Kyungsoo texted Jongin to see how he managed to get away from being seen by Seung-wan. He said he had to think on his feet. Hiding was too apparent. She’d check in all the obvious places so he jumped out the window and took a bus home. 

 

Kyungsoo was happy that Jongin was unscathed and sound. 

 

He’d never had a boyfriend. He’d never had someone he wanted to live for outside of his own being. He wanted to make it a morning announcement when they returned to school. He wanted everyone to know that for the first time in his life, he was exultant, in every sense of the word. 

 

But it was a feeling he had to keep locked up in his heart. 

 

Kyungsoo pacified his needs by seeing Jongin parade around in his new choker. 

 

“Isn’t that the necklace I wanted for Christmas?” Seung-wan asked at lunch. 

 

“That’s probably why I couldn’t buy it. Someone got to it before I could.”

 

“That’s not true,” Sehun reported. “It was on the window display when we passed the store.”

 

Kyungsoo kicked his friend from underneath the lunch table. 

 

“Ow! What was that for?” 

 

“I said it wasn’t there. You must have mistaken it for something else.” Kyungsoo silently slurped on his soup. 

 

“I wonder who bought it for him?” Jongdae queried. “It looks expensive.”

 

“Probably one of the dudes that s him on the side.” Baekhyun snickered. 

 

“He said it was his boyfriend… I didn’t know he actually DATED,” Seung-wan admitted. “It’s most likely someone older. I bet he made him a shoe for that choker.”

 

“Or maybe it’s someone who really, really cares about him and saved up his life’s savings to buy him that,” Chanyeol voiced, looking at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo pretended not to see. “At least, that’s what I’m guessing.” He shrugged. 

 

“Whatever. Soo is gonna buy me something better for our anniversary. Right, Soo?”

 

His friends mocked his girlfriend. “Riiiiight, Soooooo?”

 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. He had told Jongin he and Seung-wan would break up by Valentine’s Day, but here she was making plans for the both of them. 

 

“What are we doing for your birthday, Soo?” Yixing inquired. “It’s next week.”

 

Kyungsoo had come up with a shrewd way of conciliate both his friends and Jongin. “I was thinking… why do we only wait till New Year’s Eve to welcome something new? I should start doing that for my , too!” Kyungsoo tried to sound enthusiastic in the hopes of hyping up his gang. 

 

They looked at him in perplexity. 

 

“Hell yeah!” shouted Baekhyun. “We can get lit sooner!” 

 

Kyungsoo breathed out in relief. 

 

He and his friends went midnight bowling for his birthday. Seung-wan tagged along. The girl whispered in his ear that she’d give him his gift later. 

 

“ as a gift. How riveting.”

 

He swallowed his words when he saw she had bought him a knife set for the cooking portion of his FACS class. His guilt prevented him from accepting the gift. 

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I said they’re the wrong ones. And. I. Don’t. Want. Them.” Kyungsoo reiterated. 

 

“I’m trying, Kyungsoo. I’m really trying. The past three months have been hard on me. And you don’t even care! You never ask how I’m doing!”

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“Not well, Soo. Not well. I have a boyfriend who’s physically present, but not with me mentally or emotionally.”

 

Kyungsoo put his arms around her. He couldn’t break up with her. He’d have to wait for her to break up with him. 

 

——————-

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin celebrated Soo’s birthday at a miniature golf course. He was feeling generous. He let Jongin win. He couldn’t resist when Jongin looked so adorable hopping up and down with a yellow, knitted hood on his head. He jumped into Kyungsoo’s arms and made Kyungsoo twirl him around. 

 

He felt more daring and confident when he was with Jongin, with little to no expectations from his boyfriend. 

 

They shared a heart-shaped pizza at the food court. 

 

Jongin was sitting with his back against Kyungsoo’s chest. There was no way people surrounding them didn’t know they were a couple. Kyungsoo was fine with it. They were an hour away from their town. No one they knew was there. 

 

“I see that you like your necklace.”

 

“I love it. I’ve noticed Seung-wan gives me weird looks when I wear it.”

 

Kyungsoo kissed the top of his head. “We don’t talk about her when we’re together, remember? It’s just you and me in here.” He poked at Jongin’s temple indicating it was only them two in his mind. No one else existed when they were together. 

 

“You’re right. Back to us… your Christmas gift made me want to step my game up.” He gave Kyungsoo a box wrapped with black and white houndstooth paper. 

 

Kyungsoo unwrapped the gift. It was the same knife set Seung-wan had given him. 

 

“This is my first gift to you now that we’re official. I wanted to go all out. I spent all my allowance on it.”

