“I’m thinking of living alone.”

Seulgi closed her eyes immediately after she said that, too nervous to hear or to see the rest of Red Velvet’s member reactions. It was a short and simple sentence, but it took Seulgi for weeks to finally talk about this.

It was a normal Saturday night, they were currently or break, “group break” to be more exact. They had a lot of individual schedules but not as a group because of what had happened to Wendy last year. She was still on her recovery process, and seems like they would not be having a group comeback anytime soon.

Seungwan was in her parent’s place, Sooyoung was in her own studio, meanwhile Yeri, Joohyun, and herself were chilling in the dorm when Seulgi suddenly called the other two to gather in the dorm because she said she had something to talk about.

No one replied, and Seulgi could feel the tension in the air.

“That’s cool.” Sooyoung finally broke the silence.

Seulgi opened her eyes, couldn’t help but sigh in relief. As she expected, Sooyoung would be so cool about the idea since she got an apartment for herself too, although she still stayed in the dorm a lot. She just went to her place sometimes whenever she felt like to.

However, Seulgi was getting nervous again when she realized the rest three members remained quiet. She was too scared to even look at them.

Especially the leader.

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I have been staying in my parent’s place as well and I think you deserve a private place, too.”

This time, it was Seungwan. Seulgi actually didn’t worry so much about the latter’s reactions since she knew Seungwan was always like this- she always supported the members for everything they wanted to do, as long as it’s not a bad thing.

“I agree. You are a grown up woman, anyways. Just make sure to visit us.” Yeri stated.

A soft smile creeping up the monolid’s face.

Seulgi was about to feel completely relieved when she realized Joohyun hadn’t said anything.

Seulgi took a glance of the leader who was sitting beside Seungwan. She had no expression on her face. Joohyun was just still sitting there, not budging at all, with her lips pressed together forming a straight line.

And now, everyone’s eyes in the room were plastered on the oldest, waiting for her to say something. Realizing that now everyone was looking at her, she parted her lips, trying to say something- but nothing came out from her pretty lips as she pressed them back together.

“Joohyun unnie?” Seulgi asked, half murmuring. She was really scared.

No, scared was an understatement.

“That sounds good.”

Cold.

Seulgi should have felt relieved after hearing the older’s answers but no, because she knew Joohyun was unhappy about the idea.

And it was so obvious.

Joohyun was never good at hiding her feelings, and not only Seulgi but the rest members also noticed. All of them eyed Seulgi, back to Joohyun, and back to Seulgi.

“Is that all? If you are finished, I’ll go to bed first. I'm so tired.” Joohyun excused herself, as she stood up, leaving the living room and disappeared behind her bedroom's door.

“Oh my God, I can finally breathe. That was so… intense.” Yeri said as she released a heavy sigh.

“Unnie doesn't look not really happy.” Sooyoung uttered.

Seulgi brought one of her hands up and pinched her temple. Her head was throbbing really hard.

Seulgi knew Joohyun would act like this.

She was not dumb.

She had known the leader for almost ten years. They were so close during trainee days, and during the years when they just debuted. But everything changed when Red Velvet was turning into a three years old group.

Seulgi noticed how Joohyun started to make this boundary between two of them. They still talk to each other, but it felt so different.

She felt like Joohyun and her had turned into strangers. Joohyun had stopped coming to the monolid’s room to chat and cuddle; she had stopped texting Seulgi asking about her day; they had stopped having fun or sometimes a deep conversation like they used to do during their trainee and rookie days.

Seulgi thought it was only a one time thing. She thought maybe Joohyun was just tired and needed some time alone (because obviously, being a leader was not easy at all) and Seulgi tried to understand. But she kept ignoring her whenever Seulgi tried to approach her, and she finally realized everything.

Joohyun had been avoiding her.

And it had been going for almost three years. Seulgi really wanted to barge into the leader’s room, asking her if she had done something wrong, asked her why she always gave her cold back whenever she tried to approach her. But, Seulgi never did that.

She really wanted to sort things out with Joohyun, but she was afraid she would lose her at the end. Losing Joohyun as a friend was torture for her, she didn’t want to lose her as a workmate too.

“You should go to talk to her, Seul.” Seungwan said.

And those silent treatments for years Joohyun had been giving her had reached its peak. Seulgi couldn’t handle it anymore, she was really confused, she was desperate and she couldn’t help but feeling really upset.

“I will later.” Seulgi said meekly, as she flashed a soft smile.

It was almost 2 a.m and Joohyun was supposed to be sleeping at this time. She had no schedule tomorrow but she always slept on time if she could. She knew how it felt like when she could barely sleep during her debut days, so she really appreciated time like this, when she could rest properly without worrying about anything.

Not until Seulgi gathered everyone, saying she wanted to live alone.

And Joohyun knew, it meant she would leave the dorm, and Joohyun would not be able to see the monolid a lot.

And she really hated the idea.

Joohyun knew she was being selfish now. She had been giving the younger a hard time. She had been avoiding her for god damn three years, giving her cold back, making this boundary between two of them. She was an , she was really aware about that and she knew she was really not in the place to be against of the idea of Seulgi about her moving out.

She had failed making this dorm felt like home for Seulgi.

Joohyun really didn’t want to do this either, if you asked her. She really liked Seulgi a lot. As a leader, she was supposed to love all of the members equally but she had to say that Seulgi was her favorite. At first, Joohyun thought maybe It was because she knew Seulgi for the longest. Maybe it was because Seulgi was already there during her hard time as a trainee. Maybe Seulgi was there whenever she cried on their company’s rooftop, stressing about her debut. Maybe Seulgi was there when she felt really pressured by those high expectations on her after debuting as a leader of Red Velvet.

And Joohyun thought she liked Seulgi as a friend, as a bandmate, as a younger sister.

That’s what Joohyun had been telling herself, that whatever this feeling she had towards the monolid was not more than that. Not until that day, when Joohyun came to Seulgi’s room to cuddle like what they always did, only to find the younger was sleeping on her bed. She stopped right beside the younger’s face, examining her peaceful face when Seulgi was sleeping. Everything was normal, before her eyes landed on the younger’s lips.

Then, Joohyun realized. She shouldn’t have been feeling in this way towards her friend, towards her bandmate, and towards her younger sister.

It’s not normal to want to kiss your friend of lips, right?

Joohyun left the room immediately and went back to her bedroom, trying to figure out everything alone. She spent her sleeping time for hours to convincing herself that there’s no way she had this feeling to her own friend, only ended up with her giving up and admitted that she had been denial all this time.

She liked Seulgi.

Romantically.

Joohyun had lost count of how many she cried. She really didn’t know what to do. She really wanted to talk about this with the other but she was scared that she would ruin Red Velvet. She was scared she would lose Seulgi as well, so she decided to keep this to herself. She didn’t know what thing had got into her when she decided to start avoiding the younger. Joohyun regretted it immediately when she saw how hurt Seulgi was whenever she started throwing her cold back to the monolid but she was so stupid. Joohyun thought it was the best thing she could do, although she knew she was hurting Seulgi, although she was hurting too inside.

She did all of this for the sake of Seulgi and Red V