Seulgi used to keep it all to herself  

 

For some people, homoual flirtation or relationship is unusual. Some would say It's already the 21st century! People have learned to be open-minded. Still, though, Seulgi had many friends in highschool who are straight and she doesn't have the courage to talk to them about her uality.

 

Thus, she remained a closeted gay.

 

But in her second year in high school, Seulgi had the guts to tell one close classmate... about the fact that she likes girls. It actually went well,

 

"Jisoo, can I tell you something?" Seulgi spoke, ending the ten minutes of silence while eating their lunch. Jisoo continued eating but exchanged glances with Seulgi so that she knows she's listening.

 

"Yeah? Sure."

 

Seulgi had doubts, will Jisoo care? Will she mind? Will she think I'm weird?

 

But it's like she feels more and more anxious as seconds pass by and she hasn't said a word. Like time is ticking and Seulgi feels Jisoo's gaze at her more sensitively. It's driving her crazy... It's like she's about to take her clothes off.

 

"I.. I like girls."

 

Seulgi took a gulp, and then, like the same amount of time she let pass came back to her when she's in return, waiting for Jisoo to respond. What would she think of me?

 

"That's.. That's good, Seulgi." Thankfully, it seemed like Jisoo didn't judge her, or that Seulgi felt accepted. Jisoo's smile was genuine, it made her calm down a little.

 

"Yeah.."

 

"Wow."

 

Should I say something more? Should I explain myself? Why would someone like Seulgi need to explain herself? Still, though, she did it out of impulse.

 

"I just thought that- I mean, you're the closest to me-" She began explaining why she's telling her but Jisoo cut her off.

 

"In our class? Yes, but you have Joohyun and none of our classmates really get to talk to you. I got lucky 'cause we're seatmates."

 

Seulgi was speechless. She's well-aware that her classmates are not fond of her, or maybe it's her who's not fond of them. The context that caught her attention was the part where Jisoo mentioned Joohyun.

 

Was I too focused on Joohyun? Her roommate has been very close to her as well. Joohyun asks Seulgi to walk her to class every morning since they aren't classmates. And every dismissal, Joohyun would be at Seulgi's doorway, waiting for her so that they could walk together back to their apartment.

 

It must be a routine by then. Seulgi admired the set-up, but she hates that Joohyun was doing all of those because they're bestfriends.

 

"Am I the only one who knows?" Jisoo asks again that caught her attention; brought her back to reality.

 

Seulgi nodded. "Yes, you're the first one."

 

"Wow. I feel honored, Seulgi. This is great!" Jisoo giggled and gave her a pat on her shoulder, Seulgi just smiled, it still feels a little overwhelming after confessing like that.

 

That's her first experience of coming out. She thought Jisoo would figure out that she likes Joohyun but nothing happened.

 

It took long before Seulgi had the guts to do it again. She enjoyed liking Joohyun and spending time alone with her.

 

For someone who experienced the same thing as Seulgi does, the scariest part of it is when her bestfriend- the girl she likes thinks about dating... someone who's not her.

 

"Seulgi-ah, wake up. You have exams tomorrow.." Seulgi felt a pair of slightly smaller hands grabbing hers, eventually pulling her up from her bed-- still half-asleep. Or maybe three-fourths-asleep.

 

It's just pure torture if that happens. Fortunately, Joohyun... back in highschool, wasn't the type to date people. She would rather sleep,

 

Seulgi chuckles as she's forced to wake up. She saw her roommate crouching on her bed, waiting for her to get up.

 

"You mean, your removal exam?"

 

"You have exams too!" Joohyun gave her a slap on her shoulder for teasing. Seulgi just laughed even more at her cuteness and pulled herself up and off her bed to prepare some snacks they could use while studying.

 

"And I planned to study tonight." She tells the pouting girl on her bed. Joohyun, with her hair tied in a ponytail and her full bangs covering her forehead, eyeglasses hanging on her tall nose; looked at Seulgi, glaring.

 

Joohyun doesn't care that much about studying, unlike Seulgi. But at times like this, she seeks help from her and obviously, Seulgi is always willing to help.

 

"How do you do all of this and not get bored?" Joohyun asks her as they settled on the kitchen table to review using their books.

 

Seulgi glanced at the other girl who was busy writing on her journal, it's a red and black journal Joohyun had ever since their first year in high school. Seulgi knows she likes writing, but she never had the chance to read Joohyun's works.

 

Joohyun hasn't asked her if she'd want to read, too. Seulgi thinks it's okay if she doesn't want to. It's not like she's out all open to Joohyun either, considering the girl's still clueless about Seulgi's feelings for her.

