Be Kind

 

“Did you see it?” San mused. I rubbed the sides of my temple and let out a frustrated grunt. This throbbing headache has been bothering me since morning and it worsen after I saw a particular article that appeared on today’s Naver front page.

 

“I don’t care, San. It’s none of my business,” I nonchalantly answered back. I stood up from the couch I was hoping to find comfort in and walked towards the row of dressing tables in front of me. I grabbed my bag from the table and fiddled for a certain kind of film-like material. I caressed the slab of aluminium to make sure it was the right one and took it out but Seonghwa beat me to it and snatched the piece of aluminium film. He took out two tablets of aspirin and placed them in my hand, “Here you go, take them slowly noona.”

 

“Thank you, Seonghwa. This headache is killing me!” I whined before plopping myself back down onto the couch.

 

Seonghwa raised a brow and asked, “Is it because of that girl from Koochie? Wait, was it Kuji?” 

 

“Kaachi, Seonghwa and no it’s not because of her or Jungkook,” I forced out a smile and close my eyes shut. “I’m going to rest for a bit okay? I have already styled all of you and you guys ain’t up for another ten minutes anyway.”

 

San pat my head tenderly and wrapped a blanket around me. I peeled my eyes open and gave the younger boy a toothy grin. “Thank you Sannie, you’re the best!”

 

“I know!” San winked before leaving the dressing room with Seonghwa and I was left with peaceful silence. Finally. I glanced around the room and made sure the rest of the boys already left for backstage before easing down on the couch completely so I could take off my shoes. Being a stylist for Ateez is whack. Some days were pleasant and easy breezy, I could style them quickly with no whiny objections here and there from the boys but some days felt like a whole circus show. Wooyoung would about how his buttons should always be down by three and not two because he’s the epitome of y and then I have Mingi who would outgrow his pants every two weeks and I wonder when will the child ever stop growing in terms of height and actually start investing in some brain cells. Yeosang would argue to be styled the last because food before bros and Yunho wouldn’t stay still and every movement I make, he would mirror it in the most exaggerated way and turn them into dance moves. Styling Seonghwa, Hongjoong and Jungho however was never a problem. They were the least cracked among the rest. 

 

My eyelids eventually felt heavy and I was about to doze off into a nice slumber when I felt my phone vibrate vigorously. Ignore it Aerin, it would eventually stop, I told myself as I snuggled closer into the blanket and much to my dismay, the vibrating kept on going. I let out an annoyed huff and reached out for my phone somewhere in my dress pocket. 

 

“Jungkook”

 

I stare at the name on my screen for a few seconds before sliding the red phone symbol to the left. Reject. Nope, I am not about to get into any heated debate or argument nor am I keen to hear any explanations and “listen to me” speeches. Jungkook called again, and again I rejected his call. After three tries from the man, I switched my phone off. I was extremely weary and the only person I can blame for the plight I’m in is none other than yours truly, my dumb self. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, whoever said dating an idol would be easy. Especially if that certain idol is an international artist loved by many all over the world. I knew what was coming and I thought I was ready to risk it all, I thought wrong. You don’t just brush non existent scandals about your boyfriend off your shoulders like it’s nothing. You don’t just go along your day all fine and dandy after reading articles of female idols “shipping” themselves with your boyfriend with a big smile on your face and feel nothing about it. 

 

Two months, it’s been two months since I distanced myself away from Jungkook. I kept communications to a minimum and avoided all sort of meet ups. I would shoot down his invitations to his apartment every time he tries to do a stay in and just laze kind of date and his pleas to meet me at KQ in disguise as a potential collaboration with Ateez. Now that they were really going to collaborate, Jungkook has taken advantage of the opportunity for the past week but I always went all out to avoid him. I either excused myself early after finishing the complete look for my boys for the day or I just camp out in the female washroom until Jungkook gives up but three days back however, he had barged into the washroom and demanded a confrontation. All I could muster was blank eyes and a worn out face.

 

“Have you given up on us, Aerin?” Jungkook pried, searching for a glimpse of hope in my eyes but I returned the look with nothing. 

 

“Leave, Jungkook. This is the female washroom in case your brain isn’t working,” I groaned as I took my time to stand up from under the bathroom sink. 

