Chaewon wants to be remembered.

-

 

If there’s one thing that Chaewon doesn’t want to happen – it’s being forgotten. Although people had already put a name on her, Kim that drinks a lot, Kim who’s spoiled by her own parents’ wealth, Kim this, Kim that.

 

Once she turned twelve, her parents thought that it was a good idea to let her be. They left her for an indefinite business trip. They never called, never texted, never spoke to her. They just sent her money monthly; let their maid take care of her, to look after her. It’s like her parents never wanted her anyway, and no matter what she does, all she gets is the same old congratulations whenever she achieves something. She used to long for her parents’ approval, for their love and attention, but now that she’s a senior, about to set foot in college, she makes sure people remember her as Kim who proved everybody wrong.

 

So far, she’s doing amazing.

 

Chaewon wakes up with a pounding in her head. She groans as she gets up, trying to block the sunlight that passes through her blinds using her hands. Looking around, she cautiously checks if she’s in her own room. She sighs in relief once she sees the familiar posters she had put up to make her space feel like home even just for a little bit. Then, she remembers, this place never felt like home. It was cold and too quiet for her own taste. Getting up from her bed, the faint smell of breakfast reaches her senses and she remembers the two significant people who made this place less miserable.

 

After taking a warm shower, she heads downstairs and is met by Eunbi. Chaewon wouldn’t call her their maid when she’s been there for her ever since. She was a better mother than her own. “Good morning, Eunbi-unnie.”

 

“Good morning, Chaewon,” Eunbi replies with a bright smile as Chaewon sits down on the kitchen island. “Had a good sleep?”

 

“I only slept for two hours,” Chaewon yawns. Eunbi puts down three plates, two for them and their driver, Seulgi. “I shouldn’t have drunk. I have like two tests today.”

 

“You never listen to me. You’re so stubborn,” Eunbi rolls her eyes and takes a seat. Seulgi then enters and greets the two girls.

 

Without Chaewon’s parents, these two individuals became her backbone. She needed parental guidance? They were there. She needed comfort and someone to hold? They were there. Since she was twelve, they were always there for her – being grateful was an understatement.

 

The drive to school was quiet, unlike the mornings where Chaewon and Seulgi would bicker and play around. Chaewon took the time to get a little bit more rest; she really shouldn’t have gone to that goddamn party. She wakes her up once they are in front of the school’s entrance, and pats her on the head. “Do well.”

 

“Drive safe, Seulgi-unnie,”

 

Upon walking through the hallways, it was mad chaos. It was the last week of the whole academic year, and everyone was hustling to pass their requirements. Chaewon being Chaewon was done with everything that needed to be passed. All she had left were the tests she didn’t study for. So much for KimChae being a delinquent.

 

She proceeds to her own locker to get a few of her notebooks when she spots her. A girl with long pink hair, wearing the all too familiar Harvard hoodie – Chaewon’s met her before. It was the start of the school year when they crossed paths, she knew who she was, but she wasn’t sure if she recognized her. She was beyond intrigued by the vibe that she radiates. Something in Chaewon always wanted to become close to her; it was weird. Then again, she had the face of an angel, it would be a bummer if Chaewon would pass up on getting to know her, so she slams her locker shut and makes her way towards her.

 

“Hey, I-“

 

“Don’t,” the girl cuts her off before she could even say anything else. “Please do not talk to me. I am having a bad day.”

 

She walks away without another word leaving Chaewon dumbfounded.

 

-

 

Chaewon is persistent.

 

It was unfortunate that Chaewon had to approach the woman at such a wrong timing. She wondered if she wasn’t having a bad day, will she be able to have a conversation with her? Probably not because she figured they have a lot of things to do. Perhaps, they would’ve exchanged numbers instead and hung out after, who knows.

She should really be focusing on finishing this free response question regarding ousting a dictator, but her mind keeps on wandering back towards the incident earlier. Chaewon wants to find her, but for what? She wanted answers, but what were the questions? She didn’t know either; it was now becoming a mission to find her for the third time, to meet her properly, to speak with her, to know her.

