By the time you open your eyes

She never thought that she had been taking things for granted. That the most ordinary things were the most extraordinary. That she should’ve cherished every second of those ordinary moments.

It was supposed to be a normal day. Or, even better, a special day. Seungwan was slated to sing Speechless with other idols from different girl groups singing Disney OSTs alongside her. Joohyun always liked Seungwan's voice. Her singing. She was looking forward to that stage. A few stages after Seungwan's, Red Velvet was to perform together their new song. So all members were there in the SBS studio, sitting and chatting in the waiting room, while Seungwan set off to go rehearse her Speechless performance.

Time is a funny thing, thought Joohyun, when you're anxiously waiting for something, it never seems to go faster, but when you're dreading something, it just flies forward so fast. She couldn't wait to hear Seungwan sing. Her powerful voice filling the whole studio.

Then the door burst opened, and Joohyun had to thought again, how time is so funny. So funny that it played tricks on her. Because when the door opened, when she saw her manager's panic-stricken ashen face, time stopped. When time stops, things are supposed to stop as well. But when time stopped, her manager's mouth still moved. Joohyun's world still shattered.

"There was an accident."

"Wendy fell."

And Joohyun? She closed her eyes. To escape, to deny, to wish, to hope, and to regret.

Oh, how she regretted. Taking ordinary days for granted. Fooling herself that everything would be just fine if they pretend to be fine.

My phone.

It was the first thought that came to her mind. Her phone. It was vibrating to wake her up. She always set her alarms on vibration so the other occupants in her dorm wouldn't wake up with the loud sound. She wasn't afraid of sleeping through her vibrating alarm. She was sensitive. So sensitive that it sometimes seemed like she had a sixth sense. She also had quick reflexes and she was quick witted. And she was hard working and never slacked off. All the qualities for good leaders. Which was why she should've woken up already. But she didn't want to. It was a rare occasion for her to not bolt straight up from her bed in mornings. But today, she's reluctant. Almost like she didn't want to face what was to come today. But why wouldn't she want to...?

Then it all came flowing back to her. The tik, tik, tickling sound of the clock on the white sterile wall in the waiting room. Buzzing, droning of the TV in front of her. Her members, murmuring among themselves, always teasing, always loving. Except for one. She remembered looking at the clock, zoning out, thinking mindless thoughts, and the door bursting open. Ashen white face. Accident. Wendy. And she...

And she...?

Joohyun bolted up, panting. What happened after that? She racked her brain. Right. They weren't allowed to go straight to Seungwan. They had to go back to their dorm. But when had they obeyed every order? Especially when it concerned one of their members. They pushed past their manager who didn't put that much of a fight, she noted belatedly, and ran straight toward the rehearsing area. They heard the panicked murmurs of the staff and the artists around them.

She fell through the stairs... It was dark... No, there was supposed to be stairs... but there wasn't. They say it's two meters high... They didn't find her immediately... No, she... It was Solar, and...

And there she was. Already surrounded by the emergency staff. Paramedics should arrive any minute now, they said. And Seungwan was conscious. She was awake. She had tears in her eyes. They were flowing silently, like a river on a calm, cloudy day. She couldn't talk. She was favoring her arm and her cheek.

"Unnie," she whimpered. Almost too silent. But they all heard. Her members all heard her. Joohyun knew her heart was not lonely in a sense that it was breaking together with the others'. She stared. Her legs suddenly became like leads. She could only stare deep into the blonde's eyes. It's like they were trying to convey her a message. The message she couldn't read. They spoke their own language that Joohyun wasn't fluent in. Was no longer fluent in.

It was Sooyoung that stepped forward first.

"Unnie, it's okay. The help is on its way. You are going to be okay, unnie. It's all right. You can let go now. You can let go."

What can she let go? Joohyun followed her tallest member's gaze. It was Seungwan's mic. Still clutched tight in its owner's hand.

"I still want to sing. Sooyoung. It hurts. It hurts but I can sing. Will I be able to sing again? Unnie?"

That's when she turned her eyes from Sooyoung to Joohyun again. Like spell broken, her legs finally complied, and she hurriedly walked towards Seungwan on shaky legs.

"Seungwan-ah, of course you will. Of course you can. You just have to rest and get better now, okay? Let the doctors help you and you will be back to singing in no time, all right? You..."

"Excuse me, step aside, please."

Paramedics had arrived and they swiftly carried the blonde singer to the ambulance with their gurney.

"Could you...?"

