Why this song, out of the blue?

Sayaka straightens her back, freezes and remains in thought.

Why were the lyrics written that way, anyway? ‘Love is something you only realise when it is gone (愛は過ぎ去ってから後で気づかされるもの)’; did I love Mirukii? Sayaka asks herself before realising the absurdity of the question.

She had thought the whole song was too apt in describing the relationship they shared. She still does. Except that she doesn’t understand some of the words that were chosen. But Sayaka knows that she still thinks that way, in spite of the word choices she doesn’t understand.

Miyuki was important to her. She did admit that as well, when Miyuki was graduating. Even if she refused to admit it, the endless tears she could not control were clear evidence. And she knew, at peace, that she was grateful for Miyuki’s presence in her life no matter how much frustration it had brought her— because of the abundance of frustration, happiness, company, comfort, encouragement and everything that Miyuki has brought into her life. Well, Sayaka has come to know what she feels about Miyuki already, especially since talking about it— too much, she thinks— during the time period of the latter's graduation.

But why am I thinking of Miyuki out of the blue?

Sayaka knows though, that it isn’t the first time since Miyuki’s graduation— and departure from her life, it seems— that she recalls Miyuki without any cause or explanation.

This time, though, she recalls not them onstage together, under the blinding spotlights, before a massive cheering crowd, with microphones in their hands. She recalls instances Miyuki’s antics had made her laugh, the times they argued over misunderstandings— we sure did not understand each other’s thoughts that well, Sayaka thinks and purses her lips together.

“I miss her,” the words leave in a whisper before she realises it.

Do I? Sayaka questions herself with wide eyes, knowing that she’s never felt that way, or thought that she was feeling that way.

Sayaka remembers the long, late trips between Tokyo and Osaka with only staff and the two of them, times of loneliness and displacement when she felt so far from home and that she knows now that Miyuki was her sole source of strength to move forward, times she felt that there was just the two of them and they were just them as two girls Yamamoto Sayaka and Watanabe Miyuki without NMB48, without the stage or cameras and without competition or comparison. The small yet warming happiness they shared somehow seems matchless.

Something tells her that perhaps, there was indeed some love between them. And it could also possibly be the only reason why Sayaka might miss Miyuki.

She wishes she could hear from her again. She wishes she could see her again. She wishes they could just be together as the two of them, like they were alone, without NMB48, without a stage or cameras, without competition or comparison. Back to the times when Sayaka could enjoy that small, warming happiness that she now longs for.   

An instinct tells her to reach for her mobile phone, but she does not move, knowing that there is no point. Sure they still have each other’s contacts, but they haven’t spoken in a long time. Even their meeting at the 10th Anniversary Concert felt somewhat staged, with courtesy and the celebration of their anniversary and of everyone being together again. The little incident about Miyuki running away from taking a photo together at first, though, felt real enough and it threw Sayaka back to their old times, with Miyuki’s antics confusing her and making her laugh.

But there is no way they can meet again, Sayaka knows. There is nothing tying them together anymore. We don’t even follow each other on SNS, she thinks. Or maybe Mirukii still follows me on Twitter. Sayaka feels no want to confirm.

Sayaka realises then how everything makes sense, even the absurdity. They were never friends to begin with, and they had met purely because they had taken the same step in their career path.

Somehow, everything had been set in stone. The fact that they would be pitted against each other, made to compete, even the fact that they would never be friends, that they would never meet again (not without NMB48 concerts they would appear at as graduated members). What a fate, Sayaka scoffs as she thinks. “The person I felt destiny the most (一番運命の人だと感じた)”, Miyuki had said when she announced her graduation. Some kind of destiny these two are trapped in for Sayaka to feel both remorse and contentment at the same time whenever she is reminded of Miyuki or their time together.

Sayaka purses her lips together and curves them into a small smile. She knows despite the bitterness that for all Miyuki has given her, she has become a pleasant memory.

It’s alright to miss her, right?

Even if we never meet again.

Because we will never meet again.

Sayaka closes her eyes and lets the tears fall.

a/n: you don't know how many times ive checked both of their following/followers on twitter and instagram lmaooo sayamilky is tragic but still cute ?! sorry the ending is somewhat sad i wrote it close to reality tho we don't know how much sayamilky rly love each other kek i used to ship them so much i thought they were in love with each other but well, we all did didn't we? still ship them soo much and i just think it's a huge pity they had to be pitted against each other so much for them to dislike each other at times. idk how many times i've complained abt this so i'll stop. anw, don't really know any 48g fans around here, so if anyone's reading i hope you enjoy it still!