“Five minutes left,” their professor says as Chaewon finally snaps out of it and writes her own answers. With an aching right hand, she manages to pass her paper and hopefully pass this last semester which she doubts she wouldn’t.

She grabs her things and heads out towards her locker. She then spots the girl again, still wearing the Harvard hoodie from earlier, speaking with someone younger than her. She was blonde and had adorable written all over her. Chaewon averted her gaze from the two girls as she tried to remember the name of the blonde woman. She recalls that she once bumped into her, and spoke a word or two. Pretending to get something from her locker, she overhears the blonde girl’s name - Yuri.

Jo Yuri.

Chaewon debates if she shoukdl approach the two when suddenly the dark-haired woman takes her leave and heads to the south wing. She takes the opportunity to approach Yuri, a few seconds after the other girl left.

 

“Hey, Yuri...?” Chaewon asks cautiously. Trying her best to pretend that she wasn’t standing across her a few moments ago. “May I ask a few questions? Is that okay?”

 

Yuri would say that she was beyond surprised that Kim Chaewon knows her. She spent her days sitting in the library and would occasionally go to parties held by Hyewon who was co-captain of their cheerleading squad. She simply nods, unable to come up with a response. Chaewon proceeds to ask questions regarding the woman that she’s so fascinated with. She just wanted to know more of the woman with the Harvard hoodie — Yuri told her that her name was Minju.

 

Minju .

 

Chaewon wants to find out more about who she was. She asks more. The more she asks, Yuri’s smile slowly turns into a sad one.

 

“Is there something wrong?” Chaewon asks, noticing how the other girl’s expression changed.

 

Yuri looks at the ground. Trying to come up with words that would fit the situation. She hesitates then takes a deep breath. “Why do you keep on asking questions?”

 

“Oh, am I not allowed to?” Did I say something wrong?

 

“I’m just asking,” Yuri tells her honestly then looks her in the eye. She sighs and asks her to sit down for a while. “Because there’s something you need to know.”

 

-

 

Chaewon doesn’t want to miss the chance, so she grabs it immediately. The rain was pouring, and she had told Seulgi that she’d rather walk home. She understood her and let her be.

 

Chaewon loved walking in the rain. She holds her maroon umbrella up high and breathes in the earthy scent of the rain — petrichor.

 

It was a distinct smell that Chaewon found comfort in. She went down the steps of the building, and almost immediately, the droplets of rain flowed freely on her umbrella. She closes her eyes for a bit as she feels the wind against her skin. She takes her time with each step, as the people around her rush to get home. Cars passed by her in a hurry because they don’t want to be stuck in this gloomy weather.

 

Rushed footsteps came from those who forgot their umbrella as the rain started to pour even harder. A few minutes or so, those footsteps stopped. All she could hear was the gentle sounds of her own. Then, she spots a figure not too far from her.

 

Harvard hoodie. She was walking alone without an umbrella above her head.

 

“Hey!” Chaewon called out for her and rushed to her side. Careful not to slip on the wet pavement. Minju looks over her shoulder and stops so that Chaewon could catch up to her. “Where are you off to?”

 

“None of your business,”

 

“Well, it is my business, friend. I’m not letting you go without an umbrella above your head,” Chaewon walks with her. Changing her pace so she could keep up whilst leveling the maroon umbrella above their heads. “I know you’re having a bad day, so let’s not make it worse, okay?”

 

Minju simply shrugs.

 

Chaewon looks at her subtly, hoping she wouldn’t notice. She looked tired, and Chaewon wanted to wrap her into a hug. They continue walking for at least five minutes until Minju stops. She points at the sky blue house that’s a few steps away from where they were standing. “That’s me.”

 

Chaewon nods, and she gladly accompanies her to their doorstep. They both smile at each other before Chaewon leaves. She went at the same pace she was at before she had caught up with Minju. Gentle footsteps as the rain fell to the ground.

 

“Hey,” Minju calls out for her. “I better not be seeing you around here.”

 

Chaewon looks over her shoulder and smiles. Yuri’s words ringing against her ears — she somehow understood. “It’s Kim Chaewon.”

