We've never met before for sure, a total stranger. But we hit it off. You're definetly someone I got close to in matters of months.

Yes. Strange indeed. Let alone opening the door to my sanctuary, passing the third, farthest, layer of my fences is a something already.

It is definitely because of the nature of our jobs--or simply growing up? Who knows? Keeping things professional-friendly is easier, safer.

Personal? 

Well... 

This is our story. 

Or rather, my story with you being a part of it. 

---

You were there, among the crowds. Sitting,  facing that black-shine stage. Though later we both knew that the black still brought ominous truths indeed, I believe our meeting is still that of fate's playful hands.

If we didn't meet that day, sooner or later we will. 

And so we talked. I was immediately reminded that language crossed the boundary of words. It tore down "dances" of awkward gestures.

Our exchanges began with sincerity and continued with respect.

---

We grew closer. Yet, I kept the lesson taught by the world along with my increasing age: growing closer means growing appart. 

Afterall, I only own myself. Equally, you is of your own. 

It's unpleasant. Sometimes it's painful to deny myself. However, it is a needed precaution. Should we get shattered, my failures won't prick and bleed you out.

Then, when the ugly truths were out, my theory of precaution validated itself.

You have your own shine, I'd never want to cloud yours over.

---

We fought. We disagreed. We hurted one another and cried.

I'd push you away, but you were stubbornly there. 

I'm secretly vengeful, so it was kinda satisfiying to see your annoyance when I wouldn't budge my the time you'd pushed me away. 

Hey. 

Thanks. 

---

About jealousy. 

This is another confusing thing indeed.

Never once it crossed my mind to hinder you from anything good. When I said you're breathtaking, I always mean it. The level of freedom that you can express, it is the one thing that makes you so. 

Sometimes, I am jealous of that. Yet, that's what makes you, you. 

That's what makes me... 

...have this mixed feeling everytime your attention was away from me, and to somebody else. 

Fortunately,  I understand much. Out of fairness, I must let you be with others too. That way, you can be more you.

The caring, loving person...

...that I,  would soon admit, love.

---

However, this is the real world. 

It is not all shines and pretty Disney Princess love story. 

We can't be together. 

... 

... 

... 

But, there has been no Disney Princess story wherein the princess is pursuing another princess...

Right?

Is there? 

There is?

.

.

.

Ah . Here I go again. 

---

The day we were cancelled from all schedules. I thought it was that's it, both for my dream and for you. 

There was this one week of full vacant. Us not contacting one another.

I cancelled my urge to check up on you. Beneath that armor of gwenchana-daijoubu, you looked so bruised, black and blue. The uppercut thrown by the black stage hit more than just our stomach.

---

I once woke up at an untimely moment supposed to be a secret. The three of was were in a mini-van, manager was driving, the both of us sit on the back. It was a road trip home from a show in which we became invited guests. I pretended to sleep in as I heard the wisphered conversation, 

"Don't skip your medication, please."

You protested to the manager, hinting I was there. The manager dismissed your worry, instead his tone slightly raised and a hint of wary was there.

"I am merely trying to fulfill your request in keeping your medical condition from going out to the public. But you need to hold on to the end of the bargain. Never try skipping your medication like today."

You answered, reluctantly affirming. 

I locked up my curiosity box. I've never asked you what your condition was,  out of respect. I believe, you will tell me once you're feeling like it. 

...

Since honestly, I too have a condition. The difference was, only my sibling knows.

Correct, not even my parents know.

---

I forgot what caused this condition to develop. What I managed to recall was the fact in my younger days, I felt deeply rejected. I fell into a deep loneliness which I myself wouldn't admit until in recent years. I don't want to worry anyone, so I continued my professional-friendly act.

Whenever an "attack" comes I would forget everything. Literally,  everything.

The first attack I noticed was during my day off. Craving for unhealthy binge, my sibling and I went to a nearby fast food restaurant. I got into the get up of Covid19 protocol even though it was still a "pandemic-free" world. I remembered forcing my sibling to do the same, out of my own amusement. Then we ordered the food. Waited for our trays of burger-coke and burger-sundae. Walked to our chosen seat. Placed the tray then ate the food. 

My sibling and I conversed, a usual sibling talk. Weirdly, I felt my sibling going away and away. My sibling didn't go anywhere, still sitting accross the table in reality. Then things went gray.

Literally.

Everything within my sights turned gray.

The bustle of people surrounding me turned into walking grey-blocks. I saw my sibling's fingers slowly lost their colors too and turned into neatly chopped wooden blocks like everyone else.

Things went cold.

I got confused that I asked myself:

who's this person in front of me? 

what am I doing? 

who am I? 

That moment, there was an urge that told me to hold on to...

...whatever consciousness I still can grasp.

I kinda get the idea that something bad will happen to me should I totally let go the rope that connects me to my consciousness. 

And so, I gradually "returned" to myself with the guidance of that non-existent rope. 

Perhaps noticing, my sibling worriedly asked, "Should we return home immediately?"

. 

The second attack appeared during one of my lunch time. The food was in front of me. I took the ricebowl with my left hand, a pair of chopsticks with my right. As I was about to eat, the world was drained out of color into gray. Somehow, time felt like stoping. I began questioning myself:

what am I doing? 

I was dumbfounded at the sight of my food:

what are these things? 

Then in similar process, I returned to my consciousness.

My mother was in front of me at that time. Somehow, the most keen woman in the household didn't notice what happened to me.

To be honest, I was relieved.

. 

The third time happened during shower time. I was ready of that water splash. The shower sink was turned, then I suddenly stop whatever action I was about to take next. Again that question came:

what am I doing right now? 

---

Ever since those first three attacks, my world... 

...gradually slips away.

There were times when grasping what is real and what is not becomes so much harder. Extremely harder.

That is no exageration. 

That time during my birthday VLive broadcast, I was so lucky because I was on a chair, sitting. Nobody except me (and probably if my sibling was watching) noticed that I lost it.

I could tell much, the time when I got lost in the gray world again I didn't feel anything. Not happiness nor guilt. It was my brain who kept giving me, some sort of an autopilot signal to kindly continue responding at countless happy-birthdays caught in my ears.

Only when I was sobber enough, I cried my heart out. The realization of not being able to recognize fans' sincere congratulations, the members' cheerful celebration, moreover your heartfelt message that you read.

I lied.

Those responses that I did and said, I didn't know where they came from. 

---

It scares me. When things gets intangible.

---

Oh, only if you know. The many times when we sat next to one another and I began touching the skin of your backhands. It was all done so that I can recognize you. So that I can shock my brain with tangible reality, that you really existed.

---

You caught me cried one day. I was so scared, but I simply can't say what happened. 

You approached and sat next to me. 

Without asking too much. You hugged me. 

Perhaps, you were believing that I cried due to workload. Just like the many times I lied to you.