 

“Baby, please, what happened to you? To us? Have you lost the fight in you? You were never this sarcastic with me, what’s wrong love?” Jungkook begged, he took a step closer and reached out for my shoulders. I swat his hands away and told him to stop. “Don’t touch me, Jungkook!” I hissed and look him in the eyes, “I don’t love you anymore, I’m done. Let’s break up here, Jungkook. You’re right, I have lost the fight in me. I’m sick and tired of you, your fans and this whole we-must-be-kept-a-secret situation!”

 

Jungkook started to well up tears in his eyes and my heart broke watching them roll out. I held my ground and kept a straight face. I loved the man, in fact I love him still. I love him wholeheartedly but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough to keep on going like this. I couldn’t take this jealousy for having to share his love and attention anymore. I’m not the girl for this beautiful man and I can only pray he finds someone who would love him unconditionally and understands him as a whole.

 

“Are we really going to end it like this? I can’t do it, Aerin. I love you, I ing love you and I only have eyes for you. We talked about this, we told each other we would have each other’s backs and we would keep going no matter how difficult things might be. Why are you backing out now?” Jungkook choked, holding onto my limped hands desperately. “Baby please, please push your ego aside.”

 

I let out a staggering laugh before roughly pulling my hands away from him and stepped back. “Ego? How dare you say this is ego!” I screamed. I lost it. This wasn’t ego, this was hurt. Pain. Exhaustion. I lost my patience. 

 

“Have I not love you enough?” Jungkook wept.

 

“I’m just not the girl for you, Jungkook. I’m sorry,” I stammered, tears threatening to shed out but again, I held my ground. “This is yours,” I said as I removed the beautiful Cartier band around my left ring finger he had gotten me as a promise ring and placed it delicately on the sink counter. 

 

I placed my phone on the table and snuggled back into the blanket. Peace at last, I smiled to myself but I know better that this peace is only temporary because once the night starts to creep in and I’m all alone in my room on my bed, my mind and my heart would go against me. I let out a soft sigh before I let myself go completely, deciding to worry about tonight later and just get a good sleep so this headache could finally go away.

 

Jungkook was a mess. If it wasn’t for the makeup, his dark eye circles and eye bag would have scare any living being out there. He couldn’t bring himself to give up on Aerin. He wanted to marry her, he already made up his mind. All they had to do was to endure another two years and he was free to go.

 

“Still no luck?” Jimin questioned, watching his younger sibling bang his head lightly on the table. 

 

“No, hyung. She even switched off her phone,” Jungkook answered, sadness and anxiety evident in his voice. 

 

Jimin rubbed his chin, thinking of a solution. “Ateez is performing before us right? Why don’t you go over to their dressing room later on when they’re on stage? I’m sure Aerin would be alone by then.”

 

“Hyung, I already thought of that but I’m sure there’s other staff members too. I need to get her alone,” Jungkook groaned, pulling his hair.

 

“No, Kook. I met Mingi at the cafeteria earlier on  and apparently only Aerin came down with them because the other staff members had to set up and get ready for their reality show shoot at another location,” Jimin smiled and pat the guy’s back, “Go get your girl dude!”

 

Jungkook let out a soft smile. He rushed over to Ateez’s dressing room only to find the love of his life fast asleep on the couch bundled up like a burrito under the covers. He crouched to her level and tucked the strays of hair hanging loosely on Aerin’s face behind before planting a light peck on her forehead. Jungkook knew why she burnt out. He put himself in her shoes and felt his heart ached. It wasn’t easy to date him. He recalled all the times Aerin would sneak into their dressing room just to cheer him on. He recalled the times Aerin had to turn a blind eye to female idols attempting to flirt with him in front of her very face. He recalled that one time she fell sick from all the stress yet put on a strong front because Ateez were on their US tour and she held out for three whole weeks surviving on aspirins and ibuprofens to keep herself functioning long enough to last for the day. The water gates opened when he remember the months Aerin had to be on her own because he was on a world tour and his heart broke. He felt like he own her the whole world after everything that has happened.