 

This meant more to Kyungsoo than when Seung-wan gave them to him. It pained Kyungsoo that he couldn’t give the boy what he wanted the most since he was with someone else. And it wounded him to know that he’d continue to hurt him in the future…

 

Because Kyungsoo had decided weeks ago that he’d completely call things off with Jongin on his eighteenth birthday. He didn’t feel comfortable being an adult with a younger… partner. Which is why he wanted to make the most of the last year they had together by asking Jongin to be his boyfriend. He did it more for Jongin than for himself. He didn’t know if he should tell the boy or not that their relationship had a deadline. Was there a right time? No. Maybe one day. But Kyungsoo’s birthday wasn’t the day.

 

“You did good, schmoo.” Kyungsoo rocked him from side to side. “You did good.”

 

“I forgot to tell you. My mom wants you to come to my birthday dinner with us.”

 

Kyungsoo rested his chin on Jongin’s head. “I look forward to it.”

 

————————-

 

Kyungsoo wanted to be at Jongin’s dinner. It was being held at a swanky hotel. Jongin’s friends and family would be there.  It was only fitting that his boyfriend be there, too. 

 

But an emergency at his job caused Kyungsoo to miss it. With all the time and money he was spending on Jongin, Kyungsoo was at the mercy of his responsibilities. 

 

Jongin sounded let down. 

 

“I’m not lying, Jongin. I swear.”

 

“I know you’re not, hyung. Even if you are, in your mind you’re not. And that’s all that matters.”

 

Kyungsoo took a selfie in his green cap and green apron with a time stamp to show he wasn’t lying and sent it to Jongin. 

 

That’s okay, hyung. I forgive you :*

 

Kyungsoo was off the clock at 10:00 p.m. He sped to the nearest bakery. He knocked incessantly till the owner came out. 

 

“We’re closed, love.”

 

“You don’t understand. It’s my boyfriend’s sixteenth birthday. I missed his birthday celebration. I NEED a cake. I’ll pay you double the price… no, I’ll pay you TRIPLE the price for your trouble.”

 

The baker thought about the proposition. “Quadruple the price. Plus a tip.”

 

“Yeah, whatever. Give me the cutest one you have.”

 

———————-

 

Kyungsoo showed up to Jongin’s house with fondant cake decorated with edible glitter and a real balloon in the middle. He was exasperated. Jongin could tell he’d been rushing to see him. Kyungsoo reeked of espresso. 

 

Kyungsoo had them sitting in the dark on top of Jongin’s tabletop. 

 

“I don’t know if you get the reference? It was on a movie.” Kyungsoo surrounded the cake with sixteen candles. “Make a wish, baby.”

 

Jongin smiled. “All my wishes came true when I met you.”

 

Kyungsoo chuckled. “Make one, anyway.”

 

Jongin closed his eyes and prayed. He blew out his candles and kissed Kyungsoo.  “Thank you, Soo.”

 

“I know it isn’t as intricate as last year…”

 

Jongin laughed. “You don’t need to try THAT hard anymore. You already have me.”

 

“That’s not true. If anything, I should try harder.”

 

“God willing, I’ll have more birthdays so you’ll have other opportunities to make it up to me.”

 

No, I won’t. Kyungsoo thought. 

 

“It’s still memorable. I know you’re making an effort to give me everything I could ever want. And more. I have this gorgeous cake. I get to spend time with you.” He handed Kyungsoo a fork. “Let’s dig in.”

 

Jongin told Kyungsoo about his birthday dinner, his gifts, and what he wanted to achieve during his sixteenth year of life. “I want to learn how to sew. I want to live more recklessly. I want to get a summer job…” He the fork clean.

 

Kyungsoo scooped up a piece. “You’re hired.”

 

Jongin took a bite of the cake. “Soo, I don’t want to work at Starbuckssss…”

 

“You won’t. My mom needs a receptionist at the salon.”

 

“Put in a good word for me then.”

 

“You don’t need a good word. You’re dating the owner’s son.” Kyungsoo wiped a finger full of frosting on Jongin’s cheek.

 

“Oh really? I get special treatment now?” Jongin grabbed a piece of cake and threw it at Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo threw a piece back. “You’ve always been.”

 

Jongin smashed cake into Kyungsoo’s hair. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I’m being more reckless!” He hopped of the table and ran toward the stairs. 

 

Kyungsoo hit Jongin in the back of the head with a piece. 

 

They went back and forth throwing cake at each other till Jongin’s mom the lights. 

 

“What the hell is going on here?”

 

“I’m trying to give him an unforgettable birthday,” Kyungsoo said with another chunk of cake in his hand ready to go, locked and loaded. 