 

“...Kim Minju.”

 

Chaewon leaves with a big smile plastered on her face.

 

-

 

The next morning, Chaewon decides that she walks with Minju to school. She tells Eunbi and Seulgi about her. She tells them about the butterflies in her stomach as they walked in the rain. Eunbi smiles at her fondly, while Seulgi says something about “high school” and “puppy love.”

 

After breakfast, Chaewon heads out and goes straight to the sky blue house. She carefully walks on the porch, and rings the doorbell.

 

A few seconds later Yuri speaks. “Kim, I warned you.”

 

Chaewon sighs. “I know, but it’s not that bad yet, right? Give me a chance.”

 

After a moment of silence, she hears footsteps nearing the door.

 

“Kim Chaewon?”

 

“Let’s walk to school together, Kim Minju,” Chaewon says, and she could hear Minju sigh from the other side of the door.

 

“No,” she replies. “Go ahead. I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.”

 

“Take it with you, and let’s go,” Chaewon huffs and taps her foot impatiently.

 

“No.”

 

“Fine, but I’ll come back tomorrow,” she turns her heel and adjusts her backpack. She only had three days left until school ends.

 

She hopes Minju will give in before the week ends.

 

-

 

Unfortunately, Wednesday and Thursday came, Minju still didn’t budge. She never saw her at school, maybe she was busy hustling so she didn’t bother to look for her, Chaewon didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable as well.

 

But she was consistent in wanting to walk with her every morning.

 

It was a Friday morning and Chaewon took her precious time walking towards the sky blue house. To her surprise, Minju was sitting on the porch, chewing onto a slice of bread. “Took you long enough.”

Minju stands up and finishes her food. Chaewon smiles — Yuri’s words replaying over and over again.

She will keep Minju beside her.

 

(Soon enough, Chaewon saw the signs.)

 

Minju never really let someone into her life because she knew that a person who tries will only live a life full of regret. That's why she was so against letting Chaewon in.

 

Chaewon didn’t deserve to be hurt.

 

It was the second time she went to her place. She toys with the ice bear tumbler her sister gave her as she sighs and walks towards the door. She stares at the plain white wooden door as she hears her sweet voice behind it after calling out her name.

 

“Kim Chaewon?”

 

“Let’s walk to school together, Kim Minju,”

 

"No," she repeats the same answer from yesterday. "Go ahead. I haven't eaten breakfast yet."

 

"This is the second time, Minju," she can tell that Kim just rolled her eyes at her, she holds back a laugh. "I'll come back tomorrow."

 

Hearing Chaewon’s footsteps, she closes her eyes and thinks. Will she come back again tomorrow?

 

If she does, will Minju let her in this time?

 

She shakes the thought out of her head because she’s growing more and more frustrated at everything. It all feels like a raging war. Every day, she wakes up and everything feels so foreign. All the thoughts, all the faces, all of her surroundings, and it scared her to death. She was scared of the unknown. Gripping her ice bear tumbler tighter, she caresses it as if it was a baby — gentle and fragile, just like her own.

 

Minju tries and is still trying.

 

She closes her eyes and tries to remember what she looked like — it was all too foreign. She remembers bits and bits of it, remembers that they shared a maroon umbrella, remembers that she wore her favorite Harvard hoodie that day. She remembers that she should’ve taken a good look at her face.

 

Every day, she wakes up and recalls a name. It was a cycle of remembering and forgetting. She’s frustrated, confused, and afraid of what waking up tomorrow will bring.

 

She stays at home again - never left. Dropped out school eight months prior to her own graduation. Nobody knew that except for her sister, Yuri. About thirty minutes had passed, she was on the same spot, seated, grip on her tumbler still tight as she stared at it once again. Minju then moves to get up and have some work done. She passes by the piano that she was sure that she knew how to play, but whenever she sits down and touches the black and white keys - it feels foreign.

