191125; 11:11pm // Makati Medical Center

Mark this day as my second visit at nasa ICU ka pa rin, you had been there for weeks, or maybe atleast a month already. I’ve been unwell to the point I could hardly sleep, minsan binabalitaan ako nila tita sa kung ano na ang lagay mo, but your case stays the same. You are still unresponsive, at hindi ko alam kung kailan ka ulit gigising.

Your Narcolepsy got worse that you had to stay at the hospital for drug treatment, na kahit hindi ka naman talaga gagaling I’m still hopeful it would minimize the impact in your daily life, that it would make you live a little longer. Tinignan kita mula sa bintana ng kwarto and I saw how you are peacefully laying down, I watched all the tubes connected in your body as the drug flows in your blood, please wake up sooner Jessica, please wake up for me.

“Krys, anong balita sa ate mo? Is it improving? Did she atleast move her hands?” I asked worriedly, hindi na ako makahintay pa, I just want to know how the drug in her body is going.

“Wala ate Yuri, ganon pa rin. The doctor said, it would still take a while before she wakes up. At hindi rin masasabi kung kailan siya ulit gigising... all we could do is wait.” I bit my lower lip as I try to keep my tears from falling. No specific time, no specific day, and here we are waiting every single minute of time passing by.

“Kailan siya pwedeng ilipat ng private room? Mag-iisang buwan na siya sa ICU ah?” I can’t help but to remain desperate, waiting for her to open her eyes is the only thing that will make me calm.

“Well luckily, itatransfer na raw siya by 12AM, kailangan lang matapos yung pag inject ng drug then ayon, hintay na lang ulit.” Krystal explained, she’s been here for a month too, and I know wala pa siyang maayos na tulog at pahinga kaya pinauwi ko na ang kapatid ni Jessica.

Time keeps ticking, and I am here crying at every second that drops through my eye. Napatayo ako the moment its fingers aligned at 12, ito na, makikita na ulit kita. Umingay na ang paligid ko, at bumilis rin ang tibok ng puso ko. The doctors and nurses came inside to take all the tubes and wires away from your body, and upon looking at your small physique... y-you a-are lifeless.

As they pushed your bed towards the door, ang hina mo nang tignan, yung labi mo noon na malambot at mapula, maputla na lang, yung mata mong puno nang buhay, nakapikit na lang, at yung kamay mong mainit na matagal ko nang gustong hawakan, nanlalamig na lang.

...And it made me cry, so hard. That I had to blur my eyes out just to erase what you look like right now.

I followed them as we reach back to your private room, at habang inaayos nila yung swero, at yung ibang gamot mo, I stayed close to you. Finally, I was able to reach for your hands, the moment I pressed and tighten my intertwined fingers, they felt heavy. As if you are holding all the weight in it, as if you are carying all the false hope you held in your mind for so long. But no, kung bumibigat at nanlalamig na ang kamay mo, ako na ang sasalo nito, leave it to me, I want your hands to feel light and free.

For some reason, the doctors haven’t left yet, I was alarmed by the way they looked at me waiting for me to respond back. Bumitaw ako sandali at lumapit sa kanila, it must be important. I tried to wipe my tears and talk to them casually, pero hindi nakatulong yung balitang sinabi nila sa akin.

“Ms. Kwon, I don’t think the stimulants can make Ms. Jung stay long. Her Narcolepsy is getting worse, and to inform you, sever case na rin ito. She might wake up, pero mas matagal pa rin ang oras ng pagtulog niya.” As much as I want to keep this question to myself, I still need a definite answer.

“Doc does it mean na pwedeng hindi na rin siya magising? Or kung magising man siya pwedeng maging huli na?” My hands are trembling as I try to keep my ears wide open, alam ko naman ang sagot, at kahit alam kong hindi ko kaya marinig ng husto, I also need to wake up from my own reality.

“Yes Ms. Kwon, and Ms. Jung is close to that sitution.”

Tumango lang ako, what else can I do? Hindi ko naman hawak ang oras para ihinto ito sa pagtakbo. Gustuhin ko man iikot pabalik, hindi ko naman magagawa. The moment her doctor left, I fell down on my knees, hindi ko na kayang tumayo ng matagal and I just let my body gave in to my emotions. I cupped my mouth so no one else could hear me crying, na kahit tayong dalawa lang ang nandito, I know your heart will still recognize it.

Once I regained my strength, tumayo ako at umupo ulit sa tabi niya. I ran my fingers unto her hair and stare at her as if anytime she would possibly wake up. Hindi na ako tumigil kakaiyak, just by looking at her is enough for me to feel the never-ending pain inside.

My hands walked down to your face, sana sapat yung init ng kamay ko para palambutin ang malamig mong pisngi. I continued rubbing my thumb on your cheekbones as your expressions remained the same, how I wish I could atleast see you flinch.

“Sica.... gising ka na, you have been asleep for a while, and I miss the way you slowly open your eyes.”

“I missed how you utter my name everytime you see me for the first time, I missed how your smile brighten up my days and nights. Sica, gumising ka na ulit...”

“Do you still remember how you always fight the person on your dreams, na everytime may naghihintay sayo sa panaginip mo, gustong gusto mong magising? Laban ka pa ulit, wag mo muna samahan yung naghihintay sayo sa malayo, nandito pa ‘ko oh, ako muna yung samahan mo.”

“Kahit gumising ka na lang para sa akin, maramdaman man lang kita ulit, kung aalis ka na, mamalaam ka naman sana, kasi... kasi mas masakit yung ganitong hindi na pala kita makakausap, na minsan sa buhay ko dumaan na pala yung huling pagkakataon na sana nasabi ko sayong mahal na mahal kita.”

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