, only to realize that you won’t having weird fantasies, that your dongsaeng had indeed confessed to you, and then having to explore all your buried thoughts about your feelings? His mind did not seem to understand the depths he had to force himself to explore. To force open thoughts that were hidden away in the deep dark corners of his already strange mind. It was asking him to face fears and uncertainty and still had the gall to be snippy? Like Seriously? ‘Stop whining and answer the question’ He scoffed at his mind but conceded the point. Now was not the time to argue with his mind. He had serious issues to think about. He had to have the courage to open up those things that he had submerged deep within the abyss.

Yesung was not sure exactly what Kyuhyun was, but knew it would be foolhardy to try and convince himself that Kyuhyun was just a dongsaeng. He was positive his mind would mock him for an eternity if he had tried. In his mind Kyuhyun was something different, something special .He did not know how to describe it exactly. Kyuhyun had slowly evolved into something unique, something unexplained. He claimed a piece of his heart as his very own, without permission or invitation. In a way he just thought of Kyuhyun simply ashis, just his Kyuhyunnie .Maybe that was what Kyuhyun was, simply his. There did not have to be another reason. He would admit, that it was weird to just think of someone as yours, but then again, even he did not understand his mind sometimes. Maybe he was just some possessive person that claimed things as their own. Kyuhyun was not just a dongsaeng, but a favourite dongsaeng, that was plausible. ‘Are you deliberately being obtuse?’  Since when did his mind learn words like ‘obtuse’ and why was it being so cold? It was rather sensible to think that he was just being weird and kind of possessive. It did not have to have some other implication.

‘Why are you so possessive then?’His mind questioned gently, perhaps realizing that Yesung was too much of a coward to face what was staring him in the face. Yesung spent a few seconds thinking about why he was so possessive. Perhaps it was because Kyuhyun was special, because he always wanted to be near Kyuhyun, wanted the younger to be by his side, to hold his hand, to smile at him. He felt happy just to think about Kyuhyun smiling at him. He did not think it was wrong to want to feel that much happiness forever. Kyuhyun and even just the thought of Kyuhyun made him happy. It was not wrong to want to hold on to happiness, to feel possessive over it.

‘Perhaps you love him?’Well that was obvious. He had just established that Kyuhyun was his favourite dongsaeng, someone that was infinitely special, that owned a space in his heart probably forever. There was no doubt that he loved Kyuhyun, just as he loved all his dongsaengs, just as he loved Siwon and Donghae. Kyuhyun probably ranked even higher than that. Where was his mind going with such a pointless question really? ‘No you idiot. Not that type of love. Are you in love with him?’ Yesung froze. In a way he knew that was what his mind meant, but was just trying to avoid thinking about it. The implications of just considering that were far reaching and immediate. He would be opening a can of worms that would be endless. Was he in love with Kyuhyun? Just the thought made him blush. He sighed and turned over staring at his ceiling. Was he brave enough to even think about this? He needed to see Kyuhyun. He needed to feel peace.

He slowly trekked to Kyuhyun’s room that he shared with Sungmin. Was this even a good idea? Seeing Kyuhyun would only force him to think about it, but perhaps that was what he needed. He needed the courage to face it and only Kyuhyun could give him that courage. He realized the implication of that concept by itself, but chose to focus in that minute only on deriving it. He knew after the confession, he couldn’t exactly avoid thinking about it. Kyuhyun required an answer and so did he. He needed to know once and for all, if he was in love with their snarky maknae. If all the conflicting emotions that have been running rampant for weeks were the tingling of love or just him being his usual unpredictable self. It was the time for action, not hiding. He had to do this. He had to know once and for all. He took deep breaths and walked towards the room, stopping in front of the door. Should he knock? Whilst he needed to see Kyuhyun that did not mean he wanted to look into his eyes. He was not ready to face Kyuhyun yet, without having an answer to give him, yet could not find an answer till he saw him. Really the world was such an odd place, or maybe he was just an odd person. He sighed. Knocking was not a good idea anyway. Sungmin was home and he did not want to disturb him. Things were always awkward between the two, and he in no way wanted Sungmin aware that he was either crazy or in love with the maknae. Both he figured would not please the pink loving martial arts expert.

