—//—

 

“Babe, you need something?” Jungsoo asked Aina, she just got back from work. 

 

They were both tired from work. Aina has been working so hard these past few days. They rarely go out because their schedules never matched up and full. Glad, Aina already lived in the same place with Jungsoo. At least, they still had a chance to see each other at home.

 

“I already had dinner with my co-workers. I just want to sleep because my body is already giving up. Jungsoo, I'm sorry, okay? I'll make up with you the next days, okay? I  badly want to sleep.” Aina sleepily informed, yawning while looking at Jungsoo.

 

Jungsoo smiled, already expecting this. Aina was already on their bed and settled herself in a comfortable position to sleep next to him.

 

“Go on and sleep. I'll just do my paper works and will sleep later on.” Jungsoo said, grabbing his laptop and some documents before he went into the other room.

 

“Hmm.” Aina was already on her dreamland and Jungsoo looked at her for a longest time. He was so depressed these past few weeks and he wanted her full attention but Jungsoo knew that he couldn't have it all.

 

Jungsoo shook his head to shake off his thoughts and left her alone to give Aina some space. They were always like this and Jungsoo already used to it.

 

As he sat down, his phone suddenly lit up and ringing as if it was on cue. He never looked/checked at the name of the caller and answered the incoming call thinking it was one of his workmates.

 

“Jungsooo~”

 

Jungsoo widened his eyes and stiffened from his seat when he heard that voice, it was very familiar. 

 

“Hee-heechul?”

 

His voice became more softer and a smile suddenly crept into his lips as he called his name. 

 

“Hey! Junsyuuu how are you? I'm drunk right now. I don't even know why did i suddenly dialed your number.... We never contacted or see each other when we broke up but i suddenly want to hear your voice. It's been 2 years.... wow.” 

 

Yes, it's been 2 years but the pain was still haunting Jungsoo.

 

“Where are you now? Why did you drank too much? Heechul, i know you have a high tolerance for drinking alcohol but you can't even control yourself when you're already drunk. Are you with Kyuhyun? Donghae? Ryeowook?—” 

 

Heechul cut him off and he heard Heechul chuckled while Jungsoo was scolding him. 

 

“You still care about me. That's so sweet of you, Jungsoo. Well, I'm alone and having fun with strangers. Don't worry I'm a big boy. Stop babying me.” 

 

'I missed you' Jungsoo thought

 

“Jungsoo?” Aina called his name and Jungsoo was completely startled. 

 

“Why?” He asked her back, covering his phone speaker to answer his girlfriend first. 

 

“Are you still working?” Aina asked again

 

“Yes, I'll be there in a few minutes.” He replied, waiting for her answer but then she never answered him back, means she got back to sleep.

 

“Jungsoo? Are you busy? I'll hang—”

 

“I'm not! Heechul, do you want me to pick you up? It's already late outside and you're completely drunk. I'm worried about you. Where are you now? Give me the exact address of the club.” Jungsoo worriedly asked, his heart was pounding. It makes him weak.

 

“How was she? Was she already sleeping? Why would you want to come over here than staying with her? She needs you. I.. well, i don't need you here.”

 

'i don't need you here' the exact sentence he'd received when Heechul chose to ended up their relationship.

 

Heechul was the one who wanted it, Jungsoo refused. He kept fighting for their relationship but Heechul already gave up. Heechul did everything to fight for his freedom; their relationship. Jungsoo gave what he wanted and decided to ended their relationship too. 

 

Jungsoo didn't had any choice but to let Heechul go, tho he loved him more than himself.

 

“You don't need me but why are you calling me right now? Why do you keep doing this s?! Heechul, i was perfectly fine and happy but you called me out of the blue and you're expecting me to not feel anything?! Are you insane?!”

 

Heechul paused, his surroundings became blurry and tears were about to fall. He wanted him back for a second thought—it was a ridiculous he'd ever heard from himself. 

 

Him and Jungsoo were happy and contented. Heechul came out to his parents and they openly supported him. At first, it was a hard decision because in their country, being gay was a lot of burden to handle. First, people would look down at them. Second, some people weren't very supportive about this issue and very close minded. Third, their country wasn't ready to accept their uality. Lastly, they could lose everything but then Heechul did what he'd thought was the best and he proudly came out.

 

Nowadays, it was easy now to came out and people were very supportive. Which was good, it was really good.

 

Although people became more open minded, Jungsoo's parents were not proud of it. When they got into a relationship; they didn't had their approval and very against of their relationship.

 

Jungsoo came out but his parents acted as if what he'd say didn't exist. His mother arranged a blind date for him and met a few women. They were still together but then Jungsoo still agreed and obeyed whatever his mother wants to.

 

Heechul didn't stop Jungsoo from doing whatever his parents wanted him to do although it pained him a lot.