 

“I’m not cleaning this up, Jongin. Goodnight, Kyungsoo.”

 

“Can he-“

 

“No, Nini. He cannot. And I think it’s past your bedtime, Jongin. Say goodbye now.”

 

“I can help pick this up…”

 

Jongin kissed Kyungsoo. “You should leave. I got this.”

 

Jongin walked Kyungsoo out the door. 

 

Kyungsoo turned to look at Jongin one more time to give him a slip. “They said they’ll be coming by to drop it off tomorrow.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“It didn’t fit it my car.”

 

Kyungsoo had given Jongin a delivery slip for an adjustable drafting table. 

 

“You know… for your sketching. It goes with these.” Kyungsoo walked to his car to get a gift bag full of sketching supplies. 

 

“Kyungsoo, stay right there. I’ll be right back.” Jongin went inside the house to get something. 

 

Kyungsoo stood outside, waiting for Jongin to come back out. He could see Mrs. Kim watching him from her bedroom window. 

 

Jongin came back out with the Polaroid camera he toted for special occasions. “Smile, Soo.”

 

Kyungsoo gave him a thumbs up and Jongin snapped the picture. 

 

“What do you do with these pictures, anyway?”

 

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” Jongin frosting off of Kyungsoo’s face before he left. “Best. Birthday. Ever.”

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t tell Jongin that day, either.

 

————————

 

Kyungsoo observed his anniversary and Valentine’s Day with Seung-wan at midnight. The festivities were very minimal as in… only gifts were exchanged. She seemed startled when she opened up the gift box hers came in. It was rectangular in shape, but it wasn’t what she thought it was going to be. 

 

“A t-shirt that says ‘Feel My Shirt, It’s Made of Girlfriend Material.’ Really, Soo?”

 

“It’s the thought that counts.”

 

Seung-wan tossed it at his face. “I saw a package from Savage x Fenty in your room.”

 

Kyungsoo gulped, but didn’t cave. “I returned it. They gave me a different size. I had to improvise.”

 

“Definitely no for you.”

 

Kyungsoo was grateful. with Seung-wan was abhorrent. 

 

The package was actually tucked in his closet still. 

 

Because it was never meant for Seung-wan. He bought it for Jongin. Sweet, innocent Jongin who blushed when he saw  it. 

 

Inside were lacy, hipster with a heart cutout on the back. 

 

Jongin was so red in the face. “You gave me in lieu of giving me a carnation this year? Thanks… I guess?” 

 

“That way you’re well-equipped when it’s your first time. It doesn’t have to be me. Plus, those carnations are wack. That’s what got us in trouble last year. I’ll plant an entire garden of carnations for you, if it’s that important to you.”

 

“I suppose it’s not, in the long run.” Jongin  laid back down with Kyungsoo who had set up a blanket with candles and burgundy rose petals in his backyard. Kyungsoo made a sure to wear the scarf Jongin knitted for him the year prior. They were looking up at the stars, the perfect excuse for Kyungsoo to sing ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay to him. 

 

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah, they were all yellow

 

The boy exhaled. “Did you really… you know… do it underneath the stars with you know… after the New Year’s Eve party? Please don’t lie to me. You can lie to everyone else, but please don’t lie to me.”

 

Kyungsoo wanted to be honest. At least with Jongin who mattered the most to him in that moment. “I didn’t. It was just something I said to get her to come home with me. She didn’t stay the night. I took her home.”

 

“Good. Because I want you to make love to me underneath the stars.” Jongin paused. “Do you think our first time will hurt?”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t know. He’d never been with a guy before, but there was a first for everything. “Do you WANT it to hurt?”

 

“Not really.”

 

Kyungsoo his side to face Jongin, he propped his head up with his elbow and placed his hand underneath Jongin’s shirt to rub his belly. “I’ll do it so well, you won’t remember your name because you’ll be too busy screaming mine. I’ll make sure to hit all the right spots,” he said in a sultry voice. “I’ll start from the back and slowly dig you out.”

 

“Then what?” Jongin asked. He was having difficult breathing with Kyungsoo’s touch. 

 

“Then I’ll flip you on your back so I can see you come. Hard. Just for me.”

 

“Just for you, hyung.” Jongin turned and slowly stuck his tongue inside Kyungsoo’s mouth. Kyungsoo moved his lips to Jongin’s neck and began . Jongin’s moans became louder the harder Kyungsoo . He began pulling Kyungsoo’s hair again. Kyungsoo didn’t falter. It was probably all the boy could do because their lower halves weren’t getting any action that night.

 

Nope. Kyungsoo wasn’t going to ruin their outings by telling Jongin any time soon. 