One of the paramedics asked. It was then Joohyun realized that she had been clutching Seungwan's un-injured hand. The one that was still holding her mic in its fierce grasps.

"Oh."

She let go.

Seungwan did, too.

It was Joohyun who had picked up the mic. Sooyoung was too busy crying. Yerim looked angry, but she was crying as well. Seulgi looked like she desperately wanted to cry, but she was holding back. Instead, she was trying to console the two youngest members. Are you okay? Her eyes seemed to ask the leader. I am, she replied in the same manner, through her eyes. It was too easy, unlike the uncomprehensive language that Seungwan's spoke. When did Seunwang become too hard to read? Why was she realizing this now?

And then they were in the hospital, waiting. Seungwan had to had multiple surgeries. Her parents and her sister were notified and on their way. Meanwhile, the blonde was put into a medical induced coma to lessen her pain and speed up her recovery. She wouldn't wake up anytime soon. But they still waited. She still waited.

But they had to go back to their dorm. And Joohyun knew if she stayed, no one would go back. So she went back, ushering her members along with her. To rest. To recharge, to wait again.

Then her phone vibrated.

It was like no time had passed. Yet still, she felt like she went through a decade. She had to go to the hospital. It's early but not too early that hospitals wouldn't be open.

She groaned. Got up. Washed her face in the bathroom. Her eyes were blood shot. That was the only thing she noticed in the mirror. She looked away too fast to notice anything else. She didn't look at the mirror again. She couldn't face herself for some reason. She was ashamed. That’s why.

The living room was plunged in silence when she stepped out of her room. In the absence of sound, there was a smell. Warm, comforting scent of breakfast. She almost cried out. She had unconsciously linked that smell to a certain someone. The one who usually cooked breakfast for her found family, her members. Her...

"Seungwan?"

The woman who had been scrolling through her phone in front of the kitchen table looked up from what she was doing.

"You woke up," said she, standing up, pulling out a chair for the silent woman. "Unnie, here. It's still warm. Eat before it gets cold."

Joohyun sat. She blinked. It was a simple French toast with coffee in her favorite mug. Like usual. And like usual, it was Seungwan's smiling face that graced her when she looked up. Taking her silence as a sign of drowsiness, the blonde chuckled.

"Are you still sleepy? You must have practiced too hard. Drink your coffee. Wait, have the toast first before drinking your coffee. Drinking strong coffee with empty stomach is not good for your health. It will hurt your stomach. I read it somewhere..."

As Seungwan droned away, the leader muddled through her thoughts. Was it just a dream? What's happening here? Is this real? Is Seungwan real? She looks real. And the smell of home, the taste of breakfast, the touch of her hand, her look, that voice, every five senses all feel too real to be a dream. So it must be yesterday that is a dream. The present is the reality. It must be.

But her fingers still tingled from the fierce grip of Seungwan from yesterday. Her ears still ringed with cries of her beloved younger members, Sooyoung and Yerim. Her eyes, still hunted from the usually smiling face of Seulgi’s dark, serious expression, void of any cheerfulness.

Still, this must be it. Because tragedies and horrible accidents don't belong to good people. Good people deserve good things only.

She chanted internally. Tried to flash a smile towards the cook. Took a bite out of the golden toast. Seungwan knew she was good, but she still looked at Joohyun expectantly. How ordinary. Sudden relief choked her.

“Is it that good?” Seungwan chuckled. “Enjoy it slowly. Nobody is stealing your food. And you still have a few hours before you have to get ready.” Then she checked her phone. “Well, it is time for me to get ready. I have to meet up with Yong-sun and the others and do a final practice before we go down to the SBS studio.”

“Do you have to go now?” Joohyun suddenly panicked. It was a dream, she had decided. But she still didn’t feel good about this. You mustn’t let her go, someone seemed to whisper. But there was no one there besides her and Seungwan. Am I going crazy now? She thought. She was already grasping at Seungwan’s hand. The same hand that she had hold yesterday, or, in her dream. It was white and flawless now. It looked active, healthy, and lively.

Seungwan squeezed back. “Don’t worry. We are going to meet again soon, remember? We are going to perform together after my unit stage. Can’t wait for that, honestly.”

“But you…”

She already left. In a blink of an eye. How…? Time felt strange. Again.

“No…”

Was that dream perhaps prophetic? Could that be it? Was it the universe’s order for her to save Seungwan? To protect her? Was this her second chance?

Joohyun chewed her breakfast thoughtfully. She knew when and where the accident was going to happen. She just had to go there before it happens and prevent it. Yes, this was her chance.