Gently he pushed the door forward quietly. He took one last deep breath and entered the room, making a beeline for the maknae currently wrapped up in his sheets, casting a quick glance in Sungmin’s direction, hoping that his entry did not disturb the man. He was aware that after years with Kyuhyun as a roommate Sungmin had developed some sort of immunity to noise and often claimed that he could sleep through almost anything now. With gently steps he approached the bed, looking at his dongsaeng fondly. He was well aware, that he was practically a creep, staring at people when they slept, but at this time found it to be a necessity rather that a ersion. He took a seat quietly on the desk chair a few feet away, content to look at the maknae from a distance.

The sight hurt his eyes bit and pained his heart even more. Kyuhyun did not look peaceful in any shape or form. His body was stiff, face worried and displeased, eyebrows furrowed. He did not have to wonder what had caused Kyuhyun to look so distress, feeling the immediate guilt upon realization that it was entirely his fault. It had to have taken Kyuhyun extreme courage to work up the nerve to confess to him, yet he had left him hanging. He would not inflate his ego anymore, but knew that an unanswered confession had to be painful. He felt ashamed of himself. Here he was forcing himself to work up the courage to even consider his relationship with Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun, his dongsaeng, someone four years younger than himself, had not only faced his demons but beat it. Kyuhyun had the courage to confess, to bear his soul, despite the consequences, whilst he was just his usual timid self. Afraid, always Afraid. He had had enough of fear. It was time to think about it all and accept the answers.

He thought about how he saw Kyuhyun. He knew instantly that Kyuhyun was special. His eyes found the maknae once more and the pain shot through him once again. ’Why do you feel that much pain?’ his mind cajoled. He knew it was not just the normal pain he felt when he saw his dongsaengs hurt or upset. When Kyuhyun was upset or hurt he felt as if the earth was shrouded in darkness. All he could think about then was making him smile, to make him feel better, so that the sun would return. Realistically he knew the sun was out everyday regardless, but the sun in his world was always dim when Kyuhyun was sad. He knew there was a reason that he found Kyuhyun’s smiles the warmest, his voice the most soothing, that he longed to be the presence of the maknae. He was also aware that it was perhaps telling that his thoughts were always about Kyuhyun. He worried about the maknae’s well being above all else. He had even started to feel lonely when Kyuhyun was not near him. Perhaps he was just getting too attached but that thought was dismissed instantly and he was reprimanded for being nonsensical.

He was also certain that it was not normal, to crave the warmth that Kyuhyun always seem to radiate. He could say, Kyuhyun holding his hands was one of the most comforting feelings he had ever experience. He was also certain that wishing to be with Kyuhyun forever, was not the classic exercise of emotion one had towards a dongsaeng. Then it was just the feeling that he had when with Kyuhyun. He just felt that Kyuhyun always understood him. He never had to say a word, nor do a single thing. He would feel just pure contentment, just standing next to the maknae. Words never need to be said, yet he heard it all, understood every action, every thought. He gazed upon Kyuhyun once more, noting how his body shifted and his face contorted in displeasure.

His body reacted on instinct. He approached the bed gently, taking a seat beside the maknae. With soft hands, he pushed the hair on Kyuhyun’s forehead back, whispering softly soothing words and promises of everything being well, of always being well. He watched as Kyuhyun’s body relaxed, face also losing tension rapidly, to now take on a calm, yet not serene outlook. He stayed like that for a little while. His tiny hand placed on Kyuhyun’s forehead, eyes looking over him protectively. He wondered for the first time, how he was even able to deny it for so long. That had to be a feat of sheer stupidity. As he looked at the face of the now calm maknae, Yesung had come to a determination, a realization of grand proportions. A frightening discovery, if he was to be honest. Heloved Kyuhyun .Not the normal hyung /dongsaeng love, but the in love sort of thing.The romantic sort of love that sent young people insane and made Kdramas a lot of fun to watch. The world just changed drastically, yet all he wanted to do in that moment was to chase the nightmares away and protect Kyuhyun from his bad thoughts, to grant him peaceful sleep, though he was sure all his peacefulness had disappeared the second he allowed the thought of love to break through the barrier he had locked it behind. He may have been obtuse, but he knew the second he let the thought settle, he had loved Kyuhyun a long time now. He was just too afraid to admit to, to allow it to exist. He would think about that all in a while. All he cared about now was looking at the now calm face of Kyuhyun, and feel the warmth spread up from his fingers to cover his body. He sighed in general contentment, knowing Kyuhyun would not hear him in his current state. He would be able to stay a while longer and just be near him.