 

—————————

 

Jongin went to school the next day with hickeys that were like tattoos on him. People were beginning to believe his story about having a boyfriend. This was great news for both him and Kyungsoo- people who were once interested in Jongin gave up and he was finally being left alone for the first time in thirteen months. Not only did Jongin have a boyfriend, but he was older, tall, and burly with a criminal record. 

 

“But did you have to make me tall?!?” Kyungsoo asked when Jongin had told him the revelation. They were working on their fashion design project at Jongin’s house. 

 

“Of course! They’ll never suspect that it’s YOU!” Jongin giggled. 

 

Kyungsoo tickled him. “Just say it: you’re embarrassed of me.”

 

Jongin was laughing uncontrollably. “No, hyung! Stop!”

 

“Only if you say it!” Kyungsoo tickled him harder.

 

“FINE! I’m embarrassed of you, you geriatric !”

 

The two rolled over in laughter. 

 

“But seriously, Soo. These gifts are getting REALLY extravagant!”

 

Kyungsoo had gifted Jongin a Quantum Stylist™ 9960 Sewing Machine to practice his sewing. 

 

“You know what my baby wants, my baby gets.”

 

“But what about-“

 

“Don’t say it.”

 

“Isn’t it… you know…”

 

“Her birthday, you mean?”

 

“Yes…”

 

It was Seung-wan’s sixteenth birthday. Rather than being with her, Kyungsoo was with Jongin, working on a mock clothing line. Kyungsoo was fascinated watching Jongin put together articles of clothing, using a bear with a sky blue ribbon as his logo. Kyungsoo looked down at his own sketchbook and was unimpressed 

 

As if he could read Kyungsoo’s mind, Jongin tapped on the paper with his pencil. “The proper term is athleisure wear, babe.”

 

“They’re hoodies and sweats.”

 

Jongin rolled his eyes. “You’re not just selling clothes. You’re selling a lifestyle.”

 

Kyungsoo frowned. He wasn’t sure about that. 

 

Jongin pouted. “Oh, Soo. I wish you could see yourself how I see you.”

 

“And how’s that?”

 

Jongin giggled. “You’d have to spend time in my brain.”

 

Kyungsoo leaned his forehead against Jongin’s. “I can tell you how I see you.”

 

Jongin turned over on his back. “You don’t have to tell me. I already know. I’m this otherworldly creature who crawled out of your innermost, deepest, darkest fantasies. You put me above everyone and everything. You’re scared of me because you’re scared to lose me and you’re scared by how much you like me.”

 

Kyungsoo was stunned. Could Jongin read his thoughts? 

 

The boy smacked his arm. “Hyung. I’m messing with you. I don’t need to know what you think of me because your actions show me every day.”

 

It was sorta true. Kyungsoo could no longer feign absorption in his girlfriend. He didn’t know anything about her. She was a stranger to him. He didn’t know her likes and dislikes other than what everyone else knew. He thought he had done good by going to the cosmetics store and buying her a cream for her birthday. 

 

“Soo… this is an anti-aging cream,” she had said. 

 

Apparently, Kyungsoo hadn’t read the label… because he wasn’t paying attention. He bought the first thing he saw.

 

Very contrary to the trouble he went through to get Jongin’s sewing machine. 

 

Kyungsoo had gone to at least a handful of stores before going back to the first one to get their latest and greatest model. He had a thorough conversation with the salesclerk, making sure the hook went in a circle and that it had an open arm- he read on Google beforehand. He didn’t want them finessing him out of his money. 

 

“You only have a few more games till soccer season is over,” Jongin pointed out. “I’m sorry you guys didn’t make it to the playoffs.“

 

“I’m not. The sooner we’re finished, the sooner I can start golf.” Kyungsoo tilted his head to one side to work out a kink in his neck. 

 

“Here. Let me help you.” Kyungsoo sat between Jongin’s legs to let him message his neck and shoulders. Seung-wan had done this many times but it didn’t feel as good as when Jongin did it. Despite the obvious difference between Seung-wan and Jongin, Jongin’s touch was more careful and loving. He didn’t do it because he had to. He did it because he wanted to and because he knew it made Kyungsoo feel good. 

 

“Are you gonna come to my matches when golf starts?”

 

Jongin stopped his motions for a suspenseful effect. “Let me think… between school and the many, many, many people who rely on me… I want to say yes, but it might be a no. Depends on how I feel that day.” 

 

“After all I do for you and I’m still an afterthought.”

 

“I’ll be there. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

 

Kyungsoo laid back onto Jongin’s chest while Jongin massaged his scalp. “I’m worn out,” he said ruefully. 

