“Quit staring, man. He isn’t even paying attention.” Ryeowook whispered harshly towards Hyukjae.  

Hyukjae’s eyes reluctantly left the sight of Kyuhyun, who was in and out of sleep as they waited to perform.

“I’m not even staring.” He glares at Ryeowook who just mimics his stare.

“Whatever, just keep it under control on stage, can’t have you messing up on one of our last stages.” Ryeowook chuckles before heading out of the waiting room.

His eyes fall back on Kyuhyun, his bangs falling into his eyes. Hyukjae could not help but stare at how long his eyelashes were his soft cheeks. The way his pink lips were slightly parted, little puffs of air being heard every few seconds. Hyukjae swears he has never seen anyone or anything as beautiful as Kyuhyun.

“5 minutes guys, get ready to go.”

Hyukjae sighs as he goes to wake up Kyuhyun. The days seem to be longer and longer. Shows are more draining than they were, members are struggling to keep up with the choreograph, everyone has their own solo schedule anymore and it’s tiring. 

Kyuhyun’s schedule was especially busy. From one show to the next, to performing with the group. Hyukjae wonders how he can keep going and not pass out from exhaustion.

Hyukjae admires the way Kyuhyun never shows his exhaustion to their fans, taking everything in stride and with a smile.

He watches Kyuhyun out of the corner of his eye the entire performance. The way his body moves to the beat. How Kyuhyun always looks more graceful when he is performing than when he is not. Hyukjae thinks it’s funny how Kyuhyun only seems to have control of his long legs when he’s dancing instead of walking.

Towards the end, Hyukjae missteps and Ryeowook’s words come roaring back at him. He really was only asked to do one thing and it was to perform, but instead, Hyukjae’s eyes couldn’t leave Kyuhyun for longer than a few seconds.

Hyukjae quickly looks over to see if Ryeowook saw his misstep, unfortunately, Ryeowook is already glaring at him as he goes to the front of the formation. His eyes slowly gravitate back towards Kyuhyun, who is staring at him with a look of concern. Eyebrows bunched together, the crinkles around his eyes more prominent.

Hyukjae decides he hates that look.

 

 

 

The performance ends, they’re rush through the ending ceremony and are promptly pushed into separate cars and vans to take them home. Hyukjae has never been more thankful for their managers rushing to get them back to the dorm.

He’s a little unthankful that he got shoved in the back next to Kyuhyun. Every inch of his side pressing into Kyuhyun's. Kyuhyun’s long legs bunched slightly to accommodate the small space. He can smell the perfume the stylist sprayed on him, something that reminds of the wind on the beach, with a slight undertone of sweat, and Hyukjae finds it a little intoxicating.

The heat that Kyuhyun’s body is radiating is making Hyukjae dizzy, being so close to Kyuhyun is dizzying.

A glance at Kyuhyun’s legs and thought fill his mind rapidly.

Kyuhyun's legs, warm and smooth, spread around his hips, gripping, and pulling him closer.

Kyuhyun on his knees, hands snaking up his thighs with light caresses. A kiss here and there.

Hyukjae feels the blush rise from his chest to his neck. He uses his shirt to cover to slight bulge that has grown. He notices his breathing has become harsh and struggles to calm down.

“You alright? Are you sick?” Kyuhyun whispers, his hand resting lightly on Hyukjae’s thigh. The heat burning through his pants.

He looks over and sees the same concerned look he saw during the performance.

“Yea, yea, of course, just ready to shower and relax, ya’ know?” He stutters and prays for the manager to drive faster.

He takes one more glance at Kyuhyun, the stare has lessened, but he sees the concern, the worry, and wishes to kiss the slight pout his friend has subconsciously made. One last glance and Kyuhyun is back to looking out the window, cracked slightly now, blowing a much-needed breeze into the back seat.

Hyukjae finds himself staring at the way the wind blows Kyuhyun’s bangs back, the way Kyuhyun looks more mature with his forehead showing.

The breeze slows to a stop as the manager pulls into the dorms and are soon ushered out into the dark parking lot.

 

 

 

Since that performance, Hyukjae’s mind has been plagued with thoughts of Kyuhyun, specifically, how would Kyuhyun taste.

