Hardest Love

 

Love. What is love?

 

 I used to ask myself that question when I was in middle school. My mind, however, doesn't seem to have an understanding of that. I've always wondered what love is for other people. What is love I asked my family, friends and even strangers when we met on the road? They smiled at me with a smile, and said, 'Love is happiness.' It occurred to me that they were probably right. I love my family and also my friends.  Whenever I looked at my mother and father, I noticed the spark of love and joy in their eyes, and the way they embrace each other, I felt warmth. Somehow, looking at them makes me wonder what love feels like towards another person, a relationship perhaps, romantically speaking. At that time, I was only 11 years of age and the concept of a romantic relationship or romance did not really appeal to me.

 

The environment I was in when I got to High School, it changed a lot. It's been rather lively and cheerful. I thought to myself at this point, "This is the next chapter of my life and I hope something good comes out of it." I'm guessing this is a bit immature of me. From the very first day I arrived, however, it hasn't been any different. I've still been playing out in the grass, going around and sweating through the intense heat of the sun. Something had changed when I reached my second year. It's something that's inevitable, and it's made me feel a little distant.

 

 My friends and I were having lunch under a large tree in the back of my room on one fine day when it was hot out. Not to have a meal here every day was very wrong, it was very peaceful and the view is beautiful, with blooms of flowers in different colors. Compared to the school cafeteria, where there's a bunch of noisy and rebellious students, the calmness of this place is rather comforting.  As I listened to my friends, I ate my meal silently with my eyes focused on my food, and my mouth full of chewing and swallowing. They had their work cut out for them talking and laughing about something I didn't understand.

 

“So, tell us, do you love someone?”

 

 My mouth chewed slowly and my eyes looked away from my food, the pair of brown orbs landed on the person that was asked that question. I'm just curious about why they asked this question and what my friend who was cornered felt nervous to the point where she had a very red face. With her pair of very red ears, she could be seen slowly streaming sweat down her forehead. Her hands, waving from left and right in front of her face as her eyes looked at anywhere other than my friends, and she said“No one, I loved no one. Hehehe.”

 

 How strange, if she doesn’t have someone she loved, then why was she nervous when asked about that question. Is loving someone really that scary that you tend to be secretive about it? There's an aura around her, which is quite obvious that she's in denial. I don't even understand anything about this topic of loving someone, be that as it may. I've remained oblivious to my surroundings, and have continued eating lunch.  They asked me a question that caused my brain to stop working when I was finished packing.

 

“How about you Seulgi, do you love someone?”

 

 A question that I couldn’t comprehend well, and that I, too, asked this question to myself. I could not come up with any answer to that. I have avoided the concept of romance and love in my life. Consequently, I developed a lack of interest in romance. I've always thought romances are unnecessary, but now that I look at them and listen to what they say, is it inevitable?  Or did other people have a tendency to join in the romance because of peer pressure? In any case, I don't even know what it means to love someone.

 

“Forgive me for I don’t have someone I love,” I said nonchalantly.

 

 Their gaze towards me became soft with a grin plastered on their faces. As I tilted my head slightly to the side, I looked back at them with a curious look. As they patted me lightly on the head, they laughed.

 

“Such innocence, how many times have we asked that question to you?” One of my friends named Jeongyeon said.

 

“A bunch of times.”

 

“Does it bother you?”

 

“Not a slightest.”

 

That was a lie. I am bothered by it. Bothered by the fact that I don’t know what does it feel like to love someone or how to love someone. I somehow became pressured and questioned myself as to what is the sense of love. The obsession to not feel left out began to start. I want to understand what love is like, therefore, I binge watch and read about romance. Thus, I understand the concept of romance, slightly.

 

“When did you first met that person?”

 

“I don’t exactly have any recollection of that incident.”

 

“That’s not fair! How could you forget something so important?” The girl said as she pouts her lips and looked at me sulkily. I chuckled at her reaction and I patted her head in amusement.

 

“Was the time and place that we first met really that important?”

 

“Of course it is!”

 

I chuckled slightly and asked, “Oh, how come?”

 

“Because that’s when you first imprint that person in your mind and heart!”

 

One fine day, on my way to the library. I saw a flock of students surrounding a girl. Based on the girl’s tie, which is color blue, meaning she is in her junior year. I ignored the crowd and proceed to walk towards the library’s entrance. I walked towards a bookshelf and looked for the book that is related to my assignment. I sighed and took the book. I walked around and saw a vacant area with no students. I happily walked towards it and sat down quietly. I began writing and answering my assignment. As I was halfway through answering, a knock on the table was what I heard. I looked at the source and saw a girl carrying a bunch of books in her hand. She looks familiar somehow. I just shrugged the thought and looked at the girl.

 

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

 

“No, be my guest though.”

 

“Many thanks to the young one.”

 

She put her books on the table and pulled her seat that is one seat apart from me, then she sat down with a sigh. I haven’t put my gaze away as I continued to inspect her. She has an elegant hairstyle, with half of her raven-colored hair formed into a rose flowered bun and her other half is down wavy. Her skin as white and clean as a porcelain doll. Her pair of big brown orbs that shine with a hint of gentleness in them. Her long eyelashes. Her cherry-colored lips look better if she smiles. Her uniform that only junior year students wear. She coughed slightly with a blush on her cheeks, probably hinting that she is uncomfortable. Perhaps, I gawked at her too much.

 

“Forgive this young one for her rude behavior.” I apologized to the junior as I bowed my head.

