Saffron was the colour of the sky when Kyuhyun realised that he might be in love with Jongwoon. 

They were in the recording studio, and it was Jongwoon’s turn to record. Despite yesterday’s demanding schedule that took a toll on everyone, Kyuhyun thought his hyung still managed to look beautiful in all his weariness. Maybe it was his soft, shy smiles whenever he requested for another try at getting the note right, maybe it was the way his brown hair flopped loosely at his forehead, or maybe it was the different accessories adorning his arms and ears — Kyuhyun was almost sulking at how Jongwoon managed to look so effortlessly good. 

He thought of how Jongwoon always seemed to have an aura around him that made you just want to look at him. It was a presence that commanded attention, especially for a maknae who always had a soft spot for the softhearted and pretty hyung, it was hard sometimes for Kyuhyun to simply look away from the older as he was just that riveted by Jongwoon’s charms. 

Even now, in the studio, it almost felt like Kyuhyun’s five senses were saturated with Jongwoon’s presence, despite them being separated by a soundproof wall. The older’s husky voice filled the room as he sung the lines of the song passionately. As a main vocalist himself, Kyuhyun had recorded plenty of song guides too. Yet, as he listened to Jongwoon’s airy, powerful vocals, Kyuhyun can’t help but wished that all the songs in the world were sung by Jongwoon at least once, just so he could know how each song would sound like coming from the emotive voice. Kyuhyun’s side and back still feel warm from Jongwoon draping himself all over him just five minutes ago before he went into the recording room. The older's woody cologne was still lingering in the air and Kyuhyun wondered how Jongwoon perpetually always smelled nice. Kyuhyun couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the veins on Jongwoon’s neck that were prominent whenever Jongwoon belted a high note. Even his sense of taste was tainted by the bittersweet taste of coffee latte steeping in his mouth after Jongwoon had forced him to take a sip of one of Mobit’s new drinks. 

Jongwoon Jongwoon Jongwoon. 

When the two wrapped up their recording session and stepped out of the building, it was already evening time. The streets of Seoul were basking in a warm saffron hue from the sunset. The pair had agreed on heading to the nearby sushi restaurant for dinner together, so they took a slow stroll towards it while they exchanged small talks. As Jongwoon sang praises about Kyuhyun’s singing during the recording session from just now, his almond-shaped eyes crinkled adorably into an eye smile, and in that moment, Kyuhyun thought that maybe the giddiness he was feeling at that point in time might be a sign of something beyond normal affection between a hyung and dongsaeng. 

- 

Charcoal was the colour of the sky when Kyuhyun decided that he should stop pushing away his budding feelings towards Jongwoon. 

Kyuhyun believed that he was professional — he was good at being an idol, an entertainer, a singer, a musical actor — and he will be damned if anyone belittled his work ethics. He, alongside the rest of the members, had sacrificed so much and went through so much loss to get to where they were now, that it would be downright selfish and despicable of him to risk jeopardising the group’s dynamics or survival, just for his desire to be with Jongwoon.

So he withdrew. He made sure the avoidance was subtle, and in ways that both Jongwoon and the members would not realise something was amiss. He continued to let the man fawn all over him, but instead of allowing himself to read anything into these actions, he stemmed the bubbling feeling of affection in his heart whenever Jongwoon listened to him attentively with a laser focus, he steered his usual flirty texts and innuendos to a more platonic direction (this was tough), he even tried to go on a few dates with some acquaintances to convince himself that maybe what he yearned for was simply companionship, and not Jongwoon per se. 

The fourth date he went on was at a high-end french restaurant that served some of his favourite wines. His date was a sweet girl with an adorable heart-shaped face and small hands. They met through a mutual friend and she giggled beautifully whenever he . She talked about her pets lovingly and shared with him her odd little quirks that he found absolutely endearing. 