Yesung spent the next two days just contemplating his situation. He had continued to avoid the maknae, yet still saw everything about him. He saw the nervous expression that would immediately claim his face the minute he saw Yesung, or the blush that would taint his face the second their eyes meet to be ripped apart immediately by both men. Yesung knew he was the cause of the maknae’s suffering. He was well aware that he had yet to respond to the confession and that had caused him serious guilt and heartache. He wanted to tell Kyuhyun that he loved him too, but he wanted to be sure, he wanted to be certain. He wanted to be willing to give the maknae more than his words; he wanted to give him a piece of his heart. To do that, he had to be willing to face the implications of his love. He may be innocent but he was not naive. He knew the kind of future he and Kyuhyun could have, then he also had to deal with his own demons. Did loving Kyuhyun make him homoual? As far as he knew he was straight. He had been his whole life. He had never once found another man to be attractive. He had Siwon practically hanging all over him all the time. If you were ever going to discover you found men attractive, then Siwon was definitely the one to make you have those thoughts. He had never found Siwon to be attractive in that way at any point, though he did so love his dongsaeng and always appreciated their closeness. He was not even a quarter as touchy feely with Kyuhyun as he was with Siwon, yet he loved Kyuhyun. He could honestly say he had never found Kyuhyun particularly attractive. He would admit that he was well aware that Kyuhyun was a rather handsome man, yet he could not say he felt attracted to him. He was sure Moon Geun Young was a lot more attractive than Kyuhyun. He rather liked the thought of kissing her, but even the idea, much less the visual of kissing Kyuhyun was just plain awkward and weird. How was he supposed to be in love with someone he was not attracted too? The world was just a strange place.

He had so many issues to deal with, yet the more he avoided Kyuhyun the more he longed to see him. His eyes could quietly, of their own volition sort out Kyuhyun wherever  he was. They were gearing up for the next installation of their rather successful concert series, so even if he wanted to stay far away, which he never really ever wants or could want he just knew, he and Kyuhyun had to be in the general vicinity of each other .Kyuhyun had refused to meet his eyes and spent his time talking to everyone else. Yesung suspected he would have felt hurt, like he was the last time Kyuhyun avoided him, but this time he was grateful. He recalled how much pain he felt the last time Kyuhyun avoided him. He felt sick to his stomach then. All he could think about was what he had done to make Kyuhyun want to stay away from him, to avoid his eyes. He had tried to approach him, but when he realized that separation was what Kyuhyun wanted he would have done anything to make Kyuhyun get what he wanted, to make Kyuhyun happy. Despite missing Kyuhyun terribly, he was determined to help him in any way he could. He was determined to make his Kyuhyunnie happy. He laughed at his own self. Really how stupid could one person be? Did it not occur to him then that his single minded need to make Kyuhyun happy, despite the pain separation caused was obviously love. Seriously he was really just stupid!’That was what I have been saying forever’ his often unkind mind chimed in. He really could not disagree. He was embarrassed for himself thinking about how oblivious he was. This time though, at least it gave him the time to sort out his thoughts, even if his eyes could not stay away from Kyuhyun.

In internal struggles seemed to have caught the attention of his closest dongsaeng, well other than Kyuhyun obviously .Once they returned to the dorms, Siwon cornered him in the hallway in front of his room, resting his hand on his, eyes bright and inquisitive, looking down at him with a gentle smile

“Are you okay hyung? What’s bothering you?” Siwon asked gently, eyes bearing into him. He really disliked the fact that Siwon knew him so well, in this very second.

“I’m fine Siwon ah” Yesung assured as positively as he could, smiling at the younger but taller man. He really hoped that Siwon would believe him. It seemed his hopes were wasted judging by Siwon’s next statement.

“Are are not hyung. You know you can’t lie to me. You don’t have to tell me, but don’t pretend it is not” Siwon gently rebuked, his eyes warm and caring, tone soft, as his hands tightened on Yesung’s wrist.

“I am just confused about something and don’t know what to do next” Yesung revealed finally. It was not that he did not trust Siwon; it was simply that he did not know how to describe his predicament and he could not deny the situation either. There was no way Siwon would let him go with that one.