 

Imagine, they were in a relationship but his boyfriend would still go, met a women and having a a date with someone but not him.

 

Jungsoo could do better than that and he was a grown man to defended himself; their relationship.

 

One day, Jungsoo's mother visited him and begged him to stay away from Jungsoo because they thought, Heechul was a bad influence and he was the one who seduced their son but it was other way around.

 

Jungsoo did the first move and court him until he fell in love with him and finally said yes to Jungsoo.

 

They wanted Jungsoo to have a normal family and life. A normal life with a wife and children; not being with a man who could ruined everything for their only son.

 

Heechul was tired from everything. It was a hard fight against his parents and Heechul chose to gave up. He did everything so that Jungsoo could set him free; he did, Jungsoo finally did it.

 

Years passed, their lives were still going on and stable. Heechul got into a relationship again and he heard Jungsoo also but this time, it was a woman. For the last time, Jungsoo still did what his parents asked for. Heechul was glad that what he did was finally paid off.

 

But here he was now, drowning himself and calling him in the middle of the night because he missed him to death.

 

“I just want to hear your voice. That's it.”

 

Heechul looked around and the place was still crowded, having the best time of their lives while he was in the corner; looked miserable.

 

“You missed me? I misse—”

 

“No. I thought you were Siwon that's why i dialed your number. I was trying to contact him but i accidentally pressed your number. I'm drunk, only drunk.”

 

'Bull' Jungsoo thought, he knows Heechul intentionally called him knowing that he called his name the moment Jungsoo answered the incoming call but of course who was he kidding? Heechul would definitely lie about it.

 

“Cut off your s and tell me where are you now. I'm going to pick you up and let's talk—”

 

Jungsoo swallowed his words and nowhere to be found when he heard a new voice on the other line.

 

“Hey, glad I've found you. I'm sorry about what happened and i'll swear, it won't happen again.” Jungsoo lost his composure when he heard a man's deep voice and someone was sobbing.

 

He felt frustrated and couldn't calm himself but he never dared to cut off their call or planning to hanging up first. 

 

“I already explained everything but you still got mad at me, Siwon. You're the only one i have and i don't want to lose you.” Heechul said, hugging him tightly and sobbing so hard while Siwon was comforting him.

 

Jungsoo clenched his fist and shutting his eyes harshly. He had a boyfriend and Jungsoo was jealous; that should've been him.

 

“Ssshh. I was wrong, okay? I was the one who started everything and i got mad at you. It was so wrong of me to get mad when i was the one who started it first. I love you, okay? Just please don't leave again. I was damn worried about you.” Siwon said, caressing his back as Heechul settled himself on Siwon's neck.

 

Siwon let Heechul to cried out loud until he was running out of the tears and felt better.

 

“I-i love you, Siwon.” Heechul softly said, sniffing and clutching his shirt because Siwon's perfume was helping him to calm down.

 

“I love you more than you do, Heechul.” Siwon replied and held his hand.

 

Jungsoo was still listening and tears started to fall. It should've been him and not Siwon. He missed him damn much but look what was happening right now. Everything was ruined and probably would never be back as he wished.

 

Someone ended the call and Jungsoo threw his phone away. He was still miserable and pathethic for wishing Heechul to come back to him.

 

Aina deserves better, he could be a better man for her but it was hard to say goodbye to Heechul; it wasn't easy and he never wanna say goodbye.

 

Jungsoo felt like he was cheating behind her back; knowing that he was committed with someone but his mind was full of Heechul and still him—it was always Heechul.

 

Jungsoo came out and went to their shared room. Aina was still sleeping and of course, Jungsoo wished she was Heechul—Heechul lived with Jungsoo and the room they were sharing right now was the one they used before; everything in this house was all about of Heechul.

 

His memories at Jungsoo's house was still haunting him and acting as if Heechul was still living with him but no, he wasn't. 

 

“What were you thinking? Are you crying? Come here and let me cuddle you.” Aina said, rubbing her eyes and signaled Jungsoo to lay down beside her.

 

Jungsoo did what she told and hugged her tightly—he badly needed this hug.

 

—

 

“Deal? Don't worry, Mr. Cho. Our company will do everything and we'll never disappoint you.” Heechul assured him. He was trying to convince his new client although he felt uncomfortable with someone but as a professional; he acted like the man who was looking at him didn't exists.

 

“How could I say no, Mr. Kim? You're so passionate and We've known each other for a long time. I trust you. Okay, let's work again.” Mr. Cho said, offered his hand to had a shake hands with him and Heechul gladly accept it.

 

“Thank you, Mr. Cho.” Heechul said as he stood up and shaking his hand while smiling from ear to ear.

 

Everyone already left—it was only him and...