It was almost 11PM when he walked her home. His heart felt light and he was happy with the date. The girl listened to him quietly and sincerely as he was sharing an anecdote about one of his variety shows filming. Her gaze was intent and there was a small smile on her pink lips even when he was recounting the boring parts of filming — the image was so Jongwoon, that Kyuhyun immediately realised he was so absolutely ed. 

How did he not realise it earlier? That the reason why he enjoyed her company so much was because she was so Jongwoon-like? 

The disgust he felt towards himself for somewhat leading the girl on and using her as a mere replacement for Jongwoon doubled when he started hearing Jongwoon’s quiet, disappointed voice softly chastising him for doing something like this in his head. Kyuhyun felt like he might cry or kick a wall. Maybe both. 

Right away, he broke the thing off with her when the pair reached her door step. The pale moonlight illuminated her clearly surprised expression when Kyuhyun said his piece, but the darkness of the charcoal black sky hid her disappointed look when she turned away from him and entered her house. 

Yeah, Kyuhyun thought there was no going back from here anymore. 

-

Sapphire was the colour of the sky when Kyuhyun supposed he didn’t mind starting a family with Jongwoon. 

It was a well-known fact that Jongwoon loved to spoil his pets. He treated Kkoming and Melo like his own daughters, dressing them up in pretty clothes, buying tonnes of toys for them to play with, cuddling them to sleep, and even talking to them in the high-pitched voice that adults usually reserved for talking to kids. 

Kyuhyun thought it was adorable. He even remembered the one time Jongwoon bought instant ramyeon that were made specially for dogs and made them himself for Kkoming and Melo to try. Kyuhyun almost felt envious of the two Pomeranian for being on the receiving end of such wholehearted affection from Jongwoon. 

It was a special day where most of the members and their families gathered together for a meal. Everyone had blocked out this day months in advanced and yet it still had to be rescheduled multiple times due to the demanding schedule of the group. The excitement was sky high since it was just so rare for so many of them to be gathered at the same place, at the same time. Most of the parents and siblings of the members were present too and needless to say, it was a loud affair. 

Jongwoon and Jongjin had brought along Kkoming and Melo for the gathering, together with both their parent. It would have been easy if Jongwoon had simply stuck to pampering his two dogs and joking around with the rest of the members. However, Jongwoon was apparently the mom’s favourite of the day (of all time, really), as all the mothers were cooing over his pretty face, sweet smile, kind gestures, and everything else. Kyuhyun also recalled the numerous times Jongwoon was in high demand by the mothers of the group after their Super Shows. So, yeah, Kyuhyun is royally jealous — he wanted to wax poetics about Jongwoon openly in public like that too! 

Funnily enough, Kyuhyun found himself to have a handful of his dear hyung’s Pomeranians instead. He used to be a little anxious around dogs — all animals, in fact — since they were unpredictable and they would jump at you unexpectedly. However, Jongwoon had taken personal offence to that and decided to put Kyuhyun through conditioning therapy by dragging Kyuhyun out to join him on his regular walks with Kkoming and Melo whenever Kyuhyun’s schedules would allow them to do so. The plethora of adorable selcas with the dogs that Jongwoon upload on SNS definitely helped to make puppies seem less intimidating too. Both he and Jongjin were playing fetch with Kkoming and Melo, while chatting with Donghae and Donghwa. Kyuhyun found his eyes unconsciously searching for Jongwoon even in the middle of conversations — his hyung looked really good that day in the denim overalls with a white graphic shirt underneath, okay!?!!

He looked on as Jongwoon burst out laughing melodiously at whatever Hyukjae’s mom was saying to him, his bright smile rivalling the afternoon sun in the sapphire sky. Surrounded by friends and family, children and pets running around, Kyuhyun realised that he really didn’t mind starting a family with Jongwoon. 

-

Ash was the colour of the sky when Kyuhyun thought he had lost his chance with Jongwoon. 