 

Seulgi clearly knew how and why she was this enthusiastic about studying. Joohyun... may be the reason why she studies this hard. I don't know. This could be what they call inspiration.

 

Scared that Joohyun would catch her staring, Seulgi took Joohyun's notebook and started rewriting notes from her book.

 

Being with Joohyun may be comforting, but she's loud.

 

"Talk to me." Joohyun mumbled, one hand fidgeting on the pen, the other poking Seulgi's arm resting on the table. Seulgi didn't bother taking a glance, she already memorized Joohyun's face that she can picture her bored expression wanting to do things but she knows she can't.

 

"We're studying." Seulgi reminded her, she heard Joohyun scoffing.

 

"Then why aren't you talking to me?" Is it necessary? My tongue might slip and say I like you. But then again, what does Joohyun know?

 

"Joohyun," Seulgi takes Joohyun's poking hand off her arm and placed it down on the wooden table. "I'm writing notes for you, okay?" She muttered as she gets back to writing.

 

Seulgi thought she'd stop, but after a few seconds, she felt Joohyun's slender fingers wrapping around hers. She should have just stayed loud. How can I focus now that she's holding my hand?

 

The second time she told someone about her ual orientation, it was with Sooyoung in their freshman days. It's almost the same talk she had with Jisoo; same anxiety; same feeling of being exposed, but Sooyoung pointed out something else.

 

"Can I ask something, then?" Sooyoung picked up their IDs from the registrar counter before they walked away.

 

She and Joohyun met Sooyoung in their class. When they got admitted to college, Seulgi and Joohyun finally became classmates, with their dream jobs aligned. Jisoo went into another university so Seulgi thought it's a good opportunity to tell someone new now. It's like having a safety person, someone who knows what she feels.

 

Especially now that Joohyun is her classmate. They'd be like.. together 24/7. Pretty risky, Seulgi knows.

 

"Yes?" Unlike before with Jisoo, Seulgi is a bit more comfortable having a talk like this with Sooyoung. It must be Sooyoung's energy.

 

"You said you like girls, right? Is there any moment when you felt like you have feelings for me or am I like an exception?" Sooyoung grinned at her and Seulgi can't help but chuckle at the slight teasing. 

 

As a response, Seulgi shook her head. There are people who would make you feel the sparks, and there are people who wouldn't. In her case, she only ever experienced the infamous sparks... with Bae Joohyun.

 

On their way to meet Joohyun, Sooyoung continued to question her about stuff like,

 

"When did it start?" Sooyoung asks her.

 

"I just knew. My parents are also open about it, although many people aren't."

 

Sooyoung nodded, humming while listening to Seulgi share her stories she hasn't told anyone, even Joohyun.

 

"Why doesn't Joohyun know?" Here comes the real question. Should she lie? Everyone in their class know that Joohyun and Seulgi are like, bestfriends forever.

 

She can tell Sooyoung that Joohyun might be homophobic. But she isn't.

 

She can tell her that Joohyun's not really interested in her lovelife. But Joohyun is interested. In fact, Joohyun asks her about it all the time.

 

Saved by Joohyun, Sooyoung stopped asking questions when they entered the cafeteria. There she is, the girl of Seulgi's life, waving at the saved table for the three of them.

 

"What took you so loooong?" Joohyun immediately grabbed her arm to pull her on the seat beside the girl. It's pretty much the usual thing Joohyun does every day.

 

Why is she so clingy?

 

"Here's your ID." Sooyoung distributed the cards one by one. Seulgi took hers-- with Joohyun clinging on her arm.

 

Sooyoung snorted when Joohyun ignored her ID card and instead continued clinging on Seulgi.

 

At that moment, Seulgi doesn't want to look at Sooyoung because if she does, there's a high chance Sooyoung would get the hint that she has feelings for Joohyun.

 

"Ya, Bae Joohyun, let Seulgi eat!" Sooyoung pulled Joohyun's arm away from Seulgi who's struggling to eat her lunch. Seulgi actually doesn't mind, but it's true she can't eat properly.

 

"Aww, Soo, come here I'll hug you too!" Joohyun teased, hopping off her seat to join Sooyoung and give her the same hug she's been spoiling on Seulgi earlier.

 

Joohyun said, she's just super excited because finally, she's got the same schedule as Seulgi and they can eat together now. The thing is, it's been a month and she still does this.

 

"Why am I stuck with Kang and Bae?" Sooyoung muttered to herself, but both Joohyun and Seulgi heard her. They just laughed at the fortunate situation they are in.

 

Kang and Bae. Those are one of their popular nicknames given to them by their classmates. Something Seulgi enjoyed. Something that makes her happy because it gives her the upperhand of being Joohyun's temporary partner during her adolescence. 

 

Why does it have to be with her, always?