Those lips haunt his dreams at night, leaving him with uncomfortable feelings and sticky situations in the early morning hours.

Hyukjae wonders what it would be like to wake up next to Kyuhyun, the early morning sun casting a golden glow onto Kyuhyun. He thinks about being able to see Kyuhyun’s bare face every morning, getting to see him at his most vulnerable. Seeing him in his softest moment, hair splayed across his pillows, cheeks soft and pink.

Hyukjae rolls over and groans into his pillow. He’s turned into a lovesick puppy and he is not exactly sure he cares anymore.

After a few minutes of contemplating what he is doing with his life, he finally manages to push himself out of bed and head into the kitchen. He stops in his tracks when he sees a sleepy Kyuhyun sitting at the table, strawberry in hand, lips stained red. His hair still wet from the shower, small drops of water falling off the strands of his bangs.

“Morning.” Kyuhyun greets, voice still filled with sleep, slightly deeper than his usual voice.

“Uh, morning.”

Hyukjae pulls out the chair across from Kyuhyun, looking anywhere but at Kyuhyun while taking a seat. He looks over when he hears plastic scraping the table and notices Kyuhyun has pushed the container of strawberries toward him.

He smiles to himself as he plucks one into his mouth. He sees Kyuhyun smile as well as he takes another bite, a piece of strawberry peaks out the corner of his mouth. Without thinking Hyukaje reaches over and brushes his thumb across Kyuhyun’s lips, swiping at the piece of strawberry. His hand caresses Kyuhyun's cheeks as his thumbs stills at the corner of his mouth, frozen with fear and embarrassment at what he just did.

“You, uh, you had a piece of strawberry.” His voice trailing off. He’s not exactly sure what he is trying to say. He looks at Kyuhyun fully now and sees the small smile that has formed. With his thumb still on Kyuhyun’s lips, he watches as Kyuhyun opens his mouth slightly, enough to see the pink of his tongue. Hyukjae, stuck watching as Kyuhyun’s tongue lightly at the corner of his mouth where his thumb still lies. He feels the warm heat of Kyuhyun’s mouth. Feels the tip of his thumb being gently.

All too soon, Kyuhyun’s lips are sealed and he is pulling away from Hyukjae. A small blush forms on his cheeks and he thinks he probably looks the same.

“let’s go to the beach today,” Kyuhyun suggests.

“The beach?” Hyukjae glances down at his phone, noticing it is only 10:34 am. He tries to calm himself as Kyuhyun answers.

“Yea, it only a few hours away. Let’s getaway for a bit.” Kyuhyun leans against the counter, waiting for Hyukjae to answer.

“Just us?” Hyukjae tries to keep the hope and fear out of his voice.

“Yea, just us. We haven’t been able to spend much time together. Get ready, you’re driving.” He chuckles before walking out of the kitchen.

Hyukjae stares at the strawberries wondering how he is going to make it through the day.

 

“Won’t we get recognized?” Hyukjae grumbles as he settles into the driver seat.

“You worry too much.” Is all Kyuhyun answers back, humming a sweet song to himself.

Hyukjae admits to himself it is a nice day for the beach. He feels relaxed as he drives, the wind blowing his hair, Kyuhyun singing some song on the radio. Hyukjae wonders why they’ve never done this before and promptly remembers the hectic schedules they have. It’s a welcome gift that they even have the same day off.

Hyukjae feels his throat close as he takes a glance at Kyuhyun. He’s never seen Kyuhyun look so free, big sunglasses sitting on his nose, his face bare of the harsh makeup they are forced to wear, shiny hair being pushed every which way from the wind. And his favorite, the big smile on Kyuhyun’s face as he continues to sing.

“Eyes on the road, Hyuk.” Kyuhyun laughs.

 

“I told you no one would be here, come on let’s walk,” Kyuhyun says.

Kyuhyun is already on the sand by the time Hyukjae organizes himself and gets out of the car. The golden sun shining on Kyuhyun’s hair as the wind whips it around.

Kyuhyun has always been known as the autumn prince, but to Hyukjae, Kyuhyun was more like the spring. New life growing all around them. Bright and sunny. Kyuhyun was the growing strawberries, the spring rain, the blooming flowers, Kyuhyun was the embodiment of new life.