Kyuhyun had just returned home from a schedule and he couldn’t wait to crash into his bed. The rain outside was also a nuisance, it made the atmosphere gloomy and the city just seemed to be more muted under the rain. Coincidentally, Hyukjae was home too. It was nice to see his hyung around since it was always hard for them to catch each other despite living together. Hyukjae was busy slurping down a pot of steaming noodles while scrolling through his phone when Kyuhyun walked into the living room.

“Hyung, I’m back.” 

“Kyu-ah! Have you eaten?” 

“Yeah. I ate on set. Did you have any schedules today?” 

“Not really, I just did the DnE Show with Donghae and we met up with Yesung hyung afterwards.” 

Kyuhyun wished his heart didn’t jump at the simple mention of Jongwoon’s name. 

“Oh? You guys met up? What’s the occasion?” 

“It was nothing. He told us he was nearby our studio after his date so he just dropped by for a visit and we had some food afterwards.” 

Kyuhyun really wished his heart didn’t stop at the mention of Jongwoon being on a date. Jongwoon? On a date with someone else? Since when? 

“Hyung went on a date?” Kyuhyun really, really hoped his voice didn’t waver. 

Hyukjae swallowed his noodles and nodded nonchalantly. “Yeah, said something about his mom wanting him to settle down soon, so she told him to try going out with a family friend’s daughter. I’m pretty sure hyung agreed to the date just to appease his mother, but he looked like he had fun actually.” 

“Oh.” 

After bidding farewell to Hyukjae, Kyuhyun retired to his room quietly, and felt his heart clenched tightly. He went through his nighttime rituals methodically without a thought. It was only when he was warmly settled in bed when the emotions hit him like a truck. 

.

He was too late. He lost his chance with Jongwoon even before he had the opportunity to do anything. He spent too long fighting with his own feelings, denying his affections, that he lost the chance to make Jongwoon his. 

The image of Jongwoon standing at the end of the wedding aisle, waiting for his beautiful bride with a bright smile on his face, while Kyuhyun stands amongst the audience, filled Kyuhyun’s mind.

.

The deep sense of loss, regret, grief and pain engulfed Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep against the sound of dull thunder under the ash skies to prevent any tears from spilling out from his eyes. 

-

Fuchsia was the colour of the sky when Kyuhyun confessed, despite everything. 

It had been three weeks since the night Kyuhyun heard from Hyukjae about Jongwoon’s date. The days after that, Kyuhyun avoided Jongwoon like a plague, which was surprisingly easy anyway, considering how busy everyone was, and all the members lived very different and independent lifestyles to begin with. Thereafter, Kyuhyun shook himself out of his misery and continued with his steady stream of teasing texts to Jongwoon. Kyuhyun didn’t even know what he wanted, did he want to get over his feelings for Jongwoon? Did he want to continue to pursue the man? Kyuhyun just knew that he missed Jongwoon and wanted to continue to annoy his hyung to tease out the amusing reactions from the older. So annoy he did — with texts commenting about Jongwoon’s selcas, texts asking if Jongwoon had exceeded his dinner limit yet, amongst many other messages that were responded with death threats that Kyuhyun had come to see as a form of affection. 

Perhaps he was a masochist, but Kyuhyun had fished for information about Jongwoon’s progress with the girl from the older as and when they chatted. He learnt that even though she was a sweet girl that shared many, many similar interests and hobbies (too many, in Kyuhyun’s humble opinion), Jongwoon only viewed her as a little sister that he was fond of. They hung out often (too often, in Kyuhyun’s very humble opinion) for the past few weeks, since she had annual leave to clear recently so there was a lot of free time for her. Jongwoon also said that he didn’t think things would work out between him and the girl anyway as they were both too similar to each other. 

Kyuhyun asked for Jongwoon to drop by the dorms for a visit with the use of some aegyo. The cute act wasn’t even necessary, honestly, since Jongwoon was always a pushover for his dongsaengs, and Kyuhyun would like to think that Jongwoon had a particular soft spot for him. But it was nice to be assured that Jongwoon adored his cute acts as usual. 