 

Minju goes to the kitchen and washes the dishes. She takes a plate and slowly rubs the sponge against it. She loved the feeling of the soft and yellow sponge on her hand. It reminded her of how gentleness felt. It reminded her. It takes about three hours for Minju to finish washing the dishes. Yuri makes sure to leave a lot for her so she can have something to do. Something to do that she was familiar with.

 

After washing the dishes, Minju goes out of their backyard and lies on the grass. The green grass pricked against her skin and she loved it. She loved the feeling of the grass as if it was tickling her. It reminded her of how serenity felt. It reminded her. The times where she and her father went to the park when she was young. The times where she and Yuri stayed up late, their bodies sprawled on the grass as they talked about their dreams and their struggles. She stayed there until night time came, where she had to eat because the feeling of hunger was still familiar and she made sure she remembered how it felt.

 

She goes back inside, her sister waiting for her with food on the table. She chooses to sit across her own sister. Yuri had always wanted to sit beside her, but the older girl wouldn’t let her. Minju wanted to remember Yuri. The Yuri who stayed despite the number of people leaving her. The Yuri who understood her when nobody else didn’t. The Yuri who tried to make more memories for the two of them, but Minju refused to because she was scared. Because everything else felt foreign. She wanted to stay on track. She wanted the same old routine. She didn’t want Yuri to become a memory.

 

Her mind shifts back to the girl whose name she’s familiar with. She doesn’t want her to become a memory either. She was still hesitant about letting her in. She didn’t want another person to experience the pain that Yuri is still going through. She didn’t want her to get involved. Minju would always refuse because at the end of the day she will be left alone. She will be left alone with everything feeling so foreign.

 

Minju didn’t even notice that Yuri was talking to her the whole time. It takes her a while to respond with all these thoughts raging in like a war. It was all too unfamiliar. It was unknown and she was scared of it. Getting up, she goes to her and hugs her. She loved it. It reminded her of warmth and she wasn’t ready to forget the feeling of warmth.

 

She proceeds to her room with feelings of confusion. The room started to feel foreign as well, and it scared her to death. Tucking herself in, she feels the cushions beneath her. She smiled as it slowly reminded her of home. She loved it. She loved the combination of gentleness and warmth. She closes her eyes, drifting away to the world of dreams with the feeling of fear about waking up tomorrow.

 

-

 

Thursday.

 

Today, Minju wakes up feeling a little bit better than yesterday. She can never be too sure. She stretches her arms, feeling a little bit of relief. Her mind shifts once again to the girl whose name she recalls. She gets up and proceeds downstairs. She smells a foreign scent — it must be food. Yuri was cooking up something different for today and Minju smiles.

 

She looks for her ice bear tumbler inside their refrigerator and rubs her palms against its cold metal texture. She sits on their sofa, feeling its soft cushion as it reminds her again of gentleness. She never wants to forget the feeling of gentleness, so she searches for its feeling every day despite everything being so foreign towards her.

 

The doorbell rings. Minju feels a bit of familiarity.

 

She proceeds to the white wooden door and slides her back against it. She closes her eyes as she hears shuffling from the other side.

 

"Kim Minju, it’s me Kim Chaewon. Let's walk to school together," her voice. She remembers her voice from the past two days. It was the third day of her visit - wait, was it?

 

“No,” she repeats. The words are a little bit familiar to her now. “Go ahead. I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

 

Chaewon huffs. “This is the third time, Kim Minju. Tomorrow’s our last day.”

 

Was it really? She lost track of time; she always does.

 

Minju sighs as she caresses the ice bear tumbler once again. Then, she hears the familiar footsteps, and she is reminded by the question again - will she be back tomorrow or she’ll give up easily too?

 

Yuri calls for Minju to eat breakfast. Immediately, she gets up with the tumbler in hand, excited to taste something new. She promised Minju that they will try new things.

 

She sits across her sister, wanting to see her face, wanting to remember her for as long as time will tell.

 

Yuri sets down the unfamiliar platter in front of her - it smelled heavenly, yet so unfamiliar. She hesitantly picks up her fork and examines its texture. It was soft and light brown. It was like bread, but she knows it’s a different kind. Yuri then spreads butter on top of hers and pours a brown and gooey substance. “I made pancakes. You can put butter on yours too and some maple syrup. You haven’t had these since we were kids.”

