Of course I knew it was wrong. Love between friends, let alone two men is unforgivable, against the norms of the society. And so I kept it all inside myself, for four years in fact, ever since I met him on my third year in junior high. But now the restraint I supposed to own is starting to break off; usually I can restrain myself to as much as until I reach home, and relieve myself in the bath. But this situation does not permit any space for me to keep that restraint intact.

 

Recently, Kibum had said to me that he's to go back to the US. How long he'd stay he did not say. Moreover, he was not even sure he'd come back. Knowing that, I thought about the possibility of telling him the truth about the feelings I have for him for four years. I'm partly sure he'd be disgusted. No, he might even stop talking to me once it come out. Men who also like men are a rarity in this country, but not an impossibility. I know he also does not want any men to advance on him. I happen to know that he was always a victim of gay advances. So many times he had to run or go to the police for protection that he learned to hate than with much gusto. Once learning that his closest friend is one of "them", he'd lose faith in humanity.

Now I don't quite know why I am out here in the streets at night, looking like a lost, helpless puppy looking for its master. Actually, right now you can say I'm looking for another person like me for a night. Both my parents are at the province, and I'm living in an apartment for my studies.

 

Every night it's like this; I'd stand by the train station with my hands in my pocket and wait for another one like me to notice my presence and come with me. It was a foolhardy plan, I know, but I can't get lovers like how girls normally get theirs. And I am just not born to love girls too.

 

Why haven't I been born a girl? If I was then everything would have been a lot easier. I would not have been troubling myself over confessing to the guy I like the most, or to ask him out. If I'm a girl we could go out on dates and I would get all the other girls jealous over the relationship we have. Then we could go to the same college together and start formulating our dreams there. Also, there may be times that we would have qualms over some differences that we have. But it doesn't matter, because we will be able to get over them in no time at all. After a few more years or so he would ask my hand for marriage, and then after we got married we'd have kids. Then we would work to feed the family. No, he might force me to stay at home; he was that kind of man. And then, when we get old, we would stare at the clouds together and talk of days past.

 

If I was a girl it would've been a lot easier. If only I was a girl.

 

***

 

"Sigh." My eyes closed momentarily as a stifled yawn finally escaped from my lips. The book I have been leafing through earlier now merely served as my elbow's cushion from the hard desk. Due to the boredom I never realized Kibum's face was already checking out my bored one.

 

"Hey, Siwon-ah, what are you thinking about? You've sighed for twenty times already."

 

"What? Are you that bored to count my sighs now?" Still shocked, though it didn't appear to be so, I managed to cough up a reply. Kibum's eyes narrowed a bit from my answer, as if not believing a single word that came out of my mouth, before he went back o his seat beside me.

 

It was a free time, since we we're graduating students the teachers give us as much free time as we need. Mostly, the purpose was for us to study. Yet, no one was studying. Most of us were eating and such. Last night I have not been able to meet anyone else; for the whole night I looked like a lost little puppy waiting earnestly for his master that never came. It was a lot harder to get a man pick me up for a night, since I've grown a whole lot bigger and older gay men these days prefer a more younger looking partner than someone as big as me. I look like someone who pounces rather than the one who gets pounced. It's not my fault; it's in my genes to be this tall.

 

After a whie the bell signalling for the next subject rang, but five minutes had already passed before a staff entered the classroom and told us that no teachers were coming in for a class. But we can't go home just yet, since we were given few notes to copy.

 

As the staff wrote swiftly on the board and my classmates diligently copy after her, a paper was thrown unto my desk from Kibum's direction. Heart suddenly beating fast from receiving just a simple note, my face heated up from the words scrawled on the paper torn from a notebook.

 

"Hey Siwon, want to come by my house later? I have the movie you wanna watch! Also, my mom hadn't seen you for ages! She said she's making your favorite dish, so come home with me later, okay? Also, sleep over at my room! Don't bother bringing another set of clothes. You still have some of your clothes left over from your last stay of visit ages ago. You can't refuse!"

 

How can I refuse such a letter?

 

...TO BE CONTINUED

 

NOTES: I originally intended to put up just one chapter for this, but my mind crapped out, so the next chapter would be a bit shorter. Reason? I don't know. I'm really sorry for the slow update. This is scheduled for another two chapters. All in all, two chapters will talk about their high school days while the last chapter will talk about what happened after.

Until next time then.