He didn’t really have any plans on what to do when Jongwoon arrived, Kyuhyun just really felt like spending some time with his favourite hyung. An hour before Jongwoon was supposed to arrive, Kyuhyun received a text asking if he had eaten. The younger replied with a negative and there was no follow-up from Jongwoon, so he had just left it at that. 

When he heard the telling beep of the door’s passcode being keyed in, Kyuhyun excitedly skipped to the doorway to see Jongwoon holding bags and bags of food and groceries. Jongwoon grinned happily at Kyuhyun as he shook off his boots. Kyuhyun thought Jongwoon looked gorgeous in his long black coat. 

“Hyung, you're here! What’s with the groceries?” His hyung’s smile broadened. 

“It’s all for you, Kyu-ah! I know you’ve been busy recently so I got you all your favourites.” Jongwoon waved the bags of goods, shuffled over to Kyuhyun, and began to rambled. “Here are your favourite snacks, your favourite ice-cream, and oh! Here’s your favourite cup ramyeon. And I even bought the tteokbokki that you really like from the store you went with Changminnie last time!” 

The normally quick-witted maknae was speechless. He didn’t know where to even begin with the overflowing love he had for the older — it took all his self-control to not pull his hyung into a tight embrace and kiss him. 

“I- Hyung- I… Hyung, you didn’t have to.” 

“But I wanted to cheer you up, since you sounded so tired when we called last night.” 

“Hyung… you’re too good to be true. And isn’t that tteokbokki store more than a three hours drive from here?!” 

“It wasn’t that bad… traffic was fine! It felt like an hour drive only, honestly. I felt like driving anyway.” 

“Hyung. You don’t even have a car.” 

Jongwoon looked away and began walking towards the kitchen to put down the groceries. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s eat! You must be hungry.” 

Kyuhyun stood rooted at his spot, still reeling from what just happened. His heart was pounding and he felt like he was bursting at the seams. How dare Jongwoon attack him like this!?!

He forced himself to make his way to the kitchen and helped Jongwoon with loading the food into the fridge, before he started washing the dishes to get them some plates and cutleries for the food. Before he could even turn on the tap, Jongwoon’s small hands reached out from his side and rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. 

“Pabo-ya, you’re gonna get your sleeves wet.” 

Then he poked Kyuhyun’s cheek and left the younger alone to get a change of clothes. 

Left to his own devices, Kyuhyun finally felt like he could think straight. He wondered if he would endure a three hour drive (think about Seoul’s traffic on a weekend!) just to get a friend’s favourite food to cheer them up. He wondered if he would even remember a friend's favourite tteokbokki store when the store was only mentioned in passing in a casual conversation. He wondered if he would care about the smallest details of a friend enough to roll up the sleeves for them so that the sleeves would not get wet. He wondered if he would care to listen to a friend’s voice through the phone and notice that the friend was tired. 

He wondered if he would tolerate incessant teasing from a friend without blowing up. He wondered if he would brave the winter cold while suffering from enteritis to meet up with a friend for drinks that he didn’t like. He wondered if he would caress a friend’s cheeks and hug them from the back so intimately that it feels like a hug from a lover. He wondered if he would look at a friend with soft, adoring eyes — like Jongwoon does to him. 

Kyuhyun almost dropped the bowl that he was rinsing when the realisation dawned on him. 

Maybe, just maybe, Jongwoon loved him too. 

All this while, while he was fighting with his own feelings, Jongwoon, whether he was aware of his own feelings or not, had been taking care of Kyuhyun and loving him in ways lovers do. 

Kyuhyun felt breathless.

“Kyuhyunnie? Are you okay?” 

Kyuhyun almost jumped when Jongwoon reappeared beside him, a comforting hand on the back of his neck, gently pressing and massaging the area. 