And there she stood, in the middle of the dark hallway. It would lead her to where Seungwan was preparing to rehearse with her Disney OST unit members. The raven-haired beauty was still dressed in her casual clothes since it was still too early for her to get ready. This is it, she thought, it’s my turn to protect her.

She marched off towards the rehearsing area but was blocked by the security. No one could go in there if you were not staff or the rehearsing artists. Joohyun tried to explain that she was the member of one of those rehearsing artists but the security guard who blocked her must be new or just a plain idiot because he wouldn’t budge, and he didn’t recognize her as Irene from Red Velvet. Even if he did recognize her, he still wouldn’t have let her pass because she wasn’t on the allowed people’s list.

They must had made a ruckus because a familiar woman in her 30s from camera crew came beside them and asked what was wrong. Joohyun explained the situation and the camera crew just tsk her tongue and took her had to bring her in. The guard mumbled his excuses, but no one listened. Joohyun was getting anxious now. Her confidence was depleting. She couldn’t be late. If she was too late, then…

She couldn’t finish her thought. But it still became reality.

Joohyun was too late. Seungwan still fell. Like in the movies that Joohyun always complained about being too cheesy, everything moved like they were in slow motion. It almost seemed like the world deliberately slowed down for her to get to the falling blonde. To reach her, to save her. But she couldn’t. The world wasn’t waiting for her. It never was. But this time, Joohyun knelt beside the main vocalist even before she called out for her with the soft sound of “unnie.” Seungwan didn’t make any sound this time. Not even to whimper out her pain. She just gazed up at her leader with knowing eyes. Accepting eyes. It was Joohyun who was loud. What is she accepting? None of this situation was acceptable. Usually it was the opposite, with Seungwan being the loud one and Joohyun being silent and calm. Joohyun missed the usualness. The ordinary Seungwan. Not this stranger who seemed too fragile yet too transcendent that felt out of reach. Like she would disappear at any second. It felt déjà vu. It wasn’t just a dream, she realized, but it wasn’t yesterday’s event that gave her the déjà vu. It was the past. The past where Seungwan looked at her with those same eyes. When was it…?

Joohyun was overwhelmed. Seungwan was bruised and bleeding. She was broken. She couldn’t do anything. Seungwan closed her eyes. Her members now knelt alongside her, crying. Paramedics had come without her realizing. They separated them. And now Joohyun was alone with only the blonde’s mic in her hand. It was cold. It was metal. Unlike the warmth of the flesh. Sudden thought terrified her. What if she doesn’t wake up?

So she wished. She prayed. Let me try again, she pleaded. Let me try again and again until I succeed. Even till my last breath.

And the time, or the universe, or the fate or God or whoever or whatever the hell that was listening to her, granted her wish. Was it a gift or a curse, she did not know yet. Because she kept failing. It almost felt like Seungwan’s accident was written in the stars. It couldn’t be erased or changed.

Joohyun now knew she was in a time loop. She kept came back to the same day. But every time she came back, it was closer to the time of the accident. First time, she came back to the morning, the next, it was couple hours later, and now, after about 7 or 8 times of trying and failing, it was half an hour before Seungwan’s accident. Joohyun knew the time was running out. She only had a couple more chances at best. It was an instinct. She just knew. And she was getting desperate. She did everything she could think of. She shouted at Seungwan to watch out only for the blonde to get startled and still fell. She even tried to cancel the unit stage itself. But of course she couldn’t. It was a multi-company collaboration stage. They had invested too much time and money to cancel at last minute. She was at the dead end. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She felt hopeless.

She was staring at the sterile white wall of a waiting room again. The familiar sound of tik, tik, tiktocking sound of the clock didn’t help calming her nerves at all. Joohyun knew she had to pretend. She had to act like she was fine, so her clueless members wouldn’t look at her like she was crazy. No, they were too kind. They wouldn’t think her crazy. They would just worry about her which was worse to her. But she couldn’t pretend. She didn’t have any energy left to do it. She just didn’t have any wills left to pretend. She felt empty.

“Are you okay?” Asked a low, timid voice. It was Seulgi. And Joohyun knew she couldn’t get away with half-hearted lies and excuses. Seulgi was not dense despite the common perception. She just took time to process things. She was a bit slower than the others, but also a bit more thorough and intuitive in her thinking. She didn’t miss the tiny details about her members. Slowly but surely, she stored them in her brain and examine and study them in her own time. So she knew that something was troubling her leader. Joohyun didn’t want to lie to her members in the f