 

Jongin rubbed Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “I know. That’s why I’m glad you’re going on this Japan trip with your drama class. It’ll be like a mini-vacation. Are you looking forward to it?” Jongin got worried when Kyungsoo didn’t reply in words…

 

Kyungsoo responded by snoring. 

 

Jongin didn’t want to disturb him. He turned off his lamp as smoothly as he could and fell asleep with Kyungsoo in his arms. Indeed, there was a first time for everything. 

 

——————-

 

Kyungsoo’s Japan trip was smack dab  between soccer and golf season. Mr. Cha occasionally took his students on trips to different theaters. That year, the drama class was traveling to the National Theatre of Japan to see traditional Japanese performances. Kyungsoo was captivated by Japanese culture. It also helped that they’d be going to Tokyo Disneyland the next day. 

 

He asked both Jongin and Seung-wan what they wanted from the park. They gave him the same answer. 

 

“You know what I like.”

 

Kyungsoo knew exactly what he’d get Jongin. 

 

Meanwhile, he was irritated by Seung-wan’s answer. “What I’m hearing is you don’t want anything.”

 

“Maybe you need to get your ears checked, Soo, because what I’m saying is I want you to astonish me.”

 

His trip was as Jongin put it. A mini-vacation since it was only for the weekend. Kyungsoo had forgotten how much he reveled in acting like a goon with his friends without romantic commitments. They snuck alcohol into their hotel room after visiting the theatre and stayed up all night drinking. That didn’t stop them from going balls to the wall the next day at the park. 

 

The window displays inside the shop reminded him of one person. Even in a different country, the distance couldn’t keep them apart. A Duffy plush doll opened the floodgate for Kyungsoo to buy other bears. He didn’t have time to ask Jongin what he liked so he said ‘ it’ and bought them all- Winnie the Pooh and every other bear memorabilia Disney sold. Kyungsoo left with a hefty sized bag full of bears to take to Jongin. 

 

“Wow, Soo. Did you leave any for the other guests?!?” Jongdae exclaimed. 

 

“How are you gonna fit all that in your luggage?” Baekhyun voiced. 

 

Simple. 

 

Kyungsoo dumped out the clothes inside his suitcase and stepped into the plane only with the ones on his back. That’s how vital it was to ensure the bears would make their way to Jongin’s arms.

 

————————

 

Kyungsoo didn’t go back to school till Wednesday since he used Tuesday to recuperate from his trip. He told Seung-wan to close her eyes and put out her hands. The girl happily did so. He placed the souvenirs in her palms. 

 

The look of chagrin on her face when she opened her eyes was enough to make Kyungsoo chuckle. 

 

“What? You don’t like it?”

 

She held up the gifts. “A postcard and a keychain?” She threw the gifts at him. “You shouldn’t have bothered.”

 

“Bothered with what?” Sehun said as he sat down next to Seung-wan. Kyungsoo’s crew was joining them for lunch. 

 

“Bothered? She’s not bothered. After all those bears Kyungsoo bought for her in Japan?” Baekhyun laughed. 

 

“What are these bears that you speak of?” Seung-wan asked. 

 

Baekhyun stopped laughing. “Don’t play  dumb. The bears that Kyungsoo bought you at Disneyland.”

 

The girl was confused. “He got me a postcard and a keyring. I don’t know anything about bears.”

 

Jongdae slapped Baekhyun. “What if they were for Kyungsoo’s promposal and you ruined it?!?”

 

“Are they, Kyungsoo? Are they for my promposal?”

 

Kyungsoo gave her a stoic look so she wouldn’t tell he was caught in his web of lies. “No, they are not because there’s no need for one. It’s implied you’re going with me. You’re my girlfriend.”

 

“Then who are they for?”

 

Chanyeol clapped his hands. “That’s right, Baek. You weren’t there when Soo said he was buying those for his mom.”

 

Baekhyun gave him a deadpan look. “His mom? He cleared out his luggage for his mom? That’s one filial son…”

 

Jongdae tried to save face. “Keychains aren’t bad. You can put them on a lanyard, on your backpack…”

 

“And you can always frame that postcard,” Yixing continued. 

 

“Whatever. I’m leaving you losers.” Seung-wan got up from the bench and left. 

 

Baekhyun leaned in to whisper to Kyungsoo. “Are they seriously for your mom?”

 

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Kyungsoo carried on eating his lunch. 

 

——————

 

“Oh my God, Kyungsoo! Did you rob a carnival?!?” Mrs. Kim was absolutely astounded by the bears Kyungsoo brought into her home. “Jongin is out. He’s practicing a dance for his recital. Can you believe it? It’s three months away and he’s already rehearsing!”