 

It could be with other friends. Other people Seulgi can be paired up aside from the person-- whose laugh and sole presence makes her photograph herself flying way above the clouds. Why can't it be with someone else?

 

Seulgi realized she's in a critical situation now that she's mad about simple nicknames. She used to love them. but now she doesn't.

 

Seriously, why can't it be with someone else?

 

There's Sooyoung, always outgoing and focuses well on class. Meanwhile Joohyun.. she just sleeps in class and Seulgi's job is to check on her and make sure that if she gets called by the professor, her notes are readily available for her to look at.

 

"Yes, Miss Bae?" Just like this one. Seulgi was busy writing notes when their professor called Joohyun. When she glanced over her seatmate, Joohyun was dozing off on her desk.

 

Seulgi looked around and their classmates are giggling while waiting for Joohyun to wake up. Not wanting her girl to be embarrassed, she nudged Joohyun's arm, and that immediately woke Joohyun up.

 

"Y-yes, sir!" Joohyun got up from her seat, exclaiming terribly. Seulgi simply passed her notebook on Joohyun's desk, the other girl tried to push it away but Seulgi insisted.

 

"Care to tell us what happened in your dream?" What? That's not the question. It's annoying for Seulgi that Joohyun is being embarrassed in class.

 

"Seulgi, sir-"

 

Wait, what?

 

"What?"

 

Me? I was in her dream?

 

"I mean- um.."

 

She was dreaming about me?

 

Unfortunately for Seulgi's curiosity and fortunately for Joohyun, their professor proceeded asking the question in class, from their lecture. "Can you tell me about the implications of the futuristic approach of implementing the smart city ideology in the community?"

 

"Uh.." Joohyun's eyes were busy staring at the whiteboard as if she could find the answers there. But Seulgi was there for her, tapping at her notebook on the desk.

 

Joohyun didn't stop thanking her after dismissal.

 

"Guys! I have something to tell you!" Joohyun rushed into their classroom where Seulgi and Sooyoung are talking. This was the part when I felt like my world collapsed.

 

"Taeyong and I are dating now!" Joohyun proudly announced, Sooyoung happily congratulated her, Seulgi didn't know how to react.

 

That's the first time Seulgi wanted to distance herself from Joohyun. She even considered changing apartments or transferring to another school but those were just quick thoughts.

 

"Hey Seulgi, aren't you happy for me?" Joohyun approached her, arm circling around hers.

 

Seulgi had to force herself to smile.

 

Why is she like this?

 

Why does it have to be her?

 

Seulgi slept it off: the terrible feeling of knowing Joohyun is straight, and is now taken by some guy she just met in less than two months. It stings that she had to deal with the hidden unrequited love for 3 years and the guy named Taeyong only needed two months.

 

She managed.

 

It was painful, but she managed.

 

There are times she tells herself she's moving on but it's hard. Especially whenever they go back to their apartment and she'd feel Joohyun's fingers slowly reaching onto hers..

 

grabbing her free hand

 

slowly

 

annoyingly slow intertwining their fingers

 

clutching her heart once again;

 

Seulgi starts to ask the world- the universe, why? Why is Joohyun like this?

 

Why does Joohyun hold my hand like I'm the one she's pining for?

 

"Why? Among all people, has it to be my bestfriend, my roommate?"

 

"Why does it have to be Joohyun?"

 

"Why.. out of all people did I fall for my bestfriend who can't keep her hands off me?"

 

"I didn't know you've already reached this point.." Sooyoung responded, taking her time to inhale everything Seulgi blurted out.

 

Just that, one day after some time Joohyun started dating, Seulgi couldn't take it all anymore.Sooyoung still continued to comfort her anyway.

 

"Don't worry, I don't think that guy will last any longer. Joohyun had been ranting about him in the past weeks."

 

Seulgi had her palms covering her face, so close to tearing up while she sat on her bed. Joohyun's out on a date with Taeyong and Sooyoung came over.

 

"I.. I hope you're right." She whispers, helplessly, hopefully.

 

And just like Sooyoung said, it happened. Joohyun broke up with Taeyong, they dated for more than a month. But, unlike what Seulgi expected for Joohyun's post-breakup behavior, Joohyun instead looked fine.

 

"Seulgi, study with me, please? I miss you." You do? Seulgi couldn't deny it, the same fluttery feelings came back to her after Joohyun said that.

 

She pushed Joohyun's hug away and continued to walk towards the kitchen to find something to cook.

 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Seulgi asks again, ignoring what Joohyun said. She heard the girl making whining noises before she was hugged from behind.

 

"I'm fine, I miss studying with you," Joohyun answered, the voice was so close to her ear that Seulgi thought she'll pass out. Joohyun's tone.. It felt different.

