There are many things running in Momo’s mind. It’s been just a day since she’s feeling this way, feeling something wrong inside her mind, inside her heart. Yet, it becomes heavier as minutes turn into hours of talking with the girl she loves. It feels like she’s just obliged to say things like I love you when she doesn’t know herself if she really meant it or just because the other said it and she needs to reply back.

And so the pondering starts.
(Momo hopes that she can find an answer while Sana, her lover, is away for a while because of some personal matters).

Momo doesn’t really know how or why did it started—all she knows is that she’s now having a wrong feeling towards her partner. She thinks she’s slowly falling out of love.

(“I love you to death, Momo. I will never let you go.”)

They started as friends. Does the majority start there? Where one falls for her best friend because of her kindness and corny jokes and contagious laugh and twinkling eyes and bright smile and everything seems so right?

Momo always has her eyes on Sana even though they are 9 in their own circle of friends. She always notices how clumsy she gets even with just simply walking along the streets of their neighborhood, how bubbly she is especially to dogs and kids and stationery, how adorable she is when she does aegyo, hug and kiss their friends because she just wants to, how charming she is when she does things she truly loves like writing letters, capturing landscapes, and painting the people she loves, and how lovely she is in every single way, in every angle when she looks at her inside and out.

And so that friend confesses and it turns out that she feels the same way? But there’s a twist before the confession happened: they should act as lovers before turning it into reality.

There’s one time when Momo had a typographical error that made Sana until they call each other different term of endearments and starting to care for each other that’s like more than just friends (that later on recognized as super mega best friends level because she doesn’t want to assume anything even if Sana eventually tells her that she meant every word that includes you’re the only one I love).

Then it hit Momo, that kind of treatment bombarded her head with so much what ifs. What if they give it a try? What if she’s really falling for her best friend? What if Sana’s just playing around? What if she’s feeling something that’s so wrong? Sana’s her best friend, heck, she’s her best friend for life, and so why does she fall for her? For what reason? Just because she laughs at her corny jokes? Just because her eyes hold the whole galaxy when she’s looking at her? Just because her smile is so priceless every time she gave the girl something she really wants? Just because she gives her worthy advice? Just because she’s a shoulder to cry on? Just because her hugs are warm and comforting?

Yes. God. Yes. If Momo’s more than willing to sacrifice their friendship just so she can say her feelings to her best friend, she will gladly do it. It’s now or never. Momo just thinks that it’s best to let the people you love know that you love them. Sana’s more than deserving of love and appreciation and care and support and comforting hugs and priceless smiles and a shoulder to cry on and the whole wide world.

And as if the universe is listening to Momo, it lets her confess to Sana and finally, the confusion stopped. They became girlfriends after 8 goddamn yet wonderful years with overflowing love for each other.

The days immediately became full of sunshine and butterflies and unicorns and every soft and sweet thing. They continued what they started, the only difference is that, they are now a couple for real and can call each other with different endearments and show their love and care for each other without any hesitations and restrictions. They gave each other trust and loyalty, and promised to fight for each other until the end, against all odds, just like any other couple out there who promised each other the same thing. Both are confident that they are each other’s soul mate, each other’s lifetime partner, and that they will last until the end.

Except the day they are really afraid of comes and Momo was the one who had it.

But why does she feel things for Sana, all of a sudden? That kind of feeling where she was confused if she really felt love towards Sana or does she just need someone she can lean on? Why does she feel so confused when she must be so sure about Sana, about Minatozaki Sana, her Sana? Why does she need to choose between options when Sana shouldn’t feel and will never be just an option?

Maybe Momo’s really not ready for a relationship yet. Maybe she’s rushing things, just like she does in different stuff in her life. Maybe she hurriedly accepted Sana in her life as her lover and not just as friends first, and foremost. Maybe she’s just hyped up of the idea of being in a relationship, but is actually afraid of commitment and doing things a partner must do (for example: loving her in no means and love her eternally because Momo truly believes that if one finds for a partner, it should be for a lifetime).

And yes, maybe Sana is really right when one time she said that Momo is the one who doesn’t need a partner, but, just someone whom she can just talk with, someone who will understand her, or someone whom she can say or share something about her problems, but clearly not a lifetime partner. The one she needs is someone just for the mean time to lessen her feeling of being sad and alone, but Sana chose to stay anyway, even if she expected that Momo will not return her feelings (except that she did).

Maybe that’s how selfish Momo is—she doesn’t think about the fact that Sana is more than willing to give her all but Momo just thinks of leaving her after what they’ve been through for the past years, for the past months. Maybe she’s really that selfish to think of leaving the girl who stayed in good and bad times, who gave her a shoulder to cry on, who gave her warmth, who assures her that everything in her surroundings will be alright, who comforts her, who makes her smile, who wipes her tears away, who accepted all her flaws and insecurities, who loves her more than anything else. Maybe she’s that selfish because she thinks of hurting her best friend, the person who has been there for her at most times when the world turns its back to her, who treated her like she’s worth everything in this world.

However, she has a point, right? It’s better to tell the truth earlier than prolong it? Making it less painful? But she will still hurt someone’s feeling, either way. Momo’s in no doubt that Sana doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt because she experienced being hurt, exaggeratedly, for her whole life now. She doesn’t deserve someone like her who thinks of hurting and leaving at the end, who makes her feel like she’s unwanted and tiring, who gives her nothing but confusion and doubt and pain, who can’t commit anything to her, who doesn’t think of the bigger picture.

Even though Momo is so sure that Sana will deeply understand and forgive her, she can’t still get rid of the fact that she’s worried because in the end, she still chose to hurt the one and only person who chooses to love her even if it hurts over and over again. She’s sickeningly worried because Sana is her best friend and she doesn’t want her to get hurt, to feel left over, to feel the things she experienced in the past. But pain gives lessons and therefore will teach the both of them something about love, about commitment, about friendship, about life.

So in the end, after so many days, weeks, and months of pondering and weighing of things and feelings, Momo decided to let go. She decided to let go of anything and everything related to her feelings for Sana. She decided to let go for the betterment of the both of them individually. She decided to let go for her not to hurt Sana anymore. She decided to let go for Sana to finally breathe, for her to focus on herself more and not on someone who can’t accept what she have, for her to find someone who truly deserves her.

(And when Sana came back to an empty apartment, she immediately figured it out that it is indeed possible for Momo to fall out of love for her because who is she? When she’s just no one, she’s still not enough for Momo.)