 

Kyungsoo had credence that Jongin was. Jongin was just the type of person- a perfectionist. One of the many traits Kyungsoo admired about him. 

 

Mrs. Kim let him in. Kyungsoo went to Jongin’s room to arrange the bears on his bed. He was always amazed with how magical Jongin’s room was. His style may have been evolving, but he was still the same charming boy Kyungsoo met his sophomore year. Kyungsoo looked at Jongin’s full-length mirror. They were too busy doing other things when he was there that Kyungsoo hadn’t noticed it was adorned with pictures of them two- their birthdays, the holidays, and the summer before his junior year. Kyungsoo knew the affliction he’d cause Jongin by breaking up with him the next year. But it would be temporary. Lest Jongin found someone else, they’d pick up where they left off once Jongin turned eighteen. 

 

“Kyungsoo, what are your intentions with my son?” Mrs. Kim was standing in the doorway of Jongin’s room, looking pensively at Kyungsoo. 

 

He jolted when he heard her voice, but swiftly recovered. “I want to make him as happy as possible for as long as he’ll have me.”

 

“Please don’t hurt him. You mean the world to him. You’re the second man in his life that he’s loved this much.”

 

“I won’t.” There goes that word again. Love. It must have been tossed freely in the Kim household. Jongin didn’t love him. Jongin was used to Kyungsoo. He didn’t have any other reference point. Kyungsoo was worried one day Jongin would know his worth and discard him. He was worried because regardless of him minimizing Jongin’s feelings, he was flourishing some of his own. 

 

Jongin texted him pictures before bed. In one, the boy was lying on his bed with the bears behind him. He had the fattest grin on his face. He must have set his phone on a tripod to take the other because he was sitting on his bed and kissing one of the bears. Kyungsoo had never seen someone so attractive in a navy blue cardigan and light brown corduroy pants. 

 

By Kyungsoo’s calculations, they only had ten more months together.

 

——————————

 

Kyungsoo’s mind was distracted by golf and getting into character for his next play. Prom was not at the forefront of his list of things to do. He let Seung-wan handle it. She’d set up appointments and all Kyungsoo had to do was show up. It gave her an air of importance despite being neglected by Soo most of the time. 

 

Kyungsoo set aside a Saturday with her to go to his tux fitting. Her mom was dropping her off at Soo’s, but she was running late. He did what was now customary for him to do when he had extra time on his hands- he looked up gay . Yes, he got off to it, but he also was drawn to its nuances. If he was to be Jongin’s first, or Jongin’s anything, he’d have to know what he was doing. He looked up every position, every kink he thought he’d like, every kink he thought Jongin would like. He was so invested in what he was watching that he didn’t hear his mom let Seung-wan go upstairs to his room. 

 

She barged in. Thankfully, she didn’t hear the sounds that the men were making because he had the video on low volume. Kyungsoo stuffed his MacBook underneath his pillow. 

 

“What was that?” Seung-wan demanded. 

 

“Nothing. I was doing homework. Are you ready to go? I just need to use the restroom.” 

 

Kyungsoo went inside the bathroom to relieve himself. He’d have to bookmark that video for later. He was washing his hands when Seung-wan yelled out that she needed to leave as soon as possible because something came up. 

 

“I’ll hit you up later, Soo! Love you!”

 

“Mhmmm.” Kyungsoo was used to her saying the “L” word. It wasn’t something he could say back. He would grunt or make some noise of acknowledgement that he heard it. But that day was different. Lately, her “i love yous” were defunct and lacked meaning. She wouldn’t say the “i” anymore. It’s as if she said it just to say it. But the way she said it that Saturday… it was evident the whole thing was an empty gesture and she no longer cared to put up a front. 

 

Kyungsoo skipped the appointment to go back to doing what he was doing. He pleasured himself thinking about how staggering it would feel to do those movements with and to Jongin. He wanted to positively wreck Jongin into a sobbing mess. 

 

Seung-wan didn’t contact him the next day. She waited to text him on Monday morning. 

 

Don’t pick me up. We need to talk at lunch. Alone. 

 

Kyungsoo informed Jongin he needed to tend to something and they wouldn’t be able to take their post-gym-class showers that day at his house. 

 

Kyungsoo drove Seung-wan off-campus to talk to her privately. It was something she’d been begging for, but it felt like there was a damper to it. 

 

They went to a fried chicken place down the street from their school. 

 

Sueng-wan waited for the server to leave to begin talking. “How long have you been ing Kim Jongin, Soo?”

 

Kyungsoo spit up his water. “You sound insane right now.”