“Just go with whatever feels right hyung. It will all work out” Siwon assured, voice hopeful, eyes bright and shining, as he smiled at his hyung.

“How do you know that Siwon ah?” Yesung asked unsure. He really wanted to believe Siwon’s words and his smile, but this was not choosing whether  to wear red or black, but could have lasting far reaching consequences.

“I just do. You always make the right decisions hyung. Just trust yourself” Siwon informed, still smiling fondly down at the smaller man, who in return could not help but smile back at him. Siwon was right. He just had to figure out where he wanted this to go and make a decision.

“Thanks Siwon ah” Yesung stated gratefully, as he reached around to hug the much larger man, that had offered him so much comfort. All that he had to do now was figure out what he wanted to do with the newly discovered but possibly everlasting love he had for the maknae, who Yesung had just spotted entering his room with an odd expression. He wondered why, but knew this time he had to sort himself out first before trying to comfort Kyuhyun.

Yesung finally entered his room feeling much better, well maybe not better but with new determination. He needed to sort out his issues and find an answer for Kyuhyun. He could not let this continue much longer. It was not fair to Kyuhyun and was not fair to the love he felt. Kyuhyun had asked him if he returned the love. It was quite obvious now that he did indeed love Kyuhyun. Even when he was trying to sort out his actions, he realized even more things to love about Kyuhyun. He now knew he loved his nervous giggle, his shy smile, his confused glances, his snarky words and even his general awkwardness. He loved the way he would lose his train his thought for a split second, before catching up and pretending it never happened, he loved how he was mean yet was naturally cute, and he could go on and on, forever. He loved everything about Kyuhyun, even the things that annoy him, simply because they were part of Kyuhyun. He could safely say he was at that embarrassing level of love. He really wondered when it had happened. How could be he so in love with another person and not have realized? How was it even possible that he had so much feeling, yet he had even considered it to be love. ’That’s because you are a coward and a fool’ his mind provided unhelpfully. He wished he could protest that evaluation, but from his current position it seemed to be rather accurate.

He was embarrassingly in love, that was established. The question became  whether he had the courage to accept his love and act on it. Kyuhyun loved him, so he did not have to worry about that. He had to figure out if he was willing the face that sort of future. He was not so far removed from the reality of the world to think what he was considering would not be problematic. Despite the fact that he did not find all men attractive, Kyuhyun was still a man, a dongsaeng, a band mate. For all intense purposes, it would be viewed as a gay relationship. He knew what would happen. It would directly affect his career, his future, his family, Super Junior. Was it all worth it? He was willing to admit that he at this point only cared about Kyuhyun. He did not care about what it implied about his uality or the related. He just loved Kyuhyun, who was his. He did not care about anything or anyone else. He was sure he loved Kyuhyun. That was something he did not and would never in his life doubt. Kyuhyun was special, and simply his. Was his love enough to face the possible hate and distaste ahead for them if they did this, if they acted on these feelings? Even though Kyuhyun confessed, he was the hyung. Kyuhyun was young and brash. He doubted whether Kyuhyun even understood the sort of future they could face .It was his responsibility to protect the kid-no, the man he loved. It was his responsibility to consider their future. Was being together enough to face the darkness ahead? He truly wished he knew.

With these thoughts in mind, he was called to dinner. He would have declined but Siwon was still there and he did not want to worry the younger man. He knew that Siwon was comforted by his hug, but it would not take much to have Siwon bothering him tirelessly about what was on his mind. He quietly made his way to his usual spot, acknowledged a few greetings and took his seat. His mind was too cluttered to bother much about what was happening around him. He picked at his rice, a grain now and then, eyes bent, thoughts erratic and troublesome. He really needed to know if being together would be enough, if they could have a future together. He wished with all his heart that he could have a crystal ball that showed him a picture of a perfect picture, spent with Kyuhyun by his side, hand in his, smiling happily. He then chastised himself for creating such a happy picture when he had no idea if it was even possible. Was he intent on torturing himself? He sighed then.