 

or maybe she's just delusional.

 

It could be the effect of knowing Joohyun's single again.

 

Seulgi agreed and Joohyun told her they'll meet at the library tomorrow after Joohyun's done meeting her parents. It just happened that the next day was the day Joohyun's parents are visiting her.

 

For her, she had to meet with Sooyoung to finish homework, then planned to teach it to Joohyun later.

 

"Hey Kang, you sure you're staying here? There's like one hour left before the library closes, you can just meet Joohyun in your apartment, you know." Sooyoung told her after some time they had waited for Joohyun to come.

 

"I'm fine. I'm sure she'll come."

 

Joohyun was supposed to be there about two hours ago. Worried, Seulgi texted Joohyun's parents just in case.

 

Sooyoung joined her for a bit more, waited with her because she's also worried about their friend. But then, Seulgi received a text from Joohyun's parents.

 

"What did they say?" Sooyoung asks.

 

"Joohyun already left two hours ago." Seulgi read it out loud, "With her boyfriend." She continued, her chest knotting in annoyance.

 

Sooyoung gave her a light pat on her back, sensing how bad it felt for Seulgi after knowing Joohyun's whereabouts.

 

Why are you like this, Joohyun?

 

"Seulgi! Hey, sorry.. I met Taeyong earlier when I was with my parents-"

 

"It's okay." Seulgi cut her off and walked past her. Joohyun was there waiting for her in their apartment when she came back. She did not see this coming.

 

"Oh, that's a relief. I thought you were mad.." Joohyun muttered, following behind her. Oh my god.. This is torture.

 

"You could have texted me." Seulgi mumbled to herself when she reached their room, but of course, Joohyun didn't hear it.

 

"Turns out, Taeyong wants to get back with me so I thought, why not give him a chance, ri-"

 

"I don't want to hear it, Joohyun. I'm tired." I'm so tired of being your friend. I'm tired of these feelings.

 

Why does love hurt more than it makes one feel good?

 

"Oh! Right, did you finish the homework with Sooyoung? I was going to reply but Taeyong took-"

 

"Can you please just- stop? I said I don't want to hear it! You bailed on me!" Seulgi burst out with anger. Was it unnecessary? Was I being dramatic? Was I too much?

 

Joohyun looked at her confusedly, biting her lip as she was taken aback by Seulgi's sudden outburst. "Why are you so mad? I already apologized!"

 

Then it hit her, she's right. Why am I acting like this?

 

"I'm sorry.."

 

Joohyun sighed and turned out, heading towards her bed. "Go to sleep.."

 

That night.. Seulgi couldn't sleep. She can't tell if Joohyun's sleeping either, the girl was facing the other way. That was the first time they fought like this. Seulgi and Joohyun always looked out for each other, always understood each other.

 

It's my fault. I was the one who has secrets.

 

Seulgi thought Joohyun would avoid her but the next morning, it was like nothing happened last night.

 

While they're in class, Joohyun asked her to come with her to the restroom. Seulgi initially didn't want to, for personal hygiene reasons.. but she feels in debt because of what happened last night,

 

"If you don't come with me, I'll avoid you for a week," Joohyun warned her... and Seulgi didn't want that.

 

She's pulled along inside the university restroom in their building. The truth is, Seulgi dislikes using public restrooms. Who knows what kind of germs was in here? She'd read a lot of online confessions about couples doing inappropriate activities in the restrooms.

 

"Look." Joohyun continued to pull her by her arm, pointing at the doodled, vandalized walls in there. To her surprise, there were a lot of names in there, all answering the big letters written: NAME YOUR TRUE LOVE.

 

"Have you written there?" Seulgi quietly asked. No one was there with them, so their voice would echo all over the room, Seulgi didn't want that.

 

"Nope," Joohyun replied, shaking her head while they continued to read the words on the walls.

 

"Why not?" Seulgi gazed over Joohyun, a slight smile curving on her lips when she saw the beauty that's been driving her crazy for a long time now. The whole morning, even when Joohyun's acting normal.. Seulgi can't look at her, still because of her impulsive actions last night.

 

"Maybe.. I haven't found someone yet." Joohyun muttered, and Seulgi had one question in her head: you haven't?

 

"Really? How about Taeyong?"

 

Joohyun laughed at the mention of her ex? Seulgi's not sure if he and Joohyun got back together yesterday. "Okay, maybe I found someone but I don't know, I don't see the person being with me.. that way yet," Joohyun explained herself.

 

"You're being weird," Seulgi said honestly, thinking Joohyun's being ridiculous.

 

But that may be it, people don't see what they're not looking for. Joohyun didn't want to see Seulgi as someone who could be her lover.