 

“How.Long.Have.You.Been.ing.Him?” She punctuated. 

 

“Never! I’ve only been with you for the past fourteen months!”

 

“Hmmm. Let me rephrase the question: how long have you been with Kim Jongin?”

 

Kyungsoo wanted to answer, but he didn’t want to break her heart.

 

“By my guesstimate, maybe October?”

 

Kyungsoo shook his head.

 

“Earlier? Wow. Were we together when you two first-?”

 

“No. It was off and on. You two kept shifting ranks.”

 

Sueng-wan nodded. “I only know about you taking him home sometimes, the gifts, you not being where you said you were gonna be. It’s comedic. I would go looking for you at work. They told me you left or you didn’t even have a shift that day.” No trace of irony was in her laughter.

 

There was no use in him lying to her anymore. Kyungsoo had to set himself free, but also explain himself. “You’re right. I did do all those things. But I want to make one thing clear: I never cheated on you. I never,” he lowered his voice. “I never ed him.”

 

Seung-wan scoffed. “‘Cause that makes it better, right?”

 

“Do you doubt me?”

 

“No, I don’t. I wanted to double check. It’s common knowledge amongst my class that Jongin is saving himself for someone. He’s become this sort of white whale amongst the school. Then there’s you…”

 

Kyungsoo was too embarrassed to look at her. 

 

She proceeded. “I know you watch gay . I had a hunch, but I saw it with my own eyes on Saturday. At first I thought you were hiding a surprise for me…”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t speak. 

 

“Soo… I’m not upset with you,” she cajoled. “I’m not sad. Hell, I’m not even angry at you. I’ve been emotionally preparing myself for months now. I’ll be fine. I’m like a cat. I have nine lives and I’ll land on my feet. It doesn’t affect me. I feel like I didn’t love you, to be honest. It just felt good to have consistent without having to look too far for it. But I feel like you should know something.”

 

Kyungsoo closed his eyes to brace himself. 

 

“Soo… Kim Jongin has a crush on you. For a long time now.”

 

The waitress came by with the fried chicken. Kyungsoo thanked her. 

 

“Soo, did you hear me?”

 

“Yes, I heard you.”

 

“Kim Jongin has liked you since he saw you for the first time during our freshman year… but, of course, you already knew that.”

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t deny it. He had suspected it for some time. “I thought it, but when I said it to myself, it sounded ridiculous… because how come someone like him like someone like me? It doesn’t make sense.”

 

Seung-wan smiled. “It may not make sense in your baby brain, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. He likes you because you’re everything he’s not. You’re not a try hard. You and your friends don’t fit into the stereotypical mold and you don’t subscribe to the high school bull. And, most importantly, you’re not using him for your own ual gratification. And on the flip side, you like HIM because HE is everything YOU are not. He unapologetically wears his heart on his sleeve and he makes you feel safe. Like you can be you. You think you’re pretending when you’re with him when in reality, you’re in your truest form when you’re with him. You ain’t gotta say it. I know I’m right.”

 

“How do you know all this?”

 

“Because I’ve been observing both of you from up close and from afar. What ails you, Soo?”

 

“I mean, I want it so bad, but I can’t bring myself to do it. We’ve gotten close to doing it. I’ve slept in the same bed with him, but something in me just… can’t.”

 

“Hmmm… maybe you’re subconsciously noble. You don’t want to because you respect him too much. You’ve put him on a pedestal. You’re worried you won’t perform. You want to make it count. That’s why it’s so easy for you to sleep with me. You don’t care if I’m satisfied or not.”

 

Kyungsoo pondered. Was that it? Did he put Jongin in a different category than his other loved ones? 

 

“Or are you scared you’re gonna like it and it’ll force you to define who you are?”

 

Kyungsoo put his head in his hands. “I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I’m gay. Am I bi? Am I pan? I don’t know myself anymore.”

 

Seung-wan understood his predicament. “Why do you need to label it? You like someone and he likes you back. Isn’t that sufficient? Out of everyone at the homecoming football game where he first saw you, he chose you. Out of everyone in the school, he chose you. Out of all the people who degradingly hit on him, he chose you. Do you know how blessed you are? Most people spend their whole lives looking for a person like Kim Jongin who loves them unconditionally and who simply enjoys being in their atmosphere despite how it may look to others on the outside.”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes began welling up with tears. “You don’t think my friends and family are homophobic, do you?”

 

“No, I don’t think either of them are. Especially your family. I know that to be a fact.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“It’s not that your mom doesn’t like me. She’s said it herself that she knows there is someone out there who appreciates you more than I ever could.”