“Hyung are you okay?” Kyuhyun asked gently. He honestly did not know what possessed him to ask him that. He had not taken his eyes of Yesung since he entered into the kitchen, which he doubted whether Yesung had even noticed. He saw him looking lost and troubled and could bear no more when he heard him sigh. It was proven to him once more that he did not seem know what will power was when it concerned Yesung. He had promised himself that no matter how hard it was, he would give Yesung the time he needed to sort out his own feelings and accept whatever decision the man he loved made. He failed though. He just honestly missed him. He was indeed avoiding the man, but it seems as if Yesung was avoiding him as well. He just wanted to see his eyes and hear his voice. He knew he was weak .He was not proud, but at the time all he cared about was whether Yesung was okay. That the man he loved, was not having a hard time because of him.

“I am fine. I am not hungry” Yesung mumbled as he scrambled out of the room. Kyuhyun watched him go with a heavy mind and a broken heart.

Yesung had to escape; he had to get out of that room, away from those eyes. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry and most of all he wanted to love Kyuhyun that much less. The second he saw Kyuhyun’s eyes the world came crashing down around him. Why did Kyuhyun have to look at him that way? It was filled with fear, nervousness, hope and worsts of them all, LOVE. Yesung was suffocating. Why did Kyuhyun have to care so much? Why did he have to love him so much? Even worst why did he have to feel the exact same way. In that second he would have willingly given his life, to have those eyes look at him that way for his entire life. He would have done anything to be near Kyuhyun, to have him by his side, to reassure the man he loved that the world was perfect and that they would be together forever, in an everlasting love. He only wanted to take him in his arms and promise that they would never be sad ever again, that they would never be apart. He really wanted to cry then. He couldn’t give Kyuhyun any of those things. He couldn’t protect him; he wasn’t even strong enough to fight for their love. He wanted to know if it was all worth it, but he realized that his weak mind was not, but Kyuhyun was most definitely worth everything in the world. He was weak but Kyuhyun was strong. He was strong, yet he loved him, of all people. He was not worthy, Kyuhyun deserved better. ’He only wants you’ his mind gently informed. Kyuhyun was a fool to love him. He was not even strong enough to trust his love. ‘You can be though. You can fight for it now’ His mind encouraged. Yesung filled so much lighter. Who knew his mind was not the devil after all?

That settled it. Yesung was going to be strong. He was going to fight for his love, he was going to be worthy of Kyuhyun. He was done hiding, done denying, done pretending and most importantly he was done worrying. He was going to let life happen. He was going to stand by Kyuhyun’s side, he was going to wrap his small fingers around his much larger hands and they were going to face the world together. He vaguely remember Kyuhyun asking him somewhere in his rant/confession if love could be enough. He would have told him that love is never enough, but their love was always going to be more than enough. He was sure what he felt was that sickeningly sweet everlasting, once in a lifetime sort of love. If he could not fight for that, then there would never be anything else in his life worth fighting for. He was going to accept Kyuhyun’s confession and promise the maknae that he would be a better man for him, a stronger one. He would be someone brave and courageous, someone willing to always stand by his side, to never let go of his hand, to always trust him and their love, and finally he was going to always fight for them, no matter what the future brought to them.

“Hyung I’m coming in” Yesung was pulled out of his thoughts when he saw Kyuhyun push his head through the gap he had created tentatively. Yesung vaguely remembered hearing light knocking sounds but had ignored it whilst he had his epiphany. It was rather ridiculous to pause an epiphany to answer a door, he thought .Kyuhyun’s eyes were darting around the room, his body nervous and tense. Yesung saw his face stiffen slightly, before he made a stride into the room. Yesung for his part was tense and surprised. Yes, he was aware that he had just promised enthusiastically to fight for his love and to return the confession, but that did not mean he was ready to do it .He had not even gathered his bearings yet, how was he supposed to do it? He did not even know if he could speak right now, much less be able to say the right things. He was so going to mess this up. He supposed he could wait and give himself the time to plan something at least respectable.

“Hyung I am sorry. I should have never said anything. I really did not mean to upset-“ Kyuhyun had finally began speaking, eyes downcast and oddly shiny, voice weak and nearly trembling. Yesung panicked. He finally remembered the torture that Kyuhyun was going through. He had to end this now. The time for second guessing had ended. It was now or never. He was ready, whether he was actually ready or not.