“Come on, we don’t have all day,” Kyuhyun yells back at Hyukjae, who had been stuck staring.

 

 

 

Since the strawberry incident, Kyuhyun has been adamant about avoiding Hyukjae Leaving when he enters the dorm, some excuse on the tip of his tongue. Sitting on opposite ends of the group, avoiding Hyukjae’s eye contact. Kyuhyun clings to Heechul in hopes of a distraction. He sees the confused look on Hyukjae’s face every time he pulls away from him.

Hyukjae feels like he’s going crazy. Kyuhyun was perfectly friendly when they were at the beach, joking around with him, playing with him. Kyuhyun even treated Hyukjae to lunch. But now, Kyuhyun refuses to give Hyukaje the time of day.

Hyukaje wonders if he did something wrong. He thinks back to everything he said that day, everything he did. He cringes at remembering the strawberry moment, but Kyuhyun was fine afterward. He must have said something while at the beach that he can’t remember.

He looks across the dorm at Kyuhyun’s shut door, debating whether he should talk to him. He’s running through the possible outcomes of confronting Kyuhyun and decides that there is no possible way for it to end well.

On one hand, he could end up confessing to Kyuhyun as a plea to talk to him. That leads to more unsettling outcomes. Or he could have actually done something wrong and Kyuhyun now hates him for whatever reason. Neither idea sounds appealing to Hyukjae as he continues to stare the door down. Maybe if he keeps staring at his bedroom door, something will happen. Kyuhyun will magically appear and act like nothing ever happened and Hyukjae can have his best friend back.

After a few more minutes of staring at the door intensely, he realizes that Kyuhyun isn’t going to come out and have everything be fixed. He sighs and turns back to his phone.

He knows Kyuhyun must leave in a bit for rehearsal and that solidifies his decision of not doing anything about it tonight. Arguing that Kyuhyun should be able to rest in peace before going out instead of dealing with Hyukjae’s crisis.

As the tv drones on, Hyukjae hears Kyuhyun’s door open and shut and the undeniable sounds of Kyuhyun shuffling about.

“I’m heading out. There are leftovers in the fridge, remember to eat, Hyung.” Is all Kyuhyun says before the front door is being opened and shut.

Hyung

Hyukjae feels his heart clench at the simple word. Kyuhyun rarely calls him hyung unless they are fighting. The word rings in his head as he feels his heart in his throat.

 

 

Hyukjae looks over as he hears the door swing open, surprised to see Donghae bursting through the door and plopping on the couch next to him.

“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae questions.

Donghae ignores the question as he steals the bag of chips Hyukjae was munching on.

“When are you going to confess to Kyuhyun.” He asks, crumbs flying from his mouth.

“And before you stutter out something stupid, everyone knows about your big fat crush on Kyuhyun. You aren’t exactly subtle, Hyuk.” 

Hyukjae still sputters on the chips he was eating.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Hyukjae turns to look out the window near the couch.

“Hyukjae…”

“You want me to say I’m in love with Kyuhyun? That I can’t seem to stop thinking about him? That I’ve never felt more myself than when I am with him. That when I’m near him, all my worries seem to disappear, and I can finally relax and be happy. Is that what you want?” Hyukjae pushes himself off the couch, pacing back and forth in front of the tv. His breathing becoming harsh.

“I want you to be able to love and be loved freely, and Kyuhyun is someone who can give that to you. So, yes, I want you to be honest with him. He feels the same, what do you have to lose?” Hyukjae stops in his tracks hearing the last part.

“He feels the same? Is this a joke, Donghae?” Hyukjae’s voice rises with anger.

“Come on, Hyukjae, haven’t you noticed? The way he looks at you? He looks at you like you hung the goddamn stars, man. Don’t you see the little things he does for you? Making sure you slept well, feeding you, making sure you’re taking care of yourself? Do you think he is doing that as a friend? He loves you, he’s just not good at words.” Donghae’s serious look convinces Hyukjae that he isn’t saying this as a joke and Hyukjae can feel his heart clench.