 

I got woken up from my slumber when I felt a hand on my hand. I shifted a little and slowly opened my eyes, wondering if it’s just one of Wooyoung’s pranks again and I was already ready to give the said boy a beating when my eyes landed on a disheveled Jungkook. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?” I clutched my heart, shocked to see my boyfriend.

 

Jungkook sniffled and shook his head, wiping his tears on the back of his hand before he carefully held my shoulders to sit me up. I allowed the interaction as I watch him help me up, I felt my heart soften. It’s been two long months without him and I was devastated. Jungkook mirror my devastation just the same, I could see it in his eyes.

 

“Aerin,” Jungkook started as he sat himself straight on the coffee table in front of me. He held up my face and cupped it. “I cannot let you go. I love you way too much to do that. And even if you tell me you no longer love me, I will keep loving you. I can never find anyone else like you.”

 

This time, I caved in and broke down. Months of bottling this anger and sadness up has filled me up to the brim and now I’m overflowing. I felt myself explode. I let out a whimper and held onto his hands on my face. “Jungkook, it’s painful. I miss you so much. I swear to God I tried my best. I held out even on the hardest days, I held onto hope and faith that we would make it in the end but I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be selfish by holding you down with my emotions so I had to do what I had to do and I am exhausted.”

 

“I know baby, I know. Why didn’t you tell me how you felt earlier? You were never a burden my love. You were in fact my only source of strength to keep going. Yes, I have fans all over the world but at the end of the day, the person I want to go home to would be you. The person I want to share my deepest thoughts and emotions with is you. The person I would want to marry and have a family with would be you and I would do anything and everything to prioritise you and us,” Jungkook sobbed, wiping my tears away with his thumb. 

 

I peeled his hands off my face slowly and held onto them tightly. “Jungkook, please never jeopardise the success you have worked for, for this. It’s not worth it. I’m not saying I’m not worth it but your fans don’t deserve this. I’m sorry Jungkook but we cannot be together. As much as I love you, I have to also let you go. One day when you can finally tell the world your secrets then maybe we can be together again. But for now, at this moment, at this time right here right now, we’re not meant for each other.”

 

Jungkook was heartbroken. He knew he lost her for good. And he knew he can never live the same way ever again without her around. She was his kryptonite, his everything. On tough days when life got a little too hard, she was his happy place and every time he feels like he’s about to hit a slump, she would pull him out of it. Jungkook watch the girl stand up before leaving the room and he wonders if that’s going to be the last time he ever sees her again and his heart ached even more. He could feel it physically now and he gasped for air. 

 

That night Jungkook went on V live with one thing in his mind - to reach out for help. He was going to risk it all. There was nothing else left for him without Aerin and he was ready to gamble his entire success away. 

 

“Hi everyone!” Jungkook greeted the camera. Almost immediately a bunch of messages popped out, his fans mainly greeting him back and calling him good looking. He let out a smile. “I know this is random but there’s something I want my fans to know but first, I would like to cover a song a friend of mine recently released. It’s called Be Kind by Halsey.”

 

I know you're chokin' on your fears
Already told you I'm right here
I will stay by your side every night

 

I don't know why you hide from the one

And close your eyes to the one

Mess up and lie to the one that you love

When you know you can cry to the one

Always confide in the one

You can be kind to the one that you love

 

Jungkook ended the cover smoothly and cleared his throat. “Aerin are you watching? Because I truly hope you are. You see, I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing girl for two years now and she’s absolutely beautiful. Not a single complain came out of every time she had to sacrifice her feelings for all of yours. I love you guys, I truly do and I want all of you to know that I love her too. I love her so much I wouldn’t know what to do without her,” Jungkook started sobbing, he wiped his tears with the back of his hands and cleared his throat again. He read the new comments coming in. To his surprise they were mostly positive and he felt a surge of determination run through his veins. The adrenaline rush gave him a little bit more of courage to keep going.

 

“Guys, I need your help. Can you please let her know on your platforms that you give us your blessings,” Jungkook pleaded.

 

I shut the app and locked my phone. I pinched the bridge of my nose. Jungkook why even do this because I’m never turning back. I’m sorry, Jungkook. I don’t want to be a monster.