“Yeah… yeah, I’m alright.” 

“I told you you were tired! You were just standing there frozen when I walked in. Come out now, let’s eat.” 

Jongwoon walked out of the kitchen and immediately, Kyuhyun yearned for the warmth he lost on his skin. After grappling with his inner turmoil about his feelings for his hyung for so damn long, he just couldn’t let any second go to waste anymore. 

So Kyuhyun strode out to where Jongwoon was unwrapping the food and started dragging the man towards his room. 

“Kyu?”

The younger slammed the door shut and turned around, grabbing Jongwoon by his shoulders. Jongwoon almost gasped at the wild look in Kyuhyun’s eyes. 

“Hyung.” 

“Yes, Kyu-ah?” 

Kyuhyun struggled to articulate anything. “Hyung… you… the way you say my name sometimes, it drives me crazy.” 

“W-what do you mean?” 

“Say my name, hyung.” 

“Kyu? Kyuhyun? Kyuhyunnie?” 

“Yeah. That! Y-you just drive me insane whenever you say my name like that. Like you love me, like I’m your everything.” 

Jongwoon was so confused. “B-but I do love you…”

“No, Jongwoon. Like you are in love with me, like we are dating, like we are married, whatever. You say my name like we are lovers. You take care of me like we are lovers, you do things for me like we are lovers. Sometimes, you even look at me like I’m your everything! Do you know long I’ve been trying to bury my feelings for you? Do you know how suffocated I feel sometimes when I think about my overwhelming love for you? I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with all these emotions! It’s overflowing out of me and I can’t even direct it at the rightful owner, which is you! You own all my love, do you know that, stupid Jongwoon hyung?” 

Kyuhyun watched as Jongwoon stared at him like a deer in the headlights. There was a bout of silence between them that sounded deafening to Kyuhyun.

“Kyuhyun-ah… I don’t know what to say… I…I’m sorry—”

The younger’s heart dropped immediately at the apology. Maybe he had misread everything after all. Jongwoon had always been affectionate with everyone anyway. Maybe he was too deluded with his love that he deceived himself into thinking it was reciprocated. 

“No. That’s fine, hyung. I’m sorry, let’s just forget—”

“No, no, no, Kyuhyun, that’s not what I meant! I just… I mean… I really don’t know what to say, okay! But don’t be sorry, I love you.” 

Damn it, Jongwoon was still trying to be nice even when rejecting him. All Kyuhyun wanted was to leave and wallow in his self-pity already. “Yeah, I love you as a brother too, hyung. So let me just go and-”

Kyuhyun almost tripped when Jongwoon reeled him in by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. He reciprocated the kiss with the same fervour and Kyuhyun felt his hands trembled as he cupped Jongwoon’s soft cheeks in them. The kiss was all urgency and passion, and Kyuhyun couldn't get enough of it.

Jongwoon pulled away too fast for Kyuhyun’s liking (they were main vocals, god damn it, they had the stamina!) and Kyuhyun found himself surging forward to chase after Jongwoon’s lips that tasted like coffee, but was stopped by warm hands on his face. 

Jongwoon leaned close, so their foreheads were against each other’s. The older's warm breath was brushing against Kyuhyun's lips, as if taunting him to lean in and claim another sweet kiss. 

“I think I love you too, Kyuhyunnie. I’m sorry that I didn’t realise it earlier. You must have been suffering with this alone.” 

Kyuhyun couldn’t believe his ears. Was he lightheaded from the kiss or Jongwoon’s confession? 

“Hyung…” 

“I love you so very much, Kyuhyun. Maybe I didn’t realise it sooner, but I always loved you.” 

And as the sun set against the fuchsia pink skies, Jongwoon and Kyuhyun were basked in the warm evening glow through the windows as they met for another kiss in each other’s arms. 

-

Do you love the colour of the sky?