“I can’t.” Hyukjae sits back down next to Donghae.

“Why?”

“We really aren’t in the position to be dating, are we?” Hyukjae’s voice now soft and filled with sadness.

“Why aren’t you? Other members are dating, why can’t you two?”

“Donghae, man.’ Hyukjae stands back up, aggressively running his hand through his hair. ‘we can’t. We are idols, we are male idols. We don’t have the luxury to date and be happy together. The minute the public finds out we are done for. I’m not going to let my feeling potentially ruin the group.” The room grows quiet besides the small sniffs from Hyukjae as he tries to contain his tears. His breathing grows louder as he finds it harder to stop himself from crying, from letting everything he’s been holding in out.

“Hyukjae, the group already talked about it. I mean, Heechul Hyung kinda brought it up to the rest of us. Apparently, Kyuhyun has been hiding out at his house and he may have let it slip about his feeling about you to Heechul. And you know Heechul, can’t keep a secret for nothing.” Donghae sighs, trying to find the words to say what he means. “What I’m trying to say is, the group knows about your guy’s feelings and we want to help you two. All we want is for you two to be happy together. We aren’t worried about the group’s image, Hyuk. We’re getting old, don’t we deserve to find love? You happened to find it within the group and that’s amazing. Please, don’t push aside your feelings.” Hyukjae didn’t’ even realize Donghae was standing right in front of him. Tears blurring his vision.

“You understand?” Donghae asks as he pulled Hyukjae in for a hug. Hyukjae pushes his face into Donghae’s shoulder, trying to keep it together before he can’t and just lets it out.

They stand there for a bit, Donghae rubbing small circles on Hyukjae’s back as he lets him cry into his shoulder.

After a few minutes, Hyukjae pulls backs and wipes his tears on his sleeve.

“When did you get so mature, Donghae?” He laughs softly.

Donghae smiles and lets Hyukjae know he must be going, but to think upon what he said.

 

 

 

 

It’s not until a few weeks later that Hyukjae finally gets Kyuhyun alone. Kyuhyun was still avoiding, which wasn’t hard with Kyuhyun’s current schedule, but Hyukjae knew he’d need to rest soon.

It was a rare night that Kyuhyun stayed in the dorm, lounging on the couch in the front room. Flicking through the channels, occasionally stopping on one channel for a few minutes before continuing. Hyukjae sat at the kitchen table, slowly building the courage to say anything to Kyuhyun.

Donghae’s words replayed in his mind and as much as he hated to admit it, he knew Donghae was right and he needed to say something.

Silently, he got up from the table, quickly grabbing something from the fridge before heading over to Kyuhyun.

As Hyukjae leaned back on the couch, he hands Kyuhyun the carton of strawberries, hands shaking slightly. Kyuhyun looks over at him, puzzled, but takes on the strawberries and nods. Hyukjae pulls the carton away, grabbing one for himself.

“Can we talk?” Hyukjae asks around the bite of strawberry. Kyuhyun shuffles in his seat a bit before turning to face him. Knees tucked under his body and his arm resting on the back of the couch.

Kyuhyun sighs before he nods, encouraging Hyukjae to continue.

“I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it, alright?” Hyukjae sets down the strawberries, taking a few deep breaths.

“I love you, Kyuhyun. I’m in love with you. I- I don’t know when this started, I don’t even know how this happened. But…’ Another breath. “I love you so much, Kyuhyun. I contemplated telling you for a while, but I can’t hold it in anymore.”

Hyukjae takes this moment of silence from Kyuhyun as a chance to move closer until his legs are touching Kyuhyun’s.

He slowly reaches up to Kyuhyun’s chin, pushing it up so Kyuhyun is looking at him. Hyukjae leans in close enough to feels Kyuhyun’s breath on his lips.

“Tell me you feel the same way.”

A heartbeat and he can feel Kyuhyun’s lips press gently against his. Before Hyukjae can respond, Kyuhyun is pulling back, but still close enough to feel each other’s breath.

“This isn’t a joke, right?” Hyukjae feels the words more than hears them.

“I’ve never been more serious, Kyuhyun.”

 

Kissing Kyuhyun is like falling into the sea when it’s too hot in the sun.