“Oppa? Are you still listening to me?” I heard as I felt a kick in the leg from her, knocking me out of my daydream. I blinked trying to get my mind back to what was currently going on, rather than the male that was always occupying my mind, Bang Yongguk.

This was the worst date ever.

“Sorry, I got distracted for a second. What did you say?” I replied to her, forcing a smile on my face to keep her from whining anymore.

“Do you want to come back to mine after we’ve finished eating?” She said, trying to show me some aegyo, making me cringe.  I was only here because she was Daehyun’s childhood friend and he’s been looking for a boyfriend for her since we were still trainees. I felt bad as the only stories I’d been told were all sad, about how all the boys just used her. I couldn’t understand why any boy would treat a girl like this, not until I laid my eyes on her. She was trying so hard, as if she wanted to be used, so much flesh was showing and I’d never seen more makeup on anyone before.

“I can’t,” I bit my lip, quickly trying to come up with an excuse which wouldn’t upset her too much. “Since we debuted our manager makes sure we spend our nights in the dorm so we don’t get a bad reputation.” I frowned, knowing I could have come up with something better. It would have to do for now though.

I arrived at the dorm not much later, and I was very quickly bombarded by the other members asking me questions about how it went. I ignored them all, only wanting to see one person, but he wasn’t in the room. Neither was the maknae.

“Where is Yongguk?” I asked, already knowing the answer. He’d be with Zelo of course, like usual. The two of them spent every second they could together, whether it was eating, watching films or sleeping.

Youngjae nodded over to mine and Yongguk’s room, “they were sleeping when I checked on them not long ago.”  Sighing, I walked towards my room, dreading what I was about to see. Quietly pushing the door opened, I felt my heart drop as I saw Yongguk laid with his arm wrapped tightly around Zelo, as if he never wanted to let go.

I climbed into my bed, not thinking to get changed and washed. All my mind could think about once again was Yongguk.  I was always thinking about him, what it would be like to cuddle up to him like Zelo does, what sleeping in the same bed as him would be like and what it would be like to be so close to him that I could feel his breath against my lips. If any of the members knew about my feelings, I’d very quickly become disowned by them. It was something I had to keep a secret; they'd think I was disgusting.

I wrapped my cover around me tightly as I realised that I’d never be as close to Yongguk as I wanted to be. I could feel my eyes starting to water as my heart became more and more painful as seconds passed.

Maybe if I hadn't gone on the date, Zelo would be sleeping in his own bed right now.

I woke the next morning to my body being shaken roughly. I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night from all the thoughts going through my mind. My eyes opened briefly, spotting someone way too close for comfort, the one person I could happily avoid right now.

“Himchan! Get up, you look awful. We have a schedule soon and you need to be looking your best for it, I don’t care if you’re ill.” Yongguk growled, obviously annoyed at my current state. I couldn’t care less how I looked or acted right then, I was hurting just as much as last night, maybe even more. If it was Zelo who didn’t look up to doing a schedule, Yongguk would give him all the special treatment he wanted.

I got up after Yongguk left the room, deciding I needed to so that he would be happy. That was the main thing right…? If he was happy then I should be too.