 

Kyungsoo stared at her blankly. “She knew about Jongin?”

 

“Soo… it’s written all over Jongin’s face. If you don’t say it, Jongin’s expressions sure do.”

 

“Do my friends know?”

 

“Kyungsoo. You know the movie ‘Clueless’ with Alicia Silverstone?”

 

Kyungsoo vaguely remembered watching it for film club.

 

“YOU’RE CHER! And your friends are just as dense as you are. You’re so far up each other’s asses that you don’t see what’s happening around you. Literally EVERYONE knew. You know people would tease Jongin about it? They didn’t think you’d pay him any mind. Some people placed bets! Guess Jongin got the last laugh.”

 

“Surely Sehun had to have known. Jongin would do his algebra homework in exchange for information about me.”

 

“Is that how Sehun put it? Soo. Jongin didn’t only do Sehun’s algebra homework. He did ALL his homework. Every subject. Every assignment. I’m thinking up until he knew you personally. Which really pissed Sehun off because Jongin had promised if he got near you, he’d do Sehun’s homework for the rest of the year.”

 

“He did all that for me?”

 

“The kid worships the ground you walk on. I think I’m more surprised he didn’t do everyone’s homework, including yours.”

 

“Are you saying my friends and I are bad people?”

 

“No, I wouldn’t say you’re bad. Like I said, I don’t think your friends are homophobic, either. They’re teenagers. I don’t think they’d know how to deal with one of their own being on the spectrum. Because that’s what uality is. It’s not as black and white as people make it out to be. They wouldn’t know how to act and what to say out of fear that they’ll say or do the wrong thing. They’ll be worried you won’t have anything in common anymore. Maybe they’ll make inappropriate remarks like ‘a hole is a hole.’ But they won’t hate you. And they won’t bash you. Does that answer your question?”

 

Kyungsoo nodded. “If all these things are true, then why am I terrified to admit my feelings?”

 

“Because. You finally have someone outside of your inner-circle to think about. Someone who makes you want to be better, someone who makes you want to do better. Someone who pushes you to grow. People are naturally resistant to change. But that also means your experiences aren’t solely your own anymore. You get to share them with someone. Kyungsoo, do you realize that means you don’t have to walk this earth alone, if you don’t want to?”

 

“But I’m not alone…”

 

“It’s different. Deep down, you know what I mean.”

 

Kyungsoo tried poking at the chicken but he lost his appetite. 

 

“Are you gonna tell him you know?”

 

“What difference does it make? It doesn’t sway me. I’m still gonna break up with him on my eighteenth birthday.”

 

“Please, Soo. Don’t do that. You can’t cut him off completely. If you love him like I know you do, you’ll wait for him to turn eighteen. Whatever you decide to do, he has to know that you know. It’s not fair to him. You’re selfishly leaving bread crumbs out for him. You’ll break him if you keep going like this. It shouldn’t be a question. He should be your number one priority. He should be second to no one and you’ll be with him and only him until one of you ends it. Give him the relationship he deserves. Even if it’s only for the next nine months. Nine months is a long time. A baby forms in nine months. A lot could happen in that timeframe.”

 

“What would you do if you were me?”

 

“I wouldn’t have put myself in this position in the first place. You know what i think? I think you both are incredibly insecure. You’re letting your anxiety get to you. You’re scared of the future because he might not stay with you. It’s easier for you to self-sabotage before things bloom between you two because you can’t justify loving or being loved that much. Not everything has to have an answer. You can’t fathom how things will be if you take things further and how attached you’ll get. You’re untroubled by giving him a reason to break it off so it feels like he’s done you wrong when it’s been you doing him wrong all along. I refuse to believe you used this poor boy purely for your own enjoyment. Do you plan on staying with him after he turns eighteen?”

 

“I don’t know… I want to say yes, but I also want to say no. I don’t think I’m ready to settle down, but at the same time I can only see myself taking the next step with him.”

 

“Well, Kyungsoo. I don’t feel sorry for you. You’re surrounded by nothing but love. If you’re suffering, it’s because you want to. We better go. Our hour is ending soon.”

 

The chicken stayed on eve table, untouched. 

 

Kyungsoo had a lot to mull over. 

 

The last thing Seung-wan said to Kyungsoo was to be the good person she knew he was. Otherwise, he’d be worse than the athletes who went after Jongin merely for physical contact. At least they made their objective clear. Kyungsoo himself didn’t know what he wanted. Both his heart and mind were in a state of confusion. 

 

When he went to his FACS class Jongin asked Soo if he had been crying. 

 

Kyungsoo looked at him and replied. “I’m just happy to see you.” Jongin squeezed his hand.