 

“You did a great job. You convinced Mr. Cho perfectly. Congratulations, Heechul.” He said, Heechul looked at his direction and gave him a smile.

 

“Thank you, Mr. Park.” Heechul replied, Jungsoo just looked at him and never looked away.

 

“I told you to call me—”Heechul cut Jungsoo off

 

“Mr. Park, I can't. Please don't make this hard for me and stop being so obvious. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable just because we had a past. We both moved on and already have our new relationship. Just please....don't make things uncomfortable. I hate it.” Heechul informed as he gathered his things and planning to leave but then Jungsoo spoke again.

 

“You called me last night.” Jungsoo said, looking at Heechul's back and saw how he suddenly stopped.

 

“I was drunk, miserable and pathetic that night. I just wanted someone to lean on but—”

 

“You said, you've missed me.” Jungsoo bravely responded. He wanted to hear more from Heechul. 

 

“Yes. I missed you.” Heechul whispered, Jungsoo still heard it and Heechul suddenly turned around to face him.

 

“I missed you, our friendship. We were contented of being friends but look at us now, i can't even look at you the same way as i could back then. I just wish we just stayed being friends than lovers.” Heechul added, he smiled, a smile that full of sadness. 

 

Jungsoo wanted to give him a tight hug and beg for his second chance; Jungsoo never regretted what they had—friendship or lovers, it doesn't matter because he still feels the same way and he knew, he was madly in love with Heechul.

 

“Do you regret everything, Heechul?” Jungsoo carefully asked, their eyes met and Jungsoo felt his heart was about to explode—he wanted to know what Heechul was thinking.

 

“Yes.” Heechul straightforwardly said not minding if the one was hurt. 

 

He just wanted to make everything clear and move forward. 

 

'No, meeting you was perfectly fine and nice but loving you had consequences' Heechul thought.

 

Jungsoo was too stunned to speak and just nodded his head, sighed deeply.

 

“I'll leave first. Have a good day, Mr. Park.” Heechul bid his goodbye and excused himself.

 

As soon as he opened the door, Siwon was already standing there and welcomed Heechul with a genuine smile of his. 

 

“Are you done? Let's have a lunch together.” Siwon cheerily asked and held Heechul's hand.

 

Heechul never looked back; everything was from the past and he swore, he would never ever again. 

 

“Yes! Glad you came. I'm starving. Let's go.” Heechul said and intertwined their fingers.

 

They were about to walk but being stop when Jungsoo called him again. 

 

“Mr. Kim, you forgot this.” Jungsoo said, stood up from his seat and rushing off at him.

 

Heechul and Siwon turned around and Jungsoo handed him a handkerchief. 

 

“It's yours? I've never seen it before.” Siwon asked, gaze landed on Heechul who was staring at the handkerchief.

 

“You must be the owner of this, right? Here. It's all yours.” Jungsoo calmly said, maybe this was the last time—maybe it was better if they both said goodbye, finally (?) 

 

“Yes, it's mine. Thank you for returning it. I've been looking for this.” Heechul replied, grabbing it from Jungsoo's waiting hand.

 

He was the owner of the handkerchief. Jungsoo had been keeping this since when they got into a relationship especially when Heechul was away from him—probably working. It kept him company.

 

Heechul never thought Jungsoo would return the handkerchief to him because as he said after they broke up—he would keep the handkerchief and never return it to the owner; Heechul.

 

“Mr. Kim, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. Let's put all behind and be friends. We can be still friends and co-workers as you wished.” Jungsoo said, Siwon on the other hand, was confused and out of place because Heechul never told him anything between the two of them. 

 

“Let's do that. Mr. Park, let me excuse us, we have a date today.” Heechul nodded and excused themselves. 

 

Maybe it was really time to move forward and put everything behind.

 

Heechul glance at Siwon and got the message from him. Siwon automatically placed his arm around Heechul's waist and walked away from Jungsoo. 

 

Jungsoo was watching the two and a lone tear escaped from his eyes. He was still hurting. 

 

“If you really want me to stay away from you, i'll do it for your own sake. Let's just be friends and...”

 

He paused, blinking his eyes in a few times and sighed. 

 

“Let me love you still, secretly.” He added, turned around and he smiled bitterly. 

 

'I can't let you go. I still love you, Heechul. Let me hurt myself until i feel numb and nothing anymore. Just let me do what i want and I'll just keep this feelings all by myself.' Jungsoo thought 

 

Jungsoo knew that letting the man he loved the most wasn't easy and very painful—Heechul was still his world and it was always him; not even Aina or whoever girl he would meet in the near future. Jungsoo couldn't even say goodbye to Heechul because it was hard for him to do it. Goodbye didn't exist in his vocabulary—

 

It was always his first love, it was always Kim Heechul.