“Stop” Yesung had somehow found his voice and commanded the maknae, who looked shocked and dare he say it, afraid for a second, before he just nodded his head, looking at the floor. The snarky evil maknae nowhere to be found, instead in his place, the man afraid his love would never be his. Yesung took two last deep breathes, before finding the strength to lift himself from his bed, though not releasing his turtle plushie. If he was going to do this, he would need all the support he could get. He gently approached the downcast man, wrapped his hands around his wrist tentatively and tugged at him gently, leading him to his vacated spot on the bed.

“It’s your turn to sit and listen. Don’t interrupt till I am finished, no matter what. Please Kyu ah, do this for me” Yesung requested as he knelt on the floor, taking Kyuhyun’s hands in his, rubbing his tiny thumbs across the planes at the back of Kyuhyun’s palm. Kyuhyun did not look at him once, but nodded his head with resignation. Yesung simply patted his head as he stood up, holding the plushie firmly against him. He took his last breathes and washed away all doubts. He was going to be a man worthy of Kyuhyun.

“When you said that you loved me, I was confused. I did not know what you meant or what I felt. I refused to belief that you were actually in love with me. I mean you are Kyuhyun and well.... I am me.We are so different. Don’t interrupt Kyu ah” Yesung scolded weakly when he saw Kyuhyun about open his mouth, looking at him in protest. Kyuhyun properly chastised, simply nodded his head once again, a light blush taking his face.

“We are so very different, but always so similar. There is no one that understands me better, no one I feel as close to. I didn’t know if I loved you honestly. I know I told you to think about whatever our thing was but I was too weak to keep our promise. I refused to see it, always denied it, but I can’t deny it any longer. I have come to realize that I love you. Not just the hyung/dongsaeng sort of love, but that sort of embarrassing, can’t live without the other person sort of love.” Yeusng chuckled at this. He was well aware that the state of in love he currently was in was no doubt embarrassing. Kyuhyun looked as if he wanted to speak, but Yesung cut him off as he restarted his monologue basically.

“I can’t really explain  it to you really. I just see you as something so special, something so precious, something that has to be mine. I swear it is not as creepy as it sounds .I have never stalked you or anything. I have watched you sleep though. I am sorry if that freaks you out” Yesung looked at Kyuhyun with panicked eyes for a split second, before looking down at the plushie held to his chest, meant to protect him. Once again he did not allow Kyuhyun the opportunity to speak, instead resuming after a sharp intake of breath.

“I am not perfect. I am extremely odd, but you know that. I don’t even deserve you. I mean I was too weak to even consider the fact that I loved you. I was too weak to love you, too weak to trust in my love, too weak to fight for it. I promise though I will change that. I promise that I will always trust in our love, that I will be a better man, a stronger man for you.” Yesung glance in Kyuhyun for a split second, unable to read his expression. If he was less nervous and self conscious perhaps he would have seem the adoration shining in the younger man’s eyes.

“I can’t promise you perfect though. This whole thing is weird to me. I love you, I really do, but don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t really find you very attractive. I am positive I still like girls and I don’t really like men all that much. You are only man I have ever felt this way about, and most definitely the last. Well in all fairness I don’t think I could ever love another person as much as I love you.” Yesung was basically rambling to himself now, not even looking at Kyuhyun who was busy admiring the cuteness of the entire situation. He had no intention of interrupting anymore, more willing at that point to enjoy the show.

“Either way, it’s definitely going to be weird and awkward. Then again our future it going to be even more strange, that is for sure. I don’t know what we are going to do when that time comes. I tried thinking about it but it gave me a head ache. Whatever happens I want to be with you” Yesung looked at Kyuhyun shyly, before tightening his grip on the plushie, eyes staring at the wall as he continued.

“I am sorry this confession so unromantic. I really was going to do something better, but then you came in and you were so sad and I really did not want you to be sad. Maybe I would have sang you a song. Now that I think about it, you probably wouldn’t have liked that, since you have a really nice voice as well. I am sorry; I really am not good at these things. Even if things don’t work out and I fail, I hope that you would still love me” Yesung ended abruptly catching his breath, looking in Kyuhyun’s direction.

“Well say something!” He stated exasperatedly, not realizing that he had not given Kyuhyun the chance to respond. He looked flustered and nervous. Almost childlike as he clung to the plushie, eyes wide and scared.