 

“Oh no, it’s fine. I reckoned that you were just curious as to who am I. Also, you are too polite, I am Irene, Irene Bae. You can just call me Irene.”

 

“Many thanks to junior Irene. I am called Seulgi, Kang Seulgi.”

 

I sighed and went back to writing. After a few hours, I finished my work and I packed my stuff. I was about to walk away when ‘Irene’ grabbed the cuff of my blazer, and by that, I looked at her questioningly.

 

“May I trouble this sophomore to accompany me? I am uncomfortable about being alone, you see.”

 

I saw her lonely expression as she stated those words. I sighed internally and nodded my head, and I said, “You may. Luckily, I don’t have anything to do after answering my assignments so this sophomore can freely accompany you.”

 

“That is great! I’ll trouble you with accompanying me then.”

 

I went back to my seat and took out my book. I read it for about half an hour and notice the person beside me burying her face on the book with a sigh. I notice she cleaned her stuff indicating that she is finished. I took away my book and put it in my bag.

 

“May I trouble this sophomore again to have tea and biscuits with me? It will serve as your compensation for accompanying me.” Irene said with a gentle smile on her cherry-colored lips.

 

“Ok then. Apparently, I am a little bit hungry.”

 

“Then let’s go!”

 

After some time, I became her study partner whenever we meet in the library. As days go by, she became my friend. No, more than that, she became my best friend.

 

“When did you realized that you loved that person?” The girl said as her eyes twinkle in curiosity.

 

“When, huh?”

 

When we finished college, Irene and I were still best friends. Although, we don’t have the  same course or job. We remained in contact with each other, and she was reluctant to part with me. I, too, want to never part with her. It seems that my days aren’t complete without her. When we were in college, we became roommates since she doesn’t want to part with me. As she said, I am her little sister, and that she wants to take care of me. That I didn’t mind and was quite happy.

 

One day, a single letter was found in my mailbox. It was colored pink, with lots of shiny bits around it. I was somehow ecstatic and hurriedly went inside my room. When I looked inside the letter, I found something unexpected. It was a letter of invitation. A letter of invitation to Irene and Suho’s wedding. Joy and pain were what I felt when I read the letter. Wait, pain? How strange, why would I feel pain in Irene’s momentous occasion? I disregard that feeling since it is somehow odd of me to feel that way.

 

On the day of the wedding, the bride, Irene, goes down the aisle with a veil that hides her elegant beauty from the crowd. She took a glance at me with that gentle smile on her face like the first day I met her and I was stunned. As she walked past me, a single tear was dropped from my eye, and I wiped it hurriedly. I felt my heart ached when she looked at me with that smile. When I saw her taking Suho’s hand and intertwined it with hers, my heart began to ache terribly at that sight. I looked at Irene and Suho as I wonder why my heart aches looking at them as they looked at each other intimately. I began to reminisce about Irene and I’s moments, and I remember the past where I told myself she is my happiness. Wait a minute, why did I say that? How come I told myself that she is my happiness? How strange, since when did I become sentimental.

 

I suddenly recalled a time when I asked her a certain question that has been bothering me since I was in middle school; “What is love?” I recalled how she chuckled at me and looked at me with gentleness and bliss. She said; “Love causes you to do things you never figured you would do. Love allows us to get away from the everyday bit of life and experience something beyond we can only credit the universe to.” I still wasn’t satisfied so I asked another question again; “What does it feel like to fall in love?” She replied to me with gentleness as if she was speaking to a child; “It seems like spring after an unforgiving winter. Your cold snow dividers soften and blossoms arise and you feel the warm sun on your skin. You gleam. You see the world distinctively and new experiences start. You let go of control and gain immediacy. You don't convey the world alone; you have somebody to help you. You have somebody who features the best pieces of you and supports the work progress. Begin to look all starry eyed at, take that jump. It seems like you're on a thrill ride, an enthusiastic one at that. Trust me it will be the best ride of your life.”  

 

At that time in my life, I realized that I fell in love for the first time. I felt happiness and pain at the same time, oh how I loved the way they lied to me. They said; "Love is happiness." yet nobody told me it was also painful. Was loving someone always this wonderful yet painful at the same time? Is it wrong for me to realized love too late? She was right, it was the best ride of my life because I experienced happiness and pain both at the same time. I can finally admit to myself that I, Kang Seulgi, fell in love and experience the beauty of love and pain for the first time. However, this love of mine is the hardest love because we never happened.

 

“You realized that you loved that person on his wedding day?!” The girl said, her eyes glimmer with sadness in them with a pout on her lips. I chuckled at her antics and gently caress her hair.

 

“Yes, I did.”

 

“But why did you realize it too late? You could have been together by now!”

 

“Oh, you silly girl, I was ignorant of love back then. Forgive this middle-aged lady for being too foolish, will you?” I said with a gentle smile on my face. “Child, what would you say if I told you I fell in love with a woman, like myself? Would you disdain me?”

 

“Of course not! My mother told me to be more open about other people’s romantic preferences! Be it woman to woman or man to man. My mother taught me that; “Love has no culture, boundaries, race or religion! It is unadulterated and delightful like the moon's appearance in a tranquil lake.” The little girl said, with innocence in her eyes. How lovely she is, like a little blooming flower in a forest of trees and plants. “Aunt Seulgi, where is your first and greatest love now then?”

 

“She is now happy in the arms of your father, my little angel.”

 

That’s right she is now happy, and so do I… She’ll always be my first and greatest love.