 

Minju smiles at her sister. She gets the butter from her and spreads some on her own. It was smooth and it reminded her of happy times. Everything was so smooth and easy back then. She then proceeds to get the maple syrup from the table and pours some on her plate. It was slow and she could tell it was sticky. It reminded her of herself, and she wouldn’t say that she’s proud of herself and for what she’s become, but the important thing is that she’s trying. Yuri speaks to her, and Minju simply listens to her voice. She didn’t bother responding, and the other girl understood — it was always like that.

 

Yuri leaves after finishing her breakfast. Minju stayed seated on the dining table for a while. She looked over by the window, the sky was blue and only a few clouds in sight. She grabs her plate and proceeds to wash them on their kitchen sink. She grabs the sponge and squeezes it; foams of soap oozing out as she giggles. She was once again reminded of how gentleness felt. Taking her time on washing the dishes, even the ones from last night, it took her about two hours and it was indeed therapeutic for her.

 

After drying her hands, she passed by the dining table and grabbed the ice bear tumbler on her way out. Her body is once again sprawled out on their lawn and she takes a good look at her tumbler. She sees some dents and scratches on its white metal surface. She smiles as she recalls the day she bought it.

 

Minju loved Ice Bear’s character.

 

He appears cold and emotionless, but in reality, he really loves taking care of other people — Minju feels the same. Although her sister takes care of her now, she really wants to, but she can’t. She’s unable to take care of herself, how can she take care of other people?

 

She takes a sip from the tumbler and sets it beside her. Feeling the grass against her skin, it tickles and it reminds her of how serenity felt. Looking up at the sky, the clouds seem a bit thicker and are slowly being blown away by the wind. Minju forms a sad smile because the clouds basically describe her right now. Slowly being blown away by the wind, but she solemnly swears that she won’t give up just yet.

 

Going back inside, she’s met with Yuri preparing their dinner. She refills her tumbler with water before putting it inside the fridge and sits on one of the chairs, patiently waiting for Yuri to finish. Minju smiles as she smells something familiar.

 

“Is that what mum used to make?” Minju asks from the dining table.

 

“Yeah. You used to love this,” Yuri answered. “I missed this a lot. Did you?”

 

“I always do,” Minju says, fiddling with her fingers- she was happy that she was able to remember that. “With everything being so foreign, at least this is something I’m familiar with.”

 

It wasn’t foreign; it was what their mum used to make for them. Something to fill their stomachs as they both came from a tiring day of school — grilled cheese and tomato soup.

 

The aroma of onions and bread filled the room. Minju was reminded of never-ending love. The love that only her mother had both given them. She tears up a little as she remembers everything they’ve been through, missing her dearly.

 

She takes a bite of the sandwich that was oozing with cheese and crunched with every bite; she loved it so much. It reminded her of home — the feeling of security within your home surrounded by the people you love the most. She takes her spoon as she digs into the tomato soup. Its creaminess matched perfectly with the saltiness of the sandwich. It reminded her of chemistry. The chemistry she had with her sister who she loved so much, who she will always remember and will try to remember even if her mind doesn’t allow her to.

 

“Minju?” she looks at the her sister after hearing her name. “You are willing to try new things, right?”

 

“Yes,” Minju answers honestly. “But one at a time. It takes a while for me to get used to things.”

 

It was true. New things are also the unknown, and it was terrifying for her to say the least. She wonders if others felt like this too. She feels alone carrying this burden even though Yuri’s there for her. She knows she understands, but she can’t seem to open up that much knowing that her sister is busy at the moment passing her requirements in order to pass the final semester. She wanted her sister to reach her senior year and college with or without her.

 

After eating, she bids her sister good night, taking a long look at her face before heading upstairs to her room. She tucks herself in as the feeling of gentleness and warmth engulfs her whole being letting some of the fear inside her subside even for a while. Sleeping scared her because she was afraid of the unknown.

 

-

 

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