“You at confessions” Kyuhyun chuckled as he stood up, enjoying the moment. All his fears disappeared when Yesung said he loved him. All he was interested in now teasing the man he loved that most importantly loved him as well. He knew Yesung was right. Their future was going to be hard and probably difficult, but he couldn’t care. Yesung loved him and that was more than enough at that moment.

“Like yours was so much better. I swear I thought I imagined it for a while” Yesung responded defensively still too nervous to sense the teasing nature of the maknae’s previous statement. He still had his head down, not seeing the maknae approach him, till he felt arms wrap around his form, drawing him closer to blinding warmth. Kyuhyun was determined to have the flustered man close, drawing him to rest against his chest, his arms encircling him, coming to rest protectively against his back, shifting his body till his chin rest on Yesung’s head, nestling the smaller man firmly against his chest, except for the plushie that Yesung refused to release, between them. Kyuhyun just chuckled. Yesung was always going to be odd, and he was always going to love him.

“You know it’s going to be weird and awkward don’t you?” Yesung asked rhetorically, after they had been in that position for a few minutes. He felt content and happy to have Kyuhyun’s warmth against him, to know that Kyuhyun loved him, to have had been brave.

“Isn’t  it always weird and awkward? We are us, everything is always awkward” Kyuhyun countered, with a hearty chuckle. Saying that it would be awkward, was like saying the sun would set in the west, something that was just obvious .Kyuhyun did not mind though. Awkward was perfect, once he was awkward with Yesung. No matter what was to come or how awkward they were, he just wanted to be like he was then, arms wrapped around Yesung, both in love.

"Why me though?” Yesung questioned though his voice came out slightly muffled as he was still pressed against Kyuhyun’s chest. He knew he loved Kyuhyun and would do so for his entire life and maybe even after that. He did not doubt that Kyuhyun loved him as well, but he did not quite understand why Kyuhyun had chosen him out of all the people in the world. There were so many pretty girls out there and even more people that were better, people that were cool and suave and perfect. People who weren’t weird and prone to fails. The only thing special about him as his voice and that shouldn’t have impressed Kyuhyun, who had an equally impressive voice.

“Because you are Yesung hyung and you are special. I just love you.” Kyuhyun answered with a slight shrug of the shoulders, voice tender but tainted with a tone of indifference, as if he thought it was the most obvious thing in the world. In a way he wished he could say something enlightened but knew there was not a special reason for being with Yesung, other than the fact that he was Yesung and just special. Kyuhyun hoped that was enough to soothe his mind, but even if it was not , he vowed that he would show him so much love that he would never wonder why him ever again, instead only thank God that it was him. Yesung just nodded his head against Kyuhyun’s chest, soothed by the gentle rocking.

Eventually Kyuhyun took his hand and lead him to the bed, sensing that the stress of the day had gotten too much for Yesung, whose eyes were closing against him. He led him gently to his bed, and instructed him softly to take his position to sleep. Yesung looked as if he wanted to protest, but the previous warmth and swaying motions, had induced unbelievable drowsiness, that he really was in a way powerless. Kyuhyun after ensuring that he was in an appropriate sleeping position, took up a spot beside him, though not really touching him, until Yesung extended his hands for him to take. Kyuhyun was unwilling to leave Yesung then, so gently took the small fingers and wrapped then around his own, turning on to his side to observe the man sleeping lightly before him. Kyuhyun did not know what his future held but was more than contented to spend every single second of it, good, bad or extreme in the exact position he was in. He hoped that he would always be beside Yesung, for an eternity. Those were his last thoughts as he closed his eyes and eagerly anticipated the new day. The new day in which he could call Yesung his, that he and Yesung would be us.

A/N:I finally finished it. I poured my heart and soul into this. It’s extremely long, but that is because I had to fit what took three stories into one for Yesung’s perspective. I don’t know what will happen from here though. In my mind I only saw them getting up till here, so in a way this marks the end of the angsty part of their story as seen through my mind. I do have an idea for their first date though, so I may write that. We’ll see :)

I would like to thank everyone that has commented, subscribed, read or even just clicked the front page and turned back. It was a great experience. I never thought I was a writer, but you guys helped me become one. I will forever be grateful to all of you. I hope I can continue to spread the Kyusung ♥

